I was looking for a good story to read and I found your story. I think your doing great and hope to read more in the future.
I love how you are changing the chemistry between Harry/Snape while keeping their personalities. Snape has always been one of my favorite persons and your giving a bit more background from your point of view.Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like the chemistry between Harry and Snape. I love writing their interactions. The first fanfic I read that made me love fanfiction was all about Harry and Snape. :) I've always had a soft spot for it, and I'm glad to finally have a story where I can write it myself! Report Review
yea i am reading please post moreAuthor's Response: Thanks for letting me know you're reading! Next chapters unfortunately will be a little late because I'm back at school now. Thanks!
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Wonderful story... I look forward to the next chapterAuthor's Response: Thanks for leaving a review! I'm glad to know you're enjoying it. :)
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I'm back. I just had to read the next chapter! And boy was it great. I love when people explain things in books and stories, lol. This is getting more and more complex, you're so creative! I have to admit that I adore your characterization of Snape. He's snappy and mean, but civil to the necessary point. First I thought Harry would start on Snape when he mentioned how he told Voldemort of the prophecy, but he's probably way too tired to delve into that, what with all the soul breaking. Just one little detail, wouldn't he be suspicious, or at least questioning, about the fact that Snape asked Voldemort to spare Lily? Also that he swore on her grave to protect Harry? At this point, Harry doesn't know his history with her, since he never got there. So I guess he would be at least taken aback? Maybe I'm missing something from the canon.
The writing is, as always, excellent. That part with little Harry's ghost was so sad. Can he really be gone? What happens when Harry transfers to his current body? Will the ghost return? He can't just die, because then Harry from the future would be dead as well, no? Omg, this is why I never write time-travel, it confuses the hell out of me. :D I'll just shut up and keep reading. I'm curious about this new prophecy thing. Prophecies are so neat! Also, I forgot to specifically give kudos to you for that entire Prince-Grindelwald backstory, that was really interesting.
I can't wait for the next chapter. :) I'm hooked to the story now. Update soon, please.
PS: When Dumbledore says 'my boy', is he actually addressing Snape? I think that's a bit uncharacteristic of him. He's fishy. Is that a Dumbledore impostor? Is that why Snape forbade Harry to go to Dumbledore? Oh my, oh my, so many questions and possibilities! :D Great story.Author's Response: Hi again! Thanks for coming back.
I feel that the way JKR portrays Snape from the trio's POV leaves a lot of breathing room for how we can portray Snape as writers. He's sort of an evil snake from the trio's POV, but the last scene where he shows all his memories reveals that there's a lot more to him than that. Thus, I've made him a bit more lonely and bitter than evil and conniving.
I agree about Harry's reaction. I think that could have acted differently. I'll go back and look at that scene and my notes on it - maybe there's something more there. I haven't paid much attention to this story this summer, which is a shame. :-/
Ghost Harry! That's my favorite part of this chapter, actually, if a writer can have favorite parts. Hah, hah. There will be much more from him in the later chapters.
Glad you like the Grindelwald-Prince backstory - there will be much more about that later, too.
I'm ecstatic to hear that you're enjoying this story so far! You have an interesting take on Dumbledore. :D
Thank you so much for your reviews! They were really helpful and encouraging. :)
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This is starting to get really, really great. i read it word for word, literally holding my breath. What is this prophecy about Snape? And boy, it was so strange to imagine ten-year-old Harry talking with the heart and soul of his older, more mature and tortured self. Really sad, too. I hope things get better, but I really don't know how. I'm completely flabbergasted here from this new plot you've brought. In a good way, of course. I've seen many stories, in which Harry didn't defeat Voldemort in book seven, but this one's looking the best so far. And omg your writing is just so good! Like, really, GOOD! I loved the part where you wrote Harry thinking about Hermione, of what she would do and how he could almost imagine her whispering to him. And then the thought of her and Ron dead. That's terrible. But right now in this time and place, they're still alive, so hope lives! I can't wait until Harry starts meeting all the people he's lost. That will be tough and wonderful for him at the same time.
