Hshfshdijfsjfsefndnmn ah 'Sirius' love for this (ah that joke will never get old!) ! So basically am siriusly (see... never) jel of Lola, although I love her as a character! I loved the bit when she was looking after the weasleys, was literally squeaking with excitement! Oh my goodness will actually go into mourning when James and lily die and Sirius is blamed...oh poor Lola the thought actually makes me want die...please consider an alternate ending when the potters survive(pretty please) and don't you even dare think of killing Lola off! - will actually hunt you down if you do ! Love the names going on in this ; lola, Celia and Katherine are so pretty ,am now actually contemplating naming my first born daughter Lola just so I can call her my 'lovely Lola ' - argh so utterly sweet! Siriusly though, (he he) this is amazing, the dialogue is so realistic and engrossing and Lola is the perfect counterpart for Sirius (bitter and jealous much?) please write more soon ! Super duper job! p.s just so you don't think i'm some internet nutter ,I was only joking about hunting you down if you kill her off ( well partially) Report Review
dude. this is...really good. and cool. simple in a sense but in a good way. lola and sirius are not perfect and that makes them real. i honestly can't understand why you wouldn't have more reviews this is, full of smart and great lines. i really find myself looking forward to what is going to happen. so do update soon please. anyone who doesn't actually review this is missing the point. it's brilliant! Report Review
Remus' last words at the end made me laugh a little. Mostly because no one was expecting it. I really like where this story is going. A good first chapter for a first story. No obvious mistakes and I like bow you are portraying the characters so far.
Sam. Report Review
I love Lola in this chapter, absolutely adore how she's sort of the youngest one is the big family and therefore feels the pressure- I would like to hear more about her relationship with Marlene though. I love how awkward Sirius is when Lola is crying, I found that really sweet that he had no idea what to do- very in character I think.
The only thing I find wrong with this chapter is that it is so short, I feel like you probably could have added more on at the end or in the library scene- surely Lola and Sirius would have more to say to each other? Well, anyway- it was a pleasure reviewing for you and I hope my reviews helped!
Feel free to request again.
x Ely Report Review
First thing is first, If I were you, I would think about changing the spacing it your first paragraph or perhaps adding a little more description between the two changes of perspective between Marlene and Sirius otherwise it looks a little choppy. Also, the three year skip confused me slightly- you may want to somehow blend that (hope that makes sense) into the first chapter more?
I love how you have written Sirius drunk, it seems like the way I would imagine him act, so good job on that front! Marlene number two- that line made me laugh and I hope we get to learn more about Lola very soon- she intrigues me, while I hope Sirius doesn't always she her as the second version of Marlene, that always sucks. I have to admit, the 'she's only twelve' line both made me laugh but also confused me- probably because I completely suck at Maths. So, uh...how is old is Lola? And how old is Sirius? Thank you in advance for clearing those up for me!
Also, thank you for requesting and I will see you in the next chapter for my last review.
x Ely Report Review
Hello There, this is ElysiumJayne with the reviews you requested back in September- Sorry for taking so long to get to you, but life has been rather busy for me lately. But anyway, let's get on with the review!
The first thing I noticed about this chapter is that there are a few grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. I know you asked for me not to mention spelling or grammar but I noticed you spelt Dorcas as Doracas- of course that can be quickly cleaned up though I do advice you to get a beta reader, they honestly make the world of difference!
Now, moving on! I like the characters you've mentioned (for the girls), and I love you for the fact that they are not Lily's friends! I, myself, write a Sirius/OC where she is Lily's friend so it's nice to see a change once in a while! The girls all seem very simple which I find very refreshing compared to some of the characters out there at the moment, so good job with that!
Another thing I would suggest would be to changed the Sorting Hat's song into italics, it just makes it more obvious that it's the song I believe but honestly, when it comes down to it all- it is your decision.
Thank you for requesting and I will see you in your next chapter.
x Ely Report Review
Interesting turn of events! Now Marlene seems out of luck while her sister might have stumbled upon the love of her life! Dear what a mess! But that is the best part of Drama isn't it? :)
Short chapter, but it was enjoyable and very quick paced in accordance with the general tone of the chapter.
firewhiskey and parties and a general tradition with fanfiction and as always a recipe for disaster lol looks like they both just dodged a bullet.
There's still that division in between that sort of interjects with your otherwise lovely flow. But other than that it's all good. Hope you keep up the good work.
Marlene can't be too happy about this, wonder how she'll take it... :)
~Pen2Paper. Report Review
Hey, Pen2Paper here with your review :)
First and foremost, congratulations! on your first piece fanfiction:) I remember what it was like when I first started writing and I'm glad you had the courage to post this, it is how you learn to become better while you learn your strengths.
