Now this chapter was good. Like really brilliant.
You know, I think I hardly have to give you advice anymore, I can just gush about the story... But I did notice that you had a few lower case i's in there. Like 'i' instead of 'I'. Yeah that is really annoying.
I like Callum, he is cool, and the idea of moving drawings is pretty smart. I wish I could make my drawings move! Anyway, I am glad that they caught one of the people who broke in. Its good that she remebered as well but those people wouldnt listen to her! She should talk to Lily about it and tell her about the power thing. I am very curious about it and I wonder how much she can control it. Is it like she inherited her mothers talent and her fathers magic, so it combined? Thats what it seems like.
The part with James was very nice, in the Astronomy tower. Its good to see his soft side, that he is not just a prankster and that he actually had feelings. He was nice to Avery as well, but I think that it would have been sweet if she told him about it. Ah well, I cant have everything my way.
I love it!

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Yay! this is like the best review ever! So glad you thought this chapter was brilliant because it's my favourite chapter :D It's the chapter where a lot of things are revealed!

I'm happy you like Callum and think the moving drawings are cool! I also wish I could make my drawings move too!

And I don't want to give too much away but you got quite a few things right about Avery and her extra talent. I'm glad that came across without being too obvious and your questions about it should be answered as the story continues.

I'm also glad you liked the part with James because I wanted to show another side to him and give Avery someone else she can turn to if she needs to.

So Happy you loved it! and Thank You! :D

NightRose

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Aw. I really do love this story.
The were no mistakes I picked up in this chapter, and there is actually not much advice I can give you! I guess that is a good thing?
Naughty little first years, already skipping class! I can tell they will have an interesting time a Hogwarts!
Well, I really dont have much I can say 'bout the writing, just sometimes you have REALLY long sentences which maybe should be made into two. Yeah, thats about all I noticed.
Oh, I wanted to say how I like all you chapter titles, especially the next one- The Lion, The Witch and The Tower, its like Narnia! Yay! And the Alice in Wonderland ones, very cool :)

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Thank You Again! and i'm so glad you really love the story, that really means a lot :)

I do occasionally tend to write extra long sentences, thats something I need to work on.

And I'm also really glad you like all the chapter titles and references to Alice in Wonderland. Alice in Wonderland was a big inspiration to the story especially the 1st chapter and i also got loads of inspiration from the song 'Rabbit heart' by Florence and the Machine, it was my main starting point and ended up being the fanfic title too! I also love Narnia and really I just love anything fantasy, so a few more references might crop up later on too.

Thank You again and so glad you like it! :D

NightRose

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Just a few misakes I picked up on:
-More than once you wrote cleaver instead of clever.
-In the sneak peek of the next chapter you wrote creped instead of creeped.

I dont have much to say on this chapter, as nothing much happened. I thought that it was a little boring and lifeless. I cant really critise your writing here but I cant exactly praise it either. It was just... meh.
So, I think you should go back and try to cut out the un needed parts and just try make it more exciting or interesting. Tell us more of what Avery is feeling before the Sorting etc.
And, yes, I did think that the Sorting Hat's song was not very good. You should fix it up though, just spend more time on it and actually try to make it rhyme. You dont need to hurry with that, since it is already there, but just work on it until you are happy :)
I also wanted to comment on the selection of house you chose for Avery. I mean, of course I knew that you had to chose Gyffindor, because she was always going to be friends with Lily and it would help the rest of the story... but I am not sure I am satisfied. Maybe try and add some more stuff to what the hat says to make it seem legit, or something.
Thats all the advice I have for this chapter!

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Thank You Again! I'm really enjoying getting all these reviews! They're great! :)

so yeah this was a bit of a rough chapter and I think I definitely want to go back and work on it, especially the sorting hat song, thats something I think I will take my time on too!

and yeah your comments on the house selection are so true, I found it so hard choosing a house for her because I didn't want to be so obvious and put her in Gryffindor. I originally thought about putting her in Ravenclaw because that was the house her dad was in but I knew it would be harder for her friendship with Lily to grow and I knew Lily had to be in Gryffindor so it was a difficult decision. I then had an idea for why she was put in Gryffindor which will then hopefully fit in and make sense as the story goes on, but maybe I will add a bit more to what the hat says to make it more legit in the meantime. :)

Thank you for your advice!
NightRose

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I didnt pick up any mistakes at all in this chapter, but you seem to add bits that dont need to be there. I once heard a rule; every sentence should either be there to develop the plot or the character. I dont mean that you cant have a bit or random comments or thoughts, but when they are after every paragraph, and seemingly meaningless it feels awkward to read and gets boring.
Also, I think some sentences just sound funny to read out loud, so you should think about that when you write it, if you have to pause to think about what it means or it sounds strange or just not right- then you should either split it into two sentences or just re form it all together.

