Reading Reviews for Nox.
  
26 Reviews Found

Review #1, by teh tarik Chapter Two.

25th November 2012:
Hello! teh tarik here, reviewing your entry to the 2012 Apocalyptic AU Challenge :D

I'm really sorry it's taken my such a long time to respond since you posted the link on the thread :( Anyway, as I mentioned in the Challenge description, I'll be reviewing and judging the first 10,000 words of a longer work, so for your story it will be the prologue plus the first two chapters.

I'm really impressed at the scale of the alternate universe setting that you've created. It is very ambitious, and very convincingly detailed. I especially love the part about the lost incantations and the slow dwindling of the magical community. It's a fantastic idea, and a very bleak one as well.

You've also introduced quite a large cast of characters within a short space of time, and their interactions with one another are interesting and at times, provide very nice contrasts to each other (e.g. Carmen's fieriness vs. Delilah's cool) and the dialogue is realistic. So far it's been wonderful to read about Carmen's recklessness, Silver's cruelty, Zane's arrogance, etc. I'm glad you move between the POVs of different characters constantly, as this makes the plot a lot more complex and does increase the story tension. There is a nice balance of action and slower-paced scenes.

I'm very curious about the title of the story, Nox. Right now I can only assume you took it from the counter-spell to Lumos, and thus has something to do with darkness. It sounds like a great story title :)

This has been a very exciting read and I'm very glad that you chose to enter this into my challenge. While I won't be judging future chapters, I will certainly come back to read them :D Thanks for participating!

-teh

Author's Response: Well, if you are apologizing for taking such a long time to review this, I've got my turn in apologizing for taking so long to respond to this! RL has been such a whirlwind that I haven't checked my reviews/HPFF in over two weeks! D:

Anyway, I'm glad you like it! :) I always seem to do that, the introducing a large cast in the first few chapters, but especially in a story such as this one, I can't think of how else to have done it! Every character plays a key role in the story (or so I hope!) and thus needs to be seen by the reader! :D However, I'm glad it wasn't too much. I've really struggled with introducing the lot of characters but doing it well done in the past. I'm glad it all makes sense and that you're enjoying the introductions! I tried my best to throw lots of plot in there too so not only is it intros, but it's also moving the story along! And I'm glad you think it flows well! :)

You're correct in guessing the significance of the title, though the title will come into play even more than that in the later chapters. (If I ever get around to writing again!) :)

Thank you for the very kind review! It kind of really made my day! :)

-Becca


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Review #2, by TheHeirOfSlytherin Chapter Three.

20th October 2012:
Like when I said Katrina may be my favorite vampire, I think Ben may be my favorite human. Despite his hatred for vampires, he still has honor as she's a girl. Which makes him awesome. His honor will lead him to doing what he knows is right, I think. Or I can assume, because I don't know.

I can't believe they'd keep a human in a cell with someone they believe to be a dangerous monster, even if they don't have enough energy to make another energy field. It makes me wonder about Delilah.

I'm glad Katrina is able to resist the urges. Maybe then they'll see not all vampires are monsters...

And the story about Pollock intrigued me. I like the idea that your magic is gone when you're bitten, like it being sucked out, and that was how the vampires took control. Really interesting idea.

I can't wait for the next chapter.

Sam.

Author's Response: Hey Sam! :)

Hmm, I wonder if your opinion will change or not as the story progresses! I like them too, but I'm not yet sure which one is my favorite in each category :) I definitely like Ben's back story, since it's soo sad! And I love guys who stand up for a girl, even if she's not technically human :) Haha, this is a quality I will be sure to write more of, because you're spot on, it will be a defining quality for one of our awesome heroes :)

Well, yes, though they would have done a search and deemed Ben to be a little more of a threat since he obviously knows how to hunt (from his bow) and he has a wand which means he's a wizard. Mostly, it's essential for Katrina and Ben to meet.

I had a hard time writing that part. I rewrote that scene again and again. I don't know how much restraint it would take, as I'm obviously not a vampire, but I tried to write it as convincingly as I could ;)

That took a long time to develop as well. In fact, I've got a prequel planned after the completion of this, but definitely not the same length... probably a novella at longest. But it was important to me to be able to explain everything, so I thought long and hard about how the whole thing would need to have worked!

Hope to get in the groove of writing again! I definitely miss it and it was way too long in between updates for this chapter and the last! Hope to see you around again! :)

-Becca


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Review #3, by TheHeirOfSlytherin Chapter Two.

20th October 2012:
I really liked finding out Ben's backstory before we met him in the present; knowing how he lost his father, and then hearing that he'd just lost his mother as well, allowed his feeling of revenge and want to get to the camp to make so much more sense then if we hadn't had the backstory, I think. I look forward to reading Katrina's.

Rosetta is the girl from the beginning, yes? Anyway, I feel so sorry for Carmen; losing her sister, then finding Rosetta, only to potentially lose her, too. I love the loyalty she has for her, and maybe even Beau... Could something go on between those two? I was like 'whoa, really' when he said he couldn't lose her.

Next chapter. :)

Sam.

Author's Response: Hi again!

I had a lot of people request some of this for each chapter so little by little information about the characters- where they got to where they are when you meet them so it's not little information in a vast universe as it's about 300 years into the present setting of next generation xP

Ben's back story actually made me cry, and I was the one writing it!