For a first-time writer of fanfiction, this is very impressive. I think with practice you'll do even better! :)
So to give a general idea I'd like to give you some pointers along with some compliments :) :)
Your intro was very direct, you cut straight to the chase, no descriptions nothing, but it was strong and very well delivered. You pulled it off nicely! Well done with that!.
Next: I like your flow, it's very natural and sort of unique. So try not to break it with dividers unless absolutely necessary. When you do break them, try to touch up a bit about the surrounding so that the reader isn't misplaced suddenly.
For ex: Your second scene with the sister's Sorting, describe the room, (I know we already know exactly how it looks like, but put yourself in the room and bring something more other than the candles and the enchanted ceiling, it's an incentive for you to bring in more of your creativity :) ) That way the reader is eased into the scene instead of dropped suddenly from the ceiling.
Also, since your story is focussed on the girls and the marauders stick close to them without heading too much over to the frightened little first years. It's just a suggestion really, because I feel that it can sometimes confuse the narration a bit.
Your characters are lovely. Very good plus points in including Peter in the conversation! Well done! My only suggestion is to identify your main characters (those the story is based on) and your supporting characters ( who play vital roles in the sub plots the keep the story going) and give them the appropriate level of prominence in your story. Of course this cannot be achieved in one chapter alone. But I just wanted to give you the heads up. :)
Ok now coming to content, since this is only a prologue I cannot expect too much to happen but you did set the background nicely with the excellent references to the brewing war and a very realistic typical teenage reaction to the house-arrest that resulted from it. If I had to pick out one favourite thing from your story, that would be it.
That, right there is what shows that you have great potential in you :) I hope that you found this review useful and that you continue to bring the same level of creativity and hard work for the rest of your novel.
Very well done, Excellent effort :) :)
~Pen2Paper Report Review
Hi, Its me from the forums!
Since its your first chapter ever, I will try to not be harsh and too specific on the story! (:
Okay, I admit that first it was kinda confusing but then I think that was just my brain not working up to my standards. You said on your form that you want me to cover 'basically everything.' I assume by that you mean the most basics right?
Well as far as reviewing goes I think the most important bit is the flow. So I'll start with that then the description and then the characterisation.
Flow: Your story is easy to read. You made all the bits and pieces work together and in the end the whole chapter makes sense for me.
Description: I think this COULD be your weakest point if writing a story. There's too much dialogues going on, I know most authors think (and even I did) that the more dialogues going on the better but the truth says otherwise. From what I read and reviewed with some stories that I really liked, most of them had less dialogue and more of the description. So, work on that and don't be scared or whatever to put more descriptive words!
Characterisation: Not your strongest point but not the weakest either. I think that you should describe more about Lola, give her more characteristic descriptions because its kinda hard to picture someone from a fanfic without a proper description from the author. (If you get what I mean)
Overall, I'll give you and 8 out of 10 since I liked the story anyways! And thank you for bringing me to this wonderful story!
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review first of all. I really do appreciate it! :*
I totally agree with the description comment. It's something I really feel I need to work on and I'm trying to get better. It's more I'm rubbish at than I think the story doesn't need it.
I'll work more on Lola, thanks. I think it's because I know her I'm thinking 'Everyone should!' which is totally stupid :P
Once again thanks, and I'll work on the things you've mentioned. Report Review
Okay, wait. You've got some inconsistencies in your story. Regulus can't have been in her class, he started Hogwarts in '72, and Sirius started in '70. I was under the impression that Sirius is taking his NEWTS putting him in his 7th year, so Regulus is in his 5th year, but your character is only in her first year. Those just don't add up! I'm not trying to be hard on you, but there are just little bits of consistency that could make this story really meld together and become something great.Author's Response: Told you how it's supposed to work in my last reply :D I hadn't realised it was so confusing.
Thank you for all this by the way. I really do appreciate someone telling me when nobody knows what's happening. Hope you're enjoying it despite all the weird bits! Report Review
A couple things... Poppy Pomfrey was the school nurse during the marauder era, and Dumbledore was Headmaster! Just so you know! :)
xxAuthor's Response: Ooh thanks! I spent ages deliberating over who to put down and abviously went with the wrong ones :D It'll go on my list of things to fix, thanks! Report Review
I think you have your characters mixed up, Dear. Lola was the first year who just got sorted. She doesn't have OWLs coming up, isn't 16, and isn't allowed at Hogsmeade! :x
I'm not trying to be mean, but I thought I'd point it out!Author's Response: I jumped a few years from my prologue to the rest of the story and it's clearly not obvious :D You're the second person who's mentioned it today. I'm going to put something in that makes it clear because it's obviously confusing.
