Hello there! It's AC here reviewing for the Improvement challenge. Sorry its taken a little time for me to get your reviews to you, I was intimidated by the number I had to give out but I'm here now :)
SO, first thing I really liked your summary. I liked the poeticness of it all (love pretty language, me) so I was really excited about reading this.
First thing I noticed in terms of appearance was a bit on sentence construction. In this first bit My blue eyes traveled around the room, everyone was happy. Happy because Dominique had finally married. For one, 'traveled' should be 'travelled' and I thought could be punctuated in a much smoother, slicker way. I think My blue eyes traveled around the room; everyone was happy, happy because Dominique had finally married. works a bit better, although I've spent ten minutes wrinkling my forehead at it trying to work out but, point being, I thought there was a smoother way of stating it. Another thing is that you have 'I should walking' - just a simple mistake of missing the 'be' but because you have a few mistakes in that first paragraph it seems a little messy. I think most people forgive a few accidental typos, but when there are a few little things like that right at the beginning people are a little less forgiving. So, just make sure you go over the first couple of paragraphs over and over - reading out loud means that you're less likely to skip over mistakes too, which is really easy as you know exactly what it's supposed to say and sometimes just assume it does say so.
There are quite a few grammar related mistakes littered throughout the whole thing, too, particuarly when it comes to dialogue and dialogue tags. Those things are fiendishly difficult to get correctly, but on the forms there's a 'grammar guideline' section and their bit on dialogue actually saved my life - seriously, check it out, it's explained really simply with examples and such. Even though it might seem a bit tedious, getting your dialogue punctuated right elevates any piece of writing a lot in my opinion.
I really loved the little details you have with Victoire and Teddy debating whether or not Louis should be given anything else to drink - I'm not entirely sure whether they're in a romantic relationship at this point (I'm reading and reviewing at the same time), but it was a nice little familiar touch that I thought was really cute. Its details like that which sell a story :)
Also, I loved 'even while she was drooling Annabel managed to looked beautiful' (although, of course, it should be 'look' not 'looked).
I've got to say that Annabel seems like a bit of an idiot, all things considered, although I guess I can understand her reasoning of moving on after Louis left but, still, his brother? Really, that's pretty darn harsh.
Structurally, though, I thought you did pretty well with the whole thing - I liked the use of flashbacks throughout and I thought the transitions were pretty smooth and not to heavy handed. Although, I do have to say that it seemed like Louis had just got a new flat when he was about to move really really far away? I think you should have made it clearer that he'd gotten the flat quite a long time ago, or something, as it just struck me as quite illogical.
I also thought that Louis crying when he was at the wedding was unnecessary - although some men do cry, I'd say it's less common than weepy woman, and even with a woman I should think they would try not to cry in such a public place where there's a very real risk of someone asking what was wrong. So, I thought it might have made sense for him to go outside, then cry - or at least put up some resistance and try to swallow back the tears.
In conclusion, the main thing I thought was the mistakes. It seemed quite clumsy, in places and it is actually pretty easy to fix those things - just read back out loud, slowly, and you'll notice all those little errors that are quite jarring for you readers.
Thanks for entering, this was a really interesting one-shot that I did enjoy reading (I'm just focusing on the CC in the name of improvement) and good luck with the rest of the challenge! :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Hey sorry for taking such a long time to respond, thank you for such a lovely and detailed review :) I love this sort of CC so thank you. I'm glad you liked the summary.
I agree the writing seems clumsy in some parts, and thank you for pointing it out. Anna is pretty mean, but perhaps she never really loved Louis, maybe it was a school crush. *shrugs* True Louis does seem too sensitive, you know I never had anyone point that out so thank you, I take everything into consideration when I edit this (my author's page needs a mega edit!)
Thank you, I hope to do good on the rest of the challenge and thanks for the review it was really helpful :) Report Review
I thought that you did a great job at portraying the conflict Louis is feeling. His irritation and frustration at seeing Annabel with someone else came across quite well, and I really liked the way you wrote him as knowing that he wasn't being fair but feeling resentful anyway. It really helped me to understand what he was going through and why he was feeling so restless and angry. His disgust with himself definitely made the rest of his emotions easy to understand, especially since I think that most people have been there - blaming someone for something and feeling bad for doing so..
