Reading Reviews for The Quidditch Bet
  
47 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Pretense Of Perfection this year is gonna be incredible

6th July 2014:
What an awesome idea for a story, I love it.

First of all, the list is just absolutely brilliant. What teenage girl doesn't do something like that at the beginning of every school year, saying this is the year she's going to change and be more popular, smart, funny, etc. I think it really captures the essence of teenagers as a whole.

I typically don't read next-gen, but this one sort of sucked me in. I'm not sure if it's canon or not, but I really like how you named Neville's daughter after Minerva. I personally would probably choose Pomona as they were close as well, but it's a sweet touch and brought a tear to my eyes.

You MC seems very interesting, and pretty well grounded. I like that she isn't ridiculously full or herself, or hates herself to a fault like a lot of MCs you read about. I'm definitely interested to read more about her dislike of James. Do I smell a romance?

Great job overall, keep up the good work. I noticed very few spelling/grammar errors, which is a feat in and of itself. Can't want for more!

--- Written for the House Cup 2014 ---
Pretense of Perfection, Gryffindor, Educational Decree Number one

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Review #2, by nott theodore sipping tea in the bar by the roadside

6th July 2014:
Hi again! Oh, it's a shame this is the last chapter of your story so far - hopefully you come back and update it because I think it's got a lot of promise and could be great if you carried it on!

Just to get a few things out of the way as far as CC is concerned - really the only problems I noticed in this chapter were to do with grammar and spelling mistakes. It would be a good idea to get a beta reader or read through using spell check because at times it does disrupt the flow of your story.

I loved the fact that you wrote the date here in this chapter, though, since I'd been looking forward to reading about this! They were quite cute together but I suspect that Sarah's going to deny she has any feelings for James and James will realise he really does like Sarah and there's going to be lots of tension. Of course the two rival Quidditch captains would talk about Quidditch on their date, though! I think Sarah probably learnt a lot about James though, and was pleasantly surprised by his taste in Quidditch teams!

It made me laugh that Dom had to go with Sarah to meet James on the date though as a sort of cover with the Extendable Ears - so sneaky and not at all like Hufflepuffs :P

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #3, by nott theodore 'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down

6th July 2014:
Hello again! I was excited for this chapter and to get the chance to read the aftermath of the match, especially with the bet that Sarah agreed on with James (clearly she shouldn't have, since Gryffindor are great :P) but I felt like it was a bit short - I'd have liked to see the date in this chapter!

I can definitely understand Sarah's anxiousness about the date, not only because she has to go on a date with a rival Quidditch captain - all sorts of competitiveness there - but because she has a boyfriend. To be honest, I think if she's been going out with Briscoe for 9 months she should have told him in the first place, or not agreed to the bet, because I predict this could be the end of their relationship when Briscoe finds out (he will, right?). The girls did a good job of looking after her, preparing her for the date and helping her to cover up from Briscoe though, which was great and shows what good friends they are - they suit the fact they're in Hufflepuff for things like that, although I hope they stick by her if it goes wrong!

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #4, by nott theodore i know you're wearing thin down to the core

6th July 2014:
Hi again! More house cup reviews for educational decree number one!

Ooh, what a great chapter! I was excited to read about the Quidditch in this story because I knew it was going to play a big part in it, but I hadn't dared to hope that it would come so soon! I thought this chapter was well written and somehow, for writing a Quidditch match, you managed to get the right balance and flow, which is really impressive because I always think that Quidditch matches are really difficult to write!

I love the fact that Hufflepuff lost the match! Partly because I'm a Gryffindor and can't abandon my house even when I like a character like Sarah, but also because it's going to make the story a lot more interesting in the future, because the rivalry will get more intense and then obviously the Hufflepuff Quidditch team will have a lot of work to do to make the points back and have a shot at winning! And of course, that's not to mention the date Sarah now has to go on, even though she has a boyfriend... that's going to be interesting!

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #5, by nott theodore they never said that you should lose your mind

6th July 2014:
Hello again! Back for more of this lovely story!

It was great that this chapter moved forward a little bit in time and we've left the train behind - I was a bit worried that the story would start to flow to slowly but this jump is great. I also liked the concentration from the start on the Quidditch teams - the fact that Sarah's competitive makes me like her a lot (she's like me :P) and she's going to use the fact that nobody knows who she is to her advantage, which is a great idea! The focus on Sarah was great as well because I felt like I got to know her better in this chapter and know more about her personality. She's likable but not perfect, there are some flaws creeping in.

There are still a few minor issues with typos and grammar but I think reading the chapter through or getting a beta would solve that problem. The only other thing I'd mention is that your character uses an iPod when actually electrical items don't work at Hogwarts because of the magic there. I liked the conversation between James and Sarah though and the tension between them that's already evident. I feel like this Quidditch is going to get exciting!

