Your descriptions are amazing. The first section - wow! Amazingly atmospheric. For me it seems so poignant that she's out on the Quidditch pitch, seeing as you've already shown by a few references that it's really important to her. I predict Quidditch is going to feature heavily in the plot, though I'm not sure why yet. I'm curious about her relationship to Draco, too. At first she was so aggressive with him, but then there seems to be a gently, almost caring nature about her. She's being cruel to be kind, and I want to know why.
Merry Christmas!Author's Response: Hi Father Christmas, thanks very much for my gift! :D I'm glad you liked the start to this, I hope you enjoy the rest of it as well. You've picked up on a lot already which I'm glad it came across in that way. I'm looking forward to seeing your reaction to the rest of the story as it unfolds. Thanks for the review! :) Bobby xx Report Review
Love it! :) Glad to see you're back and I hope you're enjoying your little one! :)Author's Response: Hey how's it going? Thanks for stopping by and leaving a review, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully I'll get some more time while my little girl sleeps to write up a few more and start posting - the opportunities sadly are few and far between, she's very hyper! Must be why we get along so great hehe! Thanks again, take care! :) Report Review
Me again. :)
I'm going to continue to harp on you about getting a Beta reader--now you listen to me, missy! ;) There are some grammar mistakes, and I won't point them all out, but the first one is that "The way things are are bollocks" should be "The way things are is bollocks," because the subject is the "way" (singular), not the "things" (plural.)
I like the insight into the Slytherin table, something I (personally) rarely get to see in fanfiction. I also like that Draco isn't the spoiled, snobbish "leader of the pack" like we see from Harry's POV in canon. It's much more realistic this way, with his friends telling him to drop it, etc.
Maybe you want to split up Pansy's introduction with the paragraph about Tary freezing in her seat. Because we had the entire dialogue to read without explaining that it was an interjection from a third, unknown person, the reader logically assumes it is Tamara responding and that can be a little confusing.
I do like that Draco didn't stand up for Tamara, though, but watched her. It shows that he has interest in his friend but is still Draco-esque enough to not come to her rescue. However I thought him being comforting was a little OOC; maybe if he was more embarrassed and indignant to be calling down at her to come downstairs? Also who is this "they" that Draco is talking about? I thought Pansy was the only one making fun of Tary.
Although I'm very interested to see why she's "mentally unbalanced!"Author's Response: Hi Sarah, thanks again for the review! Gah, I feel like I just had a finger waggled at me in a teacher-like way haha, took me right back to school. Was terrifying! I'll get right on that!
Thanks for the tip about the Pansy introduction, makes sense to me. Will have to revise it soon :) And I'm not going to give away Tary's secret just yet, you'll have to keep reading to find out, hehe! :) Thanks for the review, much appreciated and again, thanks for the tips! Hope you enjoy the next chapter! Bobby xx Report Review
This fic needs some love! Really nice banner and interesting formatting of chapters. I'm excited to read!
Your introduction was really beautiful. One thing that I believe may help is to remove some of the words "weather," "rain," "heavy rain," "droplets," etc. I think you're just re-stating what we already know and it detracts a bit from your lovely use of language.
In the first chapter "the loud sound of books" should just be "books" falling--otherwise it reads as though she's still holding onto the books but the sound is the thing actually dropping to the ground.
You also switch tenses a lot--"it is not" and "was not," etc. Maybe you should look into getting a Beta reader? They really help out! And the forums have a thread where you can find one. "For Pete's sake" and "meanie-butt" are definitely Americanisms, something a Beta could help out with as well :)
Whoa, best friends with Draco? That certainly threw me for a spin. Didn't see that coming after he knocked her on the ground! I'm interested to see where this goes, as in what kind of friendship they have that Tamara would put up with that kind of behavior! It was nice, and very Draco, that instead of actually apologizing for being a complete ass he carried her books for her. I also liked your ending with the fire-breathing Draco.
Continuing on!Author's Response: Hi MVR, thanks for stopping by to give me such a detailed review, I really appreciate it! :)
Haha, yes I know sometimes I can go overboard with the descriptive words; I'll be the first to admit that I get lost in them, but I was going for a romantised view of the world to start off with, as the story gets much darker from there, and *hopefully ;)* it'll get back to that nicer view on life for Tary as the story continues. But yes, I do see your point otherwise, I do get lost in description a lot!