However, I did see two things that I think you could improve upon a bit to make the story stronger.
First off, sometimes the basic mechanics were a little bit off. You sometimes failed to use punctuation properly, especially around dialogue, and I also occasionally noticed little typos or examples of awkward word choice. I'd look over it again, or, alternatively, maybe consider looking for a beta. :) Second, and more importantly, I had a little difficulty following the sequence of thoughts. I think that part of that is that Dominique is typically written as a girl, and there was nothing in the summary to suggest that Louis was the PoV character, so I spent a few paragraphs trying to figure out what was going on. However, I think that that part of it was also that you sometimes left out information that I wished you'd included - I just would have liked a little more background on the situation, particularly in regards to Louis's relationships with his siblings.
On the whole, though, this was a nice one-shot, and I like the way you left the ending so open!Author's Response: Beezie thank you for your review. I never thought of suggesting Louis's pov in the summary mostly because I thought but I see where you coming from. (Duh daliha it's be obivous to you because you wrote it :P) Dominique is a girl's name but I saw somewhere it could be used for boys too so I switched but I should mention that somewhere too.
I'll get a beta for this one-shot an look it over (this is my favorite one-shot) I think I make it a bit longer because like you say I should have some background on his siblings.
I left the end open on purpose :D Mostly because I might return to it someday. Report Review
This chapter was so sad, and very well written. As I read the chapter I could totally tap into exactly what poor Louis was feeling and I so felt bad for the poor boy. It sucks to watch the person you love marry your sibling, that has to be the worst thing ever. I thought you did a great job with the chapter and I could tell that you really enjoyed writing it. Good job.Author's Response: Hello Ash :) Thank you I did enjoy writing this and I wanted to make this a multi-chaptered story but I don't have the time and Louis isn't cooperating either.
It is sad to see the person you love with another it happened to me on various occasions (they didn't marry my sister though thank god!)
In fact thanks to this my favorite next gen character is Louis (I feel he and Roxanne need more love.) Report Review
I like this. I love your character of Louis. I wonder how Annabel got together with his brother, though. What kind of person does that?!?! One thing that irked me was that every time you wrote 'I couldn't bear to ...' you spelled 'bear' as 'bare.' And I love the ending. Kind of mysterious, but makes sense at the same time, if that makes any sense.Author's Response: sorry about that mistake I didn't notice but I promise as soon as I can I will correct it :) Report Review
it was all very tragic, wasn't it? but i actually quite liked this one. your louis was a very sweet and hopeless romantic and easy to sympathise with. his final decision might've seeemed quite dramatic, but only one in his situation could fairly judge it i presume.
i really liked all the flashbacks. i felt like you developped his and annabel's relationship so well even if it was in such a short period of time. also, i must admit i liked james a lot at the very end. his last line there is just the right amount of unexpected wisdom and genuine concern. however, it does make me wonder how deeply louis took it to heart.
i also found it interesting how dedicated louis ended up being to her, though even after all that he still put his career first. obviously, i can understand why he wouldn't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship for what might've turned out to only be a crush, but i can't see why he wouldn't take the risk after a period of time! maybe it's just a really sad story.
the only negatives i really found were some little gramatical things. some words missing here and there and whatnot, but it didn't make the text incomprehensible or anything, so whatever. other than those few minor things it was over all very good ^^
sunday ./.Author's Response: Thank you, I actually fell in love with Louis, his decision was dramatic but I think it suited the situation.
I'm glad you liked the flashbacks. Louis loved Anna, but he was too cautious. If he hadn't Anna may have married him instead of Dom.
I'll correct the errors over the weekend and thank you for such a long and wonderful review :) Report Review
sorry it took me a million years(:
first off,very beautiful
it truly jerked some tears. Its just so heartbreaking,especially when everyone knows that this happens in real life:P
the emotions were incredibly overpowering,which is excellent!
too cute,heartwrenching,and fabulously done! Now,I have to go read some more of your stuff(:
10/10Author's Response: Thank you :) It's supposed to be sad so I'll sort of glad you had some tears, I actually based it off some real life experience. Poor Louis XD Report Review
Hey! Review swap brought me here :)
So this was pretty good, if a little melodramatic :) I feel bad for Louis, feeling like he should have taken a different path when it's too late. I liked how you included lots of characters in this because it gives kind of a neat perspective on the scene. I saw a few spelling errors and punctuation mistakes, but it's nothing that couldn't be fixed by extra proofreading.
academicaAuthor's Response: Thank you :) I felt bad writing this lol but Louis is just going to have to accept that life isn't perfect. I tried to include as many characters as I could after all it is a wedding.
