Ooh, I had no idea this was based on the actual Black family tree! I noticed Phineas, of course, so assumed the time period from that, but I've never been very interested in the Blacks in general (kind of hating Sirius the Latter and all) so I didn't know all of these other character names were canon. Cool!!
Ok, so I guess I overestimated Sirius's level of crazy. I really thought he was going to do the Muggle in and at LEAST lock up his sister forever if not downright kill her for defiling the family honor (ok, I guess I've read too many books about the Saudi royal family...) I'm glad Isla got to run away in the end and that Ella set her free. It was nice to have the story end on a positive note, though there was that feeling of Ella knowing her own family was basically scum mixed in.
"Hidden in shadow, I watched Isla run down the track, her hair dancing behind her, mud leaping up her skirts, bathed in celestial, glorious light. She was smaller, a young girl, a girl I had always loved, a girl chasing butterflies, whose soft hair I had plaited moments before, whose smile lit up the room and whose eyes were as brightly dark as the night." --That was really beautifully written. If I think about it too much it's going to make me cry because my own little sister had to move away with my family while I stayed and was in college and got married. They really do grow up so fast and you wonder where the little girl went.
This was fun to read and review! I'm LOVING this review challenge thing because it's forcing me to make time to read fan fiction, something I haven't done consistently for years now with work then having a baby. I especially like how it's making me search out characters and time periods I normally wouldn't gravitate to. I mean, obscure Black family members in the nineteenth century?? How random is that?! LOVE IT! So... I hope these new reviews helped brighten your day a bit because your own for my story are certainly lighting mine up like a Christmas tree! Good job with this short story, and see you around TGS and HPFF! ~Renny Report Review
"As I swept through the corridors, my dress flew out behind me like leaves caught in the wind." --That was a really nice description! Definitely fitting since I would imagine Ella must feel very lost like she's also being tossed in the wind at the moment and needing her (not scary) brother to anchor her back down.
I like how you have Ella not even know the names of some of the house-elves (or if she does, she doesn't deem them important enough to use them.) It's a subtle reminder of how the privileged witches and wizards considered the house-elves to be so far beneath them it's like they're part of the house like the furniture and not sentient beings. A lady in a grand Muggle house would certainly know the names of the servants, at least the ones who served upstairs, but house-elves don't even get that :(
Some might say that Sirius's reaction was a bit over the top, but I don't think it was. I would imagine back then it was already getting hard to find other pure-bloods to marry who you weren't related to, so for pure-blood families, maintaining that honor would have been more important than anything. They would have viewed what Isla did as the worst possible action in the world because not only did she sully their reputation, making it then impossible for them to move in society or make good pure-blood matches for the unmarried siblings, but she did it with a Muggle which really was the ultimate betrayal of what their whole family stands for. If I was Sirius (thank goodness I'm not...geez!) I'd blow a gasket, too.
I don't have a good feeling at all about what Sirius is about to do. I'm pretty sure this Robert Hitchens guy won't live to see tomorrow, but I wonder if Isla will also be "dealt with" in the same way. I wouldn't put it past Sirius to do it. He seems rich and powerful enough to get away with anything. One more chapter! Let's see what happens!
~Renny Report Review
I like the little short intros at the beginning of each chapter. They sort of remind me of a character's narration during a movie or something. They also give a good sense of foreshadowing because the reader knows something horrible happened, but we have to go back in time a bit to see what it was and what led up to it.
"I've noticed Isla act funny, too" --the "funny" just threw me a teeny bit. It didn't seem to fit the upperclass, period tone you've set for this story. I wonder if something more like "odd," "queer," "strangely," or "singularly" might work better?
Ugh, I'm SO glad I didn't live back then! You've done a really good job of describing the underlying general boredom in this chapter. Basically we're all rich and don't have anything to keep us occupied (like, you know, EMPLOYMENT) so we'll sit around dissecting the tiniest detail like our sister being sick. Of course the implication that she might have a secret and thus be potentially threatening the family honor IS a big deal... but still. I probably would have gone insane back then with all of the drawing room intrigue and back-stabbing.
