Yay for your AU notice in your A/N. Being a canon freak with OCD kind of makes me crazy because you've put Narcissa as younger (or the Marauders are older?) to be closer to age. BUT it doesn't bother me when I [i]know[/i] it's AU. How strange is that? LOL.
I love how you've written Narcissa so far; she's a mother who would do anything for her family, we know that from DH. I didn't see the unbreakable vow coming, that's interesting. I can't wait to see where this goes.
Also, yay for Narcissa/James. I'm quite fond of this pairing.
Sam.Author's Response: Dearest TheHeirOfSlytherin,
So sorry for the late reply work has got me on my toes but thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my latest story!
I'm so glad to hear that you are liking my characterization of Narcissa thus far. It is my first Marauder's story and I'm doing my best to get the characterization right. I agree with you in that I think Narcissa's number one priority is Draco. Its really in my opinion the one thing she feels she has done right in her life, particularly since I've always gotten the sense that she is somehow dissatisfied with the way her life has unfolded--whether regards to her sister, husband, involvement in the Dark Arts.
I am so glad to hear that you are fond of the Narcissa/James pairing. I inadvertently stumbled across it while trying to make my first story a bit more interesting and complex and it turned out to just be so much fun to write about and consider. They are just such different people that trying to imagine how they might come together is both challenging and exciting!
As to the unbreakable vow.. though my story is AU (as you are quite right to mention in that I tampered with the ages of my characters a bit), I really wanted to weave my story into JKRs, to ground it somewhat in the basic trajectory of canon characters if not to make it more interesting for me as a writer than to give a bit more legitimacy to my story. The unbreakable vow was just a perfect opportunity for me. It such an unusual bit of magic and very underexplored--it of course caught my attention during the books and I've been thinking about it really ever since.
Anyways, I really hope you stick with my story and enjoy the things to come!
Thanks again for your read and review! Greatly appreciate it.
-ffleur Report Review
I was right! The cloak is elemental! Wonder how it comes into play...
Has Lucius hit her before? Because it kind of sounds like he has, I hope he hasn't.
Please right again soon. Your writing is so good, and the plot complex, and I need to know what happens. PLEASE!!
jaz xoxoAuthor's Response: Dearest Jaz!
Yes you were absolutely correct! The cloak is elemental and will serve a very important role in the coming chapters. More on that soon!
As to Lucius hitting her before?! No--I've never conceived of him to be abusive--but that is not to say that jealousy, madness, fear might not lead him in that direction in the future. You are right, however, in thinking that they do have a very weird or odd relationship.. one that might not be as healthy as Narcissa and her family like to think necessarily. But again, more on that soon!
Thanks again for everything--for your reviews and continued support! I hope to not keep you waiting too long, more is def on its way; and, I really hope you like what is to follow (in both PEffect and Blinded!).
Yours truly, ffleur Report Review
Her first lie to him? It will definitely be the first of many lies she tells him right?
Oh no, you weren't explaining the cloak to be elemental we're you? Oh no that's not good. Elements and rebound-of-fates do seem to interconect don't they?
Off to read more,
jaz xoxoAuthor's Response: Oh yes--what is a story of forbidden romance without lies?! ;)
As to the cloak--you are quite right to catch on to the allusions to elemental magic... like in Blinded, much of magic will come back to the elements. The cloak is, indeed, elemental as will be discussed more in the following chapter and will play a key role throughout the story.
HOpe you are enjoying it sooo far! Thanks again for your reads and reviews! I really appreciate them!
xoxoox, ffleur Report Review
So Draco did have the task of killing Dumbledore? I wonder how this works into the mixture seeing that. Dumbledore was not only healthy but quite alive in Blinded. Does Voldemort die before their seventh year? But that wouldn'tbmake any sense! I guess I'll just have to read some more.
Severus owes her an Unbreakable Vow? Interesting...
Off for more,
jaz xoxoAuthor's Response: Jazzy4ver! You have absolutely made my day by coming back to the Blinded world and visiting my latest story!
You actually raise very good questions about the place of Book6/Book7 in Blinded that I am going to have to address somehow in the next couple of chapters and actually think very carefully about. So thank you for bringing this to my attention and reminding me!!
But yes--ideally, the vow did come into play (for Narcissa and Draco) as we see in the beginning of HBP, but to different ends, as will be made clear towards the end of PEffect and possibly Blinded. Also you are right..Voldemort is still very much alive in Blinded, as when I started this story Blinded was (and remains) pre-Second War.