Thanks for the grammar check ups - and I had to laugh that you think I'm American with the way I write... Aussie, m'dear :) A right side closer to the English-English dialogue than American's in my time writing. I actually thought I changed Pete's sake to Merlin's sake, but I clearly forgot to so thanks for letting me know about that too.
Yea, I'm trying to go for something different whilst keeping the die-hard Draco fanatics happy. I don't necessarily believe he's a good person (even if towards the end of the series JKR did give his character a pardon to an extent), but writing a nasty bugger 24/7 does get pretty old rather quickly, to write and to read lol. Thanks very much for the review and for giving it to me straight, much appreciated! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story to follow, Bobby xx Report Review
Love it, so nice to have you back on HPFF again, I'm still hoping you'll repost Accidents Happen as it was my favorite. :) Cheers Kate!Author's Response: Haha, yea it's good to be back and about, trying to get back into this. I have a 4 month old baby girl now, so it's a little harder, but then again since having her I've been more active on HPFF and TDA than before it for a long while haha!
I will try and post Accidents Happen up on here, after a good edit to make sure everything is all ok with HPFF rules etc, bit unsure with some of it, we'll see lol. Take care! :D xx Report Review
This chapter really gets your adrenaline pumping, PLEASE write more!Author's Response: It's on the way, thanks for the review, sorry for the seriously belated reply! Bobby xx Report Review
W-O-A-H!!! Seems to be all I can think when I'm reading your story!! :D Please, please update soon :D I love being impressed by amazing fanfiction :DAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for your kind review, really appreciate it and I'm glad that you're enjoying it and humbled to hear that you think it's "amazing fanfiction", thank you! Next chapter on its way! Bobby xx Report Review
I hadn't realized this was a Draco/OC! AU then, I suppose? I'm not sure what Tamara's relationship with Draco is like. He seems to treat her very harshly, and I wonder how they formed their friendship in the first place, although she can clearly hold her own (though, that sort of thing can get sue-ish!). I suppose I'm less used to Draco being in a casual school environment, with friends he can joke around with.
I love love love your description with the spilling inkpots and books as she fell. A very... complete? description. Well, I could see it all happening in slo mo, if that makes sense xD I also really like how she describes things in her mind, what with all the dragon references :D Silver-haired fire breathing dragon, snerk.Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the review. Yes, its a AU but as canon as I can keep it. I don't believe Draco would be without humour 24/7, and since they're his closest friends, I imagine that he would be willing to relax a little around them. I'm glad you liked the description, sometimes I know I can get lost in it, so glad I hit the mark. Hehe, yea, Silver-Haired fire breathing ferret more like ;) Thanks for the review! Bobby xx Report Review
Ooh. Your description is simply beautiful! Can I just take a moment to enjoy them? the onslaught of the pendulous weather particularly stands out to me. eee!
Your flow is really excellent, as well. Everything is smooth and sort of... melts into each other, if that makes any sense at all. It's lovely!
I liked how you introduced your characters. I wouldn't have guessed that Tamara and Draco were friends at first. I like Tamara - she seems to stand up for herself and is able to think for herself, which I like in a character. Draco also seemed pretty in character - you didn't make him magically all wonderful, happy-go-lucky, sunshiney. He's a bit of a prat, actually, but he's got a nice side to him too. All good things!
Can I be a bit nitpicky? I noticed a few little grammar things. "the castles mighty structure " should be the castle's and "I was far too use" should be used instead. Nothing that detracted from the quality of reading at all - they were just some things that I thought I'd point out. It was excellent that I couldn't find any big mistakes though, and I was forced to resort to being picky! (sorry!)
I loved this idea of Draco as "the gaunt silver haired fire breathing dragon". heh :) Really amazing!
