Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your 2/15 review!
I know you mentioned that you haven't had the time to fix the spacing in all of your stories, but I'd bump this to the top of the list when you do get the chance. The paragraphs are just all fairly short, and I think that being able to see more of the story at once would have helped me follow it a bit better.
Regardless, this is a really creepy story. Bellatrix stories that are well-done tend to be a bit creepy, but this was especially so. I think that you did a great job portraying how disjointed her thoughts are from being in Azkaban, and the things you decided to have her focus on - her sister, for example - really worked in the context of what we know she was obsessed with from canon. As I read, I really started to think about how being exposed to the dementors for so long might have warped her mind so that she was even more fixated about blood than she was when she went in.
However, while I thought that this was very well-done in general, and that the prose was strong overall, I did think that there were certain parts where it was a bit less polished.
Sometimes you seemed to overuse adjectives to me. In the third paragraph, for example, I wasn't quite sure that you needed intense, horrible, and gruesome to describe the glare. For one, I wasn't really sure what the difference between horrible and gruesome was in the first place and what having both added to the description, and for another, I thought that having a list of adjectives kind of diluted the effect that a bit more expansion would give. Does that make sense?
You also frequently switched between tenses, to the extent that I wasn't really sure which you were even going for. Her laugh echoing off the walls seemed to be in present, but the glare being intense seemed to be in past. Her eyes twitching was in present, but the lack of relief was in past. Her tongue slipping through her lips was in past, but her smile was in present. Etc. I'm not sure whether it was intentional or not, to get across how disjointed her state of mind was, but as is, it felt a little more awkward than anything else.
It also seemed to me at one point that she was thinking about Greyback (or potentially some other werewolf). I wasn't quite sure why - it seemed a little out of place to me, especially since the only other person Bellatrix was thinking about - who was also referred to as "he," which was a bit confusing - was clearly Voldemort. I can understand why she'd think of it with the full moon, but it just came across as a little confusing to me.
Other than that, this is a really terrific piece. I thought that you had a lot of really excellent insight into Bellatrix's character. You included the bit about Sirius and Andromeda, which was good, because she clearly had it out for both of them, but you went deeper than that. They're probably worse off than her and She is better than them. She will survive did an excellent job at getting across Bellatrix's pride, and her anger, and her regard for herself.
More than that, though, you also had some great insight into humanity as a whole. Anything can be amusing when you're by yourself, for example, is just such a powerful and true statement, and the way you describe her scratching herself was just such a perfect touch that I think most people wouldn't have thought to put in.
This was an amazing story. I noted the places where I think it could be improved, but it's really terrific even without them.
Sorry - I feel like I've been leaving you supershort reviews, even though you wanted long ones. I just honestly don't have much to critique.Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review- it wasn't short be a long stretch!
I'm so pleased that you think I characterized Bellatrix properly and that I had some insight into her character. Though I don't usually write in short, disjointed sentences I felt that they really helped to show the deterioration of Bellatrix's mind. While I was writing this I was trying to include those bits of her personality because even after Azkaban she still felt herself superior to muggles and muggleborns and she was still proud of her heritage.
I can see what you mean about the overuse of adjectives, especially in that sentence, and my tendency to switch between tenses. I originally wrote this for a "Stream of Consciousness" challenge where one of the requirements was to not edit your piece- just non-stop writing. Though I had intended for it to be in present tense, a few times I slipped into past tense because that's what I usually write in. I'll definitely go and fix those mistakes though now.
I didn't have Bellatrix refer to people by their names because I thought that by that time, after all those years spent in Azkaban, her mind would be muddy and her memories jumbled and confusing. Yes, the main "he" was Voldemort. She wouldn't be Bellatrix without her obsession with him. I included Fenrir because I believed that because they are both Death Eaters and both on the more blood-thirsty end of that group, that they would have gotten along fairly well. As well, Bellatrix seemed to be the type to enjoy the thought of causing pain to others and I thought that she would occasionally think about the "worse" things in life while at Azkaban. There certainly isn't anything else to do!
I'm so glad that you enjoyed this story and thanks so much for all the comments and critique. I'll definitely get onto submitting a revised copy of this story into the queue soon, with the spacing fixed. Thanks! Report Review
Hi! I'm here for the Hufflepuff RTPA game :D
I really loved the darkness of this story. It was so gritty and raw. I felt like you really got into her mind and it felt crazy, the short jumpy sentences really did their jobs because it felt like she was losing her mind here. I loved how she laughed just to hear her own voice and how she felt like she was surviving and didn't even realize her own madness. I think you really captured Bellatrix with that. Brilliance i say!
There is just this powerful feeling throughout this story that i feel so connected to her somehow and i think you did well tying everything together the muggles, her past life, and her dependency on him coming back for her. Honestly, this is really beautiful in its own twisted way.
Great job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad that you enjoyed the darkness in the story and felt that I captured Bellatrix's character well. Thanks so much for the compliments! Report Review
This was amazing. The way it was written was just... Brilliant. The dark nature of the story reflected Bellatrix's personality and character perfectly, as did the short scentences, making her seem unable to think clearly: really well representing the fact that she had been in Azkaban for so long.
