Hey Cal! I'm here with your review, and I have a feeling this one's going to be extra-long...fun, right? I enjoyed reading this chapter, and getting a look into that night we've heard so much about :)
You mentioned being concerned about the flow, but honestly I think this chapter was fine in that area. The scene breaks didn't feel too abrupt, and it read very smoothly despite all the changes in focus. Fine job there :)
Now, on to characterization! My favorite part! I have thoughts on just about everyone, so I'll just go down the list.
Harry and Ginny: so precious. I was so mad at them for the first half of this story because their communication was so bad, but it’s great to see them putting those issues behind them. I loved the romantic gestures from Harry; they weren’t too cheesy or over the top, but they were still so sweet. It made me smile :) And I’ll be interested to see what he comes up with about the time-turner magic. They made a strong opening scene.
Sirius: I know you’re concerned about Sirius discovering Harry’s identity, and whether or not it's realistic. Honestly, I think it's pretty believable so far. He doesn’t jump to the conclusion all at once, which is good. Instead, he questions himself and acknowledges how crazy it all seems, which makes the whole situation feel more real.
I loved his scene with Snape (their back-and-forth was so spot on), but the one at the end with James felt just a bit off to me. I was suprised to see Sirius humble himself so quickly; he doesn't seem like the type to easily admit he's wrong.
Lily: I liked her thoughts about Snape, and the scene where they talked. She's still bitter about the whole situation between them, which I think is probably appropriate. But I was hoping to see more concern from her. Even while she's contemplating what could happen to Snape at the shack, she just seems kind of indifferent about it, which doesn't seem like the Lily Evans I've come to know in this story.
I LOVED her scene with James after he gets back from the shack, though! It was a great step forward in their relationship. Like Harry at the beginning, I like that you kept her gestures simple and understated. No sudden declarations of love or anything; she just makes a peace offering by fixing his cut. I loved it. And the hand-holding made me smile too :)
James: I like his narration a lot in this chapter. His voice is really distinctive, mainly because of his constant little insults toward Snape. (Stinky Pants and such, it made me giggle.) Actually, I thought you really hit the mark with him throughout this whole chapter. The shack scene was great (I especially liked your description of him changing into the stag), and I liked seeing him step up to the plate and do the right thing. The scene with Dumbledore makes it clear that his feelings about Snape haven't changed, though, which I think is important to show. You did an awesome job with him!
And the last scene! I loved James’ moment of clarity there. “I think it’s about time we start growing up.” Just an awesome moment for him; I felt like I was catching a glimpse of the mature person Lily will eventually fall in love with.
This is wierd. You're making me LIKE James Potter! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?
But I mean, I guess i'll get over it :)
I didn't see anything glaring dialogue-wise, and there were a lot of lines that I actually loved. My favorite came from James: "As much as I would love to give you that kind of help, I'm a bit distracted right now." Too funny ! There were a few little errors here and there (things like spacing between words and little punctuation issues), but I think you could easily fix them with another read-through :)
Phew! Finally done! I really liked this one, and I can't wait to see where you go next! PM me if you want, as always, and be sure to let me know when you update!
--MagsAuthor's Response: I LOVE YOU MAGGIE!! Seriously, YOU'RE THE BEST AND I LOVE YOU A LOT! :D
This review couldn't have come at a better day! I was having a pretty bad day so coming back to this review, it was the best thing ever! And I'm sorry I took long to respond; I've already read this review about ten times; I love it that much!
Phew *wipes brow* I really was nervous about the flow of this chapter. I'd changed focus before but this one had a lot of changes in PoV so I was kinda worried whether it would work or not, I'm happy that you thought it did!
I agree with you about Harry and Ginny not being too cheesy. I always see them like that, sweet and romantic but not overly so. So I'm glad that you think the same too. I had fun writing that scene, it made me smile too when I read it again. :)
Sirius! Ah, sometimes, he's very easy to write and then sometimes he's hard to write. Hahah, I had SO much fun writing his conversationg with Snape! I knew that it was something that could have happened in real. And I agree about his characterisation being slightly faulty at the end scene with James. I knew there was something off about it so thanks for pointing it out!
Lily: More concern from her, okay, noted. :) I didn't really realise that I'd overlooked her concern for Snape. I was too excited to shift to James' PoV so I kinda really didn't pay attention to Lily's. Hehe. I'll be more careful with that in the future.
AHH THAT SCENE! I LOVED WRITING THAT! And I'm SO happy that you loved it too. Hahaha, it was SO MUCH FUN.
You make me tear up. I seriously feel tears in my eyes right now. YOU LIKE JAMES NOW. YES! It took me a lot of time to get his point of view right and to get in his head. It's weird; it really isn't a problem but with James in this chapter, I felt like I HAD to get it perfect. I'm SO GLAD that I achieved something close to that. I loved writing him too much here. I love that you loved it too :D
Hahahaha! I'm not sorry at all! :P I'm very excited to see your feelings change for James. That's what I wanted! Can't believe it working! :P
LOL, that dialogue. This is stupid but I laughed at it for a full five minutes when it came to my mind. It was VERY funny in my head :P
THANK YOU SO MUCH MAGGIE! YOU'RE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON EVER AND I CAN'T EVER THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR ALL YOUR HELP!
I LOVE YOU!
-Cal Report Review
Wow, you are off to a really great start! Nothing about this first chapter seems familiar, like I've it before. It's all extremely interesting and well written, the tension radiating from Harry was easily felt.
I love the concept of The Muggle, and even more I love how thorough you're being with exactly how this happened. Not just letting some muggle get powers and go all evil villain, but you're talking about how he got there and how it happened. It makes this first chapter have a lot of solidified substance and shows your skills as a writer.
Characters were wonderful, I think Harry would be a challenge to write and Ginny dang near impossible, so you've really impressed me with your portrayal of them so far.
Wonderful chapter! Sorry this isn't more detailed, I'm reviewing from my iPhone :).
JamiAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you so much for reading this story, Jami! I was very pleasantly surprised to see this review and it really made my day! Thank you so much!
