I love this chapter- it's quite intense, but a massive relief because Ted's alive! (yay) And you explain a lot of things; tie up loose ends etc. I have to say, your dialogue is so realistic- I love it. Not halting, or abrupt or anything. It all flows really well. I also like the lengths of your chapters- they're short and sweet. That's what this story needs, really.
Good job here!!
-LWGAuthor's Response: People don't like to read long chapters, I know it from myself. Rather little chapters with a good cliff-hanger are the ways to keep a reader interested. And, yes, Ted is alive, huh? Haven't I told killing him was torturous. I had to redeem that. ;) Report Review
Ahh!! A nice almost-cliffie for your readers :)
I'm really warming to your use of multiple POVs, despite what I said in a previous review about it perhaps getting too confusing. It creates a nice overall picture- almost like a tapestry woven with many different threads, that create an overall picture. It's great that each of your POVs are so strong, and well characterised. So well done!
I loved having this Ron POV- and his opinion on the Malfoys is still the same as ever, I see :P
(sorry about these reviews being a litte short, by the way).Author's Response: Well, I'm glad you're getting used to the many POVs. This story has been a first to me from many point of views. It's the only one I have with all these points of view and I'm glad it turned out good. :) Report Review
This was an interesting chapter :) I wasn't too keen on the 'random muggle's POV' because it seemed a little unnecessary, but as I read along a bit more it began to make sense. I think you did it like that so the reader could hear the conversation without a main character's personal thoughts involved?
I'd just be careful about the switchy POVs :)
LWGAuthor's Response: It was necessary for anyone else to see it... to be seen through someone else's eyes, I mean, that's why there had to be a stranger/ random person and it had to be a muggle so he couldn't recognize them and maybe get in between. You'll see later why it had to be so. ;) Report Review
Hello! It's me! I'm sososo sorry about the sparse and in-between ness of these reviews but I promise they'll all get done :)
I like how we've got next-next gen characters! It's really interesting, and I think you've got a really good grasp on characterisation, through the whole story. I also really love the Lily Luna Potter/Scorpius-ness! I'm writing a story with Lily/Scorpius so I'm currently in love with the ship :)
LWGAuthor's Response: I have been told before how no much people use next-next gen characters and it's strange to read somehow, but I really love this, because I can have Next Gen, basically my favorite, not silly adolescents or youngers, but perfectly adults, which makes them have better developed history and characters.
I don't know why, but I'm never too keen on Rose/Scorpius (maybe because people make it seem as some new Romeo and Juliet and I don't really like those either, to be frank...). I love Scorpius/Lily really much - they're my favorite, really ( yes, above Tedoire). Report Review
Ted.dies? D: *sob* Oh crikey, that's harsh. I thought he'd have miraculouly survived or something.
The multiple view points are a little confusing in this chapter, but are good for getting people's perspectives on everything. I thought the emotion was a little lacking however, as someone's died.
The idea about the lifelines is VERY interesting! Can't wait to see where you take that ;)
lwgAuthor's Response: Oh, Ted dies! I had real trouble writing it... Ted is quite my favorite! I remember talking with a Word Document like an idiot, "Why won't you die!?" Hehe! Report Review
The “I wished I was just an idiot” moment worked really well, despite what you were saying in your author's note. It suited the story, and was an interesting thought. Things like that show really good quality of writing, and capture your attention immediately.
This was a really tense chapter! I can see the plot thickening ;) AND OH NO A CLIFFHANGER AT THE END!
The one thing i didn't understand-who where the people chasing them? It's a little unclear.
lwg :)Author's Response: Cliffhangers... I'm good at this, I like to think.
The people chasing them.. Well, it was all about the mission. They were caught in a trap. I think more details might have been added later... Report Review
Sorry these reviews are taking longer than I thought they would-life is busy. But you can rest assured that they /will all eventually get done!
