Here for your requested review from the forums! Apologies for the delay.
Wow, this was definitely a very powerful piece of writing! I think you did a great job with your descriptions and imagery. The entire piece was very intense and vivid. I could almost see Trelawney sitting on a rocking chair all alone, drinking sherry. It was just so vivid. Good job!
Trelawney is a very under-written minor character and I am pleased to read this story about her. The war affects everyone in different ways, and it was great to see your take on how the war affected her. The part about her hearing dead people was just so haunting and creepy, and very powerful.
I liked your use of vocabulary, and your grammar and sentence structure was all good too. It made it very easy to understand the story and actually slip into it. You did a brilliant job of getting the emotions in the piece across.
The only little CC I have for you is that perhaps you should write the opening paragraph in a more detailed manner. Use it to set the scene, and write it in fuller sentences instead of chopped ones. After the opening paragraph, you can transition into shorter cropped sentences etc. to give it the haunting feel. But the opening few sentences should definitely be more elaborate.
Apart from that, I think this was a very well-written one-shot and I really liked it. You're truly a very original and talented writer. Great job!
(AditiDraco95) Report Review
I like this story. It's very dramatic, and it's about a character that nobody ever really writes about. I think that's really cool.
I want to know, what gave you this idea? It's certainly interesting how you made it seem like cooking sherry was her solace.
-DeeAuthor's Response: Hi Dee, thanks for the review and very sorry about the belated reply, life just got ahead of me I think!
To be honest, I can't remember the exact reason. I think it was something along the lines of wanting to write something unusual and I'd been listening to Zombie by The Cranberries non-stop for quite a while, and as I listened to it I just couldn't help but think of the insanity of it all, and it somehow clicked with Trelawney (as some people perceive her to be nuts) and I tried to write something as canon as I could about her, in keeping with the themes behind this song. The cooking sherry was just a little tip to the books, as she's caught drinking it a few times and I really wanted to play up that aspect of it too.
But then again, it was so long ago that this was written, I could've just written it in my sleep - have been known to do that lol. Thank you very much for your review, really appreciate it and I'm very sorry for the late reply. Take care, Bobby xx Report Review
All your stories are so original! It's such a pleasure to read your work - I never know quite what to expect, but you've once again astounded me.
Trelawney is another of those unappreciated minor characters with plenty of back-story to offer inspiration for any writer. You've fleshed her out here, showing how much of a burden her gifts are to her. I think if I were her I'd also have trouble coming to terms with a lot of the things she sees.
Your language is so easy to read - your vocabulary isn't over-flashy and the word choice is perfectly subtle. I'm not thinking about how you formulate the sentences but what they're actually saying to me. It's very easy to get lost in your writing, something I really appreciate. There's nothing clunky about it at all. The fact that you can write so beautifully whilst tackling a difficult character like Trelawney impresses me, I really loved it!
Another stunning piece!
MarinaAuthor's Response: Hi Marina, thank you very much for saying that my writing is original, I really do appreciate that, that's very kind of you to say :)
Your review is so lovely, thank you very much. I'm delighted you enjoyed it so much :) Bobby xx Report Review
Um... wow. That's the first thing that came to mind when I read this piece. I swear, my heart was racing. The descriptions that you use are incredible - It's painted so clearly in my mind and I feel like I'm in the room with Sybill. I can feel her pain and distress and it almost hurts to read (which, clearly, is a very good thing ^_^).
I like what you've done with her visions - adding consequences for having such a power is so good to read because I honestly doubt seeing visions and the future would be all sunshine and daisies. It adds realism, which I think makes stories even better to read.
I always have trouble writing in present tense and I sometimes find it trying to read, but I'm glad that you did. I think it works really well here - because it's much more 'active' to read. It's as if what you're reading is happening right now and for something like this, I think it just adds power and allows the emotions and feelings to come across so much clearer. There are so many lovely sentences and the way you put words together is magnificent.
This is such a beautiful piece. Well done. :) ♥
[uncivilized/hufflepuff]Author's Response: Hi Taylor, thanks for the review, sorry it has taken such a long time for me to reply to it, no excuse for that but thanks all the same.
I'm glad you enjoyed this story, and engaged so much with it, thats lovely hearing that. But thanks for pointing out I should check out the tense issues in places, will do, eventually lol. I am glad that you enjoyed it, that's wonderful to hear. Thanks again for the review, much appreciated :) Bobby xx Report Review
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