Yes, Rosetta is the one from the beginning! And she has quite the story too, so when we get into her point of view again, I'll be telling hers :) I'd like to get into Carmen's family background-- you know, embellishing on the tidbit that she'd lost a sister and how she met the rebels/Beau. Speaking of that... my lips are sealed! They are very close though! :)

Thanks again for stopping by and reviewing! :D

-Becca


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Review #4, by TheHeirOfSlytherin Chapter One.

20th October 2012:
Katrina is my favorite character so far, within the vampires anyway. I love that she is careful around her sister, but not a completely 'I do as I'm told' type of girl. I imagine her to be key in helping the humans in the war, at least that's what I thought when it said she was captured by the Enemy. I wonder what will happen...

As for Zane; is he still human? Are they turning him soon, or have they already and that was looking back? He seems very arrogant, but not stupid enough to defy a vampire king, and there's something about him that I like.

The sister is really evil. I kind of love that. Especially because the "bad guy" is a woman. :D

I'm really excited to read more of this story. :)

Sam.

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks for reading and taking the time to review! Three new reviews always brightens a day right up! ^_^

I'm glad you like Katrina! I'm still working on making her a round character, a character who is interesting and not cliche! It's hard with all the vampire lit out there!

Yes, Zane is still human! I actually had to look back and check to see what I'd written to give you an answer, whoops! He's being turned on his eighteenth birthday, which will be coming up soon! Hmm, you like him? Haha!

Yeah, I need to work on her a little bit, but I do like her as an evil villain. Not even Pollock compares to her in that category! :P

Thanks again and reviewing! Made my night to see them all! :)

-Becca


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Review #5, by Cassius Alcinder Chapter Two.

24th March 2012:
Thanks for the review swap, I'm back for chapter 3!

Ben definetely seems like an interesting character, and I think the his backstory helps shed a lot of light on his motivations and how he came to choose the path of rebellion. He has clearly lost a lot at the hands of the vampires.

The situation with the rebels seems very interesting as well, and the plot has definetely thickened with Katrina's mysterius arrival. There has definetely been a lot of suspense built up, and the anticipation of the coming conflict is really building.

This is a very interesting world you've created here, and I like the amount of detial you've put into it. I'm just a little confused about where it fits into the timing of the HP universe. It feels like medieval times, is it around the founder's era?

Great job so far, the story is very gripping.

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you as well for the review swap! I'd been meaning to get back to your story for quite some time, let me tell you! :)

I really wanted to portray that with Ben. His story is heartbreaking, and I wanted to show that his story truly shapes into the person he is. Another reviewer told me she'd like to see some more background on the characters so I've decided that from now on, I'll be interjecting little backstories for at least one character a chapter, so look for that if you continue on! :)

This era is actually set about 250 years after the epilogue, so quite some time in the future! Though I suppose it could work either way (to put it in medieval times or in the future) I felt like after centuries and centuries of being the underdog, it'd be more plausible for vampires to rise up so that's why I set it when I did!

Thanks for the lovely review! :)

~VioletBlade


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Review #6, by RosieQueen Prologue.

23rd March 2012:
Such a fantastic, unique story! You portrayed the mood very well. I find it a bit depressing the wizards all died out! Vampires, oh how little Rowling told us about them. Yet something about them in the series made me quite curious. Somehow, this story greatly reminds me of the Hunger Games! Is that what you based it off on? I loved your description! The mental images were so vivid! Very good prologue, it's amazing, and it does a good job of luring readers into the story. Very few critiques am I able to make other than the fact that at times, it was just a teensy bit hard to follow. Anyway, wonderful chapter. I love your writing style! :D

Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) The Wizards didn't ALL die out, but most of them did or were turned into vampires. The ones remaining have weaker magic as they've lost spells and powers throughout the vampires' tyrannical reign. I know! She hardly mentions them at all, which definitely gives me free reign which is kind of a scary thing! But since they are hardly mentioned, I find them very intriguing! :)

I actually didn't base this story off the Hunger Games, but rather a short story called The Lottery. Have you read it? Completely and totally chilling! (And it came way before The Hunger Games!) But that is a compliment if my writing and the story reminds you of The Hunger Games as it's one of my favorite series! :)

Thank you again so much! Yes, it is a bit hard to follow but I didn't want to spell everything out in the prologue so I tried going the more vague route. I think it works, but yes, it can be confusing!!

This review made my day, so thanks so much for the swap! :D

~VioletBlade


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Review #7, by apocalypse Chapter Two.

21st March 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! First, I really need to apologise for being so horribly late with your review! I've been crazy busy these past few days so I'm sorry I took so long to come over to this chapter.

Firstly, I'd like to tell you how wonderful it was to come back to your story! It's so out of the way and definitely different than the others that I feel fresh whenever I read it. =) I think that your idea of the story is developing very nicely, and this time, I'm very glad to notice that you've finally started to reveal some crucial points of the history.