Oh, so I guess I was wrong about maybe the girls being too good for Hogwarts because it looks like it might be the other way around. It's a very good point Sirius makes that they drew attention to themselves thus making any tiny slip-up of theirs in the future that much more glaring. Hmmm...
Uh oh, and the plot thickens... a filthy Muggle! Eeew! Not that I really blame Isla since her family sounds pretty repressive. That can't be much fun...
~Renny Report Review
Hi!! Well, I always feel very guilty when I receive incredibly long nice reviews, so I wanted to pop over to repay the favor and knock out another ultimate review challenge all in one fell swoop :D I think I lucked out immensely finding this hidden gem tucked away in the new stories thread over at TGS. I mean, you had me right at the banner: Colin Firth? Yes please! I also love that it's a different time period than usual because I'm not into Sirius at all, so reading about different Blacks will be really cool!
First off, I love the phrase "chief wandmasters." Did you make that up yourself? It really brings to mind instantly this magical equivalent of a gentleman in that time period, even more when you think about how they had to be skilled at things like fencing and hunting. I would think rich wizards back then would have been almost required to be experts at magic, if only because they had the money to pay really expensive private tutors if their skills were lacking.
"Before dawn she has usually risen, and it is only at dinner I see her again in the day." --Hmm, seems like a good arrangement for a marriage back then. Very Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins.
I found the sort of old-fashioned voice to be very consistent throughout the chapter and helped set the tone for the piece since it's obviously a very different time period than the books. I liked the references to the changes going on like a greater acceptance of Muggle-borns at Hogwarts and also how the girls weren't educated there (I would think maybe it was slightly scandelous for men and women to attend school together, even if it was such an old institution :D)
Ok! Going to keep reading now and maybe get a hint as to what the horrible, dishonourable secret is. It's always the youngest one you have to worry about, isn't it?
~Renny Report Review
Hey! Here from the TGS Review Exchange :)
I really liked how you began this story, with the re-telling of the way the family changed and deteriorated over time. Normally I don't like it when authors 'tell' me outright instead of 'showing' me through behavior over the course of the story. However, I liked the foreshadowing that was contained in the brief synopsis of past events, and I think it was really effective in setting the mood of the story, especially that final line about more than milk being spilled at breakfast.
This is a part of the Black family history that is very seldom explored -- in fact, I think it's the first story I've seen that has these characters in major roles. Your attention to detail was really clear here, especially in the way you used imagery to further emphasize the regal, arrogant nature we've come to associate with this family. It's like the entire world you've created, not just the family members, recognizes that the Blacks are made of finer stuff than the average wizard. I also liked your effort to use an appropriate dialect and tone, as it made it easy for me to buy into the aristocratic feel of the story. It's obvious that you were thorough, and it's excellent!
I noticed a couple of typos that you might want to revise if you ever go back and edit this in the future. First, you've got an extra 'y' on 'say' toward the end of the paragraph about Isla wearing the hair veil. In the paragraph above that, I see a place where I think you meant to capitalize 'Mother' but missed it. These are both very small, though, so don't fret.
Wonderful job! This is a great start to an interesting tale.
AmandaAuthor's Response: Hii! Sorry about the stupid length of time it's taken me to respond to this review. School/life has been in the way so much!
This whole fic was a real gamble at the time, and reading it back recently I actually really dislike it haha. It's funny how at the time you like something you've written but once you look back over it there are so many flaws :(
The whole aristocracy feel was something I did really try with. Some people have got the wrong end of the stick and assumed I was writing about the more recent Sirius and Black family, so I'm glad that you could tell that I was going for something a lot older! When writing, I felt like trying to make my characters talk quite posh made it feel quite wooden, but I'm glad it has kind of paid off :) :)
Eep, typos! Thank you very much! I'll be sure to correct them.
Thank you ever so much for such an encouraging review. I think at some point in the future I am going to edit all of these chapters, for peace of mind, and your support is really, truly awesome.
Laura xxx Report Review
Just like every chapter so far, I like this :) This chapter was very good and defiantly gave us insight into how the Black family operates and acts to betrayal, which is something that I haven't seen much of in fan fictions.
You seem to have kept the era pretty much in tact. However, I was suppose to mention in the chapter before but it slipped my mind; seeing you have this set in a olden-time era the dialogue is slightly different. In this you have used words like 'don't' whereas, back then, it would have been 'do not'.