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #6, by nott theodore you walk and talk like youíre some new sensation

6th July 2014:
Hello again! I'm back for more of this story!

I loved the slight development of Sarah's character here, and it's great we're already seeing some of that when we're in the third chapter. I've got high hopes for how you'll write this character through the rest of the story! I loved the fact that Sarah has a bit of spark in her and she's ready to stand up for herself - it means she doesn't fit in with the stereotypical Hufflepuff character, which is fantastic, and then also makes her more likable for me because I tend to get a bit annoyed with characters who don't stand up for themselves :P

The flashback was great as well so that we could learn about the past and history between Sarah and James, and the only suggestion I'd make when it comes to that is to separate it with break lines so we can tell it's a different section. I thought maybe all the Gryffindors would leave once they'd found James too, but maybe not. I hadn't realised she had a boyfriend either, so that's going to be an added complication when the romance with James (which I'm assuming will happen) comes along!

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #7, by nott theodore and they told me i donít need to worry

6th July 2014:
Hi again!

I don't have any concerns about all of these characters being in Hufflepuff house - I think that the only house I haven't seen Dominique in before is Hufflepuff, actually, but to me that makes it a refreshing change and if you don't approach the story with pre-conceived characterisations then there's no problem, since it's justifiable. There were just a few things that I'd look out for here as minor bits of CC - there were a couple of typos that I noticed (one time you wrote 'warm me' instead of 'warn me') but nothing major. The other thing I'd suggest is that you cut back a little bit on all of the names that you mention. Of course it's important to introduce your cast of characters but at this point it's quite overwhelming to hear about an OC's brother as well as the character themselves, and there were at least four of them around at any time!

Other than that I thought the writing was really good, the flow works well and the characterisation is great. I feel like you've got a great handle on Sarah and because of that I know a lot about her already, and I liked the mention of Quidditch too - it's clearly going to be a big part of the story!

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #8, by nott theodore this year is gonna be incredible

6th July 2014:
Hello there! I'm here reviewing for Gryffindor in the house cup over on the forums (educational decree 1)!

I thought this was a great first chapter of your story! I liked the way it started with the list because while I've seen those in story summaries before they're not so common in the actual chapters themselves. But I thought it was a really fun way to start the story and outlined the goals of the character well - at this point, anyway :P And then it also helps with the characterisation of your protagonist as well, since it helps us to get to know her.

I love that she's a Hufflepuff, as well! They're not featured enough in stories, I don't think, and it's going to be great to see the Puffs playing Quidditch, especially with Sarah being a Hufflepuff and her starting the year as Quidditch captain!

This was a great chapter and I thought you wrote it really well. The flow was great and I can't wait to see what you're continuing with - congrats on this being your first story too!

Sian :)
Gryffindor House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #9, by Ayushi sipping tea in the bar by the roadside

29th July 2012:
Lovely story!! I am totally loving it!! :)
James and Sarah are sooo adorable!! I hope you put lots of flirting between the two in the future chapters.please update soon!

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Review #10, by Grammar Freak sipping tea in the bar by the roadside

27th July 2012:
So I decided to wait until the end of the chapters thus far to review. Overall, I enjoy the story, though some of the writing seems to be a bit juvenile, but that's acceptable assuming your age to be late teens. The story is far more enjoyable than not.

My most important comment here, WHICH I THINK YOU SHOULD DEEPLY CONSIDER, is finding yourself a betareader (or just beta). They are there to help you read over your work and critique it for spelling, grammar, contextual, and other such errors before you post the story for the general public. And not to be unkind, but you my friend, have several spelling/grammar errors. And your story gets to be a bit repetitive in places, and a beta can help you paraphrase words or ideas as to make them seem more original.

That's it. Overall, good story. :]

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Review #11, by hushpuppy sipping tea in the bar by the roadside

26th July 2012:
It was a nice surprise to see that you had updated this story! The date seemed to go too well for James to give up on messing with Sarah. And why wouldn't he rub the date in Brisco's face the next time they got into a fight?

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Review #12, by Flavia i know you're wearing thin down to the core

16th March 2012:
Argh, I should have written this review as soon as I read the chapter because now I've forgotten what I was going to say! But I did like this chapter, I always love a good Quidditch chappy :) And I LOVE that Hufflepuff lost (but only just) because it's going to add some nice drama to the story :)

On a side note, I sent you a message on the forums about Beta-ing so check that out if you'd like me to have a look at your chapters.

xx

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Review #13, by Lillylover22 'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down

10th March 2012:
I cant wait for the date to happen 9/10 : )

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Review #14, by Lillylover22 i know you're wearing thin down to the core

10th March 2012:
Oh poor sarah. 9/10 : )

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Review #15, by Lillylover22 they never said that you should lose your mind

10th March 2012:
Wow that last line was dramatic 9/10 : )