Ben! Ooh, new character. I think I really like him! His ambition is what grabbed my interest in the first place and then slowly, the way you described him in the forest and then made him go to the rebels to ask them to release Katrina, I started liking him a lot =)

Also! I'm so very very glad that you included some of his history in the start of the chapter; it gave us a very good insight into his life and the way he ended up where he was. Since he's a new addition, I think that his history had a very good impact on his entrance into the story. See, I told you how important background information was; it leaves an impact on the reader and makes sure that the reader remembers the character. I really hope that you'll do that with Carmen and Beau too, soon, as I'm really interested in their story =D

Okay, to answer your questions. Yes, your detail has gotten better a lot! Compared to your previous chapters, the level of detail was improved and I was glad to see how you paid so much attention to the detail of even the tiniest of things. The first scene was an indication for improvement in detail; then the way you described Ben running through the forest looking for the cave and finally the way Carmen's emotions were written; all of these added to the details of the chapter and made it sound complete. I remember writing in my previous review that your story was giving an incomplete look; now I can say that that feeling is gone. Despite the plot details that are missing, the writing now gives a complete look. =)

The description was impeccable. I think that you have done a very good job of describing the relationships of the rebels with each other and the feelings they have for their fellows. Your dialogue proved to be a very strong point for you in this chapter; it was able to convey so many emotions and feelings that simple description might not have been able to do. For instance, Carmen's anguish at finding out about Rosetta told so much about her character. I think that you've used Rosetta's selection very well. I completely understand why Carmen felt the way she did about Rosetta and I felt her sadness the way you wanted me to.

Also, I think that you've described the relationship between Carmen and Beau very well. It's so much more mature and developed than most friendships are and has an interesting factor that keeps you interested in them.

Okay, over to the talk about the plot twists. What is Katrina doing?! Honestly, when I read that it was Katrina, I was like 'What?! She's got to be crazy for just walking into a their hideout!' I think that it was the most intriguing twist in the story. Eh, now I'm excited for the rebels. They finally have an advantage over the vampires! =D And I can't believe they captured Ben; he was there to help them! Though I do understand their situation too, they can't really trust him either. I think I'm babbling now and should really stop. Oh, it's so good to be back reviewing! =D

Anyway, it was lovely to be back to this story! Sorry for the ridiculously long review, I was having too much writing it. Don't forget to re-request! Good Luck and Happy Writing! =D

Author's Response: Hi! No need to apologize! In fact, I really apologize about the lateness of this response! It's been crazy the past 24 hours for me!

That is such a nice thing to say! Thank you! I'm glad you think it's a refreshing story! :)

Oh good! *wipes brow* I'm really happy you think it's developing better now and I really took your suggestions from before to heart- that's why I've decided from now on to start off my chapters with a featured character's backstory, or at least an important snippet that is! Next chapter will be a little background to how Pollock rose to power from Katrina's point of view. (sort of like a fairytale bedtime story if you will :))

Yes! A new character! I'd like to develop him a lot more as he ends up being crucial to the story line! I'm glad you like him! He's basically desperate at this point because he has nowhere else to go but to the rebels camp and if they're attacked by the army, he'll literally have nobody who can help him anymore. That's why he did what he did, telling them to release Katrina.

Yes, his backstory actually made ME cry as I was re-reading it before submitting it. That's when you know you've got an attachment to your character! :P And yes, I definitely plan on doing that with Carmen and Beau as well! Carmen in particular has a very interesting backstory, so stay tuned for that one ;)

I'm glad you feel as if my detail has improved! I really strove for that in this chapter! And I know, there are crucial plot details missing, but those will appear gradually in future chapters and hopefully before too long you'll have a better sense of this dystopian universe! :)

That made me smile so big! I'm really happy to hear that about my description! It's something I've been trying to improve a lot over the course of my writing here on HPFF and to know I've succeeded in doing that for at least one story is not something I take lightly! :) I really did get into that scene with Carmen, sort of projecting the emotions I would feel if I were in her situation and it was one of my sisters that were taken. I just wanted to convey the pain I'd feel for Carmen, so I'm pleased to know that shone through!

Ahh, Carmen and Beau! Although they would never act on anything, there are little hints here and there! I can promise you there will be more on that! Also, I believe them to be sort of the best of friends. They've both lost so much and are struggling in this world they're trying to change. Plus, they're both very strong people who know how to lead so that draws them together as well!

Yep, she very much is crazy! I'll have her explanation for what she was thinking in Chapter 3, but yes, she was definitely NOT thinking straight! :P And I know it! I know, it was crazy they put him next to her, but that too is a crucial plot detail as well! :)

I like your rambling, don't worry! :D It makes me feel good about myself that someone really likes this story that they would babble! (That's when I usually babble anyway, hehe!)

It was a great surprise! I'm so happy you covered everything in so much depth and it was seriously helpful feedback so thank you!

~VioletBlade


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Review #8, by Cassius Alcinder Chapter One.

14th March 2012:
Wow this chapter really added some new dimensions to the story. I like how you showed us different points of view, letting us see both the vampires and the resistance.

You created some very interesting characters here. When you're using this many OC's, its important to develop them well since the reader won't know anyhting about them in advance, and so far so good where that's concerned.

I'm really impresed with how you've been able to pretty much create your own era and universe from scratch, you obviously put a lot of thought and planning into this.

The story continues to flow very well, and engross the reader with its potential suspense and sense of danger. Plus your depiction of vampires seems so fitting. You're a much better writer than Stephanie Meyer in my opinion.