This chapter is good though and I throughougly enjoyed it. Feel free to re-request!
*Jaz, 9/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for the brilliant reviews, lovely! I'm so sorry its taken me so long to respond. Finally though exams are over so I can live on HPFF again!
When writing I really wanted to stress the betrayal and distrust in the family, but as it opposes with my C21 viewpoint it was a real challenge just to reason with my characters! I am really glad you liked it though. Eep, yes, thank you very much for the corrections! I don't think I will attempt writing another 'olde englishe' fic hahaha, I found it way too hard!
Thanks so much for the review!
Laura xxx Report Review
I don't think that you rushed anything so far. The pace is really good so far - I'm glad that you've only got one thing happening per chapter instead of three or four - it add believability to the story.
Characterisation wise, the story is very good but (because of the era, i'm assuming) Sirus is a little bit off. He seems to fit into the family too well, if you get what I mean. Unless, of course this is before Sirus ran away from his family and all that.
You've written the era perfectly (just like the last chapter) and that final line was perfect! You set the story up perfectly and kept it at a good enough pace for the climax of the story to really take affect. Also, you outlined the feeling of betrayal that Ella felt perfectly.
I couldn't pick up any grammatical errors except for what I mentioned in the previous chapter.
*Jaz, 9/10Author's Response: Hey!
I'm glad you thought I paced this chapter - when I had everything planned out I kind of got overexcited and tried to hurry with putting it all down on paper!
The Sirius in this fic isn't actually Sirius as in Harry's godfather. JK provided a complete family tree of the Black's/various other aristocracy, so I picked my characters from there. Isla is actually on the tree too, and was blasted off for marrying a muggle, very very early on in the family's history. I thought it would make for a good story! ;D
I'm so glad you liked this, I really am. It was real gamble but hopefully it did pay off!
Laura xxx Report Review
javct45 here with your review!
First off, congratulations on finishing a story! I've never finished one (bar my one-shots) so good job! *hands virtual cookies* :D
I love this story so far. Is it an AU story because the writing/style of the story seems very Jane Austen-y.
I think that you got the tone of the story right. You captured the feel of The Black perfectly! It's always interesting to see how people portray the Black family and I think you did it really well.
The language, in my opinion, sounds fine. I can't find anything wrong with it - usually, with the era that you're writing in, people tend to talk modern-y (I couldn't find a proper word to use haha) but you have hit the nail on the head.
One mistake that I did see however (don't worry I use to do this to) but when you've finished dialogue and end it with a comma the word after is in lowercase. For example, it wouldn't be 'gone by," She' it would actually be 'gone by," she' (I hope that made sense)
Onto the next chapter!
*Jaz, 9/10Author's Response: Hello!
I know what you mean about it feeling Jane Austen-y. I really tried to write for the time period but I admit, it was a bit of a fail, haha! No, it's not AU, as I've addressed in another response, but I suppose it is like a completely seperate world!
I'm glad you thought I captured the Black's. In this story I wanted to address their main beliefs and how absolutely crazy they were on honour, perhaps suggesting why their descendants are too.
Thank you for the really super reviews. They're so encouraging and really, really appreciated!
Laura xxx Report Review
This was just...perfect. I love the emotion in this chapter. it's just..so pure. You can really dive into it. And I just...it was the perfect ending. Especially the last lines. I just love it all! I...don't really know what else to say. It's just perfect :)
~LilyAuthor's Response: Perfect?! -blushes- thank you so much! you really are the best in the universe at giving compliments, you know. I'm so proud of my little fic for making me feel a little speechless, because I did have fun writing it, for all of its flaws.
Thanks so so much. You're a real star
Laura xxx Report Review
No! He can't hurt her! He won't, will he? Oh, I hope not. And I can't believe Ella did that! I mean, she should have just asked her about it or something. But...I don't even know. This is so good, I can't wait to read the next chapter!
