Reading Reviews for Daddy's ittle girl
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by HPPC Staff Daddy's Little Girl

11th June 2012:
This was very emotional. *teartear* I liked how you sued the lyrics of the song to add to the story, rather then just walking around them. A lot of people just chuck them in, but you used them to your advantage and they really added to the story. They are beautiful lyrics, aren't they? XP Well done!

You show the feelings of both girls marvellously, and switch between the two really well as well. It was a smart choice doing one then the other and then mixing them together, rather than mixing from the start, for it made it much easier to understand. Bringing them together as well at the end provided a really nice link connecting them together.

Something that confused me a little was that you sometimes switched between first person POV and third person POV. I can see this is because of the lyrics, but occasionally in the middle there I had to go back up and check that it was the character that I was thinking off. It works better in the last bit, with the speech marks around them. Much clearer. Another thing, I would suggest getting a Beta, just to pick up on a couple of punctuation marks and things that go missing (there's a typo in your title, btw, slightly annoying me). I would also check your formatting before posting, sometimes just in the last bit an extra space gets slipped in. Just a small thing to help with the readability.

Overall, a magical job. Beautifully written with a lot of raw emotion in it. :D

Author's Response: I'm glad you thought it was emotional, that is what I was going for(:
Thanks, I was really hoping I could use the lyrics well. And I also love the lyrics!
I am glad you thought I used the mixing well!
And I totally understand what you mean by the POV's, I will try to fix that.
And yeah, I probably could use a beta! I will do that. And wow, I dont think I ever realized tha ttypo
thanka for all the crittisism!

~Sarah
Xxxx


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Review #2, by TheDoctor Daddy's Little Girl

3rd August 2011:
Hello! Astoria Viana here from the forums!

First may I say you got me within and inch of tears. Believe me there was allot of blinking and calm down moments while reading this. *takes deep breath*

Okay, I'm good. Well first off I think this whole piece has a lovely rhythm to it. Your writing fits well with the lyrics and it all just flows together nicely.

My parents divorced when I was five and I have to say you've done a really nice job of portraying Lily's feelings. I know I felt the same way. Both Lily and Rose are really well done. Their characters are similar in that they both react the same way but it works in the scene, as that is how almost anyone would react.

I noticed a few minor errors ("She need you just as much as I need you.") You just missed an 's' on the first need. But nothing is glaringly in need of fixing.

As I said before the only thing that you might want to work on a tiny bit is how very similar Lily and Rose are, though again it works perfectly well now and you don't really need to change it.

Since the song itself has some grammatical errors it might make the two better connected if you added a few sentence structure changes to yours. For instance
"Mommy's sayin' things she don't mean
Mum doesnít hate you!" It could work to say 'Mum don't hate you. But as I've said the whole thing has a nice flow already so it's completely up to you.

This was my first song fic and I'm really glad I read it. Well done! I love the theme you have throughout of family needing each other. It's so true and it's definitely what got me nearly to tears. Good job!

~Astoria

Author's Response: Aw! Really!! I almost made you cry! :O

Thank you, I was really quite afraid that it wouldn't flow well (:

I am glad you think I got the characters well, and how most people would act in this situation!

Okay!! Thanks for pointing out the error! I will change it back when I have time! Thanks!

Okay! I will put that into consideration! Thanks!

Okay! That is a good suggestion! Make it sound more 'flowy' with the song!! I could try that!

Yay! I was the first song fic you read! I am hopping it put you into read more (:
I am glad you liked it!!

Thank you so much for the review!

-Sarah
Xxxx


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Review #3, by Star_Kid_Love Daddy's Little Girl

3rd August 2011:
Hi there, it's starkidlove from the fourms with your review :D

Firstly, you nailed the emotion in the story! I looked up the song on youtube and I feel you did the lyrics more justice than the music video and frankie J! You made me despise harry! (In a good way), and it was really powerful to see Lily's emotion at the thought of her father leaving. Your Ginny was wonderful too and the scene fitted to well with the lyrics of the song!

The scene with Rose was also powerful! I loved the way you made her very headstrong, like hermione, and used the fact that she was a gryffindor to be strong. This scene really touched me because my own mother went through it about a year ago and the emotions really hit home, a very good job!

Finally the ending was perfect! You used the final lyrics so well to throw both scenes together to express the raw emotion.

Seriously well done!

R xx

Author's Response: Aw, thank you. I was actually quite terrified I wouldn't get the emotion right!
Ha, I didn't mean for anyone to hate Harry (;
I am glad that my writing was very powerful in your opinion(:
And I am glad it fitted well with the lyrics.

Aw, thank you! Yeah, I did try to make her strong, she needed to be for her dad.
And I am glad I got the emotions right for someone who has been in the situation.
Sorry about your mom, by the way.

Thank you! I was actually very worried it would sound kinda cheesy when I put them both together, but I am glad it worked!

Thank you so much for the review! It really means a lot to me! (:

-Sarah
Xxxx


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Review #4, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Daddy's Little Girl

2nd August 2011:
Hello! Here I am with your request to review your story. Sorry for the day late response it was night in my time zone when you responded to my 'status'. I was fast asleep!

