In this chapter it seems the plot has slowed down a bit because of the cycle that Lily and James are constantly in with being mad at each other and then making up. Though maybe James' actions would have finally pushed Lily over the edge and we'll see Lily taking more action to get James out of her life in the next chapter.
I absolutely love this line and how fiery Lily is when confronting James: "The blatant hypocrisy in your voice is overwhelming! Your ego is so big you cannot contain it... Mr My-Ego-Has-Bloody-Planets-Orbiting-It!" It reminds me a bit of Ginny actually with her attitude of not allowing people to push her around. I love seeing this side of Lily and I'm glad you're incorporating more of this part of her personality.
I really wasn't expecting James to be the one to write the message about Lily in the corridor and then apologize for it. I definitely picture James to act without thinking but I don't think he would actually take it that far and then expect Lily to want to date him. If anything I would think James would be defending Lily if someone wrote that about her. His actions made me question whether James truly does love Lily or if he's just caught up in the chase. Great chapter!
From: Your Secret SantaAuthor's Response: Thank you! Yes, this chapter was rather a filler chapter as all the main events happen in Chapter six. At this point, I think that James does love Lily deep down, but her constant rejection has seemed to make him want her out of pride rather than love. He needs to realise why he is asking her out. :P
When I wrote this chapter, I had started to get an idea of how I wanted to characterise Lily so I'm glad you like her!
P.S thank you for all the lovely reviews. :) Report Review
Since this story is from Lily's point of view I wonder if Lily is interpreting people's actions negatively or if they are truly as harsh as she is perceiving them. In particular "A twisted smile that turned up at the edges with a cruel flick" seems very out of character for James if he had truly loved Lily for so long and fought to be with her for years. I think the confusion that Lily was showing with hating James but still being bothered by his animosity towards her shows that she does actually care about him and her hatred only stems from her frustration with all the problems she's dealing with.
Lily is definitely getting bullied a lot more than I would think would be acceptable at Hogwarts. I think that Dumbeldore or the other professors would step in and do something if people were being ostracized for being 'mudbloods,' though maybe the Death Eaters have a greater hold on Hogwarts then we would like to think and Dumbledore's best option is to fight his battles somewhere else.
One thing you really did well in this chapter is provide a good context for all of the main events to occur in. You have a good balance of describing Lily going about her day but still adding in the important interactions that she has with Tina, James, etc. I think that made the chapter flow well so it wasn't one confrontation after the other that Lily is experiencing. Great writing!
From: Your Secret SantaAuthor's Response: Thanks again Santa. ;)
I re-read the earlier chapters of this story and it's safe to say it was weird considering they're so old! However I do see exactly what you're getting at.
The bullying thing. I think Lily is quite popular, but not among Slytherins. It seems to be her nature and relationships with her friends that make her seem vulnerable to them. Yet I do see what you mean about it being unacceptable from the schools point of view.
That is quite OOC from James actually, though when I wrote this I wanted to make it look like this was all in Lily's head. I need to make that more obvious then. :P
Thanks for the compliments and the CC, I love your reviews,
Emma x Report Review
First off, I love how you opened up this chapter with Lily's reaction to her confrontation with Mulciber. I especially loved the line, "It made my tears turn into frozen droplets of ice scraping against my skin," because it really made you feel the pain Lily was going through and how much being called a mudblood effected her.
There are some details you included that seemed irrelevant such as Lily listing off the homework she had to do. I would love to see more details included like Tina's eyes having ominous shadows or James springing back like a rubber band.
I was actually surprised by how James treated Lily in this chapter with disrespecting her. He went from one emotional extreme to the other and based on Lily's description of their relationship he does this a lot. They definitely have a very intense relationship which is probably part of what pushes Lily over the edge to not want to have anything to do with him.
Based on your summary for the story, there appeared to be some good foreshadowing in this chapter and I can't wait to see how it plays out with Lily wishing she could just get rid of James.
From: Your Secret SantaAuthor's Response: Merry Christmas Santa, I had a great one, did you? Thanks for the lovely gift of reviews!
I'm glad you liked this chapter! I really wanted to focus on James and Lily's emotions for each other in this one. Even though James is in love with Lily, I never see him as being one to forgive her for everything she does. But I don't think he could be mad at her for long. :P
Irrelevant details. Hmm, those should be edited out. Thanks for pointing things like that out as, being the author, it's hard to notice. :P
Anyway, thanks for the lovely review, I really enjoyed reading your thoughts. :)
Emma xx Report Review
I really enjoyed the humor that you continued in this chapter, especially with James and his mushroom allergy. The lightheartedness of the beginning of the chapter also balanced out the confrontation at the end and made the Mulciber situation a lot more unexpected. Also, I was seriously impressed with your sorting hat song! You certainly captured the essence of the sorting hat well. It was witty, charming, and everything a sorting hat song should be.