Author's Response: Hi again! Though for the most part, the vampires are to be regarded as Evil Beings that show no mercy, they do have some soft spots. Because my idea for how they become vampires is through killing (whether it be accidental or not) is when the change is forced upon them if they have the gene.

It's almost like writing an entire original fiction. I'm glad you think I did good on that because that was a concern of mine. Believability is key to making a story like this work so I strive to keep that up at all times!

Haha, thank you for the compliment, I really appreciate this review!!

~VioletBlade


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Review #9, by Cassius Alcinder Prologue.

14th March 2012:
I'm here from the forums with your review!

First of all, this looks like a really unique idea, we don't really see too much of this type of story. I reall like the fact that you are portraying the vampires as sinister and plotting, you know the way vampires are supposed to be portrayed, not like twilight.

This prologue gave us just the right amount of information to explain how the world came to be the way it is, but it wasn't too much to overwhelm us or slow down the flow.

Great start so far, definetely made me want to read the next chapter.

Author's Response: Hi there! :)

I'm glad you think it's original! Even though there aren't many stories about futuristic settings or vampires on HPFF, there is a lot about that in fiction writing, so I'm trying to stay as original as possible and not skive ideas off anyone! :P

That worried me a bit at first, too. Some people thought I didn't give enough of a backstory, but I'm really only wanting to release that in small bursts so it doesn't all come out at once! But I'm glad you thought it worked!

Thanks so much for the wonderful review! :)

~VioletBlade


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Review #10, by inkbutterfly Chapter Two.

9th March 2012:
This chapter was definetly my favourite out of them, with stuff happening, and Ben! I really liked him and I think I am getting a better idea of the history behind it and how the world is.
The one thing I didnt get was when he tried to warn them and was knocked out. I must have missed something becuase I didnt understand how what he said sounded so bad?
Anyway, its really good and I am looking forward to the next chapters! You dont normally write action, do you? I think this is a great acheivement then because action and things that are sort of dark like this are hard to do.
I am also curious to find out how the vampires and werewolves actually gained control and wiped out the witches/wizards...
Really, really brilliant!

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Hi again! This review made my day since I just read it now, and my day was long so this is much appreciated!!!

I'm glad you like Ben, 'cause so do I! ;) And good, that's great, I really wanted to explain a little more about what's going on and all that!

Oh, hmm, well the reason for that is because at that point they had captured Katrina, the Royal Princess, and they mistook him for someone who was trying to rescue her, so until they could figure out what to do they threw him in the cage next to her. It'll be explained though in the next chapter, but I should probably go in and clear that up a little bit, so thanks for pointing out that that was a bit confusing ^_^

Noo, I do not, though I love it now that I've tried it! Romance is my tried and true, though the first novel I ever put up on the site (that needs serious revisions because it's not my style at all anymore!) did feature some action in it! :)

Next chapter we'll hear a bit about Polluck's history! Bah! (Though it'll obviously be biased ;))

Thanks again my dear!

~Becca


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Review #11, by inkbutterfly Chapter One.

9th March 2012:
I like all your characters and I love the whole Vampire Royalty. I love Katrina especially and I hope that she turns out to be against the vampires!
I picked up this sentence: “Well, I would hope you don’t everything people say to you to be fact,” he responded, showing his fangs slightly as a warning. And I am just not sure what it is meant to mean? You must have missed out a word or something.
Anyway, it was a brilliant chapter and I am very interested in what is happening next!

-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Hi again! Thanks for the review (again!) Heh, well I wouldn't want to reveal anything about the future of the story but I'll keep it in mind! ;) You're right, that sentence is missing the word 'believe' I think... thanks for the snag, I hate typos! :P I'll fix it ASAP!

Again, thanks for making the day of lil 'ol me! :)

~Becca


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Review #12, by inkbutterfly Prologue.

9th March 2012:
Firstly, I think that this is a really interesting idea, and original as well, which is good because clichés are beginning to annoy me. The writing was really brilliant, and there was just the perfect balance of suspense, emotion and that curiousity of the unknown. So I will definetly keep reading to find out what happens.
-Kerryn xx

Author's Response: Hi there! I'm glad to see you ventured into some of my other stories! That always brightens my day! (: I'm glad you think it's original... if not I'd have you point me in the direction of all those stories I must not have seen! :P I honestly don't see any stories not set directly in a specified era or any vampire stories for that matter!

Thank you so much for this lovely review, really made my day brighter! :)

~Becca


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Review #13, by TheHeirOfSlytherin Prologue.

19th February 2012:
Ah, vampires! As you probably figured out from my status update on the forums, I love, love, love vampires, they're my favorite... Obsession. LOL. (I said I'd review this tonight. ^.^)

Anyway... I can't truly comment on characterization, considering they're OCs and, therefore, your own, but I do like your characters so far. I can very easily imagine that being the way humans would live if vampires took over. It would be terrifying.

I didn't see any grammar issues and it's flowing nicely.

A great start. Going to chapter two.

Sam.

Author's Response: Hey there! :) They're not *quite* an obsession yet for me, but they're so intriguing and, I think, as they're losing their grip in YA lit after the 'phase' has somewhat moved on, I actually find them interesting again! :P

Yes, this is going to be an entirely OC based story, so it will be tough to make sure they're in character. I suppose what I meant by that is if my OC's are believable and consistant, if they need improvements, or if they're cliched, etc. :)

Thanks again for the review! :)

~VioletBlade


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Review #14, by the_edge_of_love Chapter One.

