Hey, it's SamMalfoy93 with the review you requested a long time ago.
Wow. I'm hooked already. I'm already looking forward to reading the chapters posted and more to come, but I had to say that before continuing. :D
I love Remus' character. It's how I imagine him. The full moon effects him, but he's not gone through a war yet. It's how he would be before that, I imagine.
I was a little confused at first; it went straight from Lily to Remus, so it seemed like you went from third to first. I understood after re-reading. :)
Thank you for sending this my way.
Sam.Author's Response: Wow, thank you!
I'm very pleased to hear that you like Remus so far. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story and Remus!
Thank you for the lovely review :) Report Review
Yay for the Marauders in the goblet! Hmm, now that you've built up Remus' entry I'm guessing he'll be the Hogwarts champion...but you have to write and post the next chapter for me to be sure of that guess!
I'm really liking Alice and her complexity, very caring but also not willing to take crap from anyone, rather like Neville by the end of the series, excellent job!
Wow at Lupin getting so mad at Sirius! The way you described their relationship made it make sense though, so no worries! I really really like this story, you'd better keep writing it!
megan2u (Ravenclaw)Author's Response: I can tell you, Remus will be the Hogwarts champion. Whether or not he'll win, I'm not even sure of that yet ;)
Gotta love Alice! I adore writing her so much.
I'm glad you found their fight believable. I'm working on revealing more about the inner relationships of the Marauders of this story, you'll see some more in the next chapter hopefully :)
And the next chapter should be done in a few days, hopefully sooner, so there will be more. Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Hmm, Lupin is quite the rebel. Not the good boy of the group like JKR always portrayed him. I kind of like it, haven't read anything like this before!
Now I really want to know the history between Dorcas and Remus, sounds cute. He was practically drooling over her in the hall...
Sirius seems to be shaping up a bit, I like the inquisitiveness and quietness you've given him. It suits him, he does seem a bit girl-obsessed, but most boys his age usually are, so I forgive you for that slight stereotype.
I really wish you would continue writing this story, I would definitely read it!
megan2u (Ravenclaw)Author's Response: Rebel? Fantastic! I can completely see him as being the good boy of the group, but Lupin has more issues than any of them (besides, possibly, Sirius) and so I don't think that he would be so one-dimensional. I'll admit, I'm having a lot of fun writing him so far :)
I think you'll find later that Sirius isn't the only one girl obsessed in the story ;)
Thank you so much! Report Review
Love the idea behind this story, and you've set it up quite nicely to keep me guessing as to who the champions will be and what tasks they'll have to perform! Goblet of Fire was one of my favourite books for those very reasons! As always your writing is excellent with very few issues.
Two items to note: the beginning of the story seemed to be in 3rd person and then switched quickly to 1st person once Lupin came into the story. I'm not sure how you could fix this, as Lupin wasn't there in the beginning, but I thought I'd point it out as something to work on.
Another nitpicky thing is having Frank and Alice in the same year as James and Lily, a bit of a pet peeve of mine, being a canon-stictler and knowing they were both successful Aurors before Neville was born, a feat unachievable in the short time-frame between them graduating with Lily and James and having a son at the end of July, 1980. That's just my personal opinion though.
As for character development, I really like the way you've set up James, Lily, Alice, and Remus, and they appear very close to canon, so excellent job! I'll comment on the other characters in the next chapter, as they don't appear very much as of yet.
Can't wait to read the rest!
megan2u (Ravenclaw)Author's Response: Ahh, thank you so much!
Yes, I realized that about Frank and Alice, and am planning on changing the characters when I get the chance. I have loved writing Alice through this so far, so hopefully I'll be struck with inspiration to write her some other time.
Thank you! Report Review
I really like this fic. Update soon!Author's Response: Thank you so much! Working on the next update right now :) Report Review
It's still good and I'm still enjoying it!Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Hmmm... I'm interested in where this is going...
7/10Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Ah this story seems so real because of the excellent characterization! The fight between Sirius and Remus seems very realistic and well done :) And the calling Remus a coward deviates from the normal hero-worship girls have of the Marauders. I love how you made Lily so great also -- great job!! Love your characterization. Please let me know when the next chapter is up on the forums (on my review thread!)
- EstrellaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! You have no clue how much this means to me :D My biggest worry with this story is the characterization.
I'll be sure to let you know when the next chapter is up :) Report Review
I like how you introduced all the Marauder-era characters, including the pre-Death Eaters! It's very well done -- and I love how you made Lupin not even consider his ability to be chosen in the Goblet of Fire. I'd like to see some people from the other schools involved in the story :) And the romance between Remus and Dorcas is cute:)Author's Response: Thank you so much! You'll be seeing some students from the other schools soon ;)
I'm glad you think they're cute :) I can tell you, their going to go through so much, and you'll probably hate them both at some point. Report Review
The beginning of this threw me off a bit, because I think you switched from 3rd person to 1st person Remus suddenly (I'd have liked it if you started from Remus and revealed more about him in the beginning). But I can tell this story is going to be interesting with a great plot :)
- EstrellaAuthor's Response: It is a bit awkward, isn't it? I'm going to revise eventually, and will see what I can do about that.