As I mentioned in my last review, Lily was still a little over-dramatic and immature, especially when she was calling the other girls inappropriate names. I feel like she would be more accepting of people than you showed here. However, you did start to bring in more depth to her character with the scene with Mulciber. I definitely enjoyed seeing a more emotional side to Lily and I'm really curious how her relationships with Mulciber and Snape are going to develop.
Compared to the rest of the chapter the ending did seem a little rushed, but that's possibly because it was my favorite part of the chapter and I was hoping to see more of the confrontation or Lily's reaction to it. It may have helped the chapter to add more detail to the confrontation (which I'm assuming will be semi-important to the plot) and less time at the sorting and the feast. Great work overall!
From: Your Secret SantaAuthor's Response: Hello again! Thanks for another wonderful review, I must have been good this year. :P
I'm glad you liked the chapter and the sortin hat song. I wrote it for one of my other stories and as I'm rather lazy, I use it for them all now.
Back to Lily, again I'm still struggling with her characterization but with a few edits, say bye to whining Lily. :P
Emma xx Report Review
I think you started this story off with a very strong chapter. One of your strengths seems to definitely be writing dialogue and I was happy to see a lot of banter between the characters in this chapter. The bantering was witty, funny, and enjoyable to read. It also offered a good opportunity to see how all of the characters interact with each other right out of the gate. I also enjoyed the humor that you brought to this story. A lot of authors have trouble with incorporating humor without being overly outlandish with it. I thought you added in subtle humor through Lily's thoughts well.
One problem I had with the chapter was your characterization of Lily. She came across very immature and overdramatic in this chapter which isn't how I picture her. Lily giving her chocolate frog cards to a first year seems more reflective of her personality versus the 'woe is me' vibe she seemed to be giving off. In particular, the lines "I was already getting agitated and the train ride wasn't over," and "I gave him a patronizing smile" seemed to be out of character for Lily. Since she is starting her 7th year in this story, I would think she would be past the over-dramatic teenager phase (if she went through it at all) and would be more mature and level-headed. I'm hoping to see a bit more of a generous, thoughtful Lily that you touched on a bit here in future chapters.
Another part of the story you could work on is the role of Peter in the story. It seems like you may have had trouble trying to figure out how to fit Peter in and how he would interact with the other characters. The dynamics between Peter and everyone else seemed to be a little off since everyone just belittled him and was often rude to him. I think you need to find a balance between Peter's negative and positive characteristics and give the readers a reason for the Marauders to include Peter in the group.
Another part I really enjoyed was your OC Tina. Her character fits well into the story and provides a nice contrast to Lily. Showing Tina's shallow characteristics that you featured in this chapter should help you to bring out Lily's more mature side and show that she isn't the typical teenage drama queen. Finally, I thought the flow of the chapter was good. Sometimes having a lot of dialogue can make a chapter seem long and drawn out but I didn't feel that from this chapter at all. Iím looking forward to seeing how this story progresses.
From: Your Gryffindor Secret SantaAuthor's Response: Hello! Firstly, thanks for the wonderfully long review. It's amazingly helpful and awesome. :P
I'm glad you liked my story. This story has to be the one of mine in which evey chapter is its own WIP because of th fact that I want to get the characterisations perfect.
That brings me to Lily. I agree one hundred per cent with what you say about her. In the first few drags of this chapter she seemed very angry and very OOC. Now I've toned that down I'm led with the whining that went with it. Whining Lily isn't how I'd portray her anyway so thanks for pointing it out. Once the queue opens again I will edit this.
Peter. Again, I agree with you. Quite often you get those stories who leave poor Pete out or make him a complete fail. I was determined not to do that but has found difficulty fitting him. However, he has a bigger sub-plot later on that I really am looking forward to writing!
So yes, thank you for the amazing review! I can't wait to find out who you are!
