Sorry this took so long to get to. I went away for a few weeks, but I'm back now and it was such a joy to read your story.
You included lots of lovely description in the story which clearly showed the scene and the characters disposition. The story flowed fluidly and had a lovely pace.
The characterisation of both Hermione and Seamus were spot on. I liked Hermione's silent contemplation at the beginning, it's very like her to be alone in her misery. She was smart enough to see straight through Seamus' story though :) She seemed a little selfish, wanting to be the first person to Kiss Ron, even though she had already kissed Krum. More than anything though, it showed how much she loved Ron and didn't want to see him with anyone else.
Seamus was very light hearted in this story. I love the story he wove about Rond-da and how he incorporated all the elements of Ron and his family into it. You wrote it very well and the dialogue seemed very natural, especially Seamus' awkwardness at the beginning.
The end was very poetic. I felt sorry for Seamus, that he couldn't have Hermione, but he was also strong enough to realise that her heart already belong to someone else. It was just a really nice summary of the whole story.
Spelling and grammar were really good. I saw two things:
1) He tried to [light] the mood and it worked = [lighten]
2) While all I had to do was push the blonde away and kiss [him] full on the mouth. = I know that the 'him' is a slip of the tongue on Seamus' part, but it doesn't immediately come across this way and on first read it makes it sound like Seamus actually wanted to kiss the guy. I recommend putting something in here to show Seamus' slip ie, have him correct himself 'him...i mean her...' or have him give some kind of look or grimace that gives it away.
Other than those two points, I really enjoyed your story. It was well written and I love the message that came through, about how you can kiss anyone, but there really is only that one person who makes the kiss so much more special. Awesome work.Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you for this review. I really don't mind the wait, I'm already happy you were offering in the first place ;)
I'm glad you liked it. I was really out of my zone here and on top of that it didn't really fit the challenge requirements, but it makes me happy I did at least something right, since you liked it!
I never write about Hermione, have never done so before - well, that's a lie, when I had just joined HPFF I decided I wanted to write Dramione which of course resulted in EPIC FAIL and after that I stayed as far away from Hermione as I could (I blamed her for my failure) but Seamus is one of my fav characters so it makes me extra happy to hear you though he was "spot on".
I just corrected those two mistakes, several people had pointed them out to me but I'm a bit lazy when it comes to editing ... >_<
Thank you again for the review!
Danielle Report Review
Hey it's Logamind here from the forums.
Sorry it took so long to get back to you, me and my internet fell out for a few days!
This was a great little one shot. As a huge Seamus fan I really enjoyed it. Poor Seamus! You've just given another reason not to like Ron (I know it's not his fault but honestly gr.)
The characterization was wonderful. You've captured Hermiones attitude brilliantly and Seamus was hillarious. I could see it all in my head perfectly as I read it.
I agree with one of the reviews that mentioned the repeat of "he kissed Lavander". I got a little confused over it, just because of the new paragraph. I thought Seamus had said it at first and had to reread the line a couple of times before I realised she was repeating herself. Putting in the same paragraph as the first bit of dialouge or adding in a "she repeated" would make that bit a little easier to understand at that part.
Apart from that this was a wonderful one shot. The ending was almost heart breaking. I'm a big lover of happy endings but this ending seemed to fit the story so much better than a happy one would have.
I think the flow was brilliant. It didn't go too fast or drag on. You really managed to capture my attention with this.
You've done a great job.
LogamindAuthor's Response: Hiya,
You're a Seamus fan?! So am I. I adore Seamus! Glad we got that in common. I'm glad you think they were both in character - never written Hermione before besides a catastrophically badly written Dramione that I don't even want to talk about - because OOC-ness is something I absolutely despise.
Thank you so much for the lovely review.
Danielle Report Review
Hey! magnolia_magic here from the forums!
I LOVE this story so much! It's so funny, and then at the end the sad part just comes out of nowhere! Which, by the way, I really liked--it makes that moment so much more intense.
Your grammar and spelling are great. Don't worry about that :)
I think this is just really well-written. You have this totally unexpected situation (Seamus comforting Hermione), and you show a totally new side to him that we haven't really seen. Characterization is my favorite part of any story, so I was excited to see some depth to Seamus. He does such a great job of making her laugh and cheering her up, and it made me smile :)
And then we realize that Seamus is in love with Hermione! He has this perfect opportunity to tell her, but instead he is completely selfless, doing what he thinks will make her happiest. It was just so sad. I was proud of him and felt so sorry for him at the same time.
Yes, I realize I just basically wrote a summary of your story :) But I loved all those elements in your plot. And I like that you made it funny, but with this underlying story that's much more serious. The contrast was really cool, like I said.
I so enjoyed reading this! Sorry about the super-long review, but I'm just really impressed with your story. Thank you so much for requesting!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hi there,
First off, thank you for the review. I'm glad to know you liked the story. I actually had no idea where I was going with this, because I was supposed to write a one-shot in which Hermione wonders whether she really loves Ron or not. This piece, however, is more about Seamus than her, so it wasn't really what I was planning, but I guess it turned out pretty okay ;)
Also, I love Seamus. He's definitely underrated!
Thank you again for the lovely review! Made my day ;)
Danielle Report Review
For some reason, it's not letting me review your story signed in. : Whatever. This is Beeezie, here with your requested review!
