Reading Reviews for Dark Sacrifice
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by magicmuggle01 The Speech

3rd February 2012:
Order of Merlin first class well deserved. Congrats to Steph. And that speech was fantastic. Winston Churchill himself couldn't have done better.
A well written chapter. 10/10.

Author's Response: Thanks. Much appreciated. Glad you're enjoying this. :)

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Review #2, by magicmuggle01 Devotion to Duty

3rd February 2012:
Excellent. Nicely written. Full of action and mystery. 10/10.

Author's Response: Thanks. This is the only review I'd not responded too and it nagged my conscience every time I look in my unanswered reviews! :D

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Review #3, by magicmuggle01 Conspiracy

3rd February 2012:
I wonder where Godber and Brisking are going that late at night? And what are they doing in the basement? I must move on and find out.

Author's Response: Up to no good I'll bet. ;)

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Review #4, by Sam Devotion to Duty

22nd September 2011:
unfortunately. you've fallen off the wagon. Half the things don't make sense. What happened to the new class? The new teacher? Dumbledore and Moody taking classes? Why Harry needed his broom to go to Hogsmeade I'm not sure, but he left it there. I'm a bit over it. Individually they're ok. Coherent whatever. But there's no flow to the story as a whole. AT ALL

Author's Response: There was nothing relevant to the story in those classes that day. But you're saying the reader would expect classes there and it felt wrong to jump forward? Only the GMK class teacher will be relevant later but I felt I had to say who was taking over the defence class but that won't be relevant to the story.

The broom was only for speed. Harry was supposed to be tailing Godber & Brisking but they were far ahead and it is a long way. Once there, I knew Harry couldn't keep the broom or he could have escaped.

Maybe the lack of flow is due to my writing the story in separate sections and inserting them where needed like a jigsaw puzzle.

Well, your feedback is greatly appreciated Sam and gives me a lot to think about for future writings. The next chapter is already submitted so should appear in a few days. I hope you stick with it!

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Review #5, by Sam Conspiracy

22nd September 2011:
I'm getting more and more bored. No fringe characters. No sideplots really, just plowing on through the story. SLOW DOWN LOOK AROUND.

Author's Response: Ouch. Yes I see now I'm rushing it forward and virtually listing the things essential to carry the story but not describing them in a very interesting or enjoyable way.

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Review #6, by Sam Corbin's Revenge

22nd September 2011:
So-so. Getting bored tough.

Author's Response: Yep, agreed. This was inserted to introduce the Oratio Inspiratori potion. Reading it now it's about as boring as the studying Ron & Harry were doing. D'uh!

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Review #7, by Sam It's Only Words

22nd September 2011:
Good use of Snape. I really liked the way you built the tension there. But I hate that you were in the Dungeons (I assume) and you didn't mention them at all! More detail. More life!

Author's Response: More description. Got it. :)

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Review #8, by Sam A Charming Companion

22nd September 2011:
Please proof read. There were a couple shockers in there. But it still read well and you nailed Hermione and Ron's dialogue there at the end good stuff. But still the world, man, the world! You're too stuck on characters and the plot. Describe the WORLD

Author's Response: Thanks. Two points here:

I see now I need to put in more world description. I think I was influenced by many fanfics repeating what was already described in the originals. I got bored reading some stories going over and over the sorting ceremony, the seating position, they way the food arrives, etc. etc. Anyone reading these fanfics already knows that very well. But I should have put in more other description.

Proof reading. Believe it or not, I reviewed and checked every section as I wrote it 5 to 10 times. Then I beta read the whole 58,000 word story at least 6 to 8 times (2 after it was published.) So it's not for lack of trying. I'll beta read it again, particularly this chapter. That is something I can fix even if I can't rewrite the story better.

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Review #9, by Sam The Murder Prophecy

22nd September 2011:
`Hey that was way better! It read far better. I thought you set the scene really well. But a good part of the mystery surrounding prophecies is that they're done in confidence. Ie: Snape, Dumbledore and Trelawney with the prophecy regarding Voldemort and Harry, or just Harry with the one regarding Wormtail. But this was done in a public place in one sentence! You could have set it up that they were walking through a corridor and done a rhyming poetic prediction like the others...! But other than that small quip I thought this was good. Hermione's dialogue was more on the money. Ron's little thought about the origins of the new students was great. All interesting and good. You just need to get swept up in the world a little more. That's why it's such a great series, because of the world. Don't get so caught up in getting the plot across in bullet points, allow the reader to pull at the plot and make their own predictions etc whilst they get swept up in the amazing world!

Author's Response: Thanks. Good. Again, I probably should have gone back and checked how the prophecies were written. Here I just did it from memory - probably more from the movie than the book - and just stuck it in somewhere. It could have been developed more.