Never--and this is a big never--never have I ever gotten tears in my eyes from the title alone. A small part of me really did hope that the story wouldn't have me begging for a box of tissues but let's be honest those are the best kind.

I loved it. I did. It was very real to me. It reminded me of this friend I used to have and one day in class for some reason my teacher wanted to 'get to know us all' so she went around the room asking personal questions (which was really uncomfortable by the way) and I forgot the exact wording of the question but she started talking about her father. How her Mother and her Father fought so much and one day her Mother had had enough. They were yelling and she wanted him out and she said she wouldn't stop screaming and crying. That she had literally clung to his leg trying to make him not leave and she begged him not to go because she was essentially a Daddy's little girl.

So the story really pulled at my heart strings. Excellent job.

Author's Response: Ha, it's totally fine! (:

Wow!! Tears in your eyes from the title! :O

I am glad that I got the emotion right! Because from your story of that girl in your class is like this I would feel so happy.
I am always afraid I would get the emotion wrong, so I am happy you thought differently!
I am glad you liked it!!

Thanks for the review!

-Sarah
Xxxx


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Review #5, by Levana Daddy's Little Girl

1st August 2011:
Oh My gosh! I loved it so much! I didn't cry until the very very end, but the whole time I kept getting shivers! It was so wonderfully written too. I could feel the characters' emotions. 10/10 :D

Author's Response: Aw, thank you!!
I am glad I gave you shivers!!
I am also glad I got the emotions in the characters good!!
Thanks so much for the review!!

-Sarah
Xx


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Review #6, by Strings Daddy's Little Girl

1st August 2011:
First off - I liked the "in between""in someone's mind" sort of feeling you managed to pass.

To be honest, I don't think your fic needs the song there :) It works on it's own, it might even work better without the song, I don't know.

At times I felt like a more hinted description would help. Like in the movie Jaws - they never once show the shark itself, and that's part of why it's so scary. For example- Second paragraph- instead of cry for days, I would love something like, her pillow wasn't dry for days now. Little thing hurts the most.

Also - how old are those girls? Childish innocence is so heartbreaking. Once there was all over the news a picture of a letter a first grader wrote to his mommy about being scared in kindergarten. They used it for politics and it worked because it was so sad.

It's hard to see it when you write (I know) but when you read simple, clear words work best. Instead of big words like "I will do anything I can" I would try simple things like, "Just tell me what to do." "Don't go".

Maybe it could be better if you wrote more about those fights between the parents. Just mention it a few more times it third body, maybe in italics? A little kid peering from the hallway, frozen to the white walls.

I'm sorry for being so cynical about it all, analyzing it. It must sound sick. =

I really do think it's already good, I just tried to think of anything that might have made it better.

Author's Response: Thanks! I am glad I managed it!

Mhmm, really? I don't know if that would work... I mean it is a song-fic. But alright(;

Yeah, that would have made it better, your right. I may change it a little to be "like jaws" you could say. It would make it sound better!!

I wrote them younger. Like little kids that are having their fathers leave them.

Yeah, that is true. It makes it seem more real if you use powerful, simple words like that! Thanks for the advice!

Yeah, I could write more about the fights. It would make it more personal and sad in a way.

Not at all!! I love getting advice! Thank you so much for this! It really means a lot!!

Well I am glad you thought it is good. And I am glad you gave me the advice!!
Thanks so much!!

-Sarah
Xx


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Review #7, by ginnypotter242 Daddy's Little Girl

1st August 2011:
Oh my god...I'm crying right now...This is such a sad story-even sadder when you're listenign to the song with it. This hits home for me becasue my mom left us a few months ago. I can't believe how much I;m crying right now-I don't usually cry over fanfics! Wow...great job. It's really emotional, and you feel what Lily and Rose are feeling. Good job..

Author's Response: Aw, I am sorry that I made you cry!
I am really sorry about your mother, but I am glad that I got the emotion right!
Thank you so much!!

-Sarah
Xx


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Review #8, by October Sea Breeze Daddy's Little Girl

1st August 2011:
(reviewing anonymous 'cause HPFF won't let me log in & than enter the story...)

I like it... It touched me and not a lot of fics do that. Only issue: sometimes it seems like Lily & Rose are children & on other times they seem more grown up.
But for the rest: perfect.

Author's Response: Aw, thanks for the review!
Yeah, I was kinda trying to make them seem younger...
So I dunno, I will go a see if anything should change anything to see if it will get better (:
Thanks!!

-Sarah.
Xx


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Review #9, by peace2lovepotter Daddy's Little Girl

1st August 2011:
That was so beautiful! I cried so much, poor Rose and Lily, both loosing their fathers. :--( Thank you so much for writing this! Love Livvy aka peace2lovepotter xxx :) 10/10

Author's Response: Aw, thank you so much.
I am sorry that I made you cry!
You're so very welcome that I wrote this, I liked to write it a lot!!

Thanks a ton!

-Sarah
Xx


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