I was skeptical about the pairing when I saw what it was, but you made this work really well. It was short and cute, and kept both Hermione and Seamus reasonably in-character.
There were a few things I didn't love. You used ' instead of " for dialogue, which I don't love, and the line breaks when Hermione kept saying "He kissed Lavender" shouldn't have been there. On the whole, though, this is a nice job. :)Author's Response: Oh, that doesn't matter. A review is a review, right, so I'm happy enough already ;)
Also, knowing you liked it makes me even happier. I'll go and fix the mistakes you pointed out and thank you for reviewing. Report Review
OO this is such a cute and bittersweet oneshot! I loved it, honestly and truly loved it! I loved the idea of Seamus trying to comfort Hermione and trying to tell her this story about this girl he used to be really close friends with and then ended up falling in love with her and only reall slipped up when asked for her name and then saying him instead of her.
I've never really envisioned Seamus with Hermione but this is such a cute oneshot it makes me wonder why I didn't think of it myself. I feel so bad for Seamus especially there at the end when the thinks that he could kiss all the girls in the world but it would never feel as good as with her.
I loved how this all played out. Him trying to comfort her and she pretty much ignores him until he starts making up this story to cheer her up. It was really sweet and just really cute! I just love this idea so much because its something that I have never seen before.. a Seamus/Hermione but it was interesting and cute!
You asked me to comment on grammar, spelling, and flow and I can honestly say it was all really great for me. I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes and I thought the flow was really good. There was nothing that broke up the flow for me at all! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Agnes from the forums here with your review!
Ohh, drat. The first time I wrote up a review for this, my word processor froze up and kind of imploded in on itself :( I'll do my best to try and re-type what I had to say again, though. Not to mention for some reason I can't login to review this.
When I first read the request here, I thought this story was going to be about Seamus and an OC, because of the name Ronda, until I read that the characters involved were Hermione and Seamus. Then, I became a bit wary because I'm usually a stickler for Ron/Hermione and seeing them paired with others makes me antsy. Lately, though, I've been opening up to new pairing possibilities for the both of them. I like the way you made this work, actually.
I was a bit confused about the title, at first, though. Then it made more sense when I read Seamus saying "Ron.Da" Everything fell into place! How clever of you. As for the characters, interesting choice. I never thought much about the interaction between the two of them! And you made this flow really, really well, too. There was a lot of dialogue, but I think since that was where the main content of the story was, including extra content and descriptions in the paragraphs was unnecessary. Sometimes it's better to be short and to the point, like you did in this one-shot. Short and sweet!
Oh gosh, lucky charms--you had to slip that little part in there, didn't you? Because it's Seamus, after all. That had to be my favorite line in this entire thing. Close to that, though, was the finishing line. My heart hurts for little Seamus.
The only thing that confused me was: "While all I had to do was push the blonde away and kiss him full on the mouth."--I'm not sure if that was an intentional slip when he said 'him' or if Seamus said that on purpose to hint at what he was trying to get across to Hermione about Ron and Lavender and her feelings for him.
There's also "he tried to light the mood"-- that sounds a tad awkward to me. I think it may read better as "he tried to lighten the mood."
Overall a very pleasant read. Report Review
I love Seamus. He is an awesome character and also he is very ignored I think.
I love this first chapter, and I think Seamus is doing a great thing here, even if it hurts him. I'm excited to see how this goes, and how everybody happens and what goes on!
Great job Report Review
Hi there! It's Atomic from the forums responding to your review request!!
So, I'm not normally a Seamus fan or a one-shot fan, but I absolutely loved this! You didn't try to set Hermione up with someone besides Ron in only 1000 words, it was just a great little scene that could have been straight out of the books!
As for grammar/spelling and flow the only thing I noticed was these sentences:
"But what if he doesn't feel the same?" she asked. "He kissed Lavender."
"He kissed Lavender!"
The flow here was sort of off, I might recommend putting "she repeated" or something of that sort after the second time she says "he kissed Lavender." I'm not really sure why, but for some reason I thought Seamus said it the second time and I got really confused for a second. But that might just be me.
But yeah, that was the only thing I could pick out. I loved the way you had Seamus joke around with her about "Ronda," too. It was hilarious and it really seemed very in character for Seamus. You really did a great job with this. I am highly impressed. You did an amazing job! 10/10!
Always feel free to re-request! Report Review
Hey there, marissa lily potter here with your review that you requested.
Oh my gosh. This story brought out emotions in me that other stories could never bring. Seamus' character was beyond amazing. You characterized him so well. Even though he's not the same old Seamus that we know from the Harry Potter books, his role in this fic was great and I loved it. Seamus is so sweet and I couldn't believe what was happening.
Then the ending came and it made me feel so bad for him. Although it was sad, this really is like real life. Things like this happen all the time, and it was nice to see a reflection of real life in a fic. You managed to incoporate it so well too which made it an even better read.
The only thing I had a problem with was dialogue. Sometimes, I couldn't tell who was speaking. It was hard to figure out who was saying what at times. Despite the dialogue being a bit off, I think the conversation that Seamus and Hermione had was great. He was such a nice friend to her.
You also managed to capture the fiery anger and stubbornness of Hermione Granger. I think her characterization was spot on! The story flowed, and the only thing I wish for is that it could be longer because your writing is so amazing. I found myself zipping through the fic and wanting more. Absolutely amazing work with this!
-marissa lily potter Report Review
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