Yes--the Unbreakable Vow is a key part of this story and will recur at several points!
I hope you enjoy what is to come! Its my first attempt at a proper Marauder's story and I am a bit nervous about it. But, I figure might as well give it a go!
Thanks again! xoxox, ffleur Report Review
Hello there, hun! I'm here with your review as requested. First, I just want to apologize for the extremely long wait. I'm so sorry about that. I've been pretty busy with school work and such, and my queue has just been huge these days. So it took me longer than I would have hoped, but I finally made time for this. Thank you for being so patient! And I'm glad you re-requested!
And what a great third chapter! I loved it. It was a great addition to the story, and its developing so well. I can't wait to see where you take this. I'm absolutely loving it.
I never thought I would be a James/Narcissa fan, but you really have this going for me. You've made me a fan already, and I absolutely love it.
I don't know quite what else to tell you. It was great. Their dialogue goes perfect and it just flows so easily together. Just seamlessly as if they aren't trying. And the thing is, is that they don't even know each other all that well or aren't on good enough terms to already have that conversation. So the fact that it all goes so well is wonderful. It says something about your characters and your writing as well.
Fantastic job! You've made me a fan! Be sure to come request from me when the next chapter is up. I can't wait! :)Author's Response: Thank you Pheonix_Flames for making time for my request!
So glad to hear that I have converted you :) I was not initially a fan either but the more I learn about the characters the more I see this pairing if not work entirely at least provide me with some interesting juxtapositions/situations to think about.
I'm also happy to hear that you think my dialogue fit well. It is something I struggled with.. as I've reworked it a bit. I'm really glad you think it fit/wasn't forced.
I will absolutely be sure to re-request. I'm hoping to update very soon!
ffleur Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested! I'm so sorry foe the long wait. Please forgive me. I was dying with my workload from mid-terms last wek, but thankfully that is all out of the way now and I can make time for reading and reviewing again!
And a great second chapter. I'm so happy you came to request the update. Who know when I would have gotten around to this if you hadn't. Really great job. You did great with making sure the plot stayed moving.
I loved the beginning of the chapter. That was the only thing that tidbit really hold any events in it, but it was nice to get Narcissa's views on things. It was a good time to introduce her character and let the reader get to know her her background and character as a person. It wasn't too overwhelming. It was just the perfect balance with her arrival on the train, the events, and everything going on within her head. A really brilliant job!
Ah, and then James! I was just as lost and confused as she was. Still am. You have me dying to know what the heck was going on with James. The way you wrote it was wonderful. I think there are a few instances when a boy runs in half naked, but you did a fantastic job of making every bit of it unique and creative. Your descriptions were flawless that really brought it to life. I could just see him crouching down in the compartment. And I don't know why exactly but I loved your description of him gripping his wand with his toes. It's such a unique and different description, and I always feel like these sorts of things really set a story apart from the others and give it life. And it certainly did. There were many other descriptions like this that I loved as well, but that's just one specifically. :)
Your writing in itself is so impressive. It's not very often that I come across a story and see every comma in the right place, a larger vocabulary with a unique plot. You really have a lot of talent, and I can't wait to see where you take this story.
It's absolutely brilliant. No complaints. You're making great progress. :) Well done! I wish I could hit the next chapter, but I'm pretty sure I have about twenty people in my queue right now, so unfortunately I can't. I will be back once I empty it. But if you don't wish to wait that long, then of course feel free to come request again. Thanks!
DrueAuthor's Response: Dearest Phoenix_Flames!
Thank you so much for taking the time to review! And congrats on the Dobby win, btw. Your reviews are always so thorough, constructive in their critique and encouraging! You make us all better writers! I hope you know that :)
I'm really glad to hear that you don't think Narcissa's backstory was too overwhelming. I've definitely reworked it a bit since I first posted it and was worried about it.. but I really felt I had to give her history some due credit before diving into this story, if not to set up a more believable plot line than to ground myself as a writer in something concrete because this story is so AU. Once I got started, I also just had a lot of fun diving into the Black Family Tree (so may unexplored stories and relationships!).
I'm glad I have you on the edge of your seat as well! I really don't want this story to be cliched. I'm a huge fan of the unexpected and unpredictable myself and I'm trying my best to hold my own writing up to those standards and expectations.
