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5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by maskedmuggle I need new friends

29th June 2012:
Hey!
This was great! I really like the plot - the summary really appeals and it's a very creatively storyline! Your OC, Scarlett is quite unique, ambitious and slightly self-absorbed (in a good way where I really get a strong sense of her character and personality). The way you wrote this really made her real and made the plot seem very plausible.

It'll be interesting to see where you take this - it's a story with potential :) Nicely written!

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Review #2, by LittleWelshGirl99 I need new friends

2nd February 2012:
Hi there!

This is a fantastic start. You've tackled the scary next-gen and humour very well! xD

I cans ee a really good plot coming out, and interesting, likeable characters. I can see that Scarlett will definitely be an interesting person, but her character is kind of caked a bit with the humour... I'd perhaps tone it down a bit to have a depthier character. For instance; 'Well, I still amÖdonít think that because all of this happened Iím not going to get into the position with my charm and wit and obvious beauty.'

This sentence shows us that she is quite arrogant, but it's stated so bluntly we think it's a joke...

Other than this I think you did a great hob with the humour! I was laughing a lot.

One thing I noticed was that at the beginning, you cram a lot of information about Scarlett into very few sentences; almost like a list. There's a technique I heard of called to show and not tell, which basically means is there any other way you could have gradually shown readers these characteristics, instead of telling them straight away?
Just some food for thought.

But I really enjoyed this, and can't wait to read more in the future! I think this story will go a long way.

Ok, at the end of a humungous review, I will leave!

LWG :)

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the lovely review.
I mean this is so no a display of the magnificence of my writing skill (heh...magnificent, not so much) so I'm not particularly bothered about the few criticisms :P

As for the Show not tell, I would normally totally agree with you - but I don't joke that is how she talks in my head and I figured I would start off the story how I meant to go on. That was sort of a a very veiled tactic to show you exactly what she is like. Though I can see how you figured otherwise - I probably would too. Basically, what Scarlett thinks of herself is really the opposite of what she is, if that makes any sense. So there is the depth to her character and it's just veiled in her arrogant opinion of herself. You've got to remember reading this as she is the narrator it's going to be how she see's the world rather then how it is. I believe it's called an Unreliable narrator or something similar.
(so you can't tell you're talking to an english lit student...)

I think that actually answers both criticisms, so yeah. It's like disguised depth, is how I want to write it. So the fact you don't realise this please me really...means my technique works :P

Glad you enjoyed it :)
Hannah


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Review #3, by justonemorefic I need new friends

22nd January 2012:
Hee, Scarlett seems absolutely mad. She's kind of like that babbling friend who's oblivious to everything else around her in her quest for glory - or I suppose, the Minister for Magic. A little overambitious, eh? All the way down to the color of her feather boas.

Ohh, Tilly's the best. I adore her - cute and bubbly and attaches feathers from boas to her arms, how can I not? Snerk snerk, I love how unabashedly mean you make Scarlett. Definitely flaws in abundance there. Sure Scarlett, Tilly's the crazy one. It's quite clear that though Scarlett's plans are ridiculous, you're playing off of that :D

Oh, poor Tilly has to sleep on the floor!

Quite the interesting start! ^__^

Author's Response: Hey!

Oh I just love Scarlett so much, she's so hell bent on power and, like you said, completely oblivious to everything else. The whole unabashedly mean part jsut makes this about ten times more fun to write. She's wonderfully over-ambitious and I love that about her too.

Tilly is just this bouncing, bubbly, sparkly ball of cuteness and again I love her for it. but of course Scarlett would think she was crazy, pfft, constantly cheerful all the time, what is that? :P

Thanks for the review! Your thoughts on the characters amused me greatly and I know poor Tilly, bless her :')

Thank you!
Hannah x


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Review #4, by AnnaKay I need new friends

29th September 2011:
What a different character. I think that Scar is hilarious, and I think that you did really well with your humor. Their relationship seems to be very different, but they got along great.

She is a witchy person, but I think you write her just right to make it seem very funny! I love this chapter, and it's one of my favorites!

I wonder how this is going to keep going. I would love to see more of how the two girls interact and how she is going to climb up the ladders.

Author's Response: Ahhh, thank you ^_^ I mean my WIPs have sort of died lately because my writing inspiration has sort of died. Buttt, I love Scarlett, she is such a fun character to write and this story has a very light feel to it. But yeah, I hope it will carry on to be humorous. :D
Hannah x


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Review #5, by orderofthephoenix I need new friends

8th August 2011:
Since you already know what I think of this chapter, my review probably won't be very long. I'm glad that you're writing a next-gen WIP and I hope you'll write it so it's distinguishable from other Albus/OC stories.

I have mixed feelings about the opening paragraph. I don't much like how you started with "My name is Scarlett McKellan.", but I like the determination and stubbornness in Scarlett's voice.

Throughout the chapter, I learnt quite a lot about both Scarlett and Tilly but it was mainly because you told it in the story. To get to that next level as a writer, try to show the reader some of your character's qualities in their actions or the way they speak, not just say it. I hope I explained that well enough, but you can always ask me to clarify it a bit more. :)

There were a few spelling mistakes and typos which I'm sure you'll correct soon; I just felt I had to point it out :P

Let me know when the next chapter is up. :)

-Sophia
orderofthephoenix (Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: Thank you :)

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