As far as this chapter went, there is not much action. The Capitols interested me, and I wonder what you are going to do with them later on, if they are relevant. It seemed like a bit of a filler chapter, which I suppose it was, so you have to add things like getting the wand and seeing her mum before you can progress with the story. Filler chapters are fine, as long as you manage to keep the reader interested throughout the whole thing. I think you did a pretty good job of that.
The one other thing I noticed was that Lily does get annoyed quite often (quick temper?) but sometimes I think that it is un realistic. I am not talking about this chapter, but I just mean that sometimes authors try to develop a trait for their characters but end up going overboard and writing whole chapters for the sole purpose of developing that trait or just showing it. You have to have a sort of balance between the story and the characters.
Annnyyywayy, I really like the story and I am getting into it, so thumbs up. I might not talk about WHAT actually happens and more about writing, because I think that its really your decision what you write in your story. If you need any plot help, just ask and I can give you a list of ideas!
Good job :)

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Yes this chapter was a bit of a filler chapter. I knew there were several thing i had to introduce (like the capital thing which is important much later on in the story) and I felt like I had to include the whole wand buying part and show Avery Diagon alley. I think I just need to make sure filler chapters are still interesting and also I'm going to go back and check a few of those awkward sentences you mentioned too!

I think I'm okay for the plot at the moment, I had a plan I noted down before I started writing, so I sort of know where I'm going. I think I just need to get back into this story again as I haven't done any writing for it in a while. I find it very difficult to write while I'm at uni so I probably won't write the next chapter until the holidays now, but it's not long till the next break. But anyway I still find your comments on the plot helpful, its always good to hear what people think :D

Thank you!
NightRose

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Okay, this is the last review for now, I will finish the others later! Oh, and maybe you could check my stuff out as well, if you feel like it?
I liked this chapter, and I am very interested as to what house Avery will be in! I love the Potters family, and the way they all act around each other, especially Lily and Avery. It's really nice how they are both such good friends. The way that you are gradually improving in each chapter in this story is pretty amazing!
I still think that the main issue is how you just state things out right instead of showing us how she is feeling or what she is thinking. Also, some things are lacking description in it.
Anyway, good luck and good job :)

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Hey thank you for all your reviews again! they are so great! I'm going to go through each one, note down all your helpful suggestions and comments then respond to each review.

I just made some notes for chapter two and read through it with them too! I made a few changes and additions and I now see exactly what you mean by showing how Avery is feeling instead of stating it out right, that is definitely something I need to work on, and I'm really going to see what I can do about it.

I'm so glad you love the Potter family and like the Lily and Avery friendship :D i really wanted it to seem like a realistic friendship and not just like they ended up friends because they live together.

Anyway thank you again! :D
NightRose

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Brilliant chapter!
But firstly, a few little mistakes I picked up. You should capitalise all the words in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One thing you do oftens as well is write ok or OK instead of okay. Even though we say O-K it is not the letters but a word, spelt okay. (Another thing you should just do from now on, not go back and fix up- nobody will notice really) I am only mentioning this because you did it more than twice- but you missed the 'r' in brother, so you wrote bother.
Anyway, this was a really great chapter. I can tell that you have improved, probably just from practice. I loved all the references to Alice in Wonderland, and how the chapter names are like that too. I thought it was pretty cool.
The part with the Potters was a little vague, because I didnt notice any mention of James and Albus, even though I guess they are at Hogwarts? Also, we didnt get much of an idea about their personalities or how Avery felt about them, apart from a simple mention of how nice they are. I think you just have to work on showing how she is feeling towards things instead of just saying "I felt angry." or something, but tell how the anger made her feel etc. It is a good way of drawing people into the story and making them emphatise with her.
Well, I really like it and I think you can become an amazing, talented writer, with just a bit more practice. The plot, characters and ideas are all brilliant, you just need to smooth it all out.
Good luck, and hope these are helpful!

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Thank you again for reviewing!
I completely didn't realize I was abbreviating 'ok' all the time I'm so used to doing for casual emails and texts I forgot, thank you for pointing that out for me I feel quite silly I didnt realise that!