Thank you so much! Report Review
Hi there, here with your requested review!
I think you have a good opening chapter here. I like how you have your characters written and I enjoy Remus. There are a couple clichés I could point out, but I don't really think it is a big deal. If you're curious feel free to message me, otherwise I'll keep it to myself. I think you have a good grasp on your characterisation of everyone, I like your Remus so far. All I can suggest is that while yes it's easy to believe that he is reclusive, reserved and tired, he is still a teenager. So just be sure to keep that in mind. I have to say I'm interested to see how he would handle being a tri-wizard contestant. I believe it is a good assumption that he was a skilled wizard.
As far as first person goes, I could tell in your opening that you're not as comfortable with it. But really after your first 'division' it feels completely natural. I feel like Remus should be the first character you introduce into the story, that he should be observing the interactions of Lily and James. First person isn't my strong point, but that is the best suggestion I can make. The other thing I noticed is also about your opening. I think in your opening you need to relate more clearly how bad the storm is. It just seems a little random that they're stuck on the train because of rain. You need an explanation as to why they can't cross the lake or take the carriages to the castle I think before you go into the dialogue.
I also spotted a few awkward sentences, nothing big:
'No, tonight the rain and the dark made the castle appear to be a dark indication of the years to come.' I feel like 'No, tonight the rain and the darkness made the castle appear to be an indication of the years to come' would be better.
'I knew he always warned us of the dangers that lie ahead of us.' It should be 'lay'.
'what happened to cause the two hate each other so much' should be, cause the two to hate..
That's all that really stood out to me.
By the way.. Beauxbaton's being a girls school was actually a movie thing, so not really canon.. I'm not suggesting you change it, just letting you know.
So, like I said, it's a good start to your story. It's intriguing and considering I don't generally like marauder era, I enjoyed reading this chapter. Good luck with the competition! Feel free to re-request.
Miss ChrisAuthor's Response: Thanks for pointing those out, I'll make a note of them for when I revise!
I'm aware of Beauxbaton's being coed in canon; I like the idea of a girls' school better personally, so that's why I kept it. (My dream university was all girls; sadly, didn't attend for financial reasons.)
Thank you so much for the review! When I get around to revising, I'll see what I can do about the opening. I appreciate the advice (: Report Review
Okay! So now I have a bit more of an understanding of Dorcas' and Remus' relationship. New exes who still sort of have feelings for each other. This is bound to be dramatic.
Anyways, I can definitley see the growth of Remus' character, even after 3 chapters. Now I know his personality a bit more.
Also, I don't know if I have any advice for you at this point! I haven't really read anything yet about the Triwizard Tournament because I can't get hooked on it (partly why I started the challenge) but anyways, this has gotten me hooked. It took two chapters, but now I'm very excited for the actual tournament to start.
Again- sorry if I sort of rambled or wasn't very helpful- it's midnight! I'm trying!Author's Response: Dramatic, I like that word. As I said to your last review; things are certainly going to be hard for them.
That is great to hear! I've always struggled with first person, so getting a grip on Remus is my main focus.
I haven't read any Tournament stories either, so a lot of this is new to me as well. I'm very flattered that you're hooked ^^;
Thank you for the wonderful reviews! Report Review
This one was a better than the first! I have a little bit more understanding of Remus and how being a werewolf affects him. You can see his personal struggle how he sort of wants to try for the cup, but he decides he won't because the "champion can't be a werewolf." Also, I'm very excited to see that you have added a romantic figure for Remus, I love romance! Again, develop a little more on Dorcas character. She was kind of thrown into the story. I love detail, so yeah (:
I'm trying to give constructive criticism here, I hope it's working. Also, if any part of this review was confusing, it's because it's 12:30 AM right now.Author's Response: Thank you so much! Remus's inner struggle is what I want to focus on with this story, make it a sort of 'coming to age' story.
I love romance too. Things with Dorcas are going to be revealed slowly, and just get harder for the two of them. We'll see how it plays out :) Report Review
Hi! This is really good! It's well written and you seem to have a good grip on the characters. Well done! I can't wait for more :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear you think that, I've been struggling with characterization (: Report Review
This is very interesting so far! Like you said in the authors note, you do need to work on character development a little bit. Most of the characters I do have a feel for already- but not for Remus. Hopefully, I'll learn a little more about him in the next chapter. I'm very excited to read more.Author's Response: Thank you! And, yes, I've really got to work on Remus. I'm struggling to get a feel for him myself, but I guess that's the challenge, yeah? Report Review
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