~LilyAuthor's Response: Eep, I do believe you had just reached the tense bits! I had so much fun writing those. :D
I'm glad you've enjoyed the story so far - thank you for your honest responses, they've really boosted my confidence
Laura xxx Report Review
Oh yeah, I knew it! :D But I love this story so much still! I was a little afraid my prediction wouldn't be right, but it was :P I love how the MC is so preoccupied with the pureblood thing, like it's what she lives for. And how you've shown the fight for power she sorta has with her brothers even though she knows she could never best them, since she never got an education. And this story just...it's grabbed me and sucked me in. You're doing such an amazing job! I love it.
~LilyAuthor's Response: Haha, I'm secretly glad you're hooked! It felt weird writing Ella because excessive pride and this whole thinking-she's-better thing goes against everything I believe in haha, so it was quite a challenge. Because of this I did worry I had gone a bit overboard with it.
Thank you for another simply amazing review; it really does mean a lot to me.
Laura xxx Report Review
First, and apology. I'm so sorry for taking forever to get to this, but look, I have :) And it is wonderful! I love the voice and tone of the story and how you've set it up. I'm not exactly sure of the time period, but I was under the impression that Hogwarts always allowed muggle-born students to attend. Again, I could be wrong, just what I thought.
But the plot seems original to me. At least, I've never read one like this so far before. If I could hazard a guess I would say that Isla is pregnant? With a muggles child? maybe? Eh, I'll find out when I read the rest :D
Your MC is brilliant too. I can see her view quite clearly- a proud pureblood, and expects her entire family to feel the same way! And just...it's amazing. You've got an amazing start here, I can barely wait for the next chapter!
~LilyAuthor's Response: Don't apologise - look how long its taken me to respond!
I think you are right about Hogwarts always letting muggle-borns attend - someone else has pointed this out too, and I think I've just got my facts mixed up. I think upon editing later this summer I'll change that :) I based the story, characters and time period on JK's Black family tree. Isla, Elladora and Sirius and Phineas are all there at the very top, and interestingly Isla was one of the names blasted off the portrait, for marrying a muggle man. I thought it would make for an interesting story!
I really did try to impress pride through Elladora, but to me a lot of her character comes across as wooden now that I haven't read the fic for a few months. I am really glad that you've enjoyed this first chapter though; I'm so, so flattered!
Laura xxx Report Review
I don't know if you've seen the family tree, but Sirius actually died when he was eight...other than that, great story!Author's Response: Oh crud! Hahaha! Fail! Thank you for letting me know! and thanks for the review :) x Report Review
Enjoyable style and dialogue.Author's Response: Thank you so much :) x Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your requested review! :)
I liked this story. I tend to like things that are from time periods we know very little about when authors do them well, and you certainly have (even if you wrote it really quickly). It's intriguing, and you've certainly portrayed the pureblood blood-focused family quite well without making them seem like outright villains.
Mechanically, there were a few points where your writing was a bit awkward. Some examples:
- "our ages separated by four years" seemed a little awkward.
- In the third paragraph, you talk about Elladora caring for Isla in a way "that mother never seemed to." I think it should either be "our mother" or "Mother" capitalized because it's a proper noun.
- I saw one case of incorrect semi-colon usage. You talk (still in the third paragraph) about their complicated relationship. The semi-colon should have come after "children" rather than "years."
- Fourth paragraph: typo in "sayy"
- When Elladora tells Grelda to go help Isla, she says "mistresses." It's possessive, not plural, so it should be "mistress's."
- Elladora refers to Grelda as both "she" and "it." I think you should choose one.
I also didn't really buy that Hogwarts had just started to let Muggleborns in then, because I recall an argument about that as being part of why Slytherin left the school long before this.
Other than that, as I said, I thought it was quite good. Feel free to rerequest! :)Author's Response: Helloo! Sorry about the horribly belated reply - life honestly gets in the way so badly. So glad I'm back though.
I am really flattered that you think I've written this time period well, because I worried about it for ages after posting it. I still do actually, and I think I will at some point return to it and edit, edit, edit! I didn't want to make them seem like villains or be hated - I wanted to give them a motive and a reason for why they act and think the way they do. I guess when it comes down to it it's always honour. I'm glad you've noted this too. :)
Eeep, corrections! I'll be sure to get to them soon - thanks ever so much. At the time I didn't have word and was writing on notepad (bane of my life) so there are a few corrections to be done that I didn't spot before I posted. Thanks for pointing them out :)
Yeahh, a few people have said about the Salazar thing. You guys are right. I think that bit just slipped my mind, but it does make the whole chapter seem a bit backwards thenceforth. I shall change it! And make up something else to go there instead, ha ha!