It sucks that I have to leave now to do other things, but I'm favoriting this story and I'll definitely come back to finish reading. Man, I'm so glad it was your birthday today and that you posted about it and that I decided to check out your author's page. :) Happy birthday again!Author's Response: Oh, wow. You've made me so happy today, reading your reviews! :) I definitely set a lot on my plate with this story, and I'm hoping that I can develop it fully eventually. It stinks that I'm going back to school in a few weeks, and I'll have to wait a while until I can get back to it.
I can't tell you how much your review means to me! Thank you!
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You really like writing dark/horror AU stories, don't you? :D I saw this and wanted to give it a go after reading Shattered. I have to say your writing is excellent. The flow is amazing.Author's Response: Hah, hah. Yeah, dark AU is pretty much my first love. Even when I try writing romance, I end up reverting to Action/Adventure AU-ishness. It's a disease. I'm working on it. ;)
I'm so glad you liked the first chapter! Thank you so much for the review!
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This awesome I need more!!!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it. :) Report Review
Hello again! Let's go over things:
Plot: I want to start here, so that I don't forget anything while I comment about the other aspects of this story. Okay...so we start off with the ghost of young-Harry. And that makes sense. Two souls cannot occupy one body. But then things start getting complex. For some reason, Dumbledore doesn't immediately call Snape out on lying to him. And then there's this whole story about a curse. I think I've pretty much grasped what's going on, but it took a little while. You wondered if you'd revealed it all too quickly...I don't think so. I think that, if it's essential to the plot, you don't want readers to be confused while you dance around the point. And the story isn't too dark yet, though I was quite sad about the young-Harry's ghost...
Characterization: All right, moving on. Harry is quite good in this. I liked his younger self too. Older-Harry is surprisingly friendly towards Snape, though. They never really liked each other, and Harry just learned that Snape isn't evil...so. Maybe a bit fast on that? Snape himself is pretty good, too. It was a little odd that he opened up to Harry so easily, but I'm thinking the next chapter will make that more clear. And I would have thought he would me more incredulous to Harry telling him about the Chamber of Secrets, but maybe not...And Dumbledore. :/ I'm still a little disappointed in him. I would think he would care more about Harry's safety than not calling Snape out, you know?
Descriptions: Same thing I've mentioned before, about giving the scenes details to bring them to life. :] It will really help, I promise!
Emotions: Here, as well, things can be amped up. I would think that Harry would be more upset about his younger-self as a ghost. That would make me cry, for sure! Or he'd at least be concerned or confused or something. And I would think that Snape would still be upset about Lily's death more than he let on. Other than that, good job!
Another Plot Note: Sorry, I just thought of this--they're really changing history here. That has the potential to be very, very bad. And Harry will never meet Ron and Hermione! And if they kill the basilisk, then Tom Riddle's diary will have no reason to reopen the Chamber, and it will never be destroyed (since it's a Horcrux), and things will just get very, very strange. And the more they change, the more things will get messed up in the future...LIKE, if Harry (the younger one) never shows up at Hogwarts...so many things will be different! I'm just wondering how you plan to handle all of that...
Interactions: Well...Snape and Harry are quite chummy, oddly enough. Strange. But young-Harry/ghost-Harry had a really great conversation with older-Harry. That was sweet, and very sad at the same time. And I'm still unsure about Dumbledore, since I can't seem to figure out if he's looking out for Harry or ignoring Snape's weird actions. Huh.
So far, the pacing and flow aren't bothering me. You seem to have a firm grasp on where you want this story to go. I think it will be interesting to see where you take it. Good luck and happy writing!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Yeah, the ghost-Harry will have more of a role in the story later.
Dumbledore doesn't call Snape out because he trusts Snape, and he knows that Snape has a vow to protect Harry at all costs. He's not totally sure what's happening, and he doesn't want to endanger Snape's oath. Added to that, he has a bit of a sixth sense - he knows that something big is happening. But I think that sounds really complicated and convoluted. Maybe I was reaching a bit. I'm going to go back and change that, I think.
