I want to read not reviewAuthor's Response: I'm oddly okay with that. Report Review
Your A/N said this chapter was slow, but I actually liked it even better than the first! The change in pov threw me off a little, but otherwise, this was a lovely little chapter.
"On some nights, if I was quiet enough, I could find Gran sitting on the porch with her feet elevated on the rail with her stockings hanging loosely around her ankles..." This is possibly my favorite sentence fragment in this chapter. It's such good imagery.
You've got Neville down nicely, and while I would have liked to see a little more noticeable plot developing in this chapter, I still think it was nicely done. :)
-SereneChaos, HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the imagery and I just have to say that I love your vocabulary--you really know what you are talking about!
At this point most of the action plot takes place with Isabel, but I will try to incorporate more events into the others'.
Thanks for the feedback!! Report Review
Ooh, this was interesting. I like your action and dialogue but I was a little confused at some points by what was actually going on. I understand that as a first person story, a character's mind isn't going to be giving description after description, but I do think there might be an easier way of telling the story.
I'm not sure if it's personal preference, but the beginning of this chapter may benefit from less description of clothing and the room clumped together. That first paragraph lost me a bit, simply because I generally don't have that much interest in reading about those things. You might try interspersing bits of description to create variety throughout the chapter. I've noticed you tend to have stretches of dialogue and then a chunk of description, which can be unnecessarily tedious to read all at once.
All that being said, I'm interested to see where you take this, and how your OCs develop.
-SereneChaos, HufflepuffAuthor's Response: first of all I really want to thank you for your review--it is so honest and very intelligent, not to mention helpful as hell!
I totally agree about the description/dialogue fluidity--or lack there of--and it is something I have to work on. I think I'm going to try to describing through out the scene, like you suggested, but I just struggle with giving the reader enough description to be able to understand the situation/environment and giving an overwhelming amount.
thanks again! Report Review
it's really good so far! good thing you put the translations at the end because I can't speak foreign languages at all. 9/10Author's Response: thanks so much!!! i'm glad the translations worked out--i was a bit nervous about that!
the second chapter has been submitted and is waiting for validation!
happy reading! Report Review
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