Oh my gosh this was so unbelievably cute I could just die!
I love how you portrayed Rose and the way that you described her having a crush on Scorpius are how many girls probably feel when they get a crush on someone, I thought that was really well done.
I can't seem to think of anything to say other than that that was the most adorable and cute thing that I've ever seen/read!
Great job on the one-shot and for a first attempt at writing first person, it was a pretty successful one.Author's Response: Aww, thank you. I'm happy you found it to be so cute. It was so much fun to write. Report Review
I like this one :) rlly reminds me of the guy i like for some reason. Good job on it :) nd merry Xmas!Author's Response: Hehe, it reminds me of a guy I know too. It was loosely based on a true story but modified to the HP universe. Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here from the BvB review battle. :)
I thought that this was a really sweet fic. *gushes a lot before continuing* Seriously, I loved the way you wrote about Rose and Scorpius, it was just so akdfjkajskfjksd aw. :')
Okay, I'll try to be more helpful instead of gushing all over your review. xD Oh, I noticed a mistake:
+ "...and you winked at me before walking away to what ever you had been doing."
^ In this sentence, "whatever" is only one word. :)
~Khanh (Ravenclaw)Author's Response: Hehe...gushing is fine :) Thanks so much, between all the gushing I can see that you really liked it. It was a fun little piece to write as well. Thanks for picking up those errors for me. Report Review
This was so cute! It was really well written and I really liked the first person perspective, and how Rose referred to Scorpius as you. I thought it was really good how you clearly built up their relationship in just a one-shot.
I spotted one mistake - you spelled Scorpius 'Scropius', near the beginning. Otherwise, it was perfect.
I really enjoyed reading this. Good job!
~GoldemortAuthor's Response: Thank you. This story just worked as a first person; I don't think I could have written it in 3rd person if I tried. It just flowed so naturally out of me. I do know about that mistake.I must go fix it. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Report Review
I apologise in advance for the oncoming fan-girly squeal.
This is the sweetest fic I've read in a long time. This one-shot was just so...fab! You know, I'm possibly saying this because I'm never able to write decent one-shots myself, but it was really well-written nevertheless. :) I loved the second person Pov (sort of) too. It made Rose's thoughts more profound, according to me. And the kiss! It was superduperincredible! and so cute! I loved the way you built up their relationship in a single chapter--that it wasn't anything plotless. :)
The ending! The ending was perfect! Just...so perfect. In fact, the whole last para was brilliant.
CC?- Umm...you seem to have a typo in the chapter summary. You've written 'off' instead of 'of', but that's all I can critisize.
I really enjoyed reading this. :)Author's Response: You know you're in for a good review when it starts with a *ssqueaalll*
I'll let you in on a little secret...this story is loosely based on a true story, except the paddock was filled with cows and I didn't get the kiss, but it did put my mind into overdrive, and so this story was created.
I absolutely loved writing it, and it probably ended up in the second PoV because it was very much based on my thoughts so I really was seeing things through my eyes.
Anyway, I'm so happy you enjoyed it. It really is a sweet little story and your review totally made my night :) Report Review
I did enjoy it - thank you for writing!Author's Response: Thank you. I really enjoyed writing this. It was just so light hearted. Report Review
Well then! It's DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you.
Great job with this story! I think it was very well-written. You did quite nicely with the present tense (a couple of slip-ups, but nothing major), and the first-person POV was well done as well. There were a couple of moments where Rose was refering to Scorpius as "you," but then you would say something like "Scorpius said," etc. You'll want to keep it consistent, you know? If you're using "you," do it all the time.
The only thing I might comment on that you might want to consider is adding more dialogue or descriptions. The way this reads is sort of like a history book or something. It's a little flat because you're just hearing a simple view of Rose's thoughts. You don't get much of anything else which leaves a lot wanting, you know?
I think you did very well here, even if there are a couple things you need to work on. The execution was a bit shaky, but the idea was wonderful. I loved the plot. (Side note: Scorpius crouching and putting his head on Rose's stomach seemed like an awkward gesture...) Your characterization was very good and I think you kept things understandable, though. Good job!
Only other thing I might change is the capitalization of the title. "Watching Me, Watching You" instead of "Watching me watching you." Just personal preferance there, though. :]
Great job! Thanks for visiting my review thread!
--Emily (DarkRose)Author's Response: Thank you for your thoughts and critique. I've had this story beta read now (and it's in the queue for validation) so all the "Scorpius said's" have not been corrected to keep things consistent. It was one of my challenges moving from third to first person.
I do want to keep this more as Rose's thoughts than anything else. I may see of there is some places I can add more description or detail but I don't want any more dialogue. I want it to be more of her internal monologue about a crush she knows she has, about a guy she just can't read.
Thanks for the review :)
This is such a heartwarming one shot. It made me smile as I read it. I love ScoRose to death, and this fic just reminds me why I love it. It's written beautifully and the text is so smooth. It's almost poetic, the way you wrote it. I could basically picture them in the rain and I could also feel the romantic tension between Rose and Scorpius. Their kiss was adorably sweet, not sappy like a lot of romantic scenes. It was written just right.
Another thing I'd like to point out is how you complimented the story with the way you ended it. I love the whole "when did I break you?" part. It adds a flare to your already beautifully written fic.
Again, well done. You're characterization is great, your writing style is beautiful, and it was just adorable enough without becoming sappy.
P.S. Isn't it blast ended skrewts?Author's Response: Thanks so much for your thoughts. I'm really happy it didn't come off overly sappy. While it is in essence a very fluffy, heartwarming story, I wanted the deeper feelings of Rose to come through rather than making it a gush fest.