Thank you tons for the detailed review - I really appreciate it :)
Laura xxx Report Review
The italics really work here. I love the retrospective aspect of them and they set up the chapter perfectly. It's something that I always think is quite hard to pull off - I've never managed it - so well done :D
Again, the characters are so strong within this story. Elladora certainly has a vulnerability to her that is rare to see amongst interpretations of the Black family. In spite of what she might become later, I think you've given her another dimension in her youth. Reading this is actually quite reminiscent of a story centralling on Andromeda and either of her sisters and I think that speaks volumes on the Black family and how afraid they were of change.
The style is still very good and this chapter flowed better than the previous. There are still some spelling and grammar issues - I know you've not got Word which makes spell-checking hard but it's nothing major, just a check on dialogue grammar rules and some typos :)
I found myself feeling quite sorry for Elladora, especially at the end, for her sister's betrayal, no matter how much the prejudices of her family are wrong. Looking at it from her perspective really pulls at your heartstrings when you read.
It's really just the description you could work on. It's something that will eventually become easier and easier but focus more on showing than outright telling: keep it short and simple and let our minds fill in the blanks. It's a really difficult balance but it'll get there :)
I think that's really all I have to say! I might pop by and do the last two chapters at some point this week if nobody else requests. This really is a very special story.
xxAuthor's Response: Hello,
Thank you for another awesome review and the incredible encouragement. You were so thorough and helpful with these reviews, and have no idea how much confidence they gave me!
Flow was one of the things that I just couldn't get with this fic, I admit. Maybe it was the language and time period barrier, I don't know. I'm glad this one was a tad better though - I think I enjoyed writing the chapters more the more I got into them. I agree with you on the description - I think I overdid it in places and underdid it in others. It is something I need to work on and hopefully I'll get better soon!
Thank you again, 100 times over :)
Laura xxx Report Review
Hi lovely! I love starting new review threads; they always make me excited about reading the requests :D
Firstly, this is such a good idea in terms of the characters involved and the story. Going through the 'Other' section is a lot of hard work usually, so I only read the Blacks when they pop up in requests. It makes such a change to read in this era, rather than Bella/Andromeda/Narcissa or the generation up from that. This takes us way back and it's very brave of you to do so :P
It would be nice to open with a year, because a lot of people won't know exactly when this is taking place without referring to Google. All you'd need to put is 18XX under the 'One' and you're set.
Your characters are really well-rounded already. We know so much about the history of the Black family and that always helps in the shaping of them in fanfiction. Elladora is a really interesting character to write this from the perspective of, too. We all know how cruel she was and I think the way she spoke to the house-elf really made that side of her stand out. I got a good sense of Isla, Phineas and Sirius too and the ending was really intriguing.
You asked for some honest critique so I'll do my best. The spelling and grammar was a little off in places but that's nothing that a careful once-over won't fix. I really admire you for writing it in an appropriate register too. That was really effective but I'd be wary of making the dialogue too stiff. The formality of it is great and fitting for the class and the era but the 'dears' and the repetitive use of names knocked it a little off balance for me.
I really liked the structure of it, though. Maybe break the two sections up with a line break or an asterisk, as well as the italics. The opening gave us a good amount of background, not so much that it felt like I was being overloaded with information about them but enough that I got a good sense of their characters and Isla in her youth especially.
I think your main issue will probably be the description. Work on showing us rather than telling us. If you just got rid of the first five words here, it automatically makes it less dictatorial: I was satisfied to see she had slipped into something more appropriate, a green silken day dress, and that this was devoid of dirt.
I'd maybe build up a little more about the setting too. I pictured Grimmauld Place in my head but I don't know if that's accurate or not so it would be nice to have some more information on that. The end of the chapter was also a little abrupt so maybe try and round it off a little more cleanly.
It's a really good opening chapter, though, Laura. You've set up so much mystery and a lot of questions for us to think about, and the characters have come to life already. The style's good and really all it needs is a little bit of TLC to get the description a little stronger and tighter.
xxAuthor's Response: Hey lovely,
Thank you for such a detailed and helpful response! You probably have no idea how much this is going to benefit me for the rewrite in the summer, so thanks a million trillion.