I'm really glad that you like the idea of the Muggle :) It was something that came to me in one instant and I knew the entire story behind him. There's more about him in further chapters and I hope that you read on to find out :)
Don't worry about it not being detailed; you've reviewed almost everything I've written so I'm already very grateful to you for coming here and reviewing this too! Thank you SO much! :)
-Cal Report Review
Cal, hi! I'm finally here! You must be so frustrated with me for not getting to this sooner, and I'm so sorry. There's always something that slows me down...if it's not school, it's work :/ But I did really enjoy this chapter as usual :)
I think the two scenes you showed me work really well here. I especially liked the part where Harry calls Sirius "Snuffles"--it's the perfect way to raise his suspicions, and I think you did a great job there. Also, I like the way you write Ginny in this scene; she's hotheaded and snarky, and it just seemed like the perfect reaction for her in this situation :)
The thing I like best about the second scene is the way you write James. I love the fact that he doesn't automatically change his personality when things start to go well with Lily. Even though he's trying to be on his best behavior for her, he's still kind of a jerk, and it's going to take time for him to grow out of that. I think you did a really good job of reflecting that in his character, especially at the beginning when he mocks her. Plus, I just thought it was a really cute scene :)
I only have one critique to make on this, and it's about dialogue. I think I've probably commented on this a few times during this story, and overall I think you've really improved at it. But in this chapter it struck me--sometimes when the teenagers speak (especially Sirius and James), they sound more like adults. Here are the lines that jumped out at me:
"But seriously; you talk as if I'm a familiar person to you."
"I've meant every word I've ever said to you regarding my feelings."
To me, these just sound a little formal to be coming out of the mouths of teenage boys. But that may not even be something you want to correct...I just thought I'd throw my opinion out there :)
The phone call was just what I would have expected from Xenon--super intense and ominous. And I like the nickname, by the way. Making fun of his parentage seems like it would be really hurtful for Xenon's little brother. Way to bring in some suspense at the very end...I'm dying to know who the little brother is, and I'm already racking my brain trying to guess!
Great addition to the story! I know your readers will be thrilled with this update, and I really enjoyed reading it. Hopefully you get a chance to update soon, and feel free to PM me as always if you need anything :)
--MagsAuthor's Response: Mags! Hi! Thanks for coming back again! :) I'm so sorry I've taken this long to respond to your review! I've just been going through a lot at the moment so have really little time on here. And don't you worry about being late =) It's fine!
I'm so glad that you liked this chapter! It took me too long to write and gave me a LOT of second thoughts. So I'm happy that it sort of worked out in the end! :)
Hahaha, thanks for the compliments on those two scenes! I loved writing them :) Thanks for all your help too by the way! :D
And yes. I do know that I have a problem with dialogue, but you know, in the situations you mentioned, I was like, maybe it's possible that when a person is serious and means what they're saying they can be a bit formal. I know I do that sometimes. But that's just me maybe. I don't know. I suppose you could say that I don't know how better to write those dialogues. =/ I'm constantly working on improving them though! And I'm glad you help me always! :)
Haha, the phone call. Surprisingly, it came out exactly as I had imagined it to be like. I was very happy with it. I'm happy that you liked it too. And yes! The nickname! We had been thinking about it so much but when I was write the scene it came to me automatically, effortlessly. It just fits too, like you said. :)
Thanks for the review Mags! They're always a delight! Love you for that!
-Cal Report Review
pls keep writing and fast too, the story is amazing and pls bring harry and ginny closer already, i cant stand itAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review! Don't worry, I've already got the next chapter planned and ready to type. :) I just need to get through my exams and then I'll be back to updating! Hehe, I definitely have something awesome in store for Harry and Ginny. Don't worry, they'll be as they should be by the end of the story. I hope you keep reading and reviewing! Thanks once again! :) Report Review
Okay. I read the first two chapters and I was a fan already. You're story has a very interesting plot and amazing descriptions that make your story ever so convincing, dragging the reader into its world. I can't wait to find out what happens next. *Wide grin*
P.S. Loving Sirius Black!Author's Response: Haha, thank you so much for your review! Your review just made my day! :D Aw, thanks, I love writing Sirius too. I hope you keep reading! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! :) Some of my double reviews have been deleted - tell me if you need me to PM them to you.
Some mechanical points:
I think I've mentioned this as a problem before, but there were points where the dialogue came across as rather awkward. I think that the major issue was that you often didn't use contractions - Harry says things like, "I have been tracking his activities all day" and "He has been to the Leaky Cauldron." That just doesn't sound natural, and it's also not really how Harry or Ginny talked in the books.
There were also points where I felt like your sentences turned into run-ons. I was a bad reviewer and didn't jot any down while I was reading, so I don't have any examples, but I think that part of the problem is that you sometimes try to include too many actions in a sentence, and it ends up feeling awkward.
Other than that, though, the mechanics were fine. :)
I think that you're continuing to do a good job with Harry/Ginny and the plot with Xenon.
I really liked the opening scene between Harry and Ginny in the Common Room. I felt like you captured them both very well when they were trying to figure out what to do about the wand - Harry's immediate instinct to ask Dumbledore for help made sense, as did Ginny's more sensible approach. I also liked their brief conversation about Sirius - I thought that the way you captured their differing feelings about him was excellent.
Minor thing, but I loved (loved, loved) the bit about Neville's parents. As soon as Ginny mentioned Neville's mum, I was ready to say, "Neville's parents were respected Aurors, they would be out of Hogwarts by now!" Then Ginny said it for me. It's never really been clear to me whether both of Neville's parents were Aurors or just his father (or whether his mother was, but not for long), so this is a completely reasonable interpretation, and I have to say, I liked the fact that you didn't make Neville's parents in the same year. Couples often aren't in the same year at school, but people seem to forget that sometimes.
I did question how Ginny knew that Alice was Neville's mother, though. Alice is a fairly common name, and I doubt that Ginny would have known Neville's mum's maiden name. I suppose Ginny could have recognised her from a photograph, but I'd have liked to see a mention of it if that was the case.
That scene as a whole was really good. I felt like you captured Dumbledore really well - you got his serious side, but you also captured his humour as well, which I think a lot of people don't.
When they got to Diagon Alley, I did question the idea that many of the shops were boarded up. For most people, this is how they make their living - how do they do that if they're only open for a few months a year? What do they do with the rest of the time? I suppose it wouldn't be strange for a few shops here or there to only be open during a specific season, but for most, I'm not sure why they would be. After all, in the real world, most shops don't just board up because the season has passed. I was also a bit confused by Harry's refusing to allow Ollivander to see their wands, but then admitting only a few moments later that the holly and phoenix feather was his.
Other than that, though, the scene was good. You did an excellent job of capturing Ollivander, especially at the end - I can absolutely believe that that would be his reaction to the idea of allowing someone to remove a wand from his shop because they didn't think he could protect it.
