Reading Reviews for Lullaby
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by adahpfan Lullaby

11th August 2011:
Hi, it's Buckbeak4Life from the forums, here with your requested review, I'm so sorry it's taken so long, I've been abroard ^.^

Characterization: For such a short story you managed to get quite a lot in, by the end I started to feel real empathy for all your characters... I can't really fault you, and I think that the 2nd POV really helped with the chatacterization as it makes people feel in the characters shoes so they can picture them better.

Grammar: I found one or two mistakes, but nothing major... In the beginning, when Dean's running through St Mungo's you spelt "last", "Iast", but it's nothing more serious than little things like that :D

Flow: very good. I really like the 2nd person, and I think that you really managed to make it work and flow beautifully. I can't fault you on this...

Plot: like in characterization, for such a short story, it was very well done, because of all the speech fitted in, we got a good grasp of what had happened. :)

In general: short, but really well written. I really enjoyed reading it :)

9/10
adahpfan

Author's Response: Thankyou so much for reviewing this for me! Sorry it took me so long to reply, RL issues :(

Im really happy that you managed to feel empthay in such a short pice, I have thought about making it longer to bring out more emotion and more of dean's character :)

Aw man! I will definatley go back an edit that :P Thank you for pointing it out :D

Thank you so much for your wonderfully lovely review, and I will edit the typo, and will eventually make it longer :)

Rahc xx


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Review #2, by lemonpeeps Lullaby

7th August 2011:
Hey there it's lemonpeeps, sorry I didn't get around to reading/reviewing your fic until now. (I'm on a very extended vacation :P )

Very interesting and sad fic you have here. The writing style is unique but at times I couldn't really follow what was going on. I figured it all out in the end though. Even still, you might want to add a couple transition paragraphs from the beginning segment to the middle segment, I found that's where I was the most lost. I think this could be an exelent writing piece but it seems a bit holy, try making Dean come to life some more and maybe develop his relationship with his wife a tad. But other than that, it was fresh and hardly cliche so props to you. I'm very gald you didn't use the song in a lovey dovey way!!

Happy Writing!!
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: Don't worry about it at all! I hope you had a nice holiday :D

Yeah I didn't really want to go with happy, because love isn't always happy :( This was my first shot at writing in second person so it does probably need a bit of work, especially on dean background so I will get round to editing at some point aha :)

Thank you so much for the review! :D I really do take your comments on board!

R xx


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Review #3, by xtinjsc Lullaby

6th August 2011:
This offered a cool twist to second person point of view in my opinion. You told the readers not only what they should do and feel, but also what also they should remember, which was rather interesting for me. And I adore reading about minor characters, so I was glad that it was Dean. Curious choice for a career, btw. I found it slightly amusing that he had to take care of an annulment case for some reason. :P

Losing a loved one is painful. There's really no other way we can deal with it except live with the pain. The emotions here were very raw and I thought they were very realistic and believable as well. I am not immune to losing someone, so I understand what Dean had gone through to some extent. It's normal to feel guilt, to bargain and wish we could've done something better, to regret our actions and words in the past... it's not helpful, but it's part of grieving. And I really liked how you've captured that here.

I think you've also incorporated the lyrics really well into the storyline, btw. There were lots of really beautiful lines here that struck me and that part when Dean whispered to his wife that he loved her was just... gahh, heartbreaking. Good job!

xtinjsc (Hufflepuff)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! That's such a compliment! *blushes*. I have always wanted to write Dean. I pretty much write next gen as you can almost do what you want with characters so to write someone who is already there was fun :D (In a way)

I lost my sister and so fed through a lot of the emotion from the weight of her loos into the character of dean. It was almost quite theraputic in a way, to write me feelings down. I really wanted Dean to be someone who people who have lost a loved one can relate to, and for those who have to get some idea of the raw emotion behind such a devestating event.

Thank you so much for the amazing review! Really has made my day before I trundle off to 6 depressing hours at work :( :P

R xx


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Review #4, by gryffindorgirl0519 Lullaby

27th July 2011:
It was so sad!! But Great! Great job!

Author's Response: It was :( I was sad when I wrote it :'( Thank you so much for the review though :)!!
Starkidlovexx


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Review #5, by academica Lullaby

25th July 2011:
Hey there! This is academica with your review :)

I've never written a second-person piece before either, but I have read a couple, and a lot of them unfortunately fall into the trap of being too 'pushy' and directive in their action. You know, 'you walked to the lake, you put down your picnic basket, you took a bite of the apple', etc. But this one was very flowy and led me along with it, and so I think you did an excellent job with the POV.

I thought the emotion in this piece was really piercing. I lost my father last Christmas, and I couldn't help but return to those memories while reading this from Dean's perspective. I can totally relate to the feeling of being overwhemed, of wanting to escape back to the hustle and bustle of daily life, and I imagine that anyone reading this who has lost someone close to them would feel that as well. This line in particular really stuck out to me: 'because you don't notice time when you take it for granted but, when it is thrust upon you all you want is for is to pass quickly'. That was just so beautiful and heart-wrenching. I also really liked the end, where he 'set her free' from watching him suffer. That was very touching.

Dean is somewhat of an pliable character, not having been developed fully by Rowling, and I think you did a great job of filling him out. His feelings were totally believable.

Great piece, thanks for letting me review! I hope I'm helpful :) Oh, and good luck with the challenge!

academica

Author's Response: Hey!

Thankyou for reviewing so quickly!! :D

Im so relieved that you think I did a good job with second person, I really wanted to push myself out there and do something different so hopefully this has payed off! :)

I'm also so happy with the emotion in the peice which is something I find very hard to write (meaning I have joined a few challenges to improve this.) I lost my sister eight years ago when I was quite young so I didn't really understand the full emotion of the event at the time so this peice helped me actually get to grips with emotion and in a way developed me as a person.

Phew! I want to go back and add maybe a touch more detail about his life maybe, I'm not decided as of yet :)

Thank you so much for reviewing it is really helpful to know when your writing works and when it doesn't :) I'll definatley be requesting more from you in the future!! And thank you for the luck, even if I don't do well it has been an awesome writing challenge for my own improvement :D

Starkidlovexx


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Review #6, by BrightStar Lullaby

19th July 2011:
Hi Rach!

You really made the song your own here, which made it work so well for you! This is written brilliantly, I'm really envious because I can't manage the second person narrative (I think thats what its called - the you thing.)

Really description driven, which is lovely, I felt I was right there with Dean, waiting for time to pass. So sad, especially with what you said about the ambition and long hours, etc, the annulment.

Very poignant, well done! I would have liked to see more context - is this the Dean Thomas we read about, who went on during the war? Does this affect the story at all, the ambition? However, what was most important here was the loss, and iife after loss, which you obviously delt with admirably.

As you know I loved Beautiful, but its amazing to see how much your writing has evolved since then (though I know they are very different fics). Please keep writing!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really wanted to do something different - this was originally an OF I wrote for fun and decided it fitted in really well with the song so adapted it :)

Thank you! I do need to work on my description so it's awesome to know it's working and improving! :D

I thought that, about context - I'll probably go back and add more in just for you :) I'm really glad you think I dealt with loss admirably as I didn't want to seem insensitive.

Wahoo! I have such a huge smile on my face! :D

Off to r&r HSIN in a second :D
Thanks B!
Starkidlovexx


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