Thanks for letting me know! :) Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your requested review!
A quick disclaimer: I was an English major in school, and while spelling is not my forte, grammar is something I tend to focus on. It can make or break a story for me, and what I think of as "glaring" may well be different than what other people think of as glaring. If that's not what you're looking for, I'd advise against rerequesting, because that's kind of just my nature.
Along that vein: again, the use of ' over " is jarring to me. I'm not sure why you're using it. There were also lot of places where commas should have been used and weren't. For example: ['I'll see you soon' he said walking away] should have been ["I'll see you soon," he said, walking away]. Again, for many people, these things are minor, but I tend to fixate on them.
Beyond that, I was a little confused by the flow. Since there's no indication of time in the prologue, I assumed that this was set shortly after it. However, if Sirius was making out with her, it's probably much further in the future than that, and I really would have liked to see some clear indication.
I also have to admit (and this is a personal preference) to typically not liking party scenes in Hogwarts, especially where substance use and/or members of other houses being in a house's common room are involved. It seems off to me in general, given what we know of Hogwarts, and I'm not very good at suspending my disbelief. As someone in her 20s, it also frequently doesn't really jive with my experience of parties - I'm not sure if your experience is just very different or if you're writing off secondhand information, but either way, again, suspension of disbelief isn't something I'm good at. I'm also not a fan of Sirius as a playboy or of the playboy suddenly turning into a good boyfriend (which I can see a few indications of, here).
So yeah. I'm sorry, but personally, I just didn't love it. Marauder's fics can be a lot of fun, and I'm not saying that yours doesn't have potential. It's just not coming across as real to me right now.Author's Response: In relation to the '/" thing - I think it's from school here where we're taught to use 's for quotes, and because I'm so used to typing like that, I've muddled it into this. I'll try and fix this, along with the other grammatical errors gradually.
I've just realised that it wasn't obvious what was going on. I'll definitley have to add something in to make it clear that time has passed.
Okay, that's good to know. I think it may be a cultural thing for the parties thing (although, coming for a city where there's an inordinate amount of substance abuse from a young age, I'm probably not the best person to judge what's normal). And I suppose the Sirius thing is just personal preference although I definitley feel I could have written him better.
Thank you very much for your review! It was helpful and I'll definitley take everything into account (: Report Review
Since you asked, I'll leave a real review on the next chapter, but I have a few quick things I want to point out that I think could really help readability.
First off, you're using ' for dialogue rather than ". I've seen that done before in fanfics, and I've never really understood it. At least for me, it makes it difficult to get through it because it just feels a bit off, you know?
I'd also have liked to see more description, especially early on. I didn't get a sense of the surroundings, and there wasn't a clear narrator. It just would have helped ground the story a bit more and make it stand out.
I'll go onto chapter 1 now and leave a more detailed review of the story as a whole, but I just wanted to point those few things out. :) Report Review
Okay, so first and foremost, you are very good with dialogue. Alot of it is very witty and biting. It gives the story color. I also like the plot. I love Sirius love stories. They're adorable. The character portrayal seems pretty straight on. In the first chapter, James seemed very believable from what I read, describing his personality, in the book. I do like Lola as well, she seems rather snarky and casual...a good match for Sirius, but I think that it would be better if her character was described a bit more. She seemed kind of thrown into the whole mess. The chapters are also a bit short and it seems that the story is moving a bit to fast in order for there to be true development. But this story does have potential. Keep it up. I bet it'll be a very entertaining fic. :DAuthor's Response: First of all thank you so much for reviewing. (:
Thank you on the dialogue comment. I feel that it is something I'm relatively good at while I struggle with descriptions.
I'll definitely work on Lola's character. I think it's more me struggling to describe her than anything else.
Yeah I was concerned about chapter length. I think it's because I'm used to writing pieces that have strict word limits so I'm not quite into the 'write as much as you like' mindset :D
Thank you for your time, it's much appreciated! Report Review
Well I can honestly say that I like the start of your story. You have the usual characters down to a tee.
Usually the first years (if I remember the films correctly) walk between the Gryffindor table and Hufflepuff table. Though I could be wrong, you might want to check that out.
9/10 and adding you to fav story so I know when you update.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! :) It's definitley appreciated.
I'm glad you thought the characterisation was okay. I always like stories where the characters act and speak like I'd imagine. So I'm really pleased about that.
Thanks for that about the tables. I just randomly put two down so I'll change it now that I know which two it should be (:
And the next chapter's just waiting to be validated to hopefully it'll be up soon.
And thanks for reading and reviewing! :* Report Review
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