Which, of course, he couldn't, because as Harry points out, he's old and not really experienced for this. I'm interested to see what happened next!
So the overarching plot was good. However, I'm still a bit iffy on your portrayal of the Marauders.
The scene with Sirius when he's processing what he overheard, on the other hand, felt a little out of character to me. Obviously we don't know what Sirius was like when he was younger, not really, but based on everything that's mentioned in the books, I think he had very strong feelings about Voldemort and blood purity and all of that even then. The fact that his reaction after overhearing all of that is entirely focused on Ginny just didn't seem very much like Sirius to me. He was clearly a bit of an idiot when he was younger, but I never saw him as vapid. It could just be a difference in our interpretations of the character, I guess.
Quidditch tryouts were good, but there were times when the way you described it felt a little too much like JKR's description of Quidditch tryouts in Harry's sixth year. I'd have liked to see a little more originality in that respect. I also felt like you overdid James and Lily's fight - their dialogue felt a little staged to me. That's not to say that the sentiment is wrong - I think you actually did a really nice job capturing James really being rather insufferable, and at this point I absolutely sympathise with Lily. I just felt like the execution could have been a bit stronger.
It's not that I think your interpretation of the characters is bad. I just felt like you put it on a bit too strong and didn't really allow much room for depth or development.
I feel like this is a rather disorganised review. :( Sorry! I really hope you found it helpful anyway. :)Author's Response: Hey! Don't worry about the late review, it's perfectly fine! =)
Well, yes, I've been having problems with the dialogues but I've been improving too; I know what you mean by the formality and everything as I've had another reviewer tell me that; so I've been working on it. I just hope that you notice the improvement (if there is any) in the upcoming chapters.
Ah, yes, I did love that scene too. I'm glad you like the progress with everything! And yes, I've always assumed Frank to be older than Alice. I'd actually forgotten it at first and only changes it when a very good friend of mine told me that Frank was older than her. I'm glad that you thought it was the appropriate thing to do. Thanks! Also, I didn't really think about why Ginny knew Alice was THE Alice. I suppose she had seen the picture of the Order or something like that?
Um, I thought that it was possible for many shops to be close because of Voldemort like it happened in HBP. I thought it would make sense; well, I guess it didn't. Thanks for letting me know; I'll change that once I edit this story.
Harry had initially thought that they wouldn't tell Ollivander anything, but then he realised that it would be of no use to try and convince Ollivander otherwise, as it would be hard to prove; there was not other option for him and he could see that so he decided to go with the truth all of a sudden.
Yes, the Marauders! I know exactly what you mean when you say that about Sirius. However, I don't think Sirius heard as much to make assumptions about everything. Of course he would get paranoid once he begins to learn more but I didn't think that moment was this. Right now, he only took it lightly and didn't think about it much as he got distracted pretty soon after that.
The Quidditch are too much like the sixth year tryouts, yes. I hadn't realised that when I wrote it. It was only when the chapter got validated that I noticed the similarities; so don't worry, I'll be changing that during editing also.
Don't worry about it, it was helpful. I'm actually having problems with execution and even when you didn't really tell me on how to fix that, I think I did learn how I should do it with this review. So thanks a lot!
Thanks a million, Beeezie! Always love your in-depth reviews! =) Report Review
Hi apocalypse! I'm here with your review, and it's so good to be back! :)
First off, I think you handled the situation between Chris and Lily beautifully. And I have to take Chris's side in their argument. Even though Lily feels guilty and it's not really her fault, Chris is right to be upset about James's behavior. That said, I like how you don't make either one of them the villain here. That's very consistent with each of their characters, I think :)
Characterization wise, I think my favorite part of the chapter is James's POV as he watches Lily. His thoughts are very touching, and they show a wonderful, non-jerk side of James. I think you've shown us a great moment in his character development. His irrational hatred of Chris is still there (which is to be expected...he is James, after all :P), but I really get the sense that Lily is more important to him than anything else. Great job with him here! (And as a James-hater, that's so wierd for me to say!)
Harry and Ginny seem to be on much better terms than they have in the past, which makes sense to me. After all, Harry did go all out to reconcile with her in the last chapter :) However, Harry did have a characterization moment that felt a little off: I just can't see him ever, EVER neglecting his work. Him forgetting to check up on Xenon and his informant seems very implausible to me.
While I was reading, I saw some repetitive phrases that distracted me. For instance, "He took it all in, drinking it all in." In general, you want to be extra careful to avoid using the exact same words close together that way.
In the past few chapters, I've noticed how much your dialogue has improved since the beginning of this story! When I first started reading this, I thought the dialogue sounded a little stiff, but in this chapter it sounds so much more natural and smooth. Props for that! :)
And can I just say, you are the MASTER of cliffhanger endings! You have such a knack for cutting off at just the right time. This ending makes me want to beg you for a new update as soon as possible! (No pressure or anything, right?) I need to know what the Slytherins are up to, and especially what Sirius is going to do to screw things up. I think you've got a great talent for keeping your readers hooked :)
Thank you so much for the awesome shout-out! You are amazing! And actually, I gave you a shout-out in my status on the forums before coming to read this. I just thought that was funny :)
Thanks for the request! Be sure and let me know when the next update comes :)Author's Response: Hey! Well, thanks for coming back Maggie! Your reviews are always a delight =)
Yay! I was afraid that I went a little overboard with the yelling; I wanted to keep it minimum considering it was Chris yelling, so I'm glad that I was able to pull that off. I tried to keep the scene neutral and not really go against their characters so it's really assuring to know that you think that I could job with it! Thanks!
Aw, man, you're a James-hater? I didn't know that! Wow, then I guess that it's a pretty big compliment what you just said about James =P Yayay! I'm so glad that you liked his character! I've wanted to lessen his jerkness for so long; I'm glad I found the right moment. Actually, my favourite part was James' POV too =D
Eh, I knew I'd messed up Harry's part somehow! Thanks for telling me that! I hadn't realised that it was that out of character; I'm gonna change that when I edit the story completely. Though I also think that it was sort of necessary to make him have all those feeling. I think I'll just come up with something else.
I really was very careful with the sentences in this chapter; I'm very very happy to know that the dialogue has improved! Yahhooo! =P =D Thank you thank you thank you!