Emma x Report Review
Please update soon:) xAuthor's Response: Thank you! Sorry, I've been a bit behind lately but I want to get the next chapter up ASAP. I've been ironing out the process of getting a new beta and sorting all of that out because previously I have been editing it all out myself but hopefully the next chapter should be up within the next week or two. :)
Emma x Report Review
I like James and Lily, I just can't see her with anyone else. :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Hmm, I like James/Lily too but Lily doesn't seem to at the moment! Report Review
Aw this was a sweet chapter, i hope she realises her mistake soon though.Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review! :)
Emma x Report Review
This book is really good!:D
I hope Lily starts regretting it soon though..haha x
Please update really soon!!(:
Amy xAuthor's Response: Thank you for this lovely review! And I'll try to update soon!!
Emma xx Report Review
Hey this is LyrisLovegood from the forum with your review.
First off I am terrible at reviews so bare with me.
I could really feel the emotions from both James and Lily in this chapter. It really made me believe that James genuinely likes her but the fact that Lily is so stubborn makes it hard for anything to happen. I'm getting the vibe that Lily doesn't want to let her guard down just in-case James hurt her? But I might be wrong.
I felt sympathetic towards James when Lily knocked him back once more...especially having said that he loves her. I would not want to feel James rejection :( and I know it was wrong of him to hurt her in that way but people make mistake and say or in this case write things they don't mean in pure anger and rage. I could relate to that a lot.
Your story flowed really nicely, but that's my view anyway haha.
Anyway I really hope Lilly see sense soon and get with James :PAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you! This is a lovely review, don't worry!
Emma xx Report Review
This was a really nice start for a story! Mainly because of all the dialogues, that was just amusing. I really loved all the banter and interaction between the marauders, Lily and Tina. You've managed to make it sound very real, it didn't feel forced at all, so that was a really good thing!
I liked the over-exaggerated thoughts of Lily. Not exactly how I picture her, but that made things so much funnier, so I don't mind at all. Other than that, I think your characters were very true to canon ( though I disagree a bit about Peter, but that's just my opinion d: )
My only real question is, why weren't they doing their Head B/G duties? Well, maybe it was done differently back then, and the train ride wasn't a part of their responsibilities. At least that's how I explained it to myself d:
Thank you very much for the swap! I enjoyed this chapter very much, hopefully I'll get a chance to read more (:
~EleniaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!! Report Review
first off I love your fic!!! The way you exhibit the passion between Lily and James is incredible! To answer your question I think that they are both at fault. James is because of his past history as an "arrogant bullying toerag". Lily is as at fault because whenever she looks at James she only see what she wishes to see...she sees who he was and not who is. Please update soon!Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
I like this chapter as it shows them both having a full blown argument and really shows that not even James can control his patience forever even with Lily.
There's not much to pick at really apart from the flow of a few sentences because you're getting into the story and making less and less grammatical and spelling errors.
The ending is interesting as Lily starts to realise that James is being selfish by not letting her choose her dates or even go on dates which is interesting as it starts to show what would drive her to use a spell which would make him fall out of love with her.
I really want to read on!Author's Response: Aww, thanks! I should have the next chapter up soon! Report Review
The first thing I'd like to point out would be that the first paragraph is really long and super confusing, so maybe you should look over it and break it up into a few sentences because the several parenthesis that are there make it seem more jumbled.
I like the way in this chapter that Lily still isn't all prissy and she does have some flaws which include insulting some people however you do redeem her with her being concerned about her friend even when she'd gotten drunk.
The story line is interesting as you show Tina being almost obsessed with Remus which will be good to see when you develop it in latter chapters as it must be difficult for Lily in a way to have a friend who spends so much time with them.
The confrontation with Mulciber was a little quick and I felt you could have dragged it out a bit but it was good all the same to see that people did still hold her blood status against her.Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like it! Thanks for the idea's as this is going to get an edit soon.
Tina is kind of obsessed with Remus! Usually Lily's best friend is head over heels for Sirius so I thought it'd be nice to have her with someone different!
Emma x Report Review
Awh I really like this mainly because you've had to fit it around the summary you were given and the first chapter is just so well written.
I am actually intrigued into what is going to happen next mainly because I don't 'think' you've given away much of the plot line yet which although its in the summary I'm interested as to where she gets the spell from and what drives her to use it.
The banter also made me laugh because it was just so believable and the way Sirius and James were with each other made them seem like brothers which was sweet. Then Lily's reaction was totally beliavable as you made it seem like she really despised it.
9/10!Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much! I am glad you liked it and thought my characters were believable! This is such a lovely review. :)
Firstly- the song. It was just brilliantly done. :) I would never be able to write that, so I'll just stand in awe.
I think again that Lily's reaction was slightly over-exaggerated around Mulciber, but apart from that, I find it hard to fault your characterisation of anyone. I like how Tina manages to just slip away from Lily to go and sit with Remus.