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Review #16, by Lillylover22 you walk and talk like youíre some new sensation

10th March 2012:
This is a good story. 9/10 : )

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Review #17, by Lillylover22 and they told me i donít need to worry

10th March 2012:
This story is interesting although a bit slow at this stage. 9/10 : )

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Review #18, by Lillylover22 this year is gonna be incredible

10th March 2012:
Great first chapter!! 9/10 : )

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Review #19, by Flavia they never said that you should lose your mind

5th March 2012:
Another good chapter, I liked the way you really focussed on Sarah, we learnt a lot more about her in this chapter. I really like Sarah, she's a great heroine, she's likable but not in an over the top way that makes her seem to perfect. She's got flaws, which makes her more realistic. If I was at Hogwarts, I'd want to be her friend :) The tension between her and James is really good, it's not too much but it's enough to make you think there's something else going on there...at least on James' behalf!

I'm not sure how I feel about Briscoe yet, I know we haven't met much of him but I get the feeling he's a little too perfect. I'm not sure if that's what I'm supposed to feel...maybe I just have a soft spot for James, even if he is a git :)

The spelling/grammar/punctuation thing still bothers me (sorry!) but I'm such a grammar Nazi so it probably bothers me much more than other people. Do you have a beta? I'd be happy to look at your chapters if you want.
There were also two inconsistensies that bugged me. Firstly, the ipod: electrical items don't work at Hogwarts, there's too much magic around and it messes it up. Hermione explains that in Order of the Phoenix and I doubt that would have changed since the Trio were at school. I guess you can ignore that but I think it's kind of important and she doesn't really need to have an ipod...you could always invent some sort of magical music device I suppose.
Secondly, you said that Dom and Avril were both beaters but then Sarah's trying out beaters? There's only two beaters on a Quidditch team...did you maybe mean that Avril was a keeper? Also, the idea of two female beaters seems a bit far fetched...being such a strength-based position I would think it leads itself more to male players.

Ok, I'll stop there, I really hope you don't mind my suggestions or my long-winded reviews. I really do like this story and I can't wait to see where it goes from here. I'm a bit sad that there's only two more chapters until I'm caught up though...I'm really enjoying having something to read! Keep writing! xx

Author's Response: Yeah, well, Briscoe's kind of just a secondary character. He's there just to add more drama to the whole James/Sarah stuff. He'll have a bigger role later on in the story.

So, the reason the grammar isn't the greatest, is because I usually write my chapters early in the morning, so there are bound to be some mistakes, and then when I go through them later on, before I post them, some of the mistakes I don't seem to catch. So, if you're serious about beta-ing this story, I would love for you do to that. Just send me a message, or something, and we can get it all settled out.

And, as for the inconsistencies; the i-pod was just something that I added, because in all honesty, I was really tired, and couldn't create something more 'magical' and wizard-like. I don't see the issue in it now, but in the future, I will think about going back and changing it to be something more fitting.

and as for the beater situation, again, it was way to early, so I must have accidentally added that. Avril is the beater, Dom is a chaser, and Briscoe is the keeper, like dear old dad. ;) I've gone through it though, and edited it, so it should be good in a couple of days.

You're reviews mean a lot to me; as a writer, I feel like I really need the constructive criticism that I get here. I don't have much of that in real life, so it's nice to see it here.


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Review #20, by Flavia you walk and talk like youíre some new sensation

5th March 2012:
Omigosh it's ridiculously late and I'm yawning like crazy so I'll have to read the rest of the story tomorrow, but I'll leave a review for this chapter before I go to sleep :)

I liked this chapter, it's nice to see Sarah developing a backbone, it fits really well with the whole 'let's make this a great year' concept, she's really trying to be more confident. I also have to say that I LOVED the flashback. It was perfectly placed, flowed beautifully and was exactly what was needed to explain Sarah's relationship with James. It was also a good reason for Sarah to hate James so much. It's exactly the sort of thing an 11 year-old would use to develop a grudge against someone. Sorry, I'm gushing, but I really liked it :)

Just a few things that didn't sit right with me:
*Grammar/spelling/incorrect word usage. Sorry, I keep mentioning this but it's my pet peeve. I find it very distracting, which is a pity because I actually think you have a lovely grasp on language and write really well but it sort of gets overshadowed by those little errors. Editing/Beta-ing is a good idea.
*I didn't quite understand why the other Gryffindors came in and sat down. If they were just looking for James, surely they'd leave once they found him? Usually tormentors don't hang around, they pick on someone and take off. I dunno, that bit just felt a bit strange to me.
*I thought her description of her uniform was a bit long-winded and redundant. It didn't really add any new information because the majority of the people reading this story would have seen the movie depiction of the uniform and already have that image in their mind, so when you've got this paragraph descibing something you already have a detailed image of in your head, well your mind starts to wander a little. Does that make sense?