Hehehe! MASTER! Aaaah, that means so much to me, you have no idea! Thanks for saying that! I love writing cliffhangers =P Haha, well I'm trying to help Sirius mess things up right now. Don't worry, whatever he'll do won't be very bad ;) Oho, the Slytherins! Ah, I can't really tell you anything; I guess you'll just have to read on! =P
Your welcome! I realised I had to do more than just thank you for your amazing help! So, I put in this shoutout! Ahaha, I just saw yours too; thanks for that! It's so funny how we did it for each other without the other person knowing; I really love when stuff like this happens =D
Thanks for the amazing review! Don't worry, you're always the first one I inform! =D Report Review
Ooh suspense! I've read the whole story so far and it's really really good. More soon I hope!Author's Response: Hey! Yes, suspense! One of my favourite things to write! I'll definitely be updating soon; as soon as my workload decreases, I'll be writing the next chapter! Thanks for staying with this story and thank you so much for reviewing! =) Report Review
Hi! I'm so sorry I've taken this long to get this review written, but hopefully I can be of some help to you now that I'm here. What I'll do is give you some brief thoughts about each scene, and then address the concerns in your post. So, here goes :)
The first scene is an awesome way to begin the story! After so much bickering between Harry and Ginny, it's so nice to see them having a sweet moment together. If I were you, I'd consider adding a litte bit about what exactly inspired Harry to do something special for her. You can take that or leave it (the scene is great the way you have it), but that's just something I think would be cute to see :)
Xenon's scene is very intense--a lot of drama and emotion packed into a few paragraphs. Clearly, the wound from his mother's death is still very fresh for him. And my jaw literally dropped when his dad died! It seemed very out of the blue to me. While I like the fact that you made it a sudden plot twist, I would suggest adding a mention of what exactly caused his death, or at least Xenon's guess of what happened. It would add some context to that part while still keeping the shock factor :)
Dude. Just when i thought Harry and Ginny's problems couldn't get any worse, Regulus reports their activities to Voldy himself. This scene showcases one of my favorite things about this story--your ability to keep adding drama and raising the stakes. It's a great way to keep the reader's interest. I can't wait to see how this scene will play into the rest of the story!
I still can't stand James. That's pretty much all I can say about his prank on Chris. I mean, who does something like that on Christmas, of all days? What a jerk :P But that aside, I think this comic relief is well-placed after two dramatic scenes. You do a good job of balancing light and dark elements in this chapter :)
Lily and Petunia's relationship seems completely on point. Petunia finds any reason to hate her sister, which I think is sad but very in character for her. And Lily is her usual kind self. I love her in this story :)
The thing that most stands out to me in the final scene is Sirius' hatred for house-elves. Why is he so cruel to them? It just seems so mean-spirited, even for Sirius.
Okay, now here are my thoughts on how to get the story moving again:
First off, I really did enjoy reading this chapter. It's a nice glimpse into everyone's lives, and it makes for a good read. However, the main plot doesn't really move in this chapter, and I think that may be the reason you're stuck.
Here's what I would do: add another scene at the end that deals with Harry and Ginny's main story line. It wouldn't have to be anything big, just something that moves the story forward. That might give you a better jumping-off point to start another chapter. And since this chapter has a lot of filler stuff, I definitely think the ending should focus back in on the main plot. That will help give you a sense of direction as you continue :)
I hope this helps! You're doing an awesome job on this story--don't give up on it! Thanks for the request :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for coming back to my story! And don't worry about the time, I completely understand that =)
I know what you mean about the first scene! It had been so long since I had written something good for Harry and Ginny, I thought that this was the perfect moment to do that. I thought that it was a pretty weak scene but judging by your comments on it, I feel that it wasn't that bad after all!
Well yes, I did have to kill off Xenon's father in order to put him in the emotional state that would eventually lead to the end of the story. His emotions are tied to the story very deeply and I think you know as well as I do how important they would be for the future chapters. I'm glad you were surprised by the death, it was my intention! However, you are right about it being so sudden that the reason got mixed up in there. I thought it had been obvious but when I read it over after your review, I realised that it needed to be more prominent.
You see, after X's mother died, his father had lost his wish to live. Basically, he became an alcoholic and so by this chapter, he had lost so much of his life, that there was nothing left worth living for. His drinking habit caused his death and X had known that his father would eventually die. One might ask why X had been so ruthless towards his father; the answer to that would be that his father had never really been affectionate with him and had never really given X the respect and love that he had deserved.
Haha, I loved it when you said 'Dude'! =P I use that word a lot too and I just couldn't stop grinning when I read it in this review. Well, there's not much about the Regulus scene that I can say that wouldn't reveal my intentions. Although I'm really very glad to see you catching up on things and guessing who Reg was actually talking about =) I'm having fun playing with the plot and I'm very happy to see you liking it. I can't wait for you to find out what this scene's importance actually is! =D
Haha, yeah, I know James is being the jerk here. =P But I promise, it's getting better in the next chapter. And thanks for commenting about the comic relief. That's the main part of the chapter I'm having problems with right now as well, so I'm glad I was able to pull it off in this one!
I love Lily in this story too! She's the best and I love her =) I'm glad you thought that I had written the relationship well; it was pretty difficult in imagining the entire scene first, but I'm glad I pulled it off! =D Hehe, I know that Sirius hatred of house-elves came on too strong in that scene. I'll try to edit that out, but I think that I will probably explain that somewhere in the future!
Thanks for the idea about the scene in the end! I had thought about that too, but I had discarded that idea, because I wanted this chapter to stay light and filler-ish. I'm going to use your idea for the next chapter though =) Plus, I'm not really stuck on moving the plot along; I have a fairly good idea where it's going and how it's going to get there. The problem I'm having is with pranks and the humour. I'll PM you about that if you don't mind me explaining further =)
Thank you so so much for your review Maggie! It has lifted up my spirits again and I have that drive back in me which'll force me continue my writing! Really, I appreciate this a lot and I would hug if you were here right now! =D THANK YOU! Love you! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, finally here with your review. Sorry it's taken me so long!
Some mechanical points:
There were a few points where you slipped up with your tenses. At the end of the third paragraph, you wrote, what he will do for Harry and his mother in the future? It should be what he would do.
In the last paragraph before they go into Transfiguration, it should be, But he knew all too well, not But he knew all to well - too not to. I also felt like the last sentence of the paragraph (Little did he know how right he was) was a little unnecessary.
In the next paragraph (starting, Transfiguration was torture), I felt like "ameliorated" wasn't quite the right word to use there. I typically don't see "ameliorate" used to refer to a person - maybe a specific skill, but not a person themselves. It just felt a little off to me.