And, it always makes me so happy when readers pick up on little details that stick with them. I'm really excited to hear that the 'wand between his toes' bit was so compelling for you. I just figured he would need to secure his wand somehow, while his hands were busy w/ the cloak! And, if it were me--I'd use my toes ;)
I'm really glad that you are enjoying my writing style--honored, really, by your compliment--not sure if I'm deserving, but let me tell you, it's readers and reviewers like you that really keep me going. Thank you for the encouragement--it means much more than I can say.
I will certainly re-request. I know you are in such high demand!
His eyes had bugged out like he had just witnessed the miraculous, the impossible—something along the lines of a wizard breaking into Gringotts and surviving to tell the tale, no less.
Oh, the irony! I'm assuming that's what you were going for there. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE UPDATE!!! I'm begging you here!Author's Response: Hahaha! Yesss I was going for irony! As a writer, I also like alluding to stuff we know happens in the present--I find that it helps ground my story a bit. Though PEffect and Blinded are very much AU stories, I like to keep to JKR's story line as best I can, when I can.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing! The next chapter is very much in the works and I hope to have it to you guys soon!
Yours truly, ffleur
I'm back again! Sorry, I had limited computer access. I love this! I really like her instictive protectiveness of him, when she barely knows him. I also like the way that her carefully planned life is coming unravelled, right here at the very beginning. KARMA!Author's Response: Hi We Are Padfoot and Prongs! So nice to hear from you again! Thank you for taking the time to read my story even when you have limited computer access! It means a lot!! :)
I'm glad you like my characterization of Narcissa. Yes, she is 'instinctively' protective of him--that is actually a perfect way to describe it and I'm so excited that you caught onto that. Though Narcissa does not know it yet, she is connected to James in a way the two of them would never be able to anticipate.
I'm also glad you are catching onto the 'unravelling' bit. Though she leads what seems like a perfect life, James is going to affect her life in more ways than one that will hopefully not only unravel her life at the seams but, in fact, encourage her to see things in a new light, to do a bit of the unraveling herself. But I'll stop there.. don't want to give too much away!!
Thanks again for sticking with my stories! I appreciate it!
Wow! I absolutely love the concept of this story! James and Narcissa.. Would never of expected that! Bravo! Anyhoo... I just cannot wait for the next chapter love. xxAuthor's Response: MissOMGx! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.. I really appreciate it!
I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the story thus far! It is a bit of an unexpected pairing but it is actually really fun to consider. I hope you like what is to come!
More is on its way soon!
-Ffleur Report Review
Okay, so I do have a /very/ slight problem with James's character in this chapter. When Cissy finds out about the cloak, it seems as if James has two, slightly contradicting personality traits. He's very nervous and desperate at first, and then does a complete 180 and is confident and suave. I have no problem with him being nervous and then finding his footing, but the polar opposites was a bit disorienting. Maybe just say something like "he stumbled for a moment," then have Cissy say her line, then have him come up with the threat. Because most people, I think, would either not be able to come up with something, or hide it while they thought ;)
Cissy's character is still developing well...It's too early in the story for me to comment on Mary Sueism when it comes to her, though I will say that I'm not seeing too much in the way of flaws yet. I typically don't worry about that until the sixth or seventh chapter though, so it's not a huge deal yet.
Your plot intruiges me. Seeing as this isn't completely AU and Cissy has Lucius and James fawns over Lily, I'm fascinated to see how they're going to end up together. Right now, they're obviously treating each other like I would have expected them to interact. Somehow, they have to fall for each other, and I can't help but wonder how that's going to happen. As long as this doesn't become like a traditional Scorpius/Rose (yet reversed...), I think you should be fine :) And because this is a Marauder story and I typically give this warning to all Marauder stories, please make sure that you don't forget that there's a war going on. There are so many stories that never make mention of the war. Not that I think you'll do that, but just showing that there are some effects of the war on the students really bumps the story up in my opinion.
I love the style of this. When it's Cissy's perspective, it sounds so proper. And in James's, you transitions smoothly to a more causual voice. It helps to distinguish their parts, and also shows me a bit about their characters, which is genius.
You're really doing an excellent job with this! Keep up the good work! :D
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Naida!!
Thank you for pointing out the inconsistency in James' character. A couple of reviewers have pointed it out and I am trying to work on it but your pointing out this particular section is extremely helpful and I will definitely take a very careful look at the section. I do think I am treading a fine line between desperation and confidence. James, in my mind, is naturally very confident but I did want to communicate that the cloak is a bit of a weak spot of his (a second being Lily haha!). I think your suggestion is great and I will definitely integrate it into the story, asap!