14th February 2012:
I loved this chapter, as well!

Here, you managed to keep the wonderful atmosphere of your Prologue without having so many descriptions, and at the same time you introduced as to the plot.

I liked all the characters here, both the Resistance Members (especially Delilah-Beau's description makes her such a lovely character, while Carmen's worries are the right kind of disturbing) and the Vampire Royalties (I'd love to see how the Katrina/Zane storyline will develop).

Katrina' storyline was a surprise (you presented everything so dark in the first chapter that I didn't expect any happy endings for humans). However, I did appreciate her second thoughts: I find them very much in character, given her past. I'd love an introduction of her mother as well. I'm curious about her story with the King.

Silver, on the other hand, is the kind of vampire I thought I'd meet in your story. I enjoyed her little argument with Katrina, but I also liked the fact that her sister admits that they could be friends- under different circumstances. I'm also intrigued by the implication you made about a power struggle in the vampire society.

The only negative thing I have to say in this chapter is that it was a bit fragmentary. I'd like to see more about the resistance- perhaps in a different chapter than this one so it wouldn't be tiring.

In anyway, I really liked this- and I'd love to read more, whenever you update:D

~ Angie

Author's Response: Hello again! :)

I've come to realize that in all actuality, my backgrounds for most of the characters are... lacking to say the least. I hadn't noticed it before, but it's something a lot of the reviews I've requested from various people have picked up on, for which I'm extremely grateful. I'll have to get to word on carving a specific backstory for each of them and figure out the best place to put it!

The only reason Katrina was saved was because of her mother, which her and Pollock's story is interesting enough I've thought about making it into a separate novel in and of itself once this one is completed. I am however, thinking of having Katrina relate the story her father always told about the vampires at bedtime (though obviously completely biased as he doesn't want her to realize how murderous he actually is!) to explain some of this! It's a lot of background, and a lot of new stuff which is always hard to write properly!

Yes, Silver is the kind of vampire who, like Pollock and most of the other vampires in this story, are what you'll likely see more. Katrina's a bit of an exception, and there's a reason for that, too! She doesn't let one way of thinking cloud her mind to the other possibilities, and she's possibly the only vampire with a soft spot for the humans, though you don't see it in this chapter. She's loyal to her family though, mostly her mother, which will impact her role in this story!

I'd love to update very soon, but I honestly don't know when it will happen :/ I'm taking the weekend off work though to recover from wisdom teeth removal, so maybe I'll have some added time in there ;)

Thanks again for the lovely review!

~VioletBlade


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Review #15, by the_edge_of_love Prologue.

12th February 2012:
This is perfect. I loved it!

I know you requested for me to review the second chapter, but I had to read this one first and I couldn't help but fall in love with it. It's amazing! So well-written and meaningful and... morose. But in a good way, if you know what I mean.

To be honest, I never really cared about vampire stories- I've only watched a couple of films, and I don't know much about them, so I don't know how helpful I'd be able to be. What I do know, however, is that this is a story with a great atmosphere. It creates the right mood... It's quite an achievement, you must know:D

I really like where this seems to be going. Sorry for taking so long to review- I'll check the second chapter asap;)

~ Angie

Author's Response: Hi! :) Thanks for the review, it means a lot to me! I'm really glad you liked this chapter enough to review it in addition to the other one I asked for! :)

And it's okay about the not knowing much about vampires... to be honest, I don't either. I know the Twilight vamps and I know some of the other portrayals of them, but I don't go out of my way to watch/read them (except in HPFF fanfiction since it's so rare!) but now, I'm actually doing my research! :P My goal is to make them actually fearsome, and not in the cliched ways either, but we'll see how well that works out!

Thanks again so much for the lovely review! :)

~VioletBlade


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Review #16, by CloakAuror9 Chapter One.

5th February 2012:
Hello!

I'm very impressed by the story. I think it is a really hard task to start a new world of your own from scratch. And for you to be able do to that very well is just exceptional.

The emotions and moods in the story are always present and you write them very well. At the start I can just feel how grim and scary the moods are, it actually made me shiver.

Your characterisations are awesome, I think, for me, Pollock is the best thus far. He's merciless and ruthless but he has a soft spot for his daughter and I love that. I think even though he is kind of nasty, he's still nice, a very protective and caring father.

Although, I as thoroughly interested in the story, I couldn't help but wonder where's the girl in the previous chapter? I know she'll be making an appearance but I was really hoping to see her right now. But oh well, I'm only a reader, you have full control. The best thing to do is wait (:

I think the only thing you could improve on is more background detail. For example, Beau, Delilah, and Carmen why were they hiding? I would like to know a bit more background history on how the Wizards got 'extinct' and how the Vampires got where they are right now. I know it's a lot to ask but you can take it as a suggestion and feel free to just ignore it.

Overall, I think this story needs more love from the readers since this is such a well-written story and it is very unique. It can basically stand-alone without Harry Potter. But I'd like to really see how everything turns out! Ha, such a good story.

Hakuna Matata! (I just felt like it xD)
CloakAuror9 xx

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for getting to this so quickly! (I'm so impressed!)