Later on in the Transfiguration lesson, in the paragraph starting, "Yeah," Lily scoffed, "They love that, along with undivided attention", I think you missed a word in the last sentence - shouldn't you have a "him" between "disliked" and "heartily"?
At the start of the third section (I think it's the third section, anyway - the paragraph starts, She dragged her feet slowly, her strength almost zero at that moment), I noticed a few grammatical errors. First, you overused semi-colons: they should only be used when what you're putting after them could be a sentence in its own right. Neither Where Harry was barely hers and Where everything was new and where Sirius Black was present can stand as sentences on their own. Additionally, rather than, Very less people had experimented with it, it should be, Very few people had experimented with it, and rather than, even less people had actually survived it should be even fewer people had actually survived it.
I'm glad that you had Harry react to Snape in a way that wasn't just utter revulsion, because given that he named a child after him (dooming poor Albus Severus to one of the worst names in the entire series), his feelings about Snape obviously changed. However, while I did feel like while you did a good job depicting how his feelings toward Snape changed, I also felt a little like you'd oversimplified it.
Yes, Snape turned out to brave and all of that, but he was also the reason Harry's parents died in the first place. While Harry clearly was able to forgive him for that after the fact, I think that his feelings before that had happened would have been more conflicted - Snape would become a person Harry could respect, but in his sixth year, he wasn't there yet, you know? It almost seemed like Harry was a little starstruck, and given how Snape treated him throughout his school career, that seemed a bit much.
By the same token, I feel like you're portraying James in a bit too negative of a light. It's interesting, because it's a bit of a reversal of what I'd expect in a time travel fic like this, but even so, it's a little problematic.
If Harry was able to forgive Snape for everything he'd done wrong in his life - and there was a lot - he was also clearly able to forgive both his father and Dumbledore for the things they'd done wrong in their youth. Harry gave his second son Snape's name as a middle name; his father (and Sirius) got the recognition first. I don't think that you can really have it both ways; why is Harry so protective of the current Snape because of who he would become, but so disgusted with his father despite everything that James would grow into?
It's not that I don't think Harry would try to stop his father from going after Snape. It's that I think Harry would feel a lot more conflict and confusion that you showed him feeling during that scene. It also felt a little anti-climactic; they go to jinx Snape, but Harry stops them without Snape doing more than telling them to get out of his way. Where exactly did Snape go?
I do generally like your portrayal of Lily - I think that Harry's having a very appropriate reaction to having so much access to his mother, and I think that you're showing an interesting side of Lily - cheerful, supportive, and generally friendly, even to two people she barely knows. I also found it interesting that she was present and not trying to defend Snape - it fit well with what we saw in the Pensieve, and Harry's knowledge of Snape in the future along with his distance from the falling out definitely gives him a very different vantage point than what Lily had.
My only two issues with her are that I think that she's a bit too hard on James, and I also didn't love the way you recycled the terms Lily used in the memories Harry saw. She's a creative person - would she really be unable to think of any words other than toe-rag and arrogant?
(character limit, see next review)Author's Response: Hey! It's alright, I understand you being late =)
I really appreciate how you spend so much time on the mechanics! Thank you! I'll take your suggestions into account whenever I write now.
Well, you're right. Harry should have been more conflicted, and honestly, in my mind, he was. He was confused about his feelings for both Snape and James. I guess I wasn't able to write it down as I could have; my execution of the idea went wrong somewhere; I will try fixing that whenever I get to editing this story. Also, I feel that Harry has come to the past to do his job, you know? I have been trying to keep Harry's opinions and feelings about James/Snape/Sirius at a minimum, seeing as he knows what will happen in the future and knows that there's no point trying to change their actions of the past. So, he hasn't been paying attention to looking at James the way he's supposed to look. Lily, on the other hand, has been a different case as she introduced herself to them, making herself prominent automatically. I think I put down my basic idea here very well but I wasn't able to do that in the story, so thanks for pointing all those out! I'll try changing Harry's attitude a bit in the future! Report Review
Yes! The Xenon chapter! I have been wanting to get inside his head for the longest time, but I figured I'd just wait till you requested the chapter. Now I'm so glad it's time for me to review! I can tell you put a lot of thought and detail into his character, and it was all very, very interesting.
I'll just go ahead and start with the beginning. My very first thought was that the chapter seemed to begin abruptly, and the transition from the last chapter to this was pretty jarring. Instead of starting with dialogue, I'd like to see a little paragraph setting the scene, and describing Rudolph a bit. I think something like that would help the reader get a better feel for the chapter, and ease the transition to a completely different setting and character.
Okay, I'm going to gush about characterization now, so be prepared :P
Your concept of Xenon's troubled past is very sad, and also very plausible. I'm studying psychology in college, and so I'm learning about the power that past experiences can have over who a person becomes. I thought Xenon's story was very realistic and well-told. He thought he shared a unique bond with his mother, and finding out that she shared the same bond with another son just uprooted his whole concept of life. Xenon felt betrayed by the most important person in his life, and he just couldn't let go of that hate. That, combined with the desire for vengeance he'd developed as a child, made him the deeply troubled person he is in your story. The whole thing makes perfect sense, and I love the detail and emotion you put into his character.
I see Xenon as a bitter, unforgiving, impatient person. I could hear all of these elements clearly in his narrative voice. He's a very interesting character, and the story of his past is a great way of humanizing him. I'm a huge believer in showing the vulnerable side of villians, and I think you do that very well here.
The hospital scene just broke my heart. I could completely understand Rudolph's anger, but I was so sad that he didn't forgive his mother before she died. That scene was especially emotional for me, and I thought it was just really well done.
I'm assuming Rudolph's little brother is a wizard. Is that accurate? After this chapter, I'm anxious to learn more about him. I'm glad you explain why he's acting as Xenon's accomplice--because of the promise he made to his dying mother. I'm also excited to see the two brothers interact with each other. That's going to be a very interesting dynamic, I can already tell :)
I like that you used the phrase "the other boy," but waited a while to reveal who he actually was. It kept my interest all the way to the end :) But I did think you used that phrase too much, especially in the last paragraph. It got a little repetitious reading "the other boy" over and over, so I'd suggest using another identifier for him every now and then.