Yes, Narcissa is far from perfect and I will work on communicating that more in the upcoming chapters. I definitely don't want her to be a Mary Sue--because in my mind she is FAR from perfect haha. Though it may be too early to comment, thanks for keeping me on my toes nonetheless!
As to the warning about the war and changing political/social climate--I'm very glad you mentioned this, because it is something that I am EXTREMELY interested in as a writer. There is going to be a huge side plot (hopefully!) that comes into play especially when I begin to introduce some of the minor side characters (ie Regulus/Snape/Carrows/Bella). It definitely plays out with Lucius and is hopefully something I began to allude to in the discussion of Sirius/Narcissa's family. But it will become more prominent, I promise.
As much as my story is a romance, I have some other goals as well ;)
Anyways, enough of my rambling--I just wanted to thank you again for the thorough review and pointed suggestions. My story is going to benefit so much from them. I really appreciate it.
-Ffleur Report Review
I can't believe you're so worried about your character development! It's going great! Cissy is definitely exactly like I'd expect her to be at that age. Even the way you're writing this shows that she's grown up in a high class family, with all the big words and formal tones. Her opinion about marrying Lucius was spot on. It's definitely plausible that she'd feel that way about marrying him, and I love the idea of the Promise Ring. I hope that'll come back into play sometime later in the story. What I'm more interested to see is how James will fall in love with her, actually.
I promise to comment more on your plot, etc. in the next review! I often combine my thoughts on those sort of things to give you a fuller idea. You're doing great!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Hi Naida!
I am so glad that you think I'm developing Cissy's character well. Like I've mentioned before, this is my first Marauders story and I am very nervous about getting the characters right. Especially Narcissa to whom I've grown extremely attached.
And I'm so excited that you liked the Promise Ring! I didn't think they were quite at the marrying stage in their relationship but I do think Lucius is the type of person that values commitment and extravagant gestures. So I thought the promise ring would be a good fit. This part was actually a recent addition to the story--it came about after some constructive criticism from a fellow reviewer. So I'm glad you thought it flowed well with the rest of the chapter.
I do have a couple of ideas for the ring, so you are absolutely right in thinking it will come into play again. :)
Thanks again for taking the time to read and review! I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hi! Naida from the forums with your review! I'm going to start by giving the disclaimer that I don't typically read James with anyone except Lily. But I've found some amazing stories by going outside by comfort zone, so I definitely want to give yours a shot. I'm going to try and be as objective as possible, but let me know if I let my personal preferences get in the way :)
I really liked Cissy's character in this. (forgive me for calling her Cissy, Narcissa is just too long to type :P) There's a lot you can do with her as a child, but I do hope she'll retain some of her adult characteristics. I felt like you wrote her really well in the prologue, however, and I espcially loved the ending. It was a nice tie in to take us back to the Marauder days, and I could definitely see James saying that. (I'm assuming that he's the one that told her so). It's a story I would continue with having read the prologue, and the writing style and decription was great!
Just one SUPER little thing that bothered me. "yet, looking to her rear, she found herself to be quite far from her starting point" When you said looking to her rear, I immediately thougt of rear end, or any other term you'd use for that, which led me to be extremely confused for a few seconds :P Just my twisted mind though...Changing it to "behind her" might be better word choice, but don't worry too much about that ;)
A really excellent prologue! (I think I sound like a broken record now xD)
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Hi Naida! First off, thank you for taking the time to read and review my story even though it is out of your comfort zone. I hope that I can persuade you to come over to the dark side ;) if you count James/Narcissa as the dark side haha. I definitely promise a non-cliche story (lets hope!) and I really hope you enjoy it.
I'm so glad you like Cissy's characterization. I don't plan on doing too much with her as a child (as you'll see in the next chapter!) but I don't want to take her HBP/Deathly Hallows character at face value either--I hope to provide a history of her transformation that plays off several reasons as to why she is the way she is in the final books (haha I'm a bit ambitious as you can see, but I'll try my best!). I have to say that I have grown really fond of her, and getting her just right has become really important to me as a writer. So thank you for commenting on this again!
And yes, I'm so glad you liked the ending. I re-wrote it probably five times, so I'm especially glad you enjoyed it actually. And yes, you are absolutely right in assuming it is James who told her so. It wasn't meant to be too mysterious of a line/implication, but I do hope that part was nevertheless enticing.
Thank you for pointing out the 'rear' thing. It is not something I would have necessarily caught on my own--but you are absolutely right in that it could be misconstrued. I'll look into changing it right away.