I know, I actually probably would have been smarter to have planned out this world a bit better, and somehow incorporate more facts that pertain to the story, but I sort of just wrote the prologue quickly and wanted to see if it was worth continuing or not before I put in a ton of thought and time into it, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Good! That's what I was really trying to get at. I think there will be happy times in the book, but at least until the end, most of it will be scary/sad. I'm pretty sure I already have the ending thought out, and I'm pretty excited about it! (But not trying to get ahead of myself or anything)

It's interesting that you say that! I'm glad he's not just your sterotypical bad-guy vampire that you see all the time with no feelings, but another reviewer also told me she thought Pollock's characterization was the best, as well :)

Rosetta may be in the third chapter based on popular demand! I wasn't planning on including her until later, but I'm thinking I may just to satisfy some readers! I had no idea that bringing her into the prologue would attach so many readers to her :P

The rebellion fighters are sort of licking their wounds from the last battle where they lost so many people and barely escaped from. They're in hiding while they try and build a bigger army, but then they're spurred into action by the Rosetta thing. And I was actually thinking about putting a companion one-shot up from Pollock's POV that described his discoveries and basically how he took over, but after more thought I was actually thinking about making it into a stand-alone novel prequel to this novel after I'm finished. Still, I plan on doing a precursory look into how my vamps were created and how they ended up taking over, but it'll only really be a glossed over version, you know?

Thanks so much, that is such a compliment! And that's what I'm trying to go for. My previous beta, when she looked at the prologue chapter, said she thought it would be better as an OF than a FF that completely depended on the HP universe to support it. So, I'm writing it as an FF but with very little mention of the HP world so that if I were ever to turn into an OF it wouldn't be a painful process.

Thanks again for the wonderful review, and Hakuna Matata back to you :)

-VioletBlade


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Review #17, by apocalypse Chapter One.

4th February 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!

Firstly, I'm sorry I wasn't able to review the previous chapter separately, I've already delayed your story too much so I though I'd just review both the chapters together =) Hope that's okay.

I think you had a great start! I really liked the way you started with such a serious and grim mood, the atmosphere was thick from the start and there was an apparent feeling of dread in your words. I think that that was a plus point for you seeing as how this is story about the vampires' tyrannical rule.

I think that they way you explained the whole situation was very good; it answered many of the questions about the whole situation. Though I still think that you could've easily added a few more details to let us know about the war in detail and how such a major thing happened that all the wizards literally vanished. I think there needs to be a more detailed justification as to how and why magic died all of a sudden.

Moving on, I think that you did a good job with describing the girl in the previous chapter. Even though she wasn't really special, you description gave her an exquisite aura and a marvelous image that I got curious to know who she was. Her presence and her description was pretty strong, it caused my interest to increase and I couldn't wait to read ahead. Plus, the way you explained how people like her were shunned was brilliant; it made her situation all the more pitiful.

I think that humans lining up to allow the vampires to feed is quite a good way to show the power of the vampires. It gives a new perspective on the vampires and allows us to form a new image of the vampires in your story. They're far more original than we usually know them as; the idea of vampires is as scary here as it should be. =)

Moving on to chapter two, I think that you started off really well, but as there was little detail on the characters apart from the fact that they were humans and were in hiding, I couldn't really follow the first scene properly. The characters you introduced in that scene: Beau, Delilah and Carmen, are very interesting. You did describe them and they're thoughts pretty well but I felt that the overall description of the surroundings was a bit lacking. You could've given a bit more background detail to them so as to allow that scene to seem whole and complete. Without the tiny details and more information on the characters, it almost an unrefined look and read like it needed to be polished.. I hope you know what I mean =)

Katrina seems like a pretty interesting character. She's a headstrong girl, who's not really afraid of anything and would get what she wants whatever the cost. That much was apparent from her thoughts. She's the royal who doesn't really care about royalty that much and wouldn't care if she could discover another world too. I think that you've characterised her pretty well =) Though I didn't really understand what kind of a person Silver was. She was rude and straightforward to her sister but I did not understand the reason behind that. I think her character could be more detailed if she's coming up ahead.

Pollock is the best of the lot so far. I love how he's so ruthless and merciless but still cares a lot for his daughter and wife. That's an interesting weakness you added to his character. It balances out with his strong character very well. I like how he makes quick decisions and isn't afraid to take harsh decisions. Zane sounds like a prince! He's pretty well-written and I think that you've created him perfectly! I'm so glad that he's not the perfect prince though, the pride in his eyes and his demeanor was the best part you added about him. I think that that pride compliments his character and would be a strong point for him ahead =D

Your grammar is completely. I can't see why you were about it at all. I also tend to overuse the comma but here I did not feel anything of that sort. I really like your word choice and think that your writing style is quite unique. Also, the flow of your story is going pretty well. Though, it gets disrupted here and there because of the sudden lack of description but I know that that can be easily fixed =)

One thing that I think you should mention in your story is the history of the vampires. I know it's not really necessary, but still I think that you should create your own background story for them, giving them a reason for existence, a story as to how they came into being and perhaps a bit more detail about what they think about their time in the Lost Years and their current rule. This is just a random piece of advice, feel free to ignore it if you don't like it =)

You have a really good story here and quite an interesting idea. It's executed very well! Feel free to re-request and PM me with any queries you might have. Good luck and Happy Writing! =D

Author's Response: Hey, I'm going to PM you my response as it was too long to fit here ;)

~VioletBlade


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Review #18, by CloakAuror9 Prologue.

