Liz here again!
OOOH! Astoria! I love her. ;)
The take on her family was sad and made me feel for her, and the way you portrayed her emotions just made it all the more real. Her dad's a right..er...[12+ word]
I just felt so sorry for her!
Anyway, once again, great job!
I applaud you.
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Hey! This was a great little one-shot you've written here! I really enjoyed reading the wedding scene that you've created. I felt that this was very realistic of how Draco and Astoria may have gotten married to establish one of the few remaining connections of pureblood families that were left!
There was only one thing canon-wise that stuck out to me (otherwise you did a perfect job) and that was the car to take them to the reception. It is kind of doubtful that they would use a muggle car to transport them to their wedding destination. Since they are purebloods they would doubtless keep to the most show-offy form of magical transportation possible go establish their lineage and "nobility".
I must say that some of my favorite parts were several lines. One of them being: "It is like I am a chess board and am being moved square to square [by] my relatives". You don't have the word by in there, but I think the description is vivid and perfect to draw the picture of how she feels about this marriage!! There was also another line that I liked where you said: "I smiled weakly and took another tissue. "I know," I told him, "I know." It was just so cute and perfect for the moment to show that Draco isn't SO harsh of a cold person anymore, and maybe that is the explanation for why Harry, Ron, and Hermione now get along with him and are respectable to each other at the train station in the epilogue.
There were, however, just a few simple mistakes that popped out to me as I read. Nothing major...just a couple word confusions. :)
-"...garden in the height spring" and I think you meant, "garden in the height OF spring".
-"Who could my family do this to me" and I think you meant, "HOW could my family do this to me??"
-"Someone grabbed my wrist and walked my out the door" and I think you meant, "Someone grabbed my wrist and walked ME out the door!"
-"...hands gave it way" and I think you meant, "hands gave it AWAY."
-"...a head and ultimately" and I think you meant, "AHEAD and ultimately".
-"...had a duty to for full" and I think you meant, "had a duty to FULFILL".
-"...around and lead me threw the throng of family" and I think you meant, "lead me TRHOUGH the throng of family".
-I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say here, but you have two conjunctions in a row that confused me: "I didn't wasn't to think where..."??
-"breaking into tears the ripped through my entire body" and I think you meant, "breaking into tears THAT ripped through my entire body".
-And finally: "I felt a hand on my bear shoulder" and I think you meant, "I felt a hand on my bare shoulder".
Nothing big, but in case you decided to go back and edit it I thought I would just point out a few things that caught my attention. Feel free to take them as you wish. :)
Overall I had a great time reading your one-shot. It entertained me and I hope to see/read some more from you! If you ever need anymore reviews/constructive criticism, don't hesitate to ask!
Happy Writing!!Author's Response: thanks for the review...
i know the thing is full of mistakes and i said in the summery, i wrote it for homework, also as it only took 1/2 an hour to write so i didn't get to edit it properly.
i will at some so point go back and edit all my stories just not right now due to study and other stuff
anyway thanks heaps
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