Oh wow. This was short but really packed a punch to my gut. Or heart...err...anyway...it was different in a sense that no one ever writes about Lily as this powerhouse and James/Sirius as these broken men, from what I normally read they are both able to still fight on no matter the pain and the deaths around them. I liked that Lily being pregnant is the thing that's going to connect them all, it's going to bring them hope and the drive to live because really that's what Harry was, even after they died he had people back him because he signified hope for a better day and that hope only came because of Lily and James. James almost seemed mechanical in this which was heart breaking and Sirius was just a shell of himself which was also heart breaking. Really wonderful piece.Author's Response: Thank you. Report Review
And what a start. This is incredible. The shortness, the effectiveness and the details really sold this to me! It was...amazing!
I love your characterisation of James and Lily. They are probably my OTP and you portrayed them so perfectly. Lily and James were amazing. They seemed so natural and realistic as well as reflecting to the canon. And the emotions, you wrote them so well I was close to crying!
This was so in depth and moving despite the short word count. It shouldn't have been longer or shorter, you fitted it all in and it was so perfect!
One but of constructive criticism. There were a few indents in paragraphs and these interrupted the flow a bit. Though they were not used all the time so it might just have been an accident.
Talking about flow, apart from that it seemed to work so well and effortlessly. It takes the reader on a journey through the story and makes them feel like they are there.
Your word choice and vocabulary is great. It flows well but gives it a little spark and insight to the character's by their body language.
The little moment at the end was so beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye how Harry (still unnamed at this point) was their thing to live for, to drive them through the war. Amazing.
Overall, this was written so perfectly and I loved it so much! Cannot wait to read more!
E xAuthor's Response: Thank for the review. Report Review
Wow. That was touching. Really, really gripping and emotional. Seeing Sirius reduced to this level was tough. James also seemed to be almost non-functional. Lily makes a great, strong female lead. She has something to live for, and now she's going to share it with the others, to help keep them strong.
I couldn't find anything to nit-pick on. No typos, great grammar, this was really well written. While it was short, you crammed a lot into it.
Well done!Author's Response: Great grammar? Me? Great Merlin, what's this? Report Review
After reading this chapter I am left with many questions. Mainly, I wish I knew more about what happened. From the clues I can guess that there was an attack during Sirius' wedding and that many people were killed or injured. In the end I am left hoping that more information will be coming in the next chapter.
The scene at the end with Lily telling James she was pregnant, was really sweet. With so much despair and death around them, it was nice to have that little bit of light to give them hope.
With that said, I have to admit that there were quite a few grammar problems in this chapter. Mostly is was the wording of some sentences that threw me off.
"Lily tried to pull him once and again," I felt that it would have read better without the "and" making the sentence: Lily tried to pull him once again.
"That wasn't good", I think that instead of using "that" it should be this. Mainly because I felt the story was being spoken in the present tense and using "that" seemed to make it into the past tense.
Same thing with, "That was suppose to be their happy day": change "that" to this.
"So, after all, he knew she was there" , I think that it would sound better if the "after all" was at the end: So he knew she was there after all.
"much stronger than her...and than anybody else": I don't think you need the "and".
"but all these things that happened..": it seemed a bit strangely worded maybe something like this: but then all this happened.
Overall, I really thought you did a great job on this chapter. I will admit that I am not the best person to ask about grammar rules, so I hope you don't mind that I gave these suggestions. It is going to be interesting to see where this story is going from here.
Keep up the good work, and don't give up.Author's Response: Thank you for all the great critic and sorry for this so late reply. Report Review
Oh this was such a sweet, saddening little story. It's one of the few that I found explored the emotional side of a character when dealing with war issues.
And I must admit their feelings were very well presented. You could feel their desperation, the threshold they reached. It almost seems as if from this point on everything goes downhill but not completely. Harry is the only one that managed to keep them above precipice. A very eloquent piece emotion wise.
What I'm curious about is the names engraved on the burial stones. I might be off here so correct me if I'm wrong but aren't Samantha and Rachel foreign names? They feel a bit odd to what we usually hear in the Potter universe.
Thanks for writing this story. I really enjoyed it!Author's Response: Thanks for another wonderful review of yours, Debra. You're the best! Report Review
Hi, WeasleyTwins here for the review extravaganza!