I hope you don't mind the suggestions, it's meant to be constructive and helpful and of course you're welcome to ignore it :) I really think this story has so much potential though and I'm definitely starting to get into it. I often have trouble finding fan-fics that I enjoy reading but you have a lovely writing style and I'm hooked! Can't wait to read the rest of the chapters. xx

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Review #21, by Flavia and they told me i donít need to worry

5th March 2012:
A good second chapter, it flowed really well and you introduced the characters really naturally without it sounding like you were just listing off their characteristics (which you unfortunately see in fanfics a lot), so that was great. I like that each character is different but not in a stereotypical way, you haven't just gone for the stock standard 'funny one' 'pretty one' 'clever one' etc, which makes your characters so much more believeable.

I personally LOVE that you've put all of these girls in Hufflepuff. So often people think that all Gryffies have to be super brave and adventurous, all Ravenclaws have to be geeks, all 'puffs are boring and shy etc. But if you look at the canon characters, there are so many examples of characters who don't fit the mould: Neville Longbottom, Cedric Diggory, even Hermione! Good on you for making 'puffs who like to pull pranks and make trouble, or who enjoy reading...once again I think it adds realism.

There are still a few grammar, spelling issues etc, which could be sorted with a good edit, and occasionally the details are a bit hard to follow. do you have a beta? It might be handy to have someone else look over things for you. Just a thought.

Overall, I'm really enjoying the story and I still want to read more! Sorry about such a long, rambly review! I can't help myself :)

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Review #22, by Flavia this year is gonna be incredible

5th March 2012:
A good start, you've done well for your first story. It's a good concept and it's always nice to see the 'Puffs getting some attention :) I wouldn't worry about the length of this chapter, it's actually relatively short. I notice the other chapters are longer, which is good.

Your writing is fluid enough that the story reads quite well, my only suggestion would be to really take the time to properly edit because there were a few instances where the wrong word was used (such as 'was' instead of 'were' or 'exciting' instead of 'excited') and I found that stopped the flow while I stopped to understand the sentence.

Otherwise, I think this story looks really interesting and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! Well done :)

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Review #23, by AlbusPotter123456789123456789 i know you're wearing thin down to the core

26th February 2012:
ANOHER SUPER MEGA FOXY AWESOME CHAPTER!!! I'm upset that it took so long but you definately made up for it!! :) :) :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you though my chapter was SUPER MEGA FOX AWESOME. Sorry it took so long, life's been kind of busy. But, I'm working on the next few chapters now, so there shouldn't be that much of a wait.

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Review #24, by Bunny Animagus 'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down

25th February 2012:
Haha, love it! This story is really funny, it's nice to see a Puff in these stories, they are always a Gryffie or Slytherin: it gets boring.
Yepdidoo, so I have like, just read the whole story, but I (don't hate me!) couldn't really be asked to review every single chapter, so I thought I would just do it for your most recent one, YAY!
Ok, so:
1) It's nice to see Puffs as main characters (like I said before) because no one would have really expected Dom to be a Hufflepuff, good choice *thumbs up*
2) Rival Quidditch Captain, I'm surprised I haven't seen this in any James/OC stories before, because it's a good idea. Especially as she is a 5th Year so it's not like she would have the confidence that say... a 6th or 7th year would have.
3) James' cockiness, I've always said that (well I have said to myself, in my head) James /has/ to be cocky, it's in his nature. So snaps for you!

And so far, that's all I have to say!
Loving it, especially the fact that Sarah is Bridget Mendler O.o

Bunny
x x

Author's Response: I'm glad you like my story; I agree, there aren't enough Hufflepuff stories out there in the world of HPFanficion.

I could never hate some one who liked my story, especially if it's over some silly reviews. I'm just glad you were able to at least review one of the chapters; I love hearing that people like my story!

1.) I didn't expect people to see Dom as a Hufflepuff, so I figured it would be a nice surprise. Glad you like it.

2.) I'm glad you like the idea. I've read a few stories that have James/OC as rival Quidditch Captians, but usually it's their seventh year. But, I didn't want my characters to be that old (they were in the original story idea I had, but after writing out a detailed plot, I realized younger would be better). However, I didn't know if people would think 5th year being to young to be a captain, or something...

3.) I'm glad you like James's cockiness; I agree, James doesn't really sit well with me, unless he's at least a little cocky.

I'm glad you like Sarah's play-by; I wanted her to be blonde, but I didn't want to use all those play-bys that people use a lot. Plus, she still had to look young enough to be fifteen.


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Review #25, by lyricalflower 'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down

15th February 2012:
I really love this story so get a writtin`plz hurry i wanna see her have quite the epiphany cuz u sure r playing this one big

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it, and hope the next chapter is up to par; I really wasn't planning on making it such a big deal (well, I was, but I wasn't going to make everyone wait for so long to see what happened).

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