Hi, it's macadamianwonders with your requested review.
I think you characterised Snape beautifully. He wasn't OOC at any point.
"He wanted to die with her but yet again James had done what he should’ve done."
This line I loved. It showed his jealousy of James, which is sometimes overlooked, and just how much he really loved Lily. All in one sentence. :)
The flow, I had no concerns with. The story was not at all disjointed.
Now, the idea of this story was brilliant. Now that I look back at it, I am surprised it is actually so short. The scene was so simple that you could fully flesh it out in the number of words you have. This scene also happens to be fresh in my mind because of DH part 2, so I kept picturing Alan Rickman crying out in anguish. It really is powerful and probably one of my favourite Snape moments. And the bit with Harry and how he apologises to Lily at the end were so touching.
One thing I'd like to point out. I thought some of your sentences were rather long, moreso in the beginning. Some had a few too many commas and I sort of got lost halfway. Breaking them down into shorter sentences would help readability.
Otherwise, lovely story :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!
hehe... ehm... I kinda know about the long sentences with a gizzilion commas (my teachers are on them too). I'm trying to improve but it doesnt always work :/
(frustrating!) but anyways thank you so much for R &R ing I'm really happy that you liked the story and the idea behind it :)
I'm thinking about making this more than just a one-shot (already written the next chapter just waiting for another story to be validated first), focusing on Snape and how he reacted to Lily and James death... as well as the options he had to make since it changed his whole life and his alliances.
He's one of my favourite characters and I'm happy that you think I gave him the right voice :)
thank you again! and I hope you'd like to continue reading this story :)
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I'm way out of my comfort zone here .. sorry. But I do like it. It sets the tone nicely for the rest of the story.
[ never raise her hand to brush that amber hair out of her eyes, or turn to look at him with a smile.
But she wouldn’t have done any of those if she’d been alive either ]
Love these two lines. For me, they made the chapter a whole lot sadder - more sad? - because I could feel for Severus. It must've been so hard for him to "take care" of Harry. This is a tough subject to tackle, but so far you've done well.
This first chapter was well-written and really said all it needed to. Normally I'm the first to jump and scream: 600 words?! That's not a chapter. Make it longer! - yeah, I'm weird like that.
But here it's perfect. The shortness makes it even more powerful.
Let me know when you've updated this. Would love to read more.
forum name: xdaanana
house: slytherin]Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing despite it not being in your comfort-zone:) the review made me really happy because I was kind of unsure about the whole plot and of the formatting (well, not unsure of the story but of what other's would think of it)
I used to think like that about chapter too but then I realised that a chapter can be as long as I want it to be... and with this story I'm aiming for short chapters showing Snapes feelings and dilemmas...
thank you so much again, really means alot :)
off to review something of yours now!
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