I noticed a few errors in word choice here and there, so I'm also going to suggest asking a beta to go over it. Don't worry-the ideas and emotion got across very well, but fixing a few grammar issues would improve this chapter that much more :)
Another nice touch I noticed: the connection between chemistry and magic. It's a great was of setting up the reason he chose magic as his weapon (and why he chose Xenon as his name--that's a great metaphor for the independence that Rudolph takes such pride in.) I just really liked the way you did that.
This was such an interesting, emotional chapter! Thanks for requesting it. I hope this review was detailed enough--please PM me on the forums or something if it wasn't!
P.S. I posted a few questions in your MTA, so have some fun with that :)Author's Response: Hey! Yes! The Xenon chapter =D I personally love this chapter because it shows who I am as a writer =D Thank you so much for coming by and reviewing this!
Yes, I agree with your point about the transition. The truth is that I wrote this chapter many days after I had written the previous one so I had trouble establishing the flow there. I totally understand what you mean about the transition being jarring and I promise I'll be editing this as soon as I have some time on my hands! =)
Oh. My. God! You just said everything about Xenon that has been in my mind! I can't believe the fact that you actually understood what I've been trying to convey about Xenon! =D Yay! Thank you so much! This shows that I've finally learnt to convey what I have in mind into proper words!
the hospital scene was a very hard on to write. I had to get into his mindset completely and I can't ever think of someone hating their mother as much as Xenon does; this part really stretched my imagination and I'm glad I was able to pull it off. When I think over how Xenon feels, I feel depressed and wish their was a way I could ease his pain and actually make him understand that his mother did mean well even if it doesn't seem like that.
Well, yes, you've got it right. He is definitely a wizard and I'm not going to be revealing his identity any time soon =P I like the fact that the suspense has grabbed your interest =D And yes, I have planned a conversation between the two brothers and I'm working on it in my mind; I just hope it comes across as I want it to.
I know, I know. I realised that the use of the phrase "the other boy" had gotten too much while I was writing the chapter. However, in the state of mind I and Xenon were, I thought that it would be alright to use that phrase for one continuous string of thoughts. That's why I din't substitute it. Plus, I couldn't think if anything else at that moment =P But don't worry, whenever Xenon comes up again, there will definitely be a nickname.
Yes, I know about the errors and I've been to edit those. I had my friend read this chapter over before I posted it and she said that it had a few grammatical errors but I was too excited to upload the entire thing that I did not bother going over the thing twice =P I know that's pretty careless of me but what could I do? =P After reading this, I'm sure you understand how I felt about updating this chapter =D
Yay! I'm so glad you like the connection with chemistry and magic! =D I wrote this chapter on the day when I had done a chemistry practical and when I saw the colours change myself, I could see Xenon seeing that connection too! =D Also, the name "Xenon" was chosen by me exactly for the same reason I've given in the chapter. I'm so happy you liked the idea! =D
Hey, it was the best review ever! Don't worry about it not being detailed enough; I loved it! =D Thank you so much for saying all this Maggie! You're awesome! =D I feel like I'm on cloud nine after reading this! Thank you!
*screams**jumps like a crazy person**laughs* YAY! Thank you thank you thank you! Thank you for posting in my MTA! It means SO much to me! Report Review
Hey again! I'm here with another review :)
This was another great chapter--I'm liking this story more and more as it goes on. The scene with Dumbledore was probably my favorite. A Hogwarts student behind the attack? You really know how to keep a reader guessing! However, I think you should go ahead and start the chapter off with that flashback section. It would make for better flow between the last chapter and this. Then afterwards you can go to the prank scene, and the rest of the chapter would have a more logical sequence :)
Speaking of the prank scene, I had one question about it while I was reading. Why would Harry and Ginny be clapping? It doesn't seem like something they would approve of, especially Harry. Unless they were doing it to blend in with the rest of the students. This isn't a big thing, or anything you should change--I was just wondering about it.
The scene where James professes his love may have made my hatred for him even stronger. But please don't take that as a criticism, because it's great that you've made me feel so strongly about one of your characters! I mean, he tries to make Lily feel guilty for kissing her own boyfrind, then blames Chris for it? Pretty twisted, if you ask me. But I guess love does make people kinda crazy :P
Overall, I thought the writing was great. Your dialogue was especially good in this chapter--it felt very true to life. Other than that scene ordering issue I mentioned earlier, I thought the whole thing was an effortless read. Awesome job!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for coming by again!
Thank you for the advice about the arrangement of the scenes. When there are too many scenes in the chapter I'm always unsure as to how I should arrange them and this chapter was a particular problem. I'm really grateful that you helped me with it =)
I think that Harry and Ginny clapped at the moment, you know? They were in the Great Hall with everybody so it was just right for them to pretend to like it just like most people had. I didn't think that I should single them out again. Just wanted the Marauders to sort of have a moment.
Thank you for the hatred =P Really, I appreciate it! =P And don't worry, I'm not taking it as criticism. Even if it was, I wouldn't have minded at all. And yeah, that's what I wanted to show: love making you go so crazy that you don't know what you're doing anymore. I hope I was able to bring it out =) Thank you!
Yay! Good dialogue! =D I'm so happy to hear that! It's all because you and other reviewers who give me such good tips.
Thank you so much for another review! I can't wait to see what you think of the next chapter. It's my favourite one so far. =D Report Review
Hi! I hope you've had a good new year :D
This chapter was a really fun, interesting read. I loved all the plot twists! Sirius eavesdropping, Xenon's mystery informant, and the attack on Ollivander...all these things added so much excitement to the story.
I'm going to start off with characterization. Once again, you do a great job with Harry. I especially liked seeing his jealous streak come out towards the beginning--it seemed very true to the character we see in the books. That scene also showed an important element of Ginny's character. Knowing her, I totally understood why she was so irritated with Harry's comment about Sirius. Even though she's in a relationship, she is still fiercely independent and won't be bossed around, especially by her boyfriend. I loved seeing that fiery side of her, because I think it's a big part of who she is. Great job with those two :)
Sirius seems very diabolical in this chapter, which adds some intrigue. I get the sense that he's very proud, and determined not to give up on his conquest of Ginny. And James! Ugh. You're dong a great job of making me hate him :) He seems very cocky and cruel, and I'll be interested to see what Lily ends up seeing in him. I love her character, by the way. She's very sweet, but at the same time isn't afraid to defend her morals, which is awesome :)
I love the content in this chapter--it's all very compelling, and you've got a strong story line. But I have a couple suggestions for improving the flow of it. First, when you break for Sirius' POV near the beginning, I think you should leave the heading out. Since you're using 3rd person, you could just say something like "Sirius turned away from the portrait hole..." and it would make for a more seamless transition. Second, I think that as a general rule you should shorten your sentences, or even replace some "ands" with commas here and there. Super long sentences are good every now and then, but it gets exhausting to read them constantly.