4th February 2012:
Hello! I'm super-deuper sorry for the late review! School is the main reason behind all this.

Any who, no I didn't get uniterested when you told me the story involves vampires. I think I was more of a happy person! I mean if you wrote about it you wren't going to make them sparkly and vampire vegetarian were you?

I think that you wrote the story very well and if it makes you feel any better, it is miles and miles away from Twilight. I think I like this is much better than any other vampire story because it has way more depth than the rest and you kind of give us a sort of edge as to what's happening.

I like the way you opened the story with such a grim feeling. I don't know why but I never got confused while I was reading the story. I saw some of the reviews and some of them said that there wasn't much clarity between things but I beg to differ. I mostly liked the story because of the clarity. You're one of those authors who makes things complicated but it shows out as easy as pie to read. Mhm. Yay for clarity!

Overall, I'd love to see chapter two (if you want me to) since I am interested on who this girl is. Also if I'm correct...this happened 200 years after the second wizarding war right?

Ta-ta for now,
CloakAuror9 xx

Author's Response: Not to worry! I am the queen of late reviewing. (I left my thread for almost a year, and I had reviews from April of 2011 I hadn't gotten to until this last week!)

I'm glad to hear that the vampires bit didn't turn you off of the story! I'm not really sure where people fall into the catagory of vampires. Some like them still, some find them tainted and overdone, even though on HPFF there aren't many stories with them in it! And yes, I was trying to stay far, far away from the Twilight vampires, to be sure.

That definitely is what I was going for! It was supposed to show that this time period is eerie and definitely not happy. Also, I'm glad everything was clear to you! It's hard to find the balance between things being *too* murky and mysterious enough to keep people intrigued. :)

Yes, I will definitely re-request! Though there's not much mention of the girl you were introduced to in the prologue, I do introduce several main characters in the next chapter, and then we start getting into the action a bit more :)

Thanks for the very lovely review!

-VioletBlade


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Review #19, by IwRiTe4mE Prologue.

29th December 2011:
Well I know this review took me awhile, but I sure am glad that I remembered where the link was!! This was a very good, but chilling beginning. I really hope that you continue the story because I love your idea and concept for it. Keep up the excellent work. ;)
~Kat

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I have been a bit behind on fan fiction, or any writing at all actually. School and work and plain just not feeling like writing have been my downfall. I haven't even been on this site in forever it feels like. But thanks so much for the lovely review... now all I need is someone to kick my butt into writing again :)

~VioletBlade


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Review #20, by electricfeel Prologue.

5th September 2011:
Hi, electricfeel from the forums here with your rather late review.

I absolutely adored this. I loved the way you managed to convey the bleakness of it all in your writing. It's really dark and I especially love how the vampires haven't been romanticised at all! Vampires are supposed to be dark, they feed on us humans. They don't sparkle and watch us sleep at night!

The plot itself is really unique. The whole idea of having your number called out is incredibly eerie. I also liked how you went into details about the way humans were basically a commodity, I found that really interesting to read actually. It completely captured my attention.

I feel like, although this is only the first chapter, you've really went into a lot of detail. Discussing the changes in weather, for example. I also loved the part about the "crazies" that was a really fantastic touch too. All these little descriptions here and there completely add to setting the whole tone of your story, if that makes sense? It really helps to solidify the darkness of it all.

As for believability - well in the world of Harry Potter, anything is possible really! But, with the snippets of information you've given the reader in this chapter, you've made the idea of vampires taking over very plausible. You've given us a little background information that you as a writer can build upon. But, I think that even if you don't, it would still read as being believable.

I really can't wait to read more of this, so please, feel free to request again!

Author's Response: Hi there! No worries about the late review... I completely understand how that goes. ^_^

I'm really thrilled you liked it. It's supposed to be really dark, or at least this prologue is because the reality of their world is that it's dark, and bleak and there doesn't seem to be any hope. I hope to always keep that dark edge, at least until the story has progressed more!

Thank you! (: I'm glad you thought the plot was unique... I haven't seen hardly any vampire stories that weren't crossovers on the site, and even in actual published material there are hardly that focus on the vampire world having taken over the human world. They're always in hiding, if you know what I mean! So that was always an interesting angle to me!

And I agree. I feel as if there would be nothing more degrading than not even being known by a name anymore-- you are simply a number. And that's it. But for vampires it seems as if that's how they would treat humans and the wizards who ignored their existence for so long.

That's another thing I'm working on. I really set my goal to include a lot of description. I feel like it can honestly make or break a story, and for me, it's tough sometimes to find the right balance, but I'm glad you felt like I did. Maybe sometime, I'll dedicate a chapter just to you in the POV of one of the crazies ;) But thank you!

And this is true. I just can't stand stories that sound SO interesting and then you click on them and they're either not written well enough to be believable or they're just... I don't know, haha. I'm actually in the works of after is completed, creating a sort of prequel for this story that's set 200 years in the past of this story and will be in the point of view of the lead vampire, but then again, that's me! Always planning another story before I even have all of this one thought out! :P

I will definitely let you know when I've posted the first real chapter, hopefully it doesn't disappoint! :)

-VioletBlade


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Review #21, by Phoenix_Flames Prologue.