Oh, I laughed so much as Victoire was throwing those vases at ted's head! And then how she took the flowers out o the vase first! bahaha ;) But the whole first scene is really touching, and shows such a sweet, close family.
I want to give them all big hugs!
It's an interesting choice of characters you have. It's almost a next-next gen story, which I've never seen before actually. And the way you use the different POVs is quite effective, and keeps the reader's interest.
I love how James Potter II is a Daily Prophet aditor. It adds another layer to the story.
LWG :)Author's Response: Oh, I had so much fun writing these Victoire bits! I laugh myself whenever I re-read them. I really wanted to draw this family scene really special and lovely! Report Review
Hi! So here's the first review :)
I think this is an interesting start!
But some of the paragraphs seem a little garbled, and the word order doesn't quite make sense. Especially in the first paragraph.
Also, dialogue. It's a little unnatural. I think it's due to an overload of emotion; which is good for an internal monologue but people generally aren't so expressive. I'm talking mostly about the line 'Yes, I’m retiring.I’ll turn my back to a world that does not want me, still surrounds me ... They suffocate me and occupy abusively time and space of my own. I feel like just running away: anywhere, aimlessly, without purpose, without limit, away – far away.' Also in the sppech part where Ted's quoting back at Roger something he'd never have remembered word for word.
But with a little swapping round, there are some really beautiful thoughts in this chapter. I love the paragraph about death in particular.
I loved the last line!
I may not get any more reviews done today, but hopefully they'll all be done by the end of the week! :DAuthor's Response: This kind of dialogue I think it's coming easier to me because of Dostoievski. If you read him, you'd see how people just express things directly, just how they feel it and still keep their thoughts enigmatic, which, I think, it's wonderful to use. It may seem unnatural, but it really happens in real life - with those people you know you can share whatever you think to, just like you'd speak to yourself. Report Review
Hello there! Now I appologise for the fact that, after this one, I'll have only left three reviews but I confess I wanted to get my read on so I could decided on the results of my challene quickly and because I have so little time at the minute I found myself just reading rather than reviewing.
I reckon I'll go back and review at some point (maybe) like I promised, and that might be right after I've finished this or at some point... like next week.
No need to thank me btw! I really didn't do very much, you managed this all by yourself - and I'm really impressed by how you managed to get it finished and stuff.
The plot was completely different to what I expected and I wouldn't have been able to predict it if I tried and I like the reactions to Teddy's death, and then to have him not die was even better.
What made me think: that at the end Teddy still maintained 'I should have been an idiot' sort of thing, which is interesting - I wonder whether he'll stick with that or not? The last bit, of course.
This chapter really wrapped things up nicely but you've now made it impossible for me to judge my challlenge. Oh dear.
Well, that's all for now! I enjoyed reading this :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Well, the plot thickens. Teddy is slightly idiotic for going off on a mission, but I'll probably forgive him (dependig). It's really nice to read about like. forty year olds. There aren't many stories about people when they're parents - pregnant, yes, but not parents.
Anyway, that's all I've got so say on this chapter I'm afraid - onto the next :)
-AcAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. :) Report Review
Hello there! Acrules here reviewing your challenge entry and I think I'm following so far (your Pm was very useful! And thinking about it, I'm begining to appreciate how hard/soul destroying it must have been to condense a whole novel worth of stuff into one PM - especially as it's YOUR novel, and therefore must be your baby - I couldn't do it!)
Anyway, these reviews might be a bit short because you've got a good many chapters - but I like the set up with Rodger, Teddy and the home stuff. It's looking good so far :)
-AcAuthor's Response: Well, we can't say it's a novel - it's just a short story. :) Just because it wasn't possible to put my little baby in a tiny PM, I chose to make just a little characterization. Thanks for the review, though. :)
Ramona Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. Please forgive me for the extremely long wait. My queue has just exploded for some reason lately and I've been busy with school and what no, but I'm so glad I finally made time for this! :)
This was a great introductory chapter. I love how you started it. It was slightly reminiscent with the description about time, and you captured the feel and emotion of that part perfectly. You got the point across so well, and I just thought it was a brilliant way to set up for the rest of the story and get things going. It was an awesome introductory tone. And then as you went to describe our memories and how limited we are, that was even better. It got mixed emotions from it, and it was all a good feeling.