As I think I've said before, I love your descriptive style. You have some beautiful passages here, especially the 3rd paragraph of Sirius' POV (when he changes into dog form.) I just loved your imagery there, it was stunning.
Great chapter! As always, I'm looking forward to reading more :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank you so much! Hope you're having a good new year too =)
I'm glad you like the plot twists! =) This was a very crucial chapter and I wrote it in a just a few hours too. I was worried about the characterization mostly but I'm glad you that that it worked. =D
Hehehe I wanted to make Sirius and James seem just like I see them. With your comments, I can see that I succeeded in portraying them exactly as I wanted them to be. Woohoo! =P
I love your suggestions! Thank you so so much for taking the time to mention the point about the "ands".. I totally know what you mean and I promise that I'll try working on it.
You have no idea how much I love you right now. I never could've imagined that anybody would comment on my descriptive and love it. Thankyou thankyou thankyou! I'm so glad you liked the imagery in Sirius POV! =D
Love you Maggie! =D =D =D Thank you so much for reviewing this! Report Review
I am HOOKED!! Looking forward to your next installment!!Author's Response: Yay! Thank you so much! =D The next chapter is written and will be uploaded as soon as the queue opens! Thank you so much for reviewing! =) Report Review
I love your story idea!
Please write more, it is so captivating.
WHO IS THE OTHER BOY!!
11/10Author's Response: Yay! Thank you thank you thank you! I will write more pretty soon, don't worry! =D
And heheheh, you have no idea how smug I feel right now =P I am SO glad that I was able to capture you interest about the other boy.. You'll have to wait for it to come! Hope you like what's coming =)
Thanks for the review! =D Report Review
I loved it!when are you uploading the rest???
i can't wait to read it!!!the storyline is excellent and its been well executed.Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Hey, thank you so much! I love the fact that you like my storyline =) I spent a lot of time on developing it.. And I know I've delayed the next chapter a lot and I'm sorry! But it's gonna be coming in a little time, I'm hoping!
Thanks for the review once again! =) Report Review
Hi! I'm finally here with your review!
I thought there were some really great elements in this chapter, and I enjoyed reading it. One of the things I love about this story is that each chapter makes me think...you do a good job of keeping the reader engaged. Most of this comes from your suspenseful plotline and rich description. Overall, I think this chapter is my favorite yet!
That said, there were some spots in the chapter that I had issues with. I'll just get those out of the way first:
-James and Sirius' insults to Snape (the "He exists" thing, and the scene where they hang him upside down in DADA) seem to come straight out of the books. I would really like to see more original lines from them, so those parts don't feel recycled.
-I was confused as to what Harry's feelings toward Snape actually are. When he first sees Snape and is nervous about facing him, it seemed like Harry had a lot of respect for him. But then, he was "affronted" at the suggestion that he felt something for Snape. To me, the word "affronted" implies that Harry has negative feelings toward Snape. That scene in particular left me confused. I would suggest finding a way to make it more clear what Harry's feelings are about Snape...whether they are positive, negative, or a mix of both.
-I won't point these out individually, but I did see some word choice errors and run-on sentences.
Okay, I'm done with nit-picky things now! Now comes the fun part: gushing over things I liked :)
I am loving your characterization of Harry. You write him so well in this story. Him playing the hero in the Snape situation highlights his generous nature, and standing up to his father shows how much he's grown. You've kept him true to the books and matured him at the same time, and I love seeing that :)
I am also loving the way you describe Harry and Ginny's relationship and their thoughts about the whole situation. At first I was frustrated that they weren't getting along, but you write them so well that I've gotten over that. Now I'm just enjoying seeing them try to figure things out.
Overall I think your pacing is good, but in future chapters I'd like to see the Xenon plotline take center stage. To me, that is what makes your story stand out, so you should spend some time focusing on that. I like the way you incorporated him into this chapter...it adds some of the mystery that I love so much about this story, and now I'm so excited to read on!
Wow, I think this is the longest review I've ever written. Sorry about that, but I wanted to make it worth your wait! I really enjoyed reading this. Keep it up! :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for this awesome review! I'm really very glad that you liked this chapter!
Firstly, about the parts you mentioned. I just noticed fully how much those parts are like the books. I hadn't really realised that earlier! Thank you so much for pointing those out! =) It's sometimes really hard to keep it all original and I'm glad you helped me see that there. =)
About Harry's feelings: well, he's actually confused about Snape as well. I wanted to give the impression of him being unsure as to how to respond to seeing Snape however with our comments, I think I didn't exactly succeed here. I think I'll try incorporating that in the later chapters.
Yay! I love reading reviews that mention so many good and bad points all together =) Thank you so much. Personally, I thought that the idea of Harry and Ginny having problems was a bit shaky but I think I pulled it better than I'd hoped. It's nice to see your response to it =) Thanks!
And yes, I know what you mean about Xenon. Don't you worry =P He's coming up pretty soon. =D
And it's alright about the long review! I'm honoured that it was my story on which you posted your longest review =)
Thank you SO so much Maggie! I always LOVE reading your reviews =D Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! (And don't be silly, apologizing for being busy! I was just afraid I'd frightened you away with my nitpicking. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to get to your review. I've been horribly busy lately. :( )
So! You know me. You know the drill. I've got to touch on mechanics first.
There were a few points where your narrative was redundant. For example, in the first paragraph, you write, "had not yet met his downfall at the hands of the Boy Who Lived yet."
There were also a few points where your description was contradictory. In the first paragraph, you say that Diagon Alley was just as Harry remembered it, but that it was ominous at the same time. I think I understood what you meant - that it looked the same, but had an atmosphere like that after his fifth year - but it was a little awkwardly worded.
Most of the dialogue in this chapter was good, but there were a couple off points. For example, when Ginny says, "If you buy the same owl that you are destined to buy in the future, will you not be changing your past?" in the first section, it felt a little odd. I do understand that it wasn't supposed to come off as smooth, but this doesn't read awkward, it reads formal, which isn't really what you're going for (I don't think). Another point that felt a little off was when Chris was explaining to Harry about why there were two dormitories, in particular the paragraph, "Nope. Before you there were seven of us." Again, it felt a little formal and stilted, and the way he described the Marauders didn't seem to fit with his feelings toward them.