You've done a great job here and this deserves way more reviews! I'll definitely be back to read the next ones. Wonderful work all around! ♥Author's Response: Hi Snapdragons, thanks for stopping by! Hey, enjoy it all you want, I'll go put the kettle on :)
Glad you enjoyed the characterisations and descriptions, thank you, and thanks for being nitpicky too! Appreciated! I'll go fix those things (sometimes I misplace my Grammar Nazi hat, shame!) Thanks for your review! Hope you enjoy the next chapters to follow! :) Bobby xx Report Review
Back to review this final chapter :)
You've got your plot progressing nicely here, although I must say not very much has actually happened yet but you're writing it in such a life-like way that I can totally forgive you that. I'm hoping to see some more stuff coming along in the coming chapters :)
I like all of your characters and they all seem pretty realistic (although they're all very nice considering their Slytherins...) and, I know this may sound random, but I'm half convinced the letter at the beginning was penned by McGongall. That was spot on. I was seriously impressed (and this is coming out patronising, but I don't mean it too).
Another great chapter, I'll be continuing to read :)Author's Response: Hey AC, thanks for stopping by - again, lol. Glad you're enjoying everything and you think it's coming across nicely with good characterisation and flow. You're so kind, really appreaciate that. Thanks again! Bobby xx Report Review
THIS HAS NO REVIEWS. No reviews is just rubbish, so I'm probably gonna read and review the next chapter too.
This story definately deserves having more reviews because it's really good: you've introduced your characters smoothly into the story and it wasn't too much despite their being a few of them, and you've suddenly completely thrown me off guard with this curve ball. I'm really interested to find out more about this (not meant in a sick way whatsoever) and it was a really sensitive way of introducing a topic.
Draco is, yet again, brilliantly in character. I like his ranting (although I must stand up for Minnie here - I'm sure she's always fair and unbiased :P) and yet again, this was a great chapter.
Onto the next :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Hi AC, thanks for taking pity on me lol. Yea, still quite low in the review factor, slowly climbing but it is a little sad, won't lie. Glad you enjoyed it, and haha, I think you got the OC's name wrong. Dunno where you got Minnie from XD Thanks! Bobby xx Report Review
Your writing style really is impecable. It flows so well and there are none of thoes awkward little slips when you have to read the sentence again.
I like your character too, and the rain and Draco having a sensitive side but still being a bit of a jerk. He seemed pretty in character from what I could make out here.
Speaking of the rain all the descriptions to do with that in the first paragraph were really beautiful :)
My only critism would be that its short and not much happens - but that's probably just my preference for longer chapters shinning through.
-ACAuthor's Response: Hey AC, thanks again for the review, you're a machine, and very kind! Fast on the updates, I promise, which is hopefully faster than the time it takes for me to respond to reviews, shocking lol. Thanks again! Bobby xx Report Review
Though I'd stop by your account and give you a present!
Why doesn't this have any reviews?! Well, now it does : D lol
I loved how you described Draco, 'the gaunt silver haired fire breathing dragon.' Honestly, people are missing out! I really like how Astoria has dumped him serves him right for being a posh twit. I LOVE your writing style, Husha - oh, sorry Bobby Dazzler! So used to it forgive me :P:P Your descriptions never cease to amaze, and even though I'm talking about most of it in particular I'm talking about this bit:
"The rain was falling down around me, drenching my clothes and my hair; even my lips were trembling with icy water. There was just no stopping the onslaught of the pendulous weather.
It fell down from an easterly direction, beating against my face, chest, arms and legs. The rain didn't stop. I stood there, in the middle of the quidditch pitch of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the appalling weather as if I were nothing but a mere wisp of shadow, but I was not alone. Only the thin rays of light coming down from the castles mighty structure that managed to penetrate through the lateness of the hour and the heavy rain were betraying my position to the outside world, though not by much."
Anyway, I think the only thing stopping you from getting reviews is that you don't have a banner! I volunteer, I volunteer!
10/10Author's Response: Why hello Rach, and how're you going? Long time no see lol. Nice that some of the old friendships on HPFF still can be found, as it has been a while lol. Hope you're well and sorry for the extremely late reply to this review, life's gotten hectic (I'm a mum now!!! :D)
Thanks very much for stopping by to review, much appreciated, and yes, shhh... don't tell people my old name on here, the old stories might still linger lmao! XD Take care my friend! Kate xx Report Review
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