I also think the way that Lily introduces herself to the first year as Head Girl was also really quite accurate.
You have some great descriptions here, as well as in the last chapter. I'm just left jealous. :/
I will read Chapter Three soon, I am really hooked. :P
ScottAuthor's Response: Thanks so much Scott! I love this review so much! Yeah, I know Lily is a bit too over-dramatic shall we say? But thanks for pointing it out, this needs a big fat edit. :P
Well, not that fat but still...
Emma xx Report Review
Hey Emma. :)
Finally got the chance to read this, after hearing about it yesterday.
I really like this- I think you've done a great job.
I think that you did well with this, and that you achieved a lot with just the one chapter. You introduced Lily, the Marauders and Tina, before showing the dynamics between them and quite a bit about their insecurities, traits and such. I think you did really well with all of that, and I can't wait to find out more about them.
I think the way that you brought in Tina's problems with her image was so natural and realistic. I think the way she circled the part of the magazine was a nice detail to add.
I also think you did well with Remus and his character. I like how he interacted with people in the compartment, that was also a job well done.
My only real problem is with Lily. I feel like you've slightly over-exaggerated her bitterness and anger towards James. I understand that he's persistent and unrelenting, but it seems a bit unfair. If this was the train ride home, and she'd been putting up with this for a few months, then it would be a lot more understandable.
I'll review the rest soon (hopefully). :)
-accioHPFF.Author's Response: Scott! Thank you so much for the wonderful review!
Thanks, all the characters have motives (especially Tina) for their actions and some more are revealed later on!
Everyone has been telling me that Lily is too angry/bitter. I have been trying to tone it down a little - the first edit of this chapter must have made her seem like the angriest person on earth! :P
Emma xx Report Review
This appears to be amazing! Please update!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks, but I am going to dedicate each WIP to a month or so of the year. The earliest this story has is march so the update should be around then! Report Review
I feel bad when I wanna give my favorite character a slap on the head (I'm looking at you, James!). He's just being so annoying to Lily, as is Sirius, as is her friend, as is Peter... But not Remus. No, I love Remus. :P
LOL. Anyway, this is a great opening chapter! I can't wait to read more!
Sam.Author's Response: Sam! I jumped into the air when I saw this story now has 20 reviews! Thanks so much! And yeah, James is one of my favourite characters but he just seems so annoying. I like all the Marauders actually, even Peter which most people don't. Anyway, thanks so much dear! Report Review
I love the banter between them (sexual tension?) and I can imagine the writing on the walls in the toilets. I completely forgot that this is what school is like (even though I'm still very young). Another great representation of teenage struggle. 10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm a happy author now! :) Report Review
thrilling. i can just imagine lily yelling at mulciber. i think it was so accurate, i can imagine that their generation of death eaters were so much worse than draco etc. very good chapterAuthor's Response: Ohmygawd, thanks so much! This review made my day! Report Review
Wow that was so funny 'i thought you said your sister was a bitch' and 'do you think i'm fat?' was hilarious. lovely start.Author's Response: THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE REIVEWS! HAVEN'T RECIEVED ONE IN A WHILE SO I AM EXCITED!! Hence the capital letters... Report Review
Hello there Emma! I love reading this chapter and comparing it to, say, the first chapter I read of your other novel 'if Only' because this is quite obviously so much better and I really love being able to feel your improvement my comparing the two.
First things first, the dot-dot-dot-dot line-y things. Basically, word does this if you put like *** then press 'return' (mine does this all the time) and I really hate it... so anyway, all you have to do is press the 'back' button and it'll change it back into *** and so, if you go back into word you should be able to fix it like that. I mean, you obviously don't HAVE to do that but you say in your authors note that you tried to get rid of them and I think they make things seem a little messy due the spacing. So, if I were you, I'd get rid of them :)
Now, on from formating issues (because who cares about that)... OKAY, I'll start by rolling characterisation and Mary-sue'ism together first. I think you're actually okay for now, but the thing is Lily Evans often turns into a big fat Sue. And for now my main concern is the anger issue. Now, we know poor old Lils had some anger problems due to the two seconds of canon we see BUT everyone seems to jump on this and make her the ANGRIEST PERSON ALIVE. And I really like how your Lily has her anger, because I understand her anger and I think I might be quite angry too, but I just don't want you to let anger be the only thing Lily Evans ever feels (unless you make that into a really big point, which could be awesome - but, haheam. Yeah). I really like Tina and her tendency to do quite silly friends and I'm really intrigued to see what you're going to do with the bits I read about in the first chapter and all the other characters and everything seem find and great and dandy. I'm just a tinsy worried about Lily, but I have every faith that I'm just being over suspicious.
