Hi!

Well this is an interesting opening chapter. I really like the premiss of this story and your writting style is totally fitting with it. You main character is very interesting. Luna and Krum getting together? Having a kid?? I like it! It's original and daring!

The problem is, no matter how original your story is, it's really hard to read it at the moment. You definitly need to do something about the format. The obvious would be to space out the paragraphs so it doesn't feel like everythink is crammed into the same sentence (it is not, it's simply how it feels when we look at the page).

The other problem is the typos. I think you wanted to send this first chapter in too fast and forgot to double check. That kind of takes the reader's attention away from your great story because we need to stop all the time to make sure what you mean. I usually like, in my reviews, to give a couple examples of the things I noticed, so that it is up to the writter to decide wether or not you ant to correct your story. Here are my pointers:

"privelegded"; you added an extra 'd'

"...to Hogworts"; I think you know where the typo is in this word!!

"...and han again unpopular. So this s it..."; see, two sentences one after the other and each one has a typo in it...

If you cannot see the errors yourself (it happens, believe me!!) or don't really want to do it yourself, you could always ask for a beta reader. I think this story would beneficiate from it a lot. Like I said earlier, great premiss, interesting character and good writting style. Now you simply need to correct the most glarring errors in order to improve this story and gather a lot more followers!

Good work none the less. I hope this has not discouraged you in anyway; it's really not what I want, I simply wish to help you improve the best I can!

Akussa (Gryffindor)

Author's Response: Well First off- Thanks for the review. Well its not exactly what I like to hear... It needed to be said and you are right. I have too many errors. I'm not using a browser or word document that corrects my errors or shows me they are wrong, and even though i take my time and double check, I still am really bad at catching mistakes because i'm too absorbed in my own story. I will be asking for a beta... Eventually. To be perfectly honest, I'm waitinbg untill i get to at least 5 chapters because than i know i'm sticking with it. Than i'll go back and have the chapters reviewed, I just don't want to waste anybody's time or resources on a story that might not go very far. Thank you again, your review was helpful and encouraging even if my inner author doesn't want to hear the critisism, i know it will only better the story.
Dracolovergirl5000 (Slytherin)
Ps I'm really really bad at spelling and Grammar, So I probably mispelled like every other word in this reply...

 Report Review