I think that Harry, at this point, assumes it's just part of the magic that was preformed, in order to send him back in time. He doesn't really understand it, and he's not the type of guy to spend forever wondering about things he'll never be able to understand. I'm trying to tend away from angst, so I didn't really want it to be a crying scene for Harry. In a way though, I think it's more of a sad scene for the audience. By going back in time, Harry is essentially giving away his wonderful (though eventful) childhood at Hogwarts. He won't ever have the wonder of discovering magic, and he won't even get to have a great friendship with Ron and Hermione, since they're just kids now. Instead of realizing this, Harry instead sees this little boy as a bit of a stranger, albeit with a common childhood. He feels guilt, like he's taking away the little boy's life, even though he IS the little boy.
I guess that made a bit more sense in my head. I'll try to get that point across in my edits.
Snape doesn't express emotions well. He's spent his life isolating himself from emotions. He even invented a potion to help him feel less (there will be more on the potion Harry is taking later, and that will come up). He's done everything he can to forget about the things that make him emotional. That's why he was so annoyed with Dumbledore when he found out he had to look for Harry. Maybe I should have made him crabbier about having to work with Harry. Thanks for that. I will go back and think more on Snape.
Of course history will be majorly changed! This isn't a re-telling of the books. :) Everything is going to be VERY different. But Harry already knows that the diary is a horocrux, and that it's in the possession of Lucius Malfoy. He also knows where the locket is. Granted, he doesn't know where the other horocruxes are, and that will cause problems for him. It's been a tricky thing to plot, but I think I have a handle on how Harry will destroy the horocruxes.
I'll try and make Snape angrier. I think he's sort of resigned because he figures that Harry must be part of this curse and prophecy. Harry doesn't really care about Snape, particularly. I think at this point Harry is ready to just let Snape be, as long as Snape doesn't antagonize him. I think it would be more realistic, though, if they were at each other's throats a bit more. I'll think of adding a fight in the next chapter.
Thank you SO much for all your reviews. They have been very, very helpful and thorough. They've also made me think a lot about my characters.
Hello! It's me again!
Characterization: All right! So, we have Dumbledore, Snape, and Harry in this chapter. The only one that I really wasn't sure about was Dumbledore. His dialogue was strangely informal, he seemed really spastic, and he just didn't really fit with how Dumbledore seems in canon. I didn't get the really noble air that Dumbledore is supposed to give off. Snape, though, actually seemed quite realistic. I can't complain about how you're portraying him. And I like that he's helping Harry, even though he doesn't like him. And Harry himself! You're still writing him well. I think he's believable and I'm glad that he'll hopefully be better off after that potion that Snape gave him.
Descriptions: Same thing I mentioned in the last chapter about amping them up. You're not doing badly, but you could really bring this story to life, I'm sure. Just add more details, you know? :]
Emotions: Okay, so I don't know if Snape was confused enough when Harry was talking about coming from the future. Personally, I'd be QUITE concerned if someone tried telling me that. But I think you captured Harry's panic very well and Snape's disdain for having to talk to Dumbledore. Good job!
Plot: Well! We're moving along nicely and I'm quite interested to see what happens next. I like the plot twist about Harry not getting his own body right away. And I like that Snape knows he has to help him, but Harry still has to convince him not to stray from the plan that future-Snape came up with. That makes it very realistic--that Snape doesn't immediately know what to do. Great job!
Interactions: Well, I've mentioned that Dumbledore seems a little off, but the interaction between Harry and Snape was really well done. I liked it a lot. Dumbledore's interaction with Snape was a little odd, since I'm not sure about how you're characterizing him. But other than that, keep up the good work!
All right, I think you're doing a good job. I've never read a story quite like this one, so I can't compare it to anything, but it seems to be going well. I liked this chapter, except for Dumbledore. ;] Other than that, you're doing great! I'll read more soon.