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Review #10, by Sam Back to School

22nd September 2011:
`Ok, there were some good moments iin there. But overall I thought it was pretty jerky. The numbers joke was waffle that didn't really excite me. You set up the Seph character well but she didn't really do anything! You can't spend half a chapter setting up a character for nothing! haha... Also the broomsticks thing is a little bit jarring. I don't think they would bother using broomsticks... If they're invisible they'd get on board. if not they certainly wouldn't fly. Not Aurors. No way not in daytime.. Sucked me out of the world you're trying to create. Sticking with you though!

Author's Response: Thanks. Yes, I can see now the numbers thing is poor author-humour not Hermione-humour. I think I was just trying to bring out the difference in Ron & Hermione's characters regarding studying.

As I recall I think I probably thought invisibility would be a liability on a crowded train.

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Review #11, by Sam Betrayal

22nd September 2011:
`Hey, you've done pretty well here. I liked the use of Ron and Hermione's relationship. I also think the way you were planting seeds like with the Weasly breakfast table was good. However, there are a few grammatical errors that are small but hurt the flow of the story; I also think you missed that vital thinly veiled politeness of Voldemort. That's what gives him a lot of his fear factor. Because he goes from being polite but picking apart every detail of what someone is saying to him, like interrogation, to scaring them witless with his unmasked hissing fury. Without the reminder of his "cold high pitched voice" and "mirthless laughter" and the aforementioned interrogatory polite dialogue, the dynamic of the death eater/dark lord relationship is glossed over. And it takes away from the story. All in all though, not bad reading.

Author's Response: OK, thanks for feedback. This is exactly what I want.

As for Voldemort - I'll have to go back and remind myself how JKR did it to capture him better.

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Review #12, by magicmuggle01 Corbin's Revenge

26th August 2011:
Hermione can be such a devious person at times. Remind me not to make any deals with her LOL :0. Another excellently written chapter. 10/10.

Author's Response: Yes - but she might be a bit too devious later on. ;) Poor Hermione. It is so unfair. :)

Next chapter is being validated so just a day or two and it should be public.

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Review #13, by magicmuggle01 It's Only Words

25th August 2011:
Typical Snape, (lets mess up Potters life again time). Yes indeed some things never change.
Another good and enjoyable chapter and I look forward to reading the outcome of the test. 10/10 and plz update soon.

Author's Response: Thanks. Sorry this chapter was about the shortest of them all but the next is already in the pipeline and should only be a few days. :)

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Review #14, by scorpio weasley A Charming Companion

24th August 2011:
i liked that story very much and hope you come up with others like trhis one

Author's Response: Thanks Scorpio. There are another 50 chapters and the next one should appear in a few days. I think the later chapters are better than the first few.

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Review #15, by magicmuggle01 A Charming Companion

23rd August 2011:
Another good chapter. I wonder what the planning was concerning Harry? 10/10 and plz update soon.

Author's Response: Thanks.

On a side note about that planning. I suddenly realized Lucius Malfoy is in Azkaban during this story so I've substituted Yaxley to run Lucius' plan (see chapter 1) - but it makes no substantial difference, he's only mentioned here and there. :)

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Review #16, by magicmuggle01 The Murder Prophecy

21st August 2011:
Wow, another great chapter. How did you come up with the GMK class? It will be interesting to read about that when you write about it.
The murder prophecy sounds interesting, I can't wait to read about that. 10/10 and plz update soon.

Author's Response: Thanks magicmuggle01. The General Magical Knowledge class I invented really so I could add the new teacher, Professor Anthea Bingley, without removing any other teacher. She's kind of unusual. Well, I guess all the teachers are unusual in their own way! ;)

Next chapter in a few days but the murder thing is quite a few chapters way ahead! :)

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Review #17, by magicmuggle01 Back to School

15th August 2011:
I take it Sephany will be playing a major role as the up coming story unfolds? I wonder if she could be one of the three people? Though I doubt you will be giving any answers away. Another good chapter and 9/10. Plz update soon.

Author's Response: Yes, Sephany does play a major role.

As for the three... hehe! :) You will have to wait I'm afraid! Glad you're enjoying it. It will not be long before the next chapter appears.

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Review #18, by magicmuggle01 Betrayal

15th August 2011:
An interesting start to your story. I wonder who the three are that you mention at the beginning? And will Hermione manage to help Harry? 9/10 for this chapter and to move onto chap 2.

Author's Response: I missed this because I think I responded to your later review first. Or maybe I though any answer would be a spoiler.

Anyway, rest of story slightly delayed because some chapters are slightly under the 500 word minimum so I'm going to merge some but it needs some thought...

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