Very good! And then the rest of the chapter followed well. I love all of your characterizations. They are very in character. I loved your portrayal of Ted. He seems like an awesome guy. There are so many different versions of him out there, but I felt like he was so real in this piece. You really got him across. I also like that you have made him older rather than the Hogwarts years or in his twenties which is when we often see him.
The dialogue was great. It all flowed perfectly, and there was a good sense of unity in it all. It wasn't rocky in the least, and it was easy to follow.
As for the sense of mystery to it, I think you set that up well with the introductory bit of the chapter. It is a little foreboding to the plot and definitely captivates me and pulls me in. It makes me want to know what's going to go on within this story. And then we go into the main plot, and it is definitely leading up to it. However, I haven't gotten deep enough in to elaborate any further.
I can't wait to read more though so I can fill you in on the mystery part of this though. I think you have definitely made a good set up here, and I can't wait to see where you take it! I think it will be excellent, and you have an awesome start to a great mystery here. Really well done!
I can't wit to see where you take this story! Thank you for requesting!
I'm sorry I can only hit the first chapter for now. My queue is huge, so I'm going to empty it out and I will be back for the next. But if you haven't heard from me soon, feel free to come request again!Author's Response: Really gotta come to re-request. Thanks very much for this. :) Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your requested review! :)
I only review a chapter at a time, so I can't comment on the mystery too much, but I do think that you've got an interesting premise so far.
My overall problem was more with the execution of the premise. Some of your phrasing just seemed a tiny bit off to me. One example of this was the quote you have at the top: "Trust in no one, especially not yourself" would work better stylistically as "Trust no one, especially not yourself" or "Trust in no one, especially not in yourself." Another was "Time passes really fast, that's sure" - that would have worked better as "Time passes really fast, that's for sure." They were very small errors, but there were enough that I found them distracting and wasn't always sure what you were trying to say.
The part that is from Ted's perspective was interesting, but I had a little bit of a hard time getting through it because it was a lot of dialogue. I have the same problem, so I can completely understand, but I would have liked to see some sign of what the setting was, and to have there be more context in general than what he was telling us and the straight dialogue, if that makes sense.
The other thing for me - and this is purely a personal preference - is that I had a hard time empathizing with the characters because they're men in their 40s. I'm not saying that it's wrong for you to have them as main characters or that you should change it, at all - I just wanted to mention it in case that personal preference got in the way of my appreciating the story. I try not to let it, but I'm not always successful, you know?Author's Response: Thank you much for the ideas in the beginning. I would have never spotted that - such silly mistakes that always pass before my eyes...
I know that men in their 40s aren't really what HPFFers work with. There's usually mainly teenage romance or of the kind. Maybe that's just why I wanted to try something new. I also know there was much dialogue in. Sometimes, people's thoughts are stronger than any description. Sometimes, the characters may think deeper than the author. Sometimes, the author lets the characters take the control. This story is very special for me, as I left the characters take the story in their hands, while all I did was a bit of guidance.
Anyways, thanks for the review.
Ramona Report Review
Great story, great plot, keep up the good work! This has to be one of the best stories out there!Author's Response: Awww! Thank you very much! Report Review
Ah! I need to know more! Really NEED to, like, now!
This is so good. I can't wait for the next chapter!
Sam.Author's Response: Haha! The 9th chapter is up now, btw. :)After that, one more chapter and DONE! Pff...I so loved writing this story... Report Review
Wow. This is so interesting, I'm already intrigued. I don't thnk I've read a story like this.
Sam. :)Author's Response: Sam! So glad to have you reading this. Report Review
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