Hey there! Finally here with your review :) I apologize for the wait; my schoolwork has eaten and continues to eat me alive!
I really like your pair of OCs. The contrast in their personalities during their initial meeting in the kitchen was really cute. I think you did a wonderful job of filling out both characters and using them to illustrate the issues that surely echoed across many, many friendships in the halls of Hogwarts during the war. In my opinion, the war is often moved off to the side in fanfiction, as many authors prefer to focus on romance and humor. That's a bit of a tragedy, since the war was such a big part of canon and provides an opportunity for really beautiful examinations like this one. I'll be honest with you, though; the continuous alerts from the sneakoscope had me thinking that Adrian was going to turn out to secretly be a Death Eater (well, thinking strongly about becoming one while still a student). I figured the guilt was over Eric having to kill his friend while on duty as an Auror. However, your ending really surprised me, and I liked it.
I think you did a fine job with the action sequences. They're not really my forte either, but I think you drew out the fighting appropriately and realistically and did a good job conveying transitions from one place to another.
As for the challenge, I definitely saw a sense of destruction in this piece, from the brief crumbling of Adrian and Eric's friendship to the shattering of the illusion of childhood/importance of schoolwork and beyond to the literal destruction of Hogsmeade. The sneakoscope was actually one of my favorite things about the piece; I think you really used it creatively to symbolize the growing atmosphere of fear that permeated the wizarding world during this time. I love how Eric's opinion changed, how it grew from being a useless, silly object to something he really treasures personally because it reminds him of his deceased friend. Very well done there.
Okay, I believe that addresses all of your specific points. Generally speaking, I didn't see any big technical errors here, and the thing definitely flowed well. I found myself devouring word after word, very curious to see what was coming next. The imagery you included was also really effective, I think.
Great work! Thanks again for another request, and as always, I hope you find my feedback helpful. Good luck with the challenge! :)
academicaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! There's no problem about the delay- I understand completely.
I'm so glad you liked my OCs. I wasn't too confident about them- I tend to find it easier to write about canon characters. I tried very hard not to make them "Gary-Stu-ish" and to create their own individual personalities. I'm glad that shone through.
Once I got the theme "destruction", war was an obvious choice. The sneakoscope definitely could lead you in that direction; I just thought it would undermine their friendship and that the war would provide enough distrust to make it realistic. I'm glad you still liked the story.
I'm happy the action sequences worked out alright. And yay!- you got both of the senses of destruction that I tried to put in. I'm glad that the sneakoscope turned out well. I tried to fit it in as much as possible without it seeming awkward or unsuitable.
Yes, that did address all of my points. I'm so glad you liked the story! Your review was definitely helpful- it reassured me on several points. Thanks once again for reviewing! Report Review
This was a really bittersweet fic to read, and I really enjoyed it. You began very strongly by describing the attic and the character at that moment in time. It helped to draw me in as a reader, making me want to read on. I also liked how they didnít meet and like one another immediately, because letís be honest, people rarely keep the friendships they make in their first year of ďsecondaryĒ school in reality, do they? It was a very cute meeting however. You develop the characters personalities and also their chemistry almost immediately. The pushy Eric and the slightly more reluctant Aidrian, which was very cute to read. I think you have a talent for description, as I could almost imagine being at Hogsmeade as the fire, and the torturing of the woman, and Ericís attack on the woman. (Out of interest, was that Bellatrix?) I could just see Hogsmeade in flames and the panicked people. Well done on that. Another thing that I really liked were the unspoken things in the story, for example, the ďItís not really youĒ itís your blood status line. I thought it was c lever to add that in because it was something that both were aware of but neither wanted to say. I must admit I was surprised and touched what Adrian did for his friend at the end of it all, and I think it said a lot about the depth of their friendship. I was glad that they made up when they did also. The ending was nice and it brought the story back into context and rounded it off nicely. If I could say one thing to criticise about it, it is that I found it difficult keeping up with which character you were talking about at some points, but it wasnít really a factor that really distracted me at all. I think that you created two very good characters, who seem realistic, and would fit into JKRís world, in my opinion. So yeah, in conclusion, there isnít much I think you need to improve on this fic, other than the general flow thing that I mentioned.
Leanne :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!
I'm so glad you liked the beginning. It was the part of the story that really got me started (some might say "duh!") and gave me the idea. The kitchen scene was another thing that I just thought of spur of the moment- I definitely agree that people rarely meet all their friends on the first day.
I'm glad I developped (or at least showed) their personalities well. I was really worried about that, since I rarely create a completely new character.
I'm so glad you feel that way about my description. Sometimes it will just flow and other times it feels a little forced... I'm glad it turned out well in this story. I kept trying to read and reread it to help the flow. And yes, that was Bellatrix. :)
Yeah, there were some issues that I didn't want to express, because they were really sensitive (not to me, but in the characters' lives) and I'm so glad you think it was well done. As well, I'm glad (I'm saying this a lot, aren't I?) that Adrian's sacrifice worked out well. It was the possibility that worked the best for me when I was thinking about why Eric would feel so guilty, and, as you said, showed the depth of their friendship.
I will go back and try to clear up the characters- when you're writing in third person about two male characters, it can get a little confusing about which "him" I'm talking about.
Thanks once again for reviewing! Report Review
Amazing sensory and great writing! I loved it to say the least.Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad you loved it! Report Review
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