Thanks again for your read and thorough review! I hope you enjoy what is to come! Report Review
Beautiful chapter as always!! I absolutely love, love, love, love, love your wide range of vocabulary!! I honestly don't think I've read a story this well written in what seems like forever. I actually had to go look up a word in the dictionary; and I applaud you for that. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your word usage is overly complicated. It adds so much character to your story, and it really fits in with Narcissa.
I will add again though, that I think the character development needs to be more of a gradual thing and less chunks of background story. I really liked the whole explanation of the Marauder's annual first prank, but where it was placed in the story completely interrupted the flow and made things a bit confusing. I definitely suggest placing that somewhere else in the chapter. It was a good interlude, just in the wrong spot.
But I definitely love everything else and your writing. You've done a magnificent job with it thus far, and think you're going to do great things with this story. You've made Narcissa such a dynamic character. I was a bit nervous at first about how you were going to bring her and James together, but I don't see you writing anything cliche anytime soon. Your plot is awesome and I really hope you re-request when you get the next chapter written! Amazing job!! Keep up the stellar work!
-AtomicAuthor's Response: First off, thanks for reviewing all three chapters! I really appreciate it and I know how busy you are so--it really means a lot!
I'm so glad you like my vocab. I'm super picky about these things--choosing the right word and I will literally sit at the computer screen for hours until I find it. Grad school has definitely expanded my vocab some and I'm glad to hear that you don't find it alienating at all. And I even more excited to hear that you think it fits all the better with Narcissa. I always thought she would be one for big/fancy words!
And, again I think you are right in that the James background section could be woven into the story in a much more natural way. I'll have to take a closer look at that as see how I can work it in.
Most of all--I'm so glad that you think Narcissa is a dynamic character. This is my first Marauders story and I am extremely worried about getting every one right. I know I will have mishaps here and there but I really wanted to write Narcissa well. I don't know why--I am very attached to her.
Anyways thank again. I will definitely re-request. I hope you're doing well!
-ffleur Report Review
I absolutely love your writing style. This story is just so well written. It's honestly a breath of fresh air to read. I review many stories for a lot of younger writers, and it's definitely nice to find someone who obviously has more experience writing. Your narration is just absolutely beautiful. I feel completely drawn into the story. You really are doing a marvelous job.
I do think you were right about going a tad bit overboard on the character development, though. I think you have the same problem I do when writing; often times I feel like I need to explain a character's thinking to the reader in a lot more detail than necessary. At first, I really like Narcissa's views on Lucius, especially since you took such an original stance on it. I like how you made it a combination of actually fancy, but still very practical. I felt like you over-explained it a bit though. I might suggest going through and editing out parts that seem a bit superflous.
But otherwise the story is coming along beautifully! I think the pacing is great and I absolutely love how unique and well written this is. Narcissa seems like an extremely dynamic character, too, and I can't wait to see what you've done with her. Great job! 10/10Author's Response: Hey there Atomic!
Thank you so much for the compliment. I have to say that my writing has changed tremendously over the past couple of years and hopefully for the better--college and grad school does that naturally to a person I think! But I wasn't sure if it was as engaging as when I first started out (which was much more to the point!) so I'm glad you enjoyed it and felt like it drew you in! *sigh of relief **
I think you are absolutely right in that there is some superfluous information in this chapter--I seem to be repeating myself, particularly near the end of Narcissa's background section. Thanks for pointing it out--I will definitely try to smooth it out/pare it down.
Thanks again for really taking a look at my story and all your helpful advice! This will be a better story for it! :) Report Review
Hi there, it's Atomic from the forums with your requested review! (Finally!)
I really don't know why you're so worried about this story, it's absolutely wonderful so far! It's a bit too early for me to comment on the character development, but so far I think you've done a wonderful job with Narcissa and Bellatrix. They both seem very in character and pleasantly dynamic. I especially liked the banter between Narcissa and Bellatrix, it was very lovely.
As for flow, everything looks so good so far. I'm a bit worried because it seems like the next chapter is going to be a flashback, but I'm sure you'll do a great job with it.
I really don't have much to critique. Your descriptions were great, all the imagery was very vivid. Your dialogue was realistic and grammar seemed just fine. So far you've got a 10/10! Can't wait to read the next chapter!Author's Response: Atomic!! Thank you so much for taking time away from your busy schedule to read and review! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it :)
I'm really glad you enjoyed the prologue. I have to say that this was a last minute addition. I originally started with Secrets and Stones but found that this was ultimately necessary, if not to set the tone for the entire piece then to keep me on track as an author.