I thought that your pacing this chapter was good, overall. I'm glad that you had them in Diagon Alley at the beginning of the chapter, and I think that you spent the right amount of time on it. The juxtaposition between that time and his time was important in setting the mood, and while I felt like one of Ginny's lines was delivered a bit awkwardly, the overall concept and Harry saying, "You didn't but I get it" worked really well. Additionally, I was glad that you didn't spend too much time on the feast or the carriage ride - you introduced us to the characters without going into a lot of depth, and that felt really natural.
I also thought that your portrayal of Harry was really spot-on. When he's agonizing about giving Ginny the ring and how to deal with the tension between them, it felt really in-character and genuine - the Harry we know was not very good at dealing with emotions, and you stayed true to that while putting him in a very different situation. The way he reacted to meeting his mother was also terrific.
However, I didn't love the justification you gave for the two dormitories. I have no difficulty believing that there were two dorms, but I wanted a better reason. Even something as simple as "Sirius and James blew up our beds" as a catalyst would have worked. I just wanted something, if that makes sense. I also felt like the fight between James and Chris at breakfast was a little overdone, and could have been toned down a bit or presented in a different way (for example, James going on about Lily to Sirius because he hasn't seen her all summer, or something along those lines).
Otherwise, though, it's a really solid chapter. I like what you're doing with Ginny in particular - in some ways, sure, her being attracted to Sirius is a little weird, but in a lot of other ways, it makes sense. He's attractive, they're roughly the same age, and she's in an awkward position with her boyfriend. For her to be interested in other guys works well in that context. Nice job.Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for coming back! =D and as i said, you didn't scare me off. Not at all. I'd just taken some time off.
You're totally right about the mechanics. I've been having problems with my wording lately and haven't been able to go over my chapters so thoroughly as I once did. I would've definitely noticed the errors you've pointed out so I can say that I know what you mean when they're sorta awkward. I'm glad you understand what I meant when I contrasted Diagon Alley. That means that I wasn't as far off as I'd thought!
About the Ginny's dialogue. Yep, you're right. I already knew it was awkward because I'd tried phrasing it like ten other ways! It just hadn't seem to fit in any other way. I swear this was the best way I could write it.
Yay! Thank you so much! This is a lovely review =D I'm so glad that you liked this chapter particularly. It's one of my best. I'm happy that you thought that Harry's character was spot-on. I love writing him =D
I know what you mean about the dormitories. I didn't think that the reason was significant so I didn't pay much attention to it. I suppose I'll change it once I edit it. Thanks!
Yay once more! My intentions behind that Sirius/Ginny thing were exactly those! I'm glad you liked it and understood my idea! =DD
Thank you so much once again! I'm very very happy now =D Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. First I just want to apologize for the extremely long wait. I am so sorry that it took me so long to get around to this. I have just been crazy busy with school work, and my queue has been huge. But I finally made time for this. Thank you for being so patient!
Okay, the first thing I want to do is tell you that your chapter image has timed out with Photobucket. I'm getting that small little blue and white image. I just thought I would let you know that. ;)
But moving on. I think you're off to a brilliant start here. This will clearly be a wonderful, unique story, and you already have me dying to read more.
Really great job. It is always extremely important that the first chapter is compelling enough to make your readers want to continue, and you have most certainly done that here. Excellent job! You really pulled me in from the beginning.
It was a great way to start the story. I'm glad that you didn't take the time to dwell on all the changes between the conclusion of the series and here or any of that. But rather you dove directly into the plot. That's brilliant.
And you have definitely set up such an original scene here! You managed to make the whole time travel thing original in this. I am dying to learn more.
Harry and Ginny have a brilliant connection here; that is easily seen. Their dialogue flows so easily together without even really trying. It just all runs together so perfectly. Excellent job in that aspect.
And what a way to leave the chapter off! You now have me wanting to continue on.
I didn't spot any mistakes, I don't think. There aren't any off the top of my head, and your descriptions were lovely, as was your flow. You didn't dwell on any one aspect for too long. It was wonderful how you jumped from dialogue, to actions, to descriptions, to emotions. It all ran together so perfectly. Brilliant job!
I can't wait to see where you take this plot. It is evident that you have put a lot of thought and effort into it. Brilliant job!
And now I don't quite know what else to tell you! Wonderful job! I would love to hit the next few chapters right now, but unfortunately I have about 30 stories in my queue, so I can only hit this chapter for now. However, feel free to come request the next at any time! Thank you!
Great job!Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for coming by my story! I'm extremely grateful! Firstly, I would like to tell you that you had EXACTLY the response I have been looking for in my readers! I loved the fact that you liked my idea and yep, you're right, I definitely have put a lot of effort into this story! It's extremely close to my heart!
Hahaha yeah, I know about the image. I just didn't get around to updating it yet. And no problem, I completely understand about the queue. I'll definitely come back again! I really wanna know what you think about the next chapters! =) Report Review
Wow Xenon's sotry is really interesting and well thought out. I'm glad we got to know his bacground. I think it's a very good idea and I do feel sorry for him, even though he's transformed into a horrible person.Author's Response: Yay, thanks! Well, to be honest, I re-wrote this chapter two times before I got the result I had wanted. I really wanted Xenon's character to be well thought out. I'm glad you found it so =) Thank you so much for reviewing littlemisssnape! It means so much to me that you're following my story and reviewing and liking it! =) I'm really very grateful. Report Review
I love it! When will more be coming? I hope it's soon!Author's Response: Yay! Thank you so much! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Well, I'm not entirely sure as to when i'll be uploaded. I'm still working on it at the moment =) I'm hoping it's soon too =) Report Review
Are you writeing another chapterAuthor's Response: Yep, I'm working on it =) Though it'll be slightly slower now, I've got loads on my plate at the moment. Thanks for reviewing by the way, and thanks for reading my story too.. =D Report Review
hm:) i love it. hurryup&writemore!Author's Response: Hey, thank you so much! And don't worry, I'm working on it =) Report Review
A really good story, I hope you'll update soon :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yep, I'll update real soon! The next chapter is being written, it'll be up soon =) Report Review
This story is BRILLIANT!! I'm so excited!! It's just so interesting that I can't help myself from jumping up and down. I'm continuing this instant. I can't wait to read what will happen!!Author's Response: Hahaha thank you thank you! I know, I jumped up and down too when I had the idea =) It really is exciting.. Report Review
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