I've had this story beta read now to correct my errors, I just got impatient waiting for validation so I decided to ask for a review anyway :) Report Review
It was amazing. Really well written. I loved it.Author's Response: Thanks so much :) Report Review
I love how Rose is so innocent and content until Scorpius catches her eye and suddenly she's breaking rules and recieving detentions. Great job well done :)Author's Response: Typical boys, making good girls break the rules with their charm :) Thanks for leaving a review. I'm glad you enjoyed it Report Review
This was really cute :) I like the way you wrote Rose. I thought you did well with the first person/present tense. Nothing really jumped out at me, so that's a good sign :)
I also liked that you wrote Rose and Scorpius as friends before they kissed. I think there is a tendency to write them as rivals who act like they can't stand one another, until they make out :P So this was kind of refreshing in that way.
For some reason, the fact that you included the blast-ended screwts absolutely cracked me up. Oh Hagrid...you're hopeless dude :)
My favorite line was: "This moment is nearly too perfect to ruin with common sense." I don't know why that struck me, but it really did. It's so sweet and funny and very much in the moment. I loved it.
Overall, it was an excellent, sweet, fluffy story and I really enjoyed reading it.
~SingularityAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for you review. I'm glad I got most of the 1st person/present tense things right.
It is a sweet fluffy story. It is one of those spontaneous moments that can happen between friends who crave for something more but are a little afraid to say something.
I love that line too. I was writing the story and then I realised that Rose could so easily use her wand, but that would ruin the moment, so that line basically sums up why, even though she is a witch, she stood there cold and wet :) Report Review
I really loved it. It was so cute and fluffy - and that's always good ;) The first person and present tense were both absolutely fine - it didn't feel forced at all and the originality of the piece (especially the kiss!) was lovely.
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review, i'm glad you enjoyed it. It is such a light fluffy piece that was so much fun to write and it kind of wrote itself. Report Review
I am not a big Next Gen fan but I've done a lot of reading this summer and I'm starting to like it. I've read a few ScoRose stories and I enjoyed this one a lot, even if it was written in first person which is not a favorite of mine. I did notice that you kept switching between 'you' and 'Scorpius' so it was hard to tell what point of view you were writing in. You did a fairly good job staying in present tense though you did write a few sentences in the past tense.
Then he turned to me "Come with me Rose."
we met Hagrid by his hut for our detention
Also, with that first example there should be a period after 'me.'
Is Scorpius in Gryffindor then? Since they're in the same CR...
A few other mistakes I noticed:
I tried my hardest to concentrate on discussing the potion at hand and to hide all the cliqued sensations of love that were flooding my system. - I think cliqued should be cliched? Otherwise it doesn't really make sense.
You have some issues with no capitalizing proper nouns, more specifically Peeves and I think Care of Magical Creatures wasn't capitalized.
I shouldn't have been surprise at - this sounds awkward...I think that it should be 'surprised' but that's not present tense so you may want to rework that sentence a bit.
"Are you okay," I ask at your pitiful figure - there should be a question mark, not a comma since Rose is asking Scorpius a question
rain coast - rain coat
"That is has," I reply, - is should be it
Otherwise, this was a really enjoyable read. It was interesting to get inside Rose's head as she admitted that she had a crush on Scorpius and how hard she tried to not be like all the other girls. I love reading first kisses! There's something so innocent and sweet about them and this is no exception. :)
I really liked the last line: The only question now is, when did I break you? I think it was a great way to end this story because we hear everything from Rose's POV so it leaves us wondering when exactly it was that Scorpius began noticing her as more than a friend, especially because he isn't one for relationships.
A very cute, enjoyable read. Good job. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for such a details review. I've got a beta reader to go through this one for me because I know I would have missed heaps of the past and present tense things when I edited it. I'm waiting for the edited version now.
I'm glad you liked the end. Sometimes I agonisise over how to end a story, but this one really did just write itself. I'm glad you liked my rendition of a first kiss; the situation is loosely inspired by a true story, except the paddock was full of cows not blast ended shreets (thankfully).
Thanks again for this review, it has been super helpful :) Report Review
Wow. That was really good! I liked your portrayal of Rose (and Scorpius) and the writing was just amazing. You have so much detail/description in there! Great job. I also liked the whole "you broke me/when did I break you" thing, it was pretty interesting. I'd say it was fantastic for your first attempt at a 1st person present tense story... I admit, it would be hard for me to do that. I'd probably keep switching tenses. Well, anyways, I think this was an excellent story. ;D
Also.. if you ever have some spare time, could you R&R my ff "Darkest Night"? It's a Dramione. Don't know if you like them, but if you're interested I'd really appreciate it! Thank you!
Keep writing! ~ flufff
8.5/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I'm really happy that you enjoyed it so much. It was a bit of challenge at first doing 1st person/present but it slowly fell into place.
And, yay...you liked me ending. Sometimes I struggle coming up with the final words, but these ones came to me really easily. Report Review
That was really sweet! Good job.
The only problem I have is that you keep switching from second person to first person and back. That was a bit confusing and annoying.
You were much more successful keeping it in present tense.
I really like this little oneshot! Keep up the good writing.Author's Response: I have had a beta reader go over the story for me and correct all those 1st person and 2nd person things. I'm really happy that you enjoyed the story and thanks for reviewing Report Review
Amazing story, I really, really, really enjoyed it! I loved the way it was written, I've never read anything written like that before. It worked really well.Author's Response: Thank you so much. It was quite a different way of writing for me and I'm so happy to know that you enjoyed it. Report Review
i think this was great!! Is there going to be a Scorpius POV? I agree that writing first person is impossible! I switch back and forth so much I just gave up. Super cute and not cheesy. :)Author's Response: I had never thought of doing one for Scorpius' POV but that could be very interesting. It was a little hard at first to swap to 1st person, but I got the hang of it. It worked though for this story. I'm glad you enjoyed it Report Review
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