Please tell me that you're going to continue this story! I really want to know what happens...Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for reading and reviewing (again!). Undone was my first fan fiction that I ever wrote, and since then I've mainly focused on my other stories. It's fully planned out, and hopefully one day I'll get back to it. But I think I'll start again, make the chapters longer and add a bit more detail!
If I have time, I hope to do this over the Christmas holidays. :) Thank you again, it means a lot to see that people are reading my stories. :) Report Review
Whoa! Was not expecting Ron to be a dad! On to the next chapter to learn more!Author's Response: Haha! I think most people don't! Ron's my favourite character, and for some reason, when I started fanfiction, this was the first story that presented itself to me!
Thank you for reading and reviewing!
Keira :) Report Review
This is amazing!
I really hope you update it- I'd love to read more!
:DAuthor's Response: Hello :)
I haven't written Undone for so long which is ridiculous because it's my most well-planned story! I will get back to writing Undone soon! As soon as this writer's block decides to fade :D
Thanks for reviewing! Keira :) Report Review
My mind...just exploded.
There was so much there! I just--wow! Holy overload! I'd really like to leave you a long review but I have to keep reading! The last one I leave should be longer!
I am such a hypocrite, and the very last thing I should be doing is commenting on grammar and whatnot but oh gosh:3 I love you dearly--of course-- but there was a fair few errors.
But this is your first fanfic, so it's understandable(: If anyone were to look at my first...well, I'd rather not consider that! xD
EverAuthor's Response: Boo!
Haha - I didn't expect you to read this one :P Yeah - it was my first fanfiction so it's strange to go back and look! :P
I really want to carry this one on as I had a cunning plot - mwahaha - but... meh I might go back in summer xD
Thanks for reviewing Ever! :) Report Review
Hi. well, I came in late. Just found your story through another story and am reading it also. I normally hate stories where Ron has been naughty but this one caught my interest. I just hope that it ends well for Ron and Hermione... Do you plan to keep them together??? NO.. wait! Don't tell me. I will read. I hope you continue soon.
Look forward to more.
PattyAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Well thank you very much for reading! I love Ron! :P And well.. I can't say much but this story is staying as canon as possible ;) With a few major tweaks xD
Haha - I've put this story on hold for the moment as I'm focussing on my other main three - Mischief Managed, Playing at War and Outcast. But as soon as my exams are over, I'm definetly planning to go back to this! :)
Thanks for reviewing! Keira :) Report Review
I have just read all 3 chapters, and I am intrigued to find out what happens next! Update soon please! Love Livvy xxxAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Thank you very much! I'm not really focussing on this story at the moment due to my other fics, but I will continue it (hopefully soon)!
So look out for new chapters :) Report Review
Oooh, I so did not expect that! Well, I sort of did after the summary, but I didn't at the same time...argh. That was a twist ending to the first chaoter, let's leave it at that alright? This had such a genius way of writing, with the mystery of what's going on and all. Just please don't write dialouge in italics, un;ess it's a flashback or something. It's quite annoying to read like that... Other than that, great job on this chapter!
Happy New year!Author's Response: Hello! :D
Thank you! Yes the italics will be edited out and the dialogue will be fixed as soon as the queue reopens!
Thanks for the review and Happy New Year! Report Review
The italics, they're gone! I'm sorry if I sound slightly rude but it makes it so much easier to read this without them, my eyes don't know what they're reading with too many italics! I feel like your writing has dramatically improved in this chapter, not that it was bad before, but I just feel like you're more into this chapter than the previous two.
I think you characterised the Weasley family really well in this chapter, I can imagine them all acting like this- especially Molly! In your request, you wanted me to tell you whether I thought this was believable enough to happen to Ron's fifth year and to be honest with you, originally I didn't think so but as I've read more into it I know firmly believe it could have happened. Though I would be interested to see a bit of back story about Laura and Ron's meeting. I also enjoyed how you added Percy in- I'm not a big fan of him but I found his and Arthur's scareaming fest rather enjoyable!
I hope these reviews have helped you somewhat and I'm very interested to see what's going to happen next. Thank you for requesting!
x ElyAuthor's Response: Yey! The italics are gone :D
Thinking about it, I'm not sure whether I'll alter the first two chapters that much (though the italics are a biggie!) as it does show my developing style.. hmmm :P
Your reviews have been helpful and thank you for doing them!
Keira :) Report Review
Hello again, hopefully you remember who I am from my last review and therefore there is no need for introductions :P
I really love the idea of Ron's clock, while it's not overly important to the story (weirder things have happened), I enjoyed it and the 'Ginger's up' comment made me giggle. I liked how you gave Ron a muggle job, I think it definitely could have happened somewhere in his life though I can imagine Arthur demanding that he bring things back. Again, the italics still throw me off a little but I am slowly adapting to them- I still firmly believe you should discuss them with a beta though!
I love the Muggle character- Tony, that you added in- though I'm guessing he is mainly there to fill the spaces, I'm not sure why but I find him interesting and perhaps comical relief later on. The story between Laura and Ron interests me and I love the fact Laura is Mr Gregor's daughter, I didn't see that one coming. I feel an instant dislike to the Gregor family, though I keep imaging that Laura is really this different girl inside- maybe that's just me seeing the good in people.
I will see you in the next chapter (which will be my last review)!
x ElyAuthor's Response: Yes.. I think I can remember you ;)
Thank you :) I just always imagined that Molly wuld of made the children an individual clock each :D
The italics will definetly be going in January! I completely forgot all about them til your reviews!
I'll definetly be carrying this on soon though - but I think a bit of a rewrite is needed!
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Well hello there, I'm ElysiumJayne from the forums- You requested a review from me back in August! First and foremost, Sorry for taking so long to getting to you- real life can be annoying sometimes, can't it?
Now onto the review, I find your first paragraph very intriguing though I feel it might make more of an impact with better spacing- I feel it would make it more dramatic and would hook the readers into the story quicker. I'm not sure whether you have a beta reader or not, but if you then you should discuss that with them and see their views on the matter!
On reading the second part, I was slightly confused by the complete change of view- one second you were writing in third person and the next in first? The italics really messed me around though, is Ron thinking about what is being said or something? Once again, I would consider bringing this up with a beta as it is very confusing!
Other than that, I really enjoyed the plot you have set out- I've never read anything quite like it and your characterisation of Ron is great. I'm interested to see who the soon-to-be mother is!
Thank you for requesting and once again, Sorry for taking so long.
x ElyAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Don't worry about the wait! I don't mind in the slightest xD
I haven't written Undone for a while as I've moved on to lots of other fics but I'm planning on coming back to it at one point! (hopefully soon!)
The italics need changing! I keep forgetting to do this! I wrote this about 6 months ago when I was new to the site and just wrote randomly ;)
Spacing, italics and alter the thrid-person narative. Got it :) I'll change them as soon as the queue reopens :)
Thanks you for the review :) Report Review
macadamianwonders here again.
I feel so sorry for Ron. I know I really shouldn't be laughing at his situation, but I can't help it. Left with three dead pigs? So funny. Maybe it's because it's Ron. I just think everything he does is funny. But really, you did a great job of portraying the action, his feelings, and just everything.
I thought the Gregors were great OCs. I don't know why, but I just seem to find everything funny. I imagine Mr Gregor being a large old man with a funny moustache, which in itself is a terribly funny mental picture (for me at least). Laura seems like such an angry person. I think it would be great fun to see her annoyed. :) I wonder why, or how, Ron even met her.
The Gregors actually kind of remind me of the Dursleys. One child, brat-like. And they're trying so hard to be normal, forcing the baby onto Ron because they don't want it. Maybe Laura won't want to give up the baby later? Then they'll have to come back into the story. I guess I can always hope for that.
Just some things I noticed:
You spelt it with an extra i after the n. Both times.
-...would of hired one Robert!
-... my arrival, it couldn’t of I ...
Here you wrote would of instead of would have
and couldn't of instead of couldn't have
Anyway, fantastic chapter! Good job.Author's Response: Thanks for this! I missed those errors! I'm glad you saw the conection, I didn't realise myself until it had been validated!
THanks for the great review :) Report Review
Hey! macadamianwonders here from the forums with your requested review.
Interesting story. It's very original. I certainly wasn't expecting Ron to be a father, or almost-father. But considering that, I would have thought 6th year seems a better time to set this story. But is this the summer before or after 6th year?
As for characterisation, I thought you did a great job. You capture the feel of the Weasleys very well. I especially liked Fred and George and their banter. Ron was a little different from canon, but I think that's to be expected with what he's going through. That being said, I wouldn't have expected Ron to do this anyway. I mean, maybe it's just me, but I never imagined Ron being that kind of person.
Anyway, it's very interesting to have him working in a muggle shop (is it muggle?). It makes sense that Ron would have some kind of contact with the muggles since he lives in near them. And L seems like someone Ron would clash with, so I guess their relationship will be interesting too.
I didn't notice many errors here, but I there were a few missing punctuation marks that you may want to fix.
Anyway, good job :)Author's Response: Thankyou!
As for Ron's age, I've actually set the story just before 5th year, which is very young! I'm planning on explaining it in more detail though which should clear a few things up.
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hi there, it's Atomic from the forums responding to your review request!!
So, I think you definitely have a very unique plot here. And while I think Ron might be a little young for the story, it definitely still fits in very well. You've done a great job keeping things cannon (except the spelling of Azkaban, but no big) but the characterization and everything is all very good! I would just recommend a beta to take care of some minor grammar/spelling issues. But otherwise, I think you're doing a grand job! Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thankyou!
I knew I spelt Azkaban wrong, but couldn't remember how to spell it for the life of me! :P
I'll be going into more details in the next few chapters which would hopefully make Ron's age seem more possible.
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hello dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your final review!
Very interesting. You nailed the tension in the chapter. I do have to say I giggled a bit at Ron attempting to bring his whole family down even though it was a serious situation. The inclusion of Percy leaving his family was perfect for this chapter as well, it sort of takes some pressure off of Ron I think because we know that Molly was devestated once Percy broke ties with them and she wasn't really her old fighting self anymore for quite some time.
Not much to say. Except I do have one thing (and I swear I'm not nitpicky I'm just trying to help):
- 'AND DON'T RETURN UNTIL NEARLY GONE MIDNIGHT WITH A BAG FULL OF MUGGLE MONEY IN YOUR ROOM.'
This sentence seems off. Should it be "and don't return until nearly midnight with a bag full of muggle money in your room' OR 'and gone until nearly midnight with a bad full of muggle money in your room'
Just a small suggestion have you thought of getting a beta? They work wonders with tenses, grammar and all that stuff. You have a very good story with an excellent concept that is very different compared to everything else out there it just needs to be edited a bit but you're still doing a wonderful job!
Hope i helped and thanks for requesting!Author's Response: These were fantastic reviews, so thank you very much :) They've all helped a lot! I had thought about getting a beta, but have decided that I'd get to a certain chapter before I ask for help, othrwise I might get so caught up with correcting grammar that I'd loose some focus on the actual story.
But thanks so much for these great reviews :) Report Review
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your review again!
Well, hello description-er! You were holding back a bit with the first chapter eh? Giving more a good taste for us with this one! I LOVED the descriptions. I could see the rusty old bike, I could see Ron jumping over the bushes and throwing his leg over the Cleansweep and taking off to fly. Wonderful job dear, wonderful job!
As for Gregor, well he's a...how do I put this nicely...a greasy old git. I was so upset for Ron as I was reading this. The girl clearly doesn't care for him just because she might have gotten drunk and he, doesn't me he forced her to do anything. Of course she's her father's little girl so Ron is in the wrong naturally. She seems like a brat but I suppose we won't see her that much anymore after that bombshell. Even though it seemed momentarily that she disagrees with her father but only time will tell I suppose.
I can already feel the drama that's going to unfold. I'm wondering if Ron will lie or tell the truth to his family. It'll be interesting to see how he can handle a child and Hogwarts at the same time...and Harry because let's face it Harry Potter is a handful. Haha!
Just a few things:
- as long as if I didn't go too fast.
- After cutting the piece of rope, grabbing the bike handle and cringing and the bike creaked under my weight,
The first sentence should be 'as long as I didn't go too fast'
The second sentence you have an extra 'and. It just sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps changing it to '...grabbing the bike handle and cringing as the bike creaked under my weight...'
Now, to chapter three!Author's Response: Thankyou again!
Once again I had missed those errors! So cheers for that :) - I often have a stupid habit of putting 'and' when i mean 'as'
Oops! Thanks :) Report Review
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your requested review! Sorry it has taken me so long! Let's get down to business, shall we?
Well! Interesting first chapter/concept. The ending threw a curveball my way, especially the last sentence. I figured Ron was hiding something, that was obvious but a soon to be child? I didn't get that. The chapter was filled with suspense, a good amount not so much where I'm pulling my hair out because you're telling us nothing. I like that you didn't give everything away. It started with Ron sort of nervous to come home, a dinner that could very well happen in the books between the Weasley's. Fred and George are just as funny here as they are in the books and you have written Molly just as she should be! I also like that you haven't exactly told us who the girl is and that she's a Muggle, letting us know that makes the story even more interesting. Questions arise such as: How did they meet then? What prompted Ron to do what he did? What is her family like? How did he tell her he's a wizard? How did she take it?
As for Ron being in character, yes I think he is to a certain extent. You have written him in canon and yet you have written him sort of out of character which works perfectly because of the time (the upcoming war--everything starts to become darker with this year and the next ones) and his current situation (he's about to be a father, he has worries, he has a secret job and this secret life and his family is struggling). I think the year works fine because the story is believable and it COULD happen to just about anyone. People make mistakes right?
Just a few things. I found one error in this sentence:
- his ankles, revealing what his family would to refer to as 'Muggle clothes'.
You have an extra 'to' there that needs to be deleted. Other than that there weren't any errors. Except you need to make sure you add a few periods here and there where it's necessary to show an ending of a sentence and the italics were a bit confusing because you italicized for Ron's thoughts and conversations. It's not really necessary to italicize conversation unless it's flashback but maybe that's just my personal preference/what I'm used too.
Anyway it's a good start! I'm interested in reading more.Author's Response: Thankyou for such a great review! I hadn't noticed the extra 'to' at all so will rectify that mistake immediately! :D
Someone else also mentioned the italics and so I stopped using them in future chapters, but completly forgot to change this chapter!
Thankyou for such an honest review! Report Review
Hi! This is Erised with your review.
I really enjoyed this! I thought that it was a great, filled with suspense opening that really grabs the reader's attention. You've created mystery and tension really effectively, and it leaves the reader wondering what's to come. An excellent opening!
I loved how we don't know who 'L' is, and find out the premise of the story only at the end with the hard hitting last line. This was really well done and I completely wasn't expecting the last line to be that! Fab work.
Apologies for this review not being very long, but I don't really have any criticisms. Overall I think this is a great start and I'd love to see more. Please feel free to re-request in my thread :)Author's Response: Thankyou very much :) It's my first fanfiction so I'm really grateful for these reviews! Report Review
Hey there, I'm here with the review you asked for.
For your first fic, it was really good. Very unique and written well. It was obvious that the fic was plotted out and that's something I greatly appreciated. Your grammar and punctuation was good as well. Just a few places where commas were misused or could have been added but that's minor so no big issue.
I've never read a story like this before. You wouldn't expect that to happen to Ron, but still, it was very believable! I think you did a great job writing it. The characterization is most definitely fitting. You managed to capture the Ronald Weasley from the Harry Potter books, but in a non-canon way which is difficult a lot of the time, but done very well in your case.
I could definitely find myself believing this story. It fit in with everything going on. You did a very good job trying to keep it as canon as possible and still making it your own. The only thing I could really tell you to do is add in a bit more imagery and description. The descriptions were pretty blank, and there wasn't anything to imagine in your head.
Over all though, very good! I enjoyed reading the first chapter and I can't wait to see what you have in store for the next few chapters. This sounds like an interesting fic with much potential. Great work!
-marissa lily potterAuthor's Response: Thankyou for such a helpful review! I've been writing more descriptions in my drafts but thought I was going on for too long so I deleted them! Will keep your review in mind for the future!
Thanks again :) Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your requested review!
First of all, I think you've got the tone of your story nailed down. I could really feel the tension, and the mystery of it all. The reader is left asking, "What's going on?" But in a good sort of way.
I think that changing the year is honestly a matter of personal preference. For me, the younger the student is, the more unrealistic it is. But that's not saying that it's not possible, and who says you have to write something that's completely realistic? And who says my way of thinking is realistic? If you see Ron as being capable of having a Christmas fling that young, then that's what you want for the story.
I loved the characterization you gave to the Weasley family. I think that's important because Ron has done something so wildly not canon. But Fred and George were perfect, and truly funny. I could feel the added stress on the family.
There were a few punctuation things that could be cleaned up with some close reading. A beta would be great to help with those small sort of things.
I think you've got a very original story here, and I'm interested to see where you go with it.Author's Response: Thanks :)
I was worried about the age because originaly I completely agreed with you but the plot I have in mind fits so well with Book 5! It's a bit of a challenge I'm atempting to get over!
Thanks for your help :) Report Review
i think your story has a really unique plot. its definitely a breath of fresh air compared to a lot of other things on the site and i enjoyed reading it =)
best of luck to you! keep writing!Author's Response: Thankyou :) I'm enjoying writing it so I'm glad you liked reading it :D
Keira7794 Report Review
Awww poor Ron. :(
First his family, then Mr. Gregor, then the Gregors, then his family. Poor Ron can't get a break.
Wonderful chapter! I can't wait to see what happens next, especially since the Gregors are going to leave without a trace and leave the baby behind with Ron.
Keep up the great writing! :)Author's Response: Thankyou!
I'm writing the 3rd chapter now :) Hopefully be up within the week :D
Keira x Report Review
Hello there! Phoenixflames19 here from the forums with your requested review. I apologize for the time lapse, but i have been quite busy of late.
The major thing I noticed right off the bat was you seem to have trouble sticking to first-person pronouns. Definitely something to clear up, since a few times I was confused about what was going on.
The other thing I'm confused about is whether you were flashing back to the part about Fred and George and Ginny and the firework. All those italics were confounding. Perhaps it would make more sense if you just proceeded through the chapter as though everything was happening in the order it was meant to? Either that, or remove some of the less-important parts of the flashback.
However, I am definitely tempted to keep reading. I have a guess as to who "L" is, but I really want to find out. This is going to be fun.
So, to your specific concerns: I already addressed the grammar thing. You just need to make sure you have all first-person pronouns. Specifically in the last true paragraph, the line after that, and the paragraph starting with "Of course, I could ask Harry..." The only thing you dragged out too long was the flashback. A lot of it was superfluous if it is indeed a flashback and you don't mean for it to just be part of the story that happens and he goes up to his room and ruminates on it afterward. I'm not sure if that made sense, but I was just trying to say the same thing I said earlier. As for the year you set it in, that's really up to you. It's true we don't see as much of him in fifth year because of Quidditch and Harry's detentions and Lavender. So perhaps that would be better.
I think that's all, hope it helped. Good luck with the rest!
wbm/pfAuthor's Response: Hello :)
It isn't actually a flashback so I'll re-edit it to make it abit more clear :)
I'll also go over the tenses again, so thanks for pointing it out :)
Keira x Report Review
Ahh! She's an OC! I see now.
Wow, intense chapter. It was full of a lot of emotion. For sure.
I feel so bad for Ron. I just feel like it's a Everybody Hate On Ron Party. :P And that's sad.
This was a good chapter. Yes, indeed. What will Laura do getting pregnant so young? Yikes. I'm curious to see where you take this!
Good job. I feel like the flow of this chapter went a lot better. There was more emotion, actions, and descriptions to it than the first chapter. So everything is more spaced out and even. Great job! ;)
Forum Name: Phoenix_Flames
House: HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thankyou so much for your quick and friendly reviews :)
I'm writing the third chapter now so it'll be hopefully up soon :)
Keira x Report Review
Hello there! :) I'm here with your review as requested.
This was a nice opening chapter to the story. It was enjoyable and intriguing. You have such a different Ron here and everything is so interesting. He's sneaking around and being such a bad boy. ;)
You have an interesting grammar and set up strategy. It's odd to see the dialogue in italics, and really it's not necessary grammatically. But if you want your dialogue in italics, that's fine. Generally for dialogue you see it as such: "Hello!" or something like that.
Also, I just wanted to remind you that when you do have dialogue, once they are done speaking, there needs to be some sort of closing punctuation before the ending quotation marks. Either a period or a comma depending on the type of sentence. ;) Just some future tips!
Fred and George were funny in the beginning. And very in character. I enjoyed seeing them bother Ron like that. Oh, and Mrs. Weasley. Yes, always the protective mother. You did a great job with her, making her that predictable, protective mother JKR made her.
Hmmm. L? Should I guess Lavender? Interesting!
And wow way to end the chapter! That's a very surprising fact, and with you wondering what year you should set this story, I would say with as late as possible. It doesn't really seem like Ron to become a father at so young, so I would definitely say sixth year. Especially if this is Lavender. Lavender was in year six, and all the Quidditch you mentioned occurred in year six. Ron didn't play Quidditch any other year. ;)
Great start to the story. Well done! Off to chapter two!
Forum Name: Phoenix_Flames
House: HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thankyou :)
I'll re-edit the chapter to change the italics and punctuation as soon as I have time. Yes, I think i'll leave it as sixth year - you're right, it's better if its later :)
Thankyou for the great advice and reviews :)
Keira x Report Review
Oh poor Ron :'(
This one made me year up a little at the end, and get slightly annoyed at the same time, Silly Muggle parents not understanding the wizarding world or Harry Potter, stupid people!! -.-
Anyway, I ma back with another review ^.^
This chapter was really good. It had alot of background detail, explaining that he had got er drunk and Pregnant, plus I loved the scene that I have in my head of Molly standing at Ginny's window hollering down to the Garden at him that was halarious, but nothing made me laugh as much as this part ^.^
-‘It’s Ronald sir’
‘Do you really think I care? You ignorant prat, when I was your age... I laughed so hard! It was priceless. I just couldn't stop laughing ^.^ I keep scrolling up just to re-read it ..< It's really good.
You really have a good techinique set up here with your writing and the plot, the plot is half way in between knowing whats going to happen and being left in suspense. Like Molly at the end, Oh the Suspense, being told your going to have to look after a child cause you got their daughter inpregnatet - Silly Boy - Plot line thickens.
This was a really funny chapter and I quite enjoyed it !! Thank you for the amazing read, and if you ever want another review, feel free to re-request, but remember to rate your link ;) xx
Forum name: MyMyMiss
House: Slytherin.Author's Response: Thankyou very much :)
I hadn't noticed the tenses until now so thanks for that :) I'm halfway through Chapter 3 now so hopefully itll be up within the next week (depending on the length of the queue)!
Thanks for the great reviews and giving me the determination to carry on!
Keira :) Report Review
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