First of all, I just love the title. For me, it shows how broken they are [by way of the use of the comma]. I love the first several paragraphs - I felt the heartbreak of the characters and the sadness and the hopelessness. As to your ending, it couldn't be more fitting for Lily and James. They loved Harry so much. I like that you make his future life their saving grace from all of the loss and hopelessness. You've foreshadowed that Harry is their world now, for Sirius too, I believe.
Overall, I just really liked the deep emotional connection you've made with the reader through your words.
GryffindorAuthor's Response: Oh, thanks! All these reviews are so incredible... It's so good to know that my writing is actually good... The little thoughts I was said lately got me losing self-confidence. Reviews extravagaza was a saver for my muse (Mo, her name is Mo. And she's so lovely once you get to know her and writer her ideas. :D)! Report Review
i really liked that :) good job, although you could have put what happened before Sirius was hurt :) 8/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
Aw!! Major sweet moment there!! That was lovely, Ramona. Through all the tears and the hopelessness and the helplessness, through the effects of war, through the deaths of everyone they held dear, there was still something to live for, something to cling to, something to dream of. There was still hope. And that's the most important thing, isn't it? They lived through so much in that war, and survived so much (until, as fate had it, they didn't survive), that it's nice to see this little ray of sunshine on the horizon.
Fantastic job, I really enjoyed it. :D
melian (gryffindor)Author's Response: Thanks much, melian! I just love your reviews! Report Review
This was fantastic! I really loved every part of it. You did a great job of portraying Lily in this. The doubt, the dedication. It was all her. And the way you made James helpless for once, instead of her, was really creative. You showed a different side of him, but one that I could definitlely see in anyone. He just lost his parents, and then some of his friends. It has to take a toll on him. The emotion you evoked in this was gorgeous! I really liked it!
-NaidatheRavenclaw, RavenclawAuthor's Response: Thanks much for the wonderful review! Report Review
Hello my dear!
This was a great, higly emotional one-shot! I just love how you don't feel the need to put a great, long backstory and jsut put us right in it.
this was horribly sad though, how they have lost everything and everyone. Plus, reading James' less than optimistic thoughts and knowing that, in the end, he'll be right... That was tough.
The end tough, that left me a little cold. The change of attitude in James was so drastic, I felt it was hard to believe. I'm sure the guy would be happy to have a child but right now and there? When he's thinking about all that he has lost and the possibility of him or Lily dying soon? I find it hard to imagine he would suddently be happy.
Personnaly, I would imagine him being worried that he would have someone else to protect; someone else he might fear loosing. Like I said, I definitly see him as the kind of guy to be extatic at having a kid but upon learning the news like he did in your story, I felt his happiness wasn't totally believable.
This is my opinion though, you can throw it out the window, I don't mind! It is your story, it is great none the less and I really enjoyed it a lot, no matter what I said. Great work and kudos on a practically clean story; no glarring errors that I feel the need to mention!
Akussa (Gryffindor)Author's Response: The fear might come on the way... but that moment was their moment of hope. Thanks for the review, Akussa! Report Review
Oh my. This was a really sad story. I was very close to tears by the end of it. You portrayed Lily's helplessness and persistence really well. I really glad you ended the story on a slightly happy note. You worked Lily telling James about being pregnant perfectly. The plot line slowly built up to her telling him, and it was nice.
(Kat1394 - Gryffindor)Author's Response: Thanks! That was supposed to be a "born from own ashes" piece. That's why it was build up this way.
Ramona Report Review
Ahh! I loved this! You wrote this wonderfully, and really got the emotions of Lily across! I also really liked how both Sirius and James were really broken up over so many of their relatives' and friends' death, and you definitely managed to bring up the atmosphere of desperation and one filled with panic.
I loved the plot as well, how James is wondering what there is to live for? And then Lily telling him about the pregnancy. Gahh, I just really, really loved this. I loved all their characterisation and everything. Just a really wonderful piece!
- maskedmuggle, Ravenclaw :)Author's Response: Thanks. This was meant to be a piece for the Collaboration Contest, but it was after they graduated Hogwarts and well... After I realized I can't use it, I started thinking "What to do with it now?" and then it dawned to me "Oh, my page, duh!" Report Review
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