For me this story is really about unpacking an entire history that I set up in Blinded the pre-quel but a history that I hope people are interested in regardless of whether or not they have read my first story.
I also found it extremely fun to spin one of JKR's chapters.
You are right in that the next chapters are going to be a flashback. But I hope you aren't too worried. I promise that I'll do it in such a way that is NOT cliche. At least I hope its not. ;)
Thank you again for reading and reviewing. Report Review
I really liked this insight into Narcissa. It's really interesting to get to see this point of view of her and how her reaction came to the news about Draco. I also really liked Lucius and how he went about telling her. My favourite line had to be: '"It is the only way to prove my—" he had fumbled for the right words, careful in his revision, "I mean—our loyalty."' It was definitely something that made me think that he was in a bit of a tailspin because Lucius has never struck me as somebody who would mess up with words like "my" and "our" so it was nice to see.
I loved Bellatrix's reaction to her sister's words. I haven't ever really thought of Bellatrix as any kind of speechless but if there was one thing that I would think would do it it would be that kind of announcement from her sister at dawn on a lonely road. Absolutely loved it :D
Great job. ^^Author's Response: Hey there, MileyMalfoy! Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to read and review. I really appreciate your feedback.
I'm glad you found Narcissa's POV interesting. It is something new for me as a writer, but something I have really grown interested in--it provides a new avenue into the realm of HP, one that is not often explored or considered (at least by me!).
I'm so glad you liked that line--you are right, in that Lucius is not one to fumble with his words, but on this particular subject when he is insecure in himself already, I think he would. He is juggling so many things that are painful not only for himself but also for his family--I imagine him as having to do everything in his power to justify to himself that what he is doing is right. Otherwise, I see him just unraveling at the seams.
And I'm so glad you liked Bellatrix's reaction. I find she is hard to write well--something I'm still working on--but she is one of my favorites to really inhabit as an author. She is just so evil, but complex at the same time.
Thanks again for your read and review. Hope you read more! Would love to know what you think. Report Review
Hi again! It's Me. I finally got an account! Yay! So anyway, I love this story and I really like that pairing for some reason. It's like you said, It gives me a chance to think about a character I never really spent much time on before. It always surprises me how much I like sidestream characters becoming the main character, because they usually have a fresher POV and a story that hasn't already been told.Author's Response: Me! You have returned.. but not as Me.. instead as 'We Are Padfoot and Prongs'--I like the name change if I don't say so myself.
Thank you so much for coming back to this story. It really means a lot and I'm so glad you are enjoying the pairing. As I mentioned, I inadvertently stumbled upon the possibility while writing Blinded (as I was looking for something different and interesting to spice up the plot) but never gave much thought, until now, as to how it might actually play out.
I have learned so much about Narcissa--and I must say, I like her more and more. I think that is what I just absolutely love about the Harry Potter series in general--you have the story, the characters, the unique spin on the magical realm, but then you have so much more if you take the time to really go into things. It constantly surprises me--and I love to think that though the story is over, I still have so much to learn from it.
Thanks again for your read and review. I'll spare you from any more of my ramblings. More is to come, hope you enjoy it! Report Review
Hello there! I am here with your review as requested. I'm so sorry for the incredibly long wait. Things have been hectic with school and what not, but I finally made time for this. And I'm so glad I did.
This was a brilliant start to a story. You seem to have something really unique and original forming here. I can't wait to learn more as it further develops.
I love AU fics. I really do. It's one of the eras that I write most as wel, and as much of a die hard shipper for James/Lily that I am, I think I actually like your set up here of a James/Narcissa. I think that is so unique and so creative.
I loved how you opened the story. It was somewhat foreboding with the entire atmosphere of everything, and it really pulled me right into the story. It made me want to know just what was going on in this wonderful story. Your flow of it was perfectly. Each sentence meshed perfectly into the next and just went perfectly, the tone going wonderfully.
It flowed perfectly into the rest of the prologue. It made a perfect atmosphere for what was to come, and you kept the tone and vibe of the story just the same throughout. It was mysterious and ominous, and you really pulled me into the story. I wanted to know everything that I could.
I think you are off to a great start with your characterization. Narcissa was never much of a character that was touched on in the series. We only know that she had a genuinely softer heart than her sister and husband, and I think you have showcased that well in this story. I think you're really set her up as the story of girl that could fall in love with James. And I think that's the number one key to your story right now. We know this is a James/Narcissa, therefore it's important that the two of them have a connection we can relate to and one we can easily picture them together with. And I think you have done that perfectly here.