I'll proofread this asap (when I'm done with BDITS)
Thank you for the review :) (I enjoy them loads)
I really enjoyed this story. I have become more open with more stories and as such I have been reading a lot of Next-Generation story and this is one of the best that I've read so far.
It has that sort of, original feel to it and I can feel the emotion that Louis felt through this chapter which was good :)
The way you wrote the flashbacks was really good, it defiantly felt like a memory and when he was reminiscing over things after the flashbacks, those bits were spot on.
I couldn't pick up any spelling mistakes however there was one small thing with the dialogue. When you finish a dialogue sentence it is common to put a comma or a full stop at the end, for example it's not "I'm sure Louis" it would be "I'm sure Louis."
Apart from that it was really good and I thoroughly enjoyed it :)
Good job and congratulations on third place! :D
Jaz, 9/10Author's Response: Thank you for the review, aww I'm thinking of turning into a short story. I'm starting to write next-gen for some reason I like Hogwarts era best *shrugs* I guess it's because you have more to work with.
Lol this was actually meant to be an original story but I adapted to Hp so it would fit the challenge I had entered. Thanks for the tip Jaz!
Hello! I really quite liked this, you wrote the characters beatifully and you could really feel poor Louis's pain. :)
Good work!Author's Response: Thank you! I've always wanted to continue this story now I think I will :) Report Review
I think your one-shot is really nice. I enjoyed reading it. I really felt sorry for Louis (but for Anna as well).
I only think you should have translated the bit of french when he is talking to Victorie. I don`t speak french (only german, english and very flawed russian) and I always find it a bit bit anoying when something french isn`t translated at some point (not in the actuall story, but in the authors note or something). I just always think I missed and importand part of the story.
I really think your story is nice, sorry that the part where I complained was bigger that the rest, because that was the only thing I didn`t absolutely love about this beautiful little story.Author's Response: I forgot to add the translation! My bad really XD It must have slipped my mind! Sorry and thank you for your review I'm glad you liked this one-shot :) Report Review
Awww. That was sad. :(
But good job! Cograts on getting 3rd place!Author's Response: Aww thank you :) I was happy I got 3rd place. Report Review
Awwwh, poor Louis! I was definitely feeling absolutely horrible for him as things went on, and irritated with Annabel for causing him such pain! D=
I think what might help is a quick sweep through of the chapter-- there were some points where you added a word or missed one, or just missed a letter. I also think you might have been missing a comma in some places, to break up a sentence- those evil grammar gremlins that bite us all. =P' jaw. Why' - and here, just forgot to put the " to let us know it was going back to dialogue. ^^
Other than that, I liked it! I'm kind of wishing there was another chapter, because I'd love to see where Louis goes and what he does! It was sweet and heartbreaking, but lovely none the less and certainly realistic in that, unfortunately, sometimes love slips by and the person you love goes to someone else!
-Cappie/HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review :) I'll look this over :) I just might give this another chapter just because I suddenly fell in love with Louis. Report Review
First - thanks for entering(: This was lovely. I enjoyed it and I thought it was refreshing and new.
I loved Louis. He was a little mopey but I guess that's understandable(; I felt so bad for him and it made me so angry at Annabel.
I thought your writing was lovely and you did a great job at the flashback. The entire story seemed realistic. It was a little bittersweet and a bit harsh, but believable. Things aren't perfect in reality and you portrayed that wonderfully. The only thing I didn't like as much was the abrupt ending. I wanted more!
Thank you for the entry!(: I loved it a lot!Author's Response: Thank you for the challenge :) Of course he'd be mopey, Poor thing really loved Anna :)
It was harsh but it is believable something similar happened to me with my ex :( So this was a bit hard to write.
Maybe later I'll write more XD Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection