wow that was a good break up. its quite realistic because if hermione and ron did break up, it would be over a joke or a comment of his that rubbed hermione up the wrong way.
also, sorry my challenge got deleted. family problems and totally missed the deadline.
this was a great one shot and it had a happy ending - which i loved and a good song too :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm so sorry that your challenge had to be deleted I hope your family is now okay. Love Livvy x Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested.
And what a cute piece this was! I'm so glad you requested. This was an absolutely adorable piece. I hadn't read such a cute piece in so long. It was nice to read the fluff again, and you wrote it so well. Really well done!
I love how you started the piece. It was absolutely precious, and what adorable dialogue. I think you really chose the absolute perfect dialogue for that. It flowed perfectly and was so light-hearted. You really compelled the reader with it. IT was just perfect with the whole exchange of Ron and Hermione. I can really see Ron saying things like that, not believing in fairy tales and not truly knowing what they're all about. So clever. Wizards are raised in a different world with different circumstances, and you showcased that wonderfully here.
Their interactions throughout the whole thing were so perfect and lovely. You really did a great job with it. All the teasing, the yelling, the joking, and the humors yet serious dialogue at the same time was just perfect. I think Ron and Hermione could interact exactly like this, and I really loved it. It was so cute.
Your flow was perfect and so enjoyable. You mixed that clever dialogue perfectly in to the story with your descriptions, actions, and emotions of the story.
And their vows! Oh, their vows were lovely.
I thought it was all great. My only advice for the story, however, is to perhaps change the transitions a little. You underlined them and separated them from the rest of the text. This made the flow a little rocky at those parts, and the just felt so abrupt. Maybe you can do each transition by extending that one sentence into perhaps a paragraph of the times just flowing into one another. I think that would make it look much better and just more full.
That's really my only piece of advice about this piece. Everything else was perfect.
This was so cute and so enjoyable. Thank you for requesting!Author's Response: Aw, thank you! If I ever edit the story, I will definitley take your advice into account. I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Love Livvy xxx :) Report Review
The thing I detest the most in Romione fics is break up forever.. and you just did it.. accept the credit for ruining my day :(Author's Response: I hate them too!!! I had to do it though for the challenge. I'm sorry I ruined your day x Report Review
Sad. Well written but... sad. Really good though! :) Hope you keep up with this kind of... stuff.
I loved the qoute... Cuz thats what I usually do... Except no one gets it cuz they forgot what they said and I have to explain it... Which sort of ruins the whole revenge thing.
Anyway, this was REALLY good. 10/10Author's Response: Aha! Aw, thanks for taking the time to review! :) x Report Review
Well this was horribly depressing.
I was just waiting for Hermione to leave Danny and run to Ron. But sigh... No happy ending...Author's Response: Hahaha! I normally like happy endings, but. :) x Report Review
Hello, Ravenclaw_princess with your requested review.
This was a very nice little story and I'm really happy that Hermione ended up with Danny in the end. There was a moment where it looked like she was having doubts. I liked how strong Hermione was in realising that Ron was not the guy for her and leaving him for someone better. Ron showed just how childish he was with his action and proved that Hermione was such much better off without him.
There were a few issues with flow and pacing. I would take away the '2 days later' etc and instead show the passage of time through you story. ie "Two days later, Hermione and Ron were sitting at home when Ron suggested they put on the wireless" (that's just a simplistic example) By doing this, the story will flow better as one cohesive unit.
On my first read through, I thought that there wasn't that much detail, esp where dialogue was concerned, but this is more of an optical illusion of the formatting. There is actually quite a lot of nice detail and description throughout your story. Anyway, back to my point, all your dialogue is separated onto different lines which disconnects it from the character who is saying it, which also disconnnects it from the action and emotions of the character, hence me feeling like there was a lack of detail.
eg, these two line could be combined together because the actions and the dialogue are both associated with Hermione.
Hermione wiped her eyes, and gave a brave smile.
"Your right!" Lets go and get married!"
If the dialogue and actions are about a different person or the person talking changes, then have it on a new line. I hope this makes sense.
I liked the internal thoughts of Hermione as she is walking down the aisle and the detail of the surroundings. I recommend adding a little more to the first half of the story, esp where Hermione's emotions are concerned to really show how annoyed with Ron she is. This will make the beginning not feel quite so rushed and balance it with the wonderful ending.
Grammar and spelling seemed pretty good. I didn't notice any problems.
Thanks for requesting the review. I really liked your story and your portrayal of Ron and Hermione's break-up. I could just imagine Ron doing something like that and Hermione finally having enough. Well doneAuthor's Response: Thank you! When I next update the story and put a CI in there, I will make the changes you have suggested. I'm glad you really liked it, and there is a sequel, and I will request a review on that when it's posted. Love Livvy x :) Report Review
AngelofDoe here. Here's your review for entering the challenge.
This is quite an interesting take on the wizard not understanding the muggle world. I like how it's used as the fight between Ron and Hermione and how it implies that one small thing can change the future.
The paragraphing seems a bit off to me. Maybe work that a bit and your stories could flow better.
It was an enjoyable read and thank you for entering the challenge.
Lollie :DAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! I am going to do something with the paragraphs, thanks for pointing it out. I can't wait for the results *crosses fingers hopefully* Love Livvy x Report Review
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