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hi! Sorry it took me so long to respond!
I'm glad you like Harry and Snape's characters so far. I will look into changing some of Dumbledore's dialogue. He's always tough to write!
More details! Got it. :) I think that will always be my weakness. I'm always looking ahead.
I agree about the Snape part. I've been thinking about that for a while. There's a good reason for that - he sort of knew it was coming - but I think his reaction could have been more appropriate, or at least Harry could have noticed that it was unusual.
Thanks for your review!
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Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:
Characterization: All right, I always start here to let you know if the core of your story is believable. The two most important things for a story, to me, are characters and plot. So. We have Harry, Voldemort, and Snape in this chapter. I think you did pretty well showing how Harry finally cracked under torture. I wish he had held out longer than six months, but I understand how he would react to Ron and Hermione's deaths. Voldemort was pretty good. I think you really showed his cruelty. I didn't see enough of Snape to really get an idea of him, but I don't think he was bad. We'll see in future chapters. :]
Descriptions: Okay, this is something that I always tend to harp on. I think it's really important to enhance any story with really specific details placed strategically. So it's important to tell readers not only what things look like, but how they sound, smell, feel, etc. And I could see a lot of places in this chapter where you could add things like that that would put this story over the top. :D
Emotions: Well...I wish I'd seen more sadness from Harry at the beginning, and more confusion when it went to young-Harry. But I think you did fairly well, overall. Great job!
Plot: WOW. This is definitely an interesting story. I think you have something that could potentially be awesome. I can't judge that just yet, but we'll see as it goes on. :] I fully think this will be incredible. You're doing absolutely wonderfully so far. Keep up the great work.
Interactions: I thought you had a really believable dynamic between the Dursleys and Harry. I was surprised they weren't meaner to him, but I'm glad you explained that (since Piers was there). Great job.
Style: This was really beautifully written. I felt so bad for Harry. That's impressive that you can illicit those emotions from readers. Keep up the wonderful work. Your flow and pace are coming through really well at this point. No issues there.
I'll read more soon. Keep up the wonderful work!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Wow! That was fast. :) Thank you.
I don't think many people would last six months of Voldemort's psychological and physical torture. Voldemort's an evil mastermind, and he really hates Harry. I hadn't really thought that some people might think Harry should have lasted longer... Hmm, maybe I should go back and explain more. Well, I also felt that, plot-wise, Harry giving up left room for development. Harry is going to regain his resolve eventually.
I always mess up with description! :) Every time I request a review, people tell me to add more description. I'll go back and add some description. I guess I'm too plot-driven sometimes.
For Harry, he wasn't sad at the beginning. He'd really given up - he felt dead. He'd come close to death almost everyday, only to be healed. He feels that he's already lost, and Voldemort's complete dominance over him has convinced him of Voldemort's invincibility. He's lost everything, and he feels his death is inevitable. But I don't think he's sad about it. He's more defeated, broken, and resigned. The world has gone to pieces completely - if he let himself be sad, he might start crying and never stop.
Looking back, I agree about the confusion. I think I'll go add that.
The Dursleys are very difficult to write. I feel like people are on two sides about them. Some people hate it when fanfiction authors exaggerate their hatred towards Harry. I've already actually received a review cautioning me not to exaggerate canon. It's a bit of a balancing act because I actually do think that the Dursleys could be pushed to go further than canon in their mistreatment of their nephew. I don't, however, think they'd retract their mistreatment unless their own livelihoods were threatened. But thanks for the advice! There will actually be more from the Dursleys later in the story.
I'm glad you like the style and flow! Thank you so much for your very thorough review!
Great story; cant wait to see how it is going to turn out!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad to hear you're excited to keep reading. The next chapter should be up next week. :)
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Here again with your review request. I must say that I have found this story quite interesting to read. I find myself annoyed that it is only two chapters so far. I can't wait to see what the next chapter is going to bring.
