Hahahahaha this should be good. I can't wait for your next chapter. So 10/10 and plz update very very soon. Adding you to both fav lists (story and author). Plz feel free to read mhy stories and tell me what you think. Report Review
Love the idea here! Harry, you've lived without magic for 10 years-sort of- I think you can live without it for five days! Report Review
Great job! For some reason, I really liked the first sentence because it reminded me of a fairy tale. I don't really know why but it did haha. I am really excited for this story!Author's Response: Thanks!! :) Haha ya I looked back at it and I see what you mean! I wasn't intending it to be that way. I'm glad you like the story and are excited! I'm hoping to add the next chapter soon, so be on the lookout!! Report Review
hahaaa this is great! another chap? pleeese! ;)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm hoping to add another chapter soon, so be on the lookout!! :) Report Review
Thanks for requesting a review from me! You have an interesting first chapter for what I'm sure will be a humorous story. The concept you have for a plot is very original and I think it lends itself to a lot of creativity in terms of what Harry and Ron can get themselves into.
Characterization-wise they don't seem in-character to me, but they don't seem too out of character either. To me they sound like four young adults hanging around babysitting...you don't really give each character their own distinct 'voice', if you know what I mean. Though I did chuckle when Ron was chanting that they should leave while they can.
I didn't notice any obvious spelling errors though grammatically, there were a few issues.
A couple of examples: 'Why do we even bother with these two?'. - that period shouldn't be there after the quotation mark.
Bill could only laugh at their faces, "One day when you guys have kids," he said, "You'll be willing to go just about anywhere to get out of the house!" - after 'faces' there should be a period. I would also suggest moving the 'he said' to the end of his dialogue so you don't have to deal with the mess of punctuation and capitalization when it comes to using a dialogue tag in the middle of a sentence.
But there really wasn't anything a quick read-through wouldn't be able to pick up. You could ask for a beta in the forums and they could help you clean up any mistakes. I find them extremely useful. :)
Overall, I think you have a great first chapter to what seems like an interesting plot. You definitely make the reader want to read more to find out what kind of trouble Ron and Harry can get themselves into. Just work a bit more on their characterization - remember how they act and talk in the books - and clean up your grammar a bit. Good job!
forsakenphoenix (Ravenclaw)Author's Response: Thanks for the review, sorry sometimes i can get out of character when i write, i hate it. I will get to work on improvements Report Review
Hey there! I decided to go ahead and cut you a break since you're new. In the future, though, if you want reviews from me or anyone else, you'll need to take the time to read through people's initial review posts. Not doing so is disrespectful, and many people (including me) will not review those who cannot take the time to comply with the rules. Just keep that in mind :)
This was a cute little story. You've got an interesting concept here, and your ending makes the reader want to see what will happen next. Your characterization wasn't bad, just a little simplistic. That is, it seemed like you characterized Hermione and Ginny similarly, and the same with Harry and Ron. They've got separate personalities, you know? The scenario depicted seemed fairly realistic, though.
Your grammar, spelling and punctuation weren't bad, although I did notice a few small things and another round of proofreading before posting certainly wouldn't hurt. You can also get a beta reader on the forum to look over your work if you like.
Nice job on your first chapter :) Thanks for requesting a review, and I hope my comments are helpful to you.
academica (Slytherin)Author's Response: Thanks! Sorry about that again. I won't skim anymore. :)
Ya, I realized that it was a little simplistic. When I started writing it, it was just for fun, and then I decided to post it, so I plan to develop them a bit more as I continue to write, or I'll go back and change it a little bit.
Thank you again! Your comments and advice are very helpful and I shall keep them in mind as I continue to write this story :) Report Review
Hey there, it's DarkRose from the forums, here with your review.
Good opening chapter! I think you have the potential here to write a really neat story.
Plotwise, I don't think you should worry too much--you have a solid idea. But the execution is what might trip you up a bit. You need to consider how you're presenting the story.
First off, characterization. If you look at how you're portraying Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny, you might notice that they aren't very similar to the versions of themselves you see in the actual books. Try to think more about how they would really act, and not bend them to fit the story too much. You DO have the liberty to do that, but if you do it too much, it will make people dislike your story.
Secondly, spelling and grammar. You didn't have too many spelling issues that I saw, but you do have some problems with grammar. My personal pet-peeve is double punctuation, which you didn't have a problem with. However, you did, in a way, overuse punctuation. There are so many exclamation points, it's like all of the dialogue is shouted. If that's not your intention, consider taking some of them out.
Other than those things, I think you're doing all right. Writing is a process, it's something that matures the more you do it. Don't worry yourself too much, just work on getting better. You're well on your way!
Good job! Keep up the good work!
--Emily (DarkRose, Ravenclaw)
P.S.- The forum name and house above are for the House Cup competition on the forums, don't worry about them. :]Author's Response: Thnaks :) ill be sure to follow your advice. Report Review
This was definitely a very good opening to a short story that you've set up here. I'm quite interested to see the comical things that you let Harry and Ron fall into while trying to be muggles. I'm guessing that Hermione and Ginny will intervene just a little for fun seeing as they were smiling to each other at the end? :)
You're writing is great! I saw no major mistakes that jumped out to me, so that made your story much more enjoyable when I read. And your characters are set up well for the humor that you are going to create throughout the story.
I definitely liked this part in the middle: "Leave while we can, leave while we can!" Ron said softly. Ron got up from his seat and headed for the door. Unfortunately, Hermione heard what Ron had said and enchanted the door so that they couldn't leave." It gave me a little chuckle as I read it.
I'm quite interested to see where you take this!
Happy Writing!Author's Response: Thank you so much. Haha I had fun writing that part, and it makes it even better knowing that you enjoyed it. I'll add the next part soon so you won't have to wait long to see where I take this story!! Report Review
Haha this was a really cute story and I loved reading it! You've got a really intriguing concept that I think you can definitely expand on, and your humor is subtle but entertaining. I am definitely interested to see where you take this, and I cannot wait until you add the next chapter!
Good luck!!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm excited to add the next chapter knowing that you like it and the way that I have set it up!! :) Report Review
haha I liked the end, this is really good so far, please keep adding to it. it's written really well and the whole plot idea I think is good even though I've only read one chapter!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it and I'm working on the second chapter, so hopefully it will be up soon!! Thank you so much for reading!! :) Report Review
This is a pretty good idea! Harry did last eleven years as a Muggle, but after a good 7+ years as a wizard I doubt he'll make it, and I definitely don't think Ron will!
Please keep going!Author's Response: thank you:) already writing chapter 2 Report Review
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