Haha, yes, they seemed like a challenge so i figured I'd just go for it! I agree about the date thing - I guess that way people would know how to envisage things etc etc. I found it really hard to keep writing in like, an older style, so that is something I have to work on and something I'll up the ante with next time round. I did actually really enjoy my characters! There's something ever so sinister about them that makes them all the more enjoyable :)
Yes, a dictatorial style is something I SUCK at - I just find actual stories and not flouncy one shots so hard to write. I'm hoping i can just keep working through it though. Descriptions too - yep, noted :) I just generally really struggled with setting the scene etc, so thank you for your honest feedback :)
Thank you so much!
Laura xxx Report Review
I really like this story,it has so many inuendos you can imagine so many different aspects of the storyline,your mind can take you anywhere.Good job and keep them coming.Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you tons, it means loads that you liked this. I really tried hard, and as its my first completed fic I put a lot of myself into it. Thanks for the review and read! x Report Review
Such a lovely new chapter. I rather expected Elladora to betray her sister's secret. It wouldn't be the Blacks if someone wasn't disowned for shaming them.
I only wish it were longer. That there was more description to go along with the heavy dialogue. It is still lovely, don't get me wrong. But I rather like a delicate balance between the two, and find this lacking description.
I can't wait to read more :DAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank you tons! I'm really glad you liked it :) Yeah, haha, I really wanted to show how messed up their priorities are, and Elladora was the perfect example!
I see what you mean; your reviews have prompted me to edit these once the rest is up, so I'll see what I can do :) Thank you so much. I will definitely take your words into consideration.
Thank you! :D You've made my day! L xxx Report Review
I'm glad I was proven right in what Isla was doing. I love Elladora's reaction to knowing her sister was off with a Muggle. Though, I'm not quite sure 'seeing' is the correct term for the era this is written in. I think 'courting' might have been a better term. Because I would assume they would be courting though in secret.
Anyway, this is such a love fic, I'm surprised it doesn't have more reviews. I love Sirius, let me tell you. Not because I love Sirius II just as much, but because he is so very proud and very Black like. And, I can see bits of Sirius II in him, despite the fact that Sirius II was a traitor to the family.
Elladore reminds me of any pureblood witch. Though, if she were taught differently, if she had an open mind, I'm sure she too would agree with Isla's assessment. And even Phineus doesn't seem to be bothered too much by the fact that muggle-borns are being admitted to Hogwarts. Though, I have to wonder, wouldn't the founders have allowed muggle-borns to attend Hogwarts? Was that not the whole reason Salazar left? Just a though.
Loved it all the same.Author's Response: Hey again!
Argh, I'm so pleased you liked that bit! I rewrote it when I typed it up so many times! I wanted it to be just right. Yeah, I agree, 'courting' does sound better. Seeing seems very kinda...modern. I keep slipping up haha! But no, I will be sure to change that :)
Oh thank you loads, Len! Sirius' pride was something I really wanted to exaggerate and go crazy with, because I pretty much imagine their family to be a family of nutters. They're overly proud, pure blood fanatical...and this too I tried to rub off onto Elladora, which gets her in quite a tizz, as you'll see later. Yeah, I thought both Sirius I and II both had a bit of a dangerous element to them - very fly-off-the-handle, if you know what I mean.
Eek, this is something I wondered myself, but in the end I just left it. I really was not sure about dates etc, but I think you're right; Salazar did leave because of muggle-borns! Once I edit these I think I will try and rephrase that, because whenever I read it back I wonder about it, haha! But I'm glad you can see how Elladora is in a way suppressed and restrained from having a wider POV - it's something I really tried to stress, kind of like modern day racism.
Thank you so much, again, for another fabulous review! You're the best! Lxxx Report Review
So, here I am with your review. Sorry it took me so long.
Anyway, I rather enjoyed this first chapter. I could almost picture being there with the characters. I often wonder what it would be like for a woman in the Black family if she chose not to follow their ways. So, I'm quite interested in finding out more.