The fact that Harry was sent back into his ten year old self was a wonderful idea. Like Harry I am unsure how he is going to defeat the dark lord in his ten year old body but I am sure you have already have that planned out. I think that you have balanced this chapter out very well just enough information to keep the reader from being confused but not enough information that they don't want to keep reading.
Hopefully the next chapter will be coming soon and you will re-request me so that I can read it. Great job.Author's Response: I'm so happy to hear that you liked this story so far. I keep feeling unsure about it and wanting to rewrite it. I think I'll stick with it now. :) I'm glad you're not confused! In my last fanfic that was always something I struggled with - I've realized now that confusing the reader just gets me a lot of complaints. I will definitely re-request when I post the next chapter. Thank you for your reviews!
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I am here with your review request. I must say that this first chapter really caught my attention. When I first read the story summary I wasn't sure whether or not I would be able to get into this story but you proved me wrong with this first chapter.
Part of me hated the fact that Harry had been captured, that his friends had been killed, and that Voldemort was starting to break Harry's will but I can see how it was needed for the story. It wouldn't have worked with out it and as I kept reading the more I liked it. I even liked the fact that Snape was the one to help Harry escape to the past.
I wish I knew more about the attacks that young Harry is having towards the end of the chapter. I guess I will have to keep reading to find out more.
This was a very well written first chapter and I can't wait to see what the second chapter will have in store.Author's Response: I've been thinking of fixing the story summary to make it a bit more interesting. I think you've just given me more a reason to do it! Thanks for mentioning that. I'm so glad you enjoyed this first chapter! I was worried that there was too much violence/angst, and I was thinking of completely changing it. But I think that it's definitely necessary. Otherwise, Harry going back wouldn't make as much sense. Thanks so much for your review!
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I'm looking forward to seeing the future conflict between the child that was and the man that is.Author's Response: I'm looking forward to writing it. :) I'll finally be updating this summer. Thanks for the review!
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Fantastic first chapter. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more of this story. You write well, setting the scene very nicely in the future. Voldemort came across as evil, yet intelligent, which I was glad to see. I'm not sure about Harry yet; he seemed a little slow on the uptake, but that's probably just the months of torture getting to him.
Showing the younger Harry's thoughts as he's displaced by the older Harry is a very original touch, and I've never seen it done before. You did it well, portraying him very much as a child, which can often be difficult.
You could use a bit of work in some areas -- be careful not to make the Dursleys too fond of the word 'Freak', for one thing. In this chapter, you didn't go overboard, but a lot of authors tend to do that later on. However, overall I didn't see much to complain about. Technically, your writing is sound -- I didn't notice any mistakes, though admittedly I wasn't reading for them.
I really want to see how this goes -- update soon :)
4/5Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the first chapter! I'm just going to go ahead and reply to all the things you brought up - sorry if it sounds like word vomit. Heh.
I always prefer reading stories where Voldemort is not completely consumed by blood-lust. Voldemort wouldn't be successful if he didn't have some grasp on strategy.
It was definitely months of torture getting to Harry. If anything, later readers might accuse me of making Harry too strong. I'm thinking of going back and making Harry's condition in this chapter more obvious.
I'm happy to hear you liked reading from eleven-year-old Harry's point of view. I was surprised at how much fun I had writing that, for some reason.
I'll be careful about not making the Dursley's hatred towards Harry too extreme, though it's hard. On one hand, some people strongly believe that Petunia and Vernon, in canon, are acting out on fear and could be significantly changed by circumstances. I subscribe to the belief that the Dursleys JKR wrote are rotten, ignorant people who mistreat Harry and get away with it. Heh, heh. I'll try to make them rounder characters in this story, though, since they do have a role in it. I agree that the endearment "Freak" is a little extreme.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your review! It was really helpful!
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im interested to see where you take this. good jobAuthor's Response: Thank you for being my first reviewer! I'm actually editing this chapter a bit because I realized I'd rather write a teenage Harry. I apologize for posting this and going back to change it. I actually didn't really mess with the plot too much. I hope you're still interested and enjoy what's to come! :) Thanks again! Report Review
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