And I know you said I shouldn't go back and fix it up but I think I'm going to anyway because I now know the mistakes are there and that now bugs me a little. Also I think it will help me get back into the story seeing as I haven't written a new chapter in a long time I think I got a bit stuck and I also find it hard to write while it's term time at uni. And I definitely want to work on showing how a character is feeling without being obvious I think I knew that was something I needed to work on.

This was again very helpful and thank you for all your lovely comments at the end :D

I'm just about to give your fanfic 'The Basic Guide On How to Fall in Love a read'. I have to admit I havent read many Marauder era fanfics before so Im excited to read it! :D

NightRose

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Hi again- thanks for asking for reviews on this story as well, I love giving reviews, especially when I can help!
So I usually write the reviews after I read it, but sometimes I just put down some notes while I am reading so I don’t forget:
- I noticed that in the summary you forgot to capitalise the first letter of her last name, and even though it is a little mistake, things like that can put people off reading the story. Also, this chapter is titled "chapter on" instead of chapter one.
-The second point I wrote down, is that when someone talks, instead of a full stop you put a comma to end it, as if they are going to continue. (This isn't worth fixing up but if you just look for it in the chapters you are writing now…)
-Another little mistake that you make a bit is after they speak you don’t capitalise the next word. For example: "--also he used to live down this road a few years ago." yeah but she talks… Anyway, it just bugs me and it looks a bit messy.
-Once, instead of brother Dan, you wrote Bother Dan. I know it is a bit annoying for me to point out little things like this, but they are so easy to slip past your notice!
-This one I also noticed in your other story and forgot to mention, but you use the word 'cus' a lot, (only when people are talking at least) but I think it looks better as 'cause, because that is actually part of the word and I just think it looks better? I don’t know, that just pisses me off!
Okay, now onto the actual writing and the story. I think this one is actually much better than the other one. There are almost no problems with the flow, and I was very interested throughout the whole thing. The one bit of advice about it is that you spend a bit too much time in the middle of it, the party, and not enough time describing the 'haunted house' scene or the last part when the wizards (Death Eaters?)come. I like the way you showed that she has magical abilities, with the torch and then later the piano. I am not sure what happened there but I am guessing that she was under pressure and stress and when she panicked her instincts and magic took control? I am curious as the where her friendship with Dan is going, and if her mother is a witch.
I think that Avery's character is well defined for a first chapter and that I am going to like her. It was a sort of cliff hanger you left me with, and I am very impatient to get to the next chapter.
Good job, and I know this is a very long review, but the rest will probably be a bit shorter!

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Hey thank you so much for reviewing this fan fic as well! Im really happy to have the help it especially with this story because I put quite a lot into it :)

I've just gone through it and edited the mistakes you picked up on and I'm going to go back through it again and see if I can put more detail into the death eater part and see what I can do about the middle part of the chapter too. I think you're right I do use 'cus' too much, so I'm going to go back through and cut it out or down. Maybe I could make it something just one character uses like an annoying character trait, but not Avery I don't want her to be annoying.

I'm so glad you liked the actual story and that it flowed more, I spent a long time on this chapter trying to make sure it flowed so I'm pleased that worked out. I'm also happy that you think Avery is well defined because I also spent some time on working her out I just really hope I can keep it up and her character doesn't change too much later on. I'm definitely going to go back through all the chapters again and make edits.

Also don't worry about long reviews they are really helpful. I much rather have a informative, detailed, long review than many short but general reviews. Thank you so much for all the help again :D

NightRose


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great chapter! I love this story, it's really good, so I cannot wait for an update! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! And I'm glad you love the story! I'm hoping to get the next chapter done soon, but I've been very busy with uni work :( I also started going to a writing workshop, which has given me more work, but hopefully it will help improve my writing and help me get the next chapter done. I'm not going to give up on this story any time soon.

Thanks for reading and reviewing! :D

NR

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Great chapter!!
It's really well written. I don't normally read stories about people in first year or bellow, but this was really good.
I can't wait to see what happens next. Please update as soon as you can.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! And I've never written anything like this before so I really appreciate your review. And thanks for giving my first year story a read, i hope you like where it goes next.

I've finished the next chapter so it should be up really soon :)

NR

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This is really good! I cannot wait to read what happens next :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much and thank you for reviewing. I'm glad you liked it and the next chapter should be up very soon :)

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