On the same front, there's a lot of angry shouting at each other in this chapter. I love a bit of healthy (and loud) debate as much as the next person, but it tends to have more of an impact if there's more of a gap between yelling matches because, well, if you yelled at someone every thirty minutes it would stop bothering you as much. Cliches? Well, there are SO many cliches about James/Lily stories but I actually think you haven't hit too many of them just yet. I really like the fact that you're acknowledging the war is happening rather than focusing solely on the OH SO DRAMATIC love lives of your staring cast. Just the subtle mentions of it in this chapter and LIly being upset about the whole 'mudblood' thing is really really good :)
There seemed to be a lot of Tina and Lily whining at each other in turn, which is essentially what happens in teenage friendships so I'm pretty down with that. I'm really excited for when this story really gets started and you hit me with your fabulous PLOT. I mean I really want to know about the stuff you've mentioned in the summary, more on that soon?
Anyway, I really did like this chapter even if it sounds like I'm being overly-critcal, but I thought you did a pretty damn good job. It began and ended at really nice sensible points, which made it seem just the right length and yeah, I really enjoyed it. Feel free to request for the next chapter and I'm definately planning on keeping up with this. I have a feeling that you're just going to keep getting better, and I'm about 90% sure that you're going to be really really good.
Hope that was semi-helpful!
-ACAuthor's Response: Wow, this is one of the longest and most helpful review's I have recieved Helen; thanks so much! I love the constructive criticism here, it is so helpful as I am trying to avoid the angry side of Lily.
I'm glad I'm not falling into too many clich√É¬©'s and that the characters are not that Sue-ish. But the anger...oh how that pains me. She always seems so angry and I wish she'd just flow into my head being less angry.
Thanks anyway, this is an awesome review and it is so helpful,
MG x Report Review
hi are you going to write some more chaptersAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! And yes. I have them stored on my computer! They just need some serious editing!
E xx Report Review
Hello, i'm finally here for your review request! :D
I think you did a lovely job with the sorting hat, i've never even attempted to write one so i have a lot of respect for authors who do.
I also liked the end where we see a little more of Lily and some of her own insecurities and how she only viewed as herself as a mudblood. I thought that was an excellent point and a very interesting dynamic to bring into this story. However, why was Mulcibur walking by the Gryffindor tower? Also, i felt like her reaction was a little dramatic and uncharacteristic of the Lily that you have painted. She seems like an over opinionated strong character who won't let people boss her around. I was glad to see that there was something that could penetrate that but i felt like she would have held it together until she was by herself and internalized their insults more rather than being so overtly distressed.
Another thing that concerns me with Lily is how she thinks everyone in Gryffindor is horrible (other than Tina) and i'm beginning to wonder what is it that she likes about Tina because it seems she finds fault with everyone. She is beginning to seem (to me at least) kind of a huge jerk herself, which i really don't believe she ever really was. We see her sticking up for her best friend in the books and yelling at James, but i'm unsure if this was a major characteristic of hers.
I think you Lily has the potential to be unique but i think she needs some fine tuning. She is a hard character to write i have the same issues with her or how to characterize her.
There were times that the dialogue didnít seem to make sense or i had to read it a few times to see what the person was actually saying. Just make sure that when you are writing dialogue everything flows naturally from what the other person has said.
There was some spacing issues where there seems to be 5 or more spaces between some of your paragraphs (this is annoying, i know, i deal with this with my own stories where the spacing just shows up, but just be sure to check that after you post the chapter). You have some spelling errors as well, for example you spell Filch as Filtch. () < these should be used sparingly in stories but i felt like i was being assaulted by them in this chapter.
I did however like some of the sparing in this chapter, it is often that teens have petty little arguments like 'no one cares what you say Cusens' kind of thing. There are little cat fights and i think you have those moments done really well, i just sometimes feel like it's a bit overkill.
I am interested where this story is going though and i think it will be very interesting to see how Lily changes when she makes James disappear. Thank you for requesting me and i hope you find my words helpful. It is only my opinion so feel free to disregard it if you wish. As i said before, i tend to be very critical of the Marauders era fics.Author's Response: This is so helpful! I like CC and I do find Lily so hard to write and I know I am not quite there yet. Thank you so much though :) Report Review
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