19th August 2011:
Hi there! I'm here with your review as requested! :) First off, I want to apologize for the extremely long wait. I've been really busy the past two weeks in the process of packing up my things and moving states. But I finally had time to read!

And wow! What an interesting piece this is. I was intrigued from the very beginning, and you had me absolutely captivated. This is such an interesting set up and such a creative plot! I would like to see where this goes.

And you wrote it wonderfully too. There was a great balance of everything. Not at one moment did you overwhelm us with introductions or descriptions of the world around them. It was subtle and just right, mixed with the events of the story and everything else.

Really well done! Thank you for requesting. Feel free to stop by again when the next chapter is up! :)

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks so much to getting to this-- and no worries about the wait. I am queen of RL swamping me! That's the reason this hasn't been updated yet! D: I keep wanting to write but work usually sucks my muse right outta me!

I'm glad you liked it! It's definitely a new genre for me to write so I'm glad you felt as if it was done well and nothing was overboard!

Thanks again for the great review... it really made my day!! :)

~VioletBlade


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Review #22, by EnigmaticEyes16 Prologue.

11th August 2011:
This is a cool story idea, vampires killing off all the witches and wizards and taking over the world. It also reminds me a lot of The Lottery, if you've ever read that or seen the movie, except that the chosen person doesn't die in this story, usually. Can't wait to see what happens next!

Author's Response: Hi there and thanks so much for the wonderful review! Yeah, actually this little plunny came to me while I was watching some tv show, I can't remember the exact one now but I was so excited about the idea I immediately had to write a little something on it! :) I've never seen it but I'll be sure to check it out as it sounds interesting! I hope to have something up by next week so check back ;)

~VioletBlade


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Review #23, by ImagineHarmony Prologue.

10th August 2011:
Ooh! Wonderfully written :) Grasped my attention! Congratulate yourself! Anyways, eager as hell, I hope to read more of this amazing piece :)

IH Tawi
PS. I'm TheVividImagination from the forums.

Author's Response: Hi there and thanks for the wonderful review! (: Hopefully I'll have more up soon :)

~VioletBlade


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Review #24, by academica Prologue.

10th August 2011:
Hey there! academica here with your review :) And thank you so much for following my rules! I really appreciate it!!

I'm sort of a grammar nazi too, so you came to the right place. The only thing I noticed comes from the Nimbimagus paragraph; I personally would have used "shone" over "shined", but that may just be a matter of opinion rather than grammatical law. You may want to double check before changing it. It just sounds more fitting to my ears. I didn't notice any spelling or punctuation errors, however.

Now, you've got a really sinister opener here to what is sure to be an interesting story. The description was great, assuming that I am correct in supposing that things aren't intended to be totally clear (i.e. a little confusing) right now as far as what exactly happened, how it happened, etc. The idea is definitely believable, though, and I like how you've decided to work with vampires because they aren't explored in canon as well as, say, werewolves or mermaids. Vampires are pretty trendy right now, and I imagine you'll get a bunch of reads if you advertise this, especially with how smooth the flow of your writing is. I'm already intrigued to find out who this girl is and to hear more about her story, even with only one chapter to go on. I really love the sense of desperation you crafted here, what with the discussion of the masochistic 'crazies' and the other potential victims not wanting to touch the injured girl. As I said, it gives the story a really dark feel.

This was really a great little read. Thanks so much for requesting a review, and I hope my feedback is helpful to you. Please do feel free to re-request later if you like :)

academica (Slytherin)

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for getting to it so quickly! :)

Well, that's great! That's what I like to hear, and I'll definitely take a second look to see if I agree with that or not. But I'm glad the rest of it looked good and there was nothing glaringly obviously wrong with any of my sentences! :)

It definitely is supposed to have a sort of dark, twisted feel to it, and there was supposed to be mystery to it. Hopefully more of what actually happened will be in the first chapter, where I'll introduce my favorite band of heroes ;)

I'm really glad you think it's believable. To me, that's one of the most important things as an author. And yeah, I've actually only really read two other fics on the site about vampires, one that mentioned them a little bit only, and one kind of built on it, but they weren't updated for awhile which was sad! The only other ones I see on the site are the Twilight crossovers which... aren't really my cup of tea (:

Yeah, Rosetta is going to be one of my favorite characters-- I can feel it already! :)

I'm pleased you like that, I figure there had to be a sense of why nobody would comfort her as she had to go up, if you know what I mean?

Thanks again for the review, it gave me a lot of good critique which is what I was looking for! I'll definitely re-request when the next chapter is up (:

~VioletBlade


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Review #25, by LilyFire Prologue.

10th August 2011:
It's very attention grabbing. The drawing almost reminds me of the lottery story we had to read in school, about town that had people draw stones, and the results are just as bad. But this is great. You had me sucked into the story from the first paragraph. I had to know what happened next. And now I'm excited for the next chapter.

~LilyFire (Hufflepuff)

Author's Response: Hey Lily darlin'! Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) I'm really glad the story intrigued you, as that was my intent ;) But even more so, I'm glad you were really truly into the story, because that makes me happy! I'm currently trying to write, but RL has been so so busy, and with no relief in the near future D: But I'll try to get another chapter up soon (ish)!

~VioletBlade


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