The very beginning of this chapter was very striking and memorable. I rather liked the way you describe the character Isla. I only wish this description would have carried throughout the chapter. Take for instance the fact that you don't really describe the Manor House. Should we be picturing a victorian (or older) version of Gimmwald Place? I'm curious to know just what their home looks like.
As for the mystery that you have set up, I'm intrigued. I want to know as much as Elladora does, what her sister has been up to. I have my own ideas and they are rather risque to say the least. But I'm hoping to be proven correct. lol.
LenAuthor's Response: Hello! No problem, sorry about the delay in responding too!
I agree, and I found out about the earlier part of the Black family by looking at their family tree, and it was from this that I got the inspiration for this! I think Sirius mentions the story vaguely somewhere, though I can't be sure, but I thought it was a story not yet told, so why not?
I completely see what you mean, trying to get the tone right but also the story down was a bit of an issue for me. Truth be told, I wrote a lot of this in one go by hand and it's not always consistant. It's something I think I will be going back through and editing, so thanks for your thoughts! I will deffinitely try to build more of a picture for the reader :)
Expect nothing less from me Len, hahaha! You will see as you read on.! L xxx Report Review
Wow, another powerful chapter!
So basically, I'm going to build on what I said for the last, I do love how you open the chapters and how it draws the reader in as it did for me. I just love how you do it and I think it is so powerful!
I love the build up of the characters, how Elladora could tell Isla was lying. Its amazing because its real for sisters to be like that, not fake to add drama, real.
And you said you wanted to know if the ending was good? I love it! I love how the tension gradually rises and how you just find out at the end, not half way through. It makes the reader want more now, not next week, now. Its so engaging!
I know I said this before, but youre dialouge is very realistic and I love it! Its just so cool and realistic!
I'm sorry this is a bit shorter than the last but I do love this,
Emma xxAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks again, I'm so glad you enjoyed this chapter too. I was a little worried it'd get dull, but I'm so pleased you felt it didn't. As for the ending, wow, thanks! I really tried hard with that bit. Realistic was ultimately what I was trying to achieve, and for you to say I did is just...super.
Thank you so, so much. Your reviews are invaluable, thank you! L xxx Report Review
Wow, I dont know what to say, this is so amazing and powerful! I love it!
Wow, the start to this is amazing, so powerful and descriptive whilst also keeping me engaged, its great! I love the way you describe Isla in this opening passage, it works really welll and I think your description is so beautiful! I could read chapters and chapters of this without getting bored because youre language is so beautiful!
You said you were a bit nervous with this being in first person and from the 'baddies' point of view. Wll, you have done this very well and you should be proud. I loved reading this from a POV that isnt the norm, and it certanly isn't cliche. You have written this beautifully and it flows well in first person. It was a good choice to do it like that. I do like it how you make her POV of whay a pure blood would think, not of some random girl, thats good.
One thing I love and I see is done flawlessly is the way you write dialouge in the way the people from that time would speak. I think it is done so effectively and flows well. I knnow writing like that is hard but you make it look so effortless without it looking naff. Love it! Especially the way it sounds so natural and as if it is so instinctive to talk like that!
I just picked up on a few minor mistakes and things to think about when writing:
-Very minor spelling mistakes occasionally.
-Isla and Elladora are part of the Black family and the Black family are named after stars and constellations so Isla and Elladora should be xx
Despite that, I do love this so much as your language is so amazing and this is a great start,
Emma xxAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for this gorgeous review! Its so kind of you, thank you!
I'm ever so glad you liked my descriptions, because I felt it was something I was lacking on, but your encouragement really puts my mind at ease. As for my POV, argh, I'm so so pleased it was okay! :D And the dialogue, too - an extra bonus.
Ahh, spelling errors, forever my downfall. As for the names, though, I got them from the Black family tree that JK released a little after DH I think, and it is also where I kinda got the inspiration for this story. Isla is burned off the family tree (I think Sirius mentions this in OOTP but I'm not sure) so I thought it'd be cool to see what it was like for her sibling to experience this :) But, if I had chosen like, random names, thank you for pointing that out. It would make it more believable, you're right, but this time the blame is on JK, haha! :)
Thank you for such an amazing review. You're a star! :D xxx Report Review
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