Really great job. You capture the emotions of the story perfectly. I loved it when you stressed that she needed air. With that breaking emphasis, there was just so much shown and it really broadcasted the feel of it perfectly. There were multiple other times when I was pulled right into the story and I felt like I was sitting in the passenger seat. I think that's brilliant and is another factor that is important for a story.
You seem to have a great fic coming along here, and I can't wait to read more of it. There isn't really much bad I can say.
There were only a few mistakes a passed, and these were things like misplaced commas or apostrophes, etc. Nothing major to worry about at all. So brilliant job!
Because my queue is fairly large right now, I will only read the first chapter. But once I empty it out, I will return for the next chapter, etc. However, if you haven't heard from me in a few days, feel free to come request again!
Thank you for introducing me to this story. I have a feeling that I will love it. :) Brilliant job! Thanks!
DrueAuthor's Response: Dearest Phoenix_Flames!
Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story even in spite of school and your very long queue. I really appreciate it!
I'm so glad to hear that you enjoyed this first chapter and I will be sure to go over it one more time to catch those few errors you mentioned.
I have to say the air part was one of my favorite parts to write as well--so I'm glad you enjoyed it. From what I know of her, I just imagine Narcissa to be this woman suffocated, in many senses of the term.
And I really hope you enjoy what is to come if you find the time to return to this story. Your review was extremely encouraging and I would love to see what you think about the next two chapters which begin to set up the flashback, the main conflict between James and Narcissa and are, accordingly, set in the Marauders era. (I'll be sure to re-request if I don't hear from you! :D )
Anyways, thanks again for reviewing and offering to review! You make us all better authors!
-Ffleur Report Review
This was an interesting piece. You threw good light on Narcissa and Lucius' relationship. I really liked how you've written Narcissa seeing that she is one of my fav characters. I really liked this - the plot was amazing and the scene setting was good. The emotions came across quite nicely.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: AditiDraco95! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my story! It was an unexpected but very welcome surprise :)
I'm so glad you like the way I've written Narcissa. Coming from you its high praise (loved Change as you know!) as it's also something I'm still exploring as a writer.
Hope you continue to enjoy the story should you stick with it!
All the best, ffleur Report Review
Really, my comments are the same as for last chapter.
Again, you need to work on your perspectives. Both Narcissa and James seem to be reading the other's mind at times, or you just switch in the middle of a section. That's very confusing to me as a reader.
I didn't always believe their interactions. I didn't see why Narcissa challenging James "You'll what?" was her pushing it too far. I would have liked to see something like, "You'll what? You say a word, and I'll Imperio you." Something that truly was extreme. You say that she pushes too far and doesn't maintain hold over a conversation for that reason, but I hadn't gotten that sense from the chapter before at all. She didn't seem excessively pushy--just the opposite.
Other than that, though, another great chapter. :)Author's Response: Great! Thank you for taking the time to come back to this third chapter. I wasn't expecting it but really appreciate it!
I was aiming for third person, but it seems based on your comments particularly of the last chapter as well as this one, that I may be mixing them up. Will work towards clarifying that some.
Thank you again for your review. It is extremely helpful!
All the best,
Ffleur Report Review
This chapter is also good. I don't think it's quite as good as your first chapter-there are a few more mistakes, and I'm beginning to see what you meant when you mentioned character development in your review request, but it was still very enjoyable.
- There were some word choice issues and typos. (For example, "inborn" rather than "innate" skill when talking about Dumbledore, "in tact" rather than "intact," and your use of the word "scathed" doesn't work for me.)
- You did a bit too much perspective switching. It seems like it's meant to from Narcissa's point of view, but you had both descriptions attached to both James and Lucius that Narcissa shouldn't have been describing--James being amused but more curious than anything, for example. Especially given that she can't see him, there's no way she could have known that.
- There were a few times that you used "but" where it didn't make sense. For example, when Lucius gave her the ring, you said that she had been surprised but at the same time pleased. There's no juxtaposition there. "And" would have worked just as well.
- I think you need to be really, really careful with Narcissa. At this point, you're running the risk of making her so docile and biddable that she verges on unlikeable, and not in a "love to hate her" way. I wanted to either have her thinking her own thoughts or at least acknowledging that she was just doing what other people told her she should, you know? Instead she just came off a bit flat.