The imagery in the description was wonderful, making you feel like you really were there. 10/10. =DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so glad you liked it and thanks so much for the compliment. It was actually a little bit of a struggle for me when writing it to keep the sentences so short and fragmented because I like writing longer sentences, but I'm very glad that I did keep them that way. I agree that it really helps to express Bellatrix.
I'm so glad you liked the imagery! Thanks once again for reviewing! Report Review
Oh my Rowling! That was a story...wow. It was amazing, really!
It seems strange to say that I loved such a twisted and dark story. The way you wrote it though, was gorgeous. The words may have been creepy, but that's what made the story excellent.
I love how you brought in a little bit of sustance in this, too. It wasn't all just descriptions and words thrown around; you talked about the Blacks and the Muggles, and that really brought the story together.
Simply gorgeous. I don't even know if my review made sense at all...Sorry for the ramble :P
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad you liked it! (Seriously- there is a huge smile on my face!)
I'm so glad you liked the style- this was the first time I wrote like this and I'm really glad it turned out well. I agree that the atmosphere is what made this story- it wasn't supposed to be a happy/fluffy story. This is Bellatrix we're talking about.
And yes, your review made sense. Thanks once again for reviewing! Report Review
Hi! Here with your review :)
Yay, another one-shot from you! And yay Bellatrix!! I love her.
This was incredibly powerful. You painted such a vivid picture with your words, and you kept me hooked all the way through. Bellatrix's character seems to have this random craziness about her, no real sense of organization, and the way you wrote her thoughts and experiences here truly does convey that. You chose an important moment that I don't think is touched on often enough in fanfiction, and you executed it very well. I loved the haphazard flow, going effortlessly from the past to the present. Again, I think that's reminiscent of Bellatrix's disorganized personality.
As far as general stuff, no errors in grammar, spelling or punctuation, though I wasn't expecting to find any. As I mentioned, it flowed beautifully, and your writing was incredibly captivating and full of great imagery. It can be a challenge for some to write a piece without dialogue, but you made it seem perfectly natural. Again, the characterization was just wonderful. I think you did a good job of capturing Bella in all of her complexity and tragedy.
Nicely done, as always! Thanks for requesting again, and as always, I hope you find my feedback useful :)
AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! Haha- I like Bellatrix too.
I'm so glad you liked it and thanks so much for the compliment. I'm so glad you think I captured Bellatrix well- the insanity in her is hard to write.
I'm glad you liked the style- it was very different from what I usually write. And yes, your feedback was helpful. Thanks once again for reviewing! Report Review
There is only one word I can use to describe this story: Intense.
It was seriously so capturing, so intriguing and so satisfying. I absolutely loved reading this story. You had me interested the entire time and I wanted to keep scrolling down as fast as my fingers would let me but I had to keep re-reading the sentences because my mind was so amused by the story.
The writing was amazing as usual and you haven't failed to please me with one of your stories yet.
I think you truly understood Bellatrix's character. It was as if this was the real Bellatrix. I could see her psychotic, manic side coming out and she felt just so real as if she was right there beside me while all of this was going on. The imagery and description in this story was fantastic.
Seriously, I am very impressed with this story. This has probably got to be the most capturing one-shot I have ever read and the cliffhanger at the end was amazing. It signalled a perfect end to the story, yet at the same time we knew that this could go on. I really loved this one-shot. It has got to be one of my favourite's! Great work!Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad you felt this way about the story and that the story made you feel this way.
Thanks so much for the compliment- it's put a huge smile on my face! I'm so glad you felt that I captured Bellatrix well- she's insane and I tried to portray that by jumping around, having random and half-made sentences.
I'm so happy that you were impressed by this story- the most capturing? Thanks! I did feel that that was the best place to end the story- she's out of Azkaban. You know what happens next.
Thanks once again for reviewing and I'm so happy it's one of your favourites! Report Review
I think you did a great job describing everything :) I would suggest limiting the space between the lines, especially since they are only one line paragraphs, but the story itself was very well done. The pace was nice and I like how you showed her view of being broken out of Azkaban. Wonderful :)
~LilyAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad that you liked the story. I will definitely take another look at the spacing- I always have problems with that. Report Review
Wow, wow, wow!
I really think you underestimate yourself, this is fantastic!
The fact that all the thoughts are jumbled up and confused, for me, adds to the madness and the setting of Azkaban, and the layout itself emphasizes her desperation and insanity. I think you captured her character beautifully, I would know it was her even if you didn't say who it was. Really great, and I can't wait to read more! Get writing! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review and for giving me such a lovely compliment! I'm so glad that you think so about the style of writing- it's what I was going for. I'm so glad you think I wrote Bellatrix well! Report Review
This is really great! It was a little bit confusing at times about what she was thinking but it is Bellatrix. I love the way it's written, it makes it unique and easy to read. And I love all the details in it, very descriptive. This was just wonderfully fantastic. Even more because it included Bellatrix!Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad you liked it- it's the first time I've written anything like it. And I'm glad it was descriptive enough- the thoughts were random, I agree- but it is, after all, Bellatrix. Report Review
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