Hey there! It's DarkRose from the forums, here with your review:
Really awesome opening chapter! I really liked it quite a bit. 10/10 which is rare from me, haha.
I think you have flawless characterization and I really like how you've portrayed Rose. Also, the interaction between her and Scorpius was priceless. I loved it.
I wonder if they're already together! That would be something interesting...that's how it is in the only Scorose I've ever written, haha.
A couple things you might want to change: in this sentence, "The light from the overheads were blinding which caused his head to pound even more." Should it be "the CANDLES overhead"? The way you've written it makes it sound like flourescent (Muggle) lighting...
Also, several times you refer to Scorpius, etc. as "the male." This just seems awkward. I think what you're trying to do is avoid using "he" too often, but I really wouldn't worry about that. "He" sounds better in every case, when opposed to "the male." Just an idea... :]
Other than those mistakes, things were great. No tense-confusion, like you were concerned about. Spelling and grammar were fine, and I wouldn't worry about breaking up the paragraphs too much--it's your style; it doesn't make it harder to read.
Wonderful job! Keep up the good work!
--Emily/DarkRose/DracoFerret11Author's Response: Hey thanks for coming by so quickly! I honestly didn't expect that! Anyways, thanks again. 10/10? /jaw drop. I feel special, thanks for the ego boost. XP
Anyways, I appreciate that you like the way my Rose is. I feel that her being too much like her mother is a cliche so I rather like having her take after her father more. I'm not going to give too much away but you're definitely on the right track.
Argh! I knew there was something I missed in there, that sentence was supposed to read "The light from overhead..." I honestly didn't realize I said overheads /facepalm. (Me and my muggle ways, hahaha)
Now that you mention it, "the male" does sound kind of awkward. And you are correct, I try not to use pronouns too much because it confuses me at times. I don't know how "the male" makes that any better though. >.> But yeah.
I'm glad I haven't been mixing up my tenses, I used to do that so much when I was younger so I suppose I've improved on that front as well as the grammar. I'm also glad that my formatting isn't a bother, I see so many people breaking for a new paragraph every two sentences so I figured that is what people are used to.
So yeah. Thanks again! I know I asked for it and all but I appreciate your speedy review.
Thanks for the hundredth time!
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