- Show don't tell. You told us too much that you should have shown. I'm not talking about the background information as much as the rest of it. She was pleased that Lucius gave her the ring, and she says he gives her butterflies, and she says she spends a lot of time with him and not spending time with him reminds her of her inadequacies, but we don't see her feeling those things. I didn't get the sense that there was any passion between her and Lucius. Maybe that was intentional, but if so, I'd have liked to have seen her acknowledge it more.
The only other issue I had was that I didn't feel like James not seeing or hearing her made sense. It would have worked better for me if she'd been stunned into silence.
Overall, though, this was another good chapter. :)Author's Response: Ah! For some reason my response got deleted so I will try to recreate it best I can.
I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and thoroughness. I never expected this story to be a slam dunk as its my first foray into the era of the Marauders and this was precisely the kind of criticism I was hoping for.
I will do my best to incorporate your suggestions as I move forward (and back). Its seems I have a bit of reconceptualization to do particularly with this chapter.
Thank you again for taking the time to read and review. I hope you continue to do more of it! We will all be better authors for it!
-Ffleur Report Review
Wow! I really loved your chapter! You have an amazingly engaging writing style, and I was sucked into the plot immediately. Please update soon! This story is definitely getting a tab in my bookmarked sites. Once again, brilliant chapter, and keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you so much Rae Felton! I really appreciate your read and review! I'm so glad you are enjoying the chapter and I promise more soon!
xoxoxo, Ffleur Report Review
This was a great read. My only complaint about your writing style is that you used ' rather than ", which I tend to find distracting, and there were a few instances where I thought your word choice was a bit off. (Given that I'm really a stickler about style and mechanics, that is high praise indeed ;) ).
The way you depict Narcissa's reaction is terrific, and I think it's completely in keeping with what we know about her as a character. My only complaint - and I say this only because all stories can be improved, even a story as good as this is so far - is that when she is approached by Bellatrix, she thinks about her acting ability and bluffs her way through. Given how frantic you depicted her as before, I wasn't really convinced that she'd have been in the state of mind to think about acting. Does that make sense? I'd have thought that sheer desperation and anger would have made her mean every word of it, not think to herself, "I'm a good actress."
Overall, though, it's great, and I really enjoyed reading it. :)Author's Response: Thanks Beezie for the extremely helpful review! I will look into fixing those 'rather thans' and try to keep my word choice in check. I've always had a problem with it actually haha I can go a bit overboard sometimes. But thanks for pointing it out again.
Also--you are completely right. I'm so glad you pointed out the 'actress' part. It probably is not a natural reaction given the circumstances and I will work to fix it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review! Thanks so much. Report Review
So many things to say, i'll think i'll start with the cloak! James described it as ''emental in it's magic'' From all the trouble elements in this tale as caused, i fear for them already!
After reading the Blinded chapter first, i keep thinking how Draco or Hermione would react to Narcissa and James, it's quite distrCting but humorus too. And i also see aLl the similarities in James and Draco's; Lucius's and Ron's, Pansy; and Cissy's and Hermione's personalities. What a Mouthful!
I love this chapter! Even though i just realized James is friends with Peter! I hate that rat!!!
Looking forward to more
Gin-ginAuthor's Response: Gin-gin!
First off, thank you for your read and lovely review! I always look forward to reading what you have to say.
I'm so glad you caught onto the description of the cloak. I hoped it wasn't too subtle as the elements and the cloak, for that matter, are going to play an important role in setting the impending conflict between the two!
And yes, the two stories are extremely interwoven. Though I'm going to start putting less and less of Narcissa's past in Blinded and focus much more on Draco and Hermione's relationship/Narcissa's present.
I'm glad you are seeing parallels between the characters as they are definitely meant to be there. But I hope they are not too distracting or at least distracting in a good way.
Ahh-- yeah Peter is definitely a rat--though James is just too loyal, too trusting of a friend to ever realize it himself. Not to worry, there will be tension there in the upcoming chapters, hopefully enough to your liking. Sirius is the perceptive one when it comes to Peter.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing! More to come soon.
Ffleur Report Review
The set up of this story has me so intrigued. I can't wait to see how the James/Narcissa pairing will work out! Keep posting!Author's Response: Thanks for readings and reviewing Freud! I know that a James/Narcissa pairing is kind of out there but I'm glad I have you interested. Though Draco/Hermione will always have a special place in my heart I'm intrigued more and more by the unconventional ships.
Ffleur Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection