Hullo there! Its Ac here reviewing for the Improvement challenge. Sorry for keeping you waiting so long - I've been really busy with lots of reviews and things like moving out that tends to put a spanner in the works - but I'm here now to offer you the CC that you asked for :)
Its possibly because the past few I've reviewed have all been quite serious piece, but the second I started reading this I fell in love. Honestly, hairy Seamus. Wonderful. Honestly one of my favourite starts of things I've ever read. I just copied and pasted it to one of my friends. Excellent. All the positive adjectives.
Right so, constructive criticism. I can really see why you've used lots of short sentences at beginning of the chapter but there were a couple of occasions when I felt like the sentence structure could be... well, a bit better? So, for example "And the dishes. Those Damned dishes" would probably work better if they were the same sentence? Mostly though, it's really good, just something to think about in terms of improvement.
One thing, would it not be pretty easy to clean things though? A wave of a wand and clothes would be clean and hair disapeared? I'm sure it takes more work than that - but maybe you could acknowledge the fact that it could easily be cleaned away and have Theo not clean it on up on principle or something? I just got to the second paragraph about the dishes and was like TERGEO! and, yeah.
Some of the lines you have about these bare chested females really cracked me up, by the way. I'm not sure whether that can be classified as subtle, but through Theodore's narration it seemed almost subtle and unobtrusive (unlike the bare chested females).
I love the girls entrance. But, her first bit of speech... "their coffee tastes like flobberworm's dung. I can know" - it should be 'I do know' and then I'd put a dash from that bit about flobberworms' dung being healthy as its part of the same stream of information (ew, by the way; I don't think I'd eat anything's dung regardless of how healthy it was).
Oh dear, this woman is crazy. Honestly. I have absolutely no idea what's she's chatting about. But, Raddish Earings? Luna, then. Hmm, well, I'm not entirely sure whether I thought your characterisation of Luna was absolutely spot on. I've only seen Luna written perfectly about once and the idea that anyone can do it utterly blows my mind, but my issue with this Luna was that she didn't seem dreamy enough. Maybe if you took Luna and then gave her sixteen cups of coffee, but even so... Luna is more unobtrusive in her mannerisms. I think she'd be just as likely to sit in utter silence than to talk about things like witch doctors and the line - you could have a great few moments with Theo feeling oddly uncomfortable whilst Luna just watches him, before launching into more information about the orange snails. There were a few lines that were quintessentially Luna - "We're always running here and there, whole these animals probably travel no farther than 10 mile in their whole lives " (although it should be '10 miles' and I always think in writing numbers should be written in numbers because it seems cleaner so... ten miles. But, you get my point.
Okay, so the main problem I have with this whole piece is the kiss . I really really liked this whole thing - I liked the pairing, I liked the narration from Theodore and Luna's characterisation wasn't quite there but it wasn't bad (she just comes across as being slightly high on caffeine rather than dreamy) and I really felt like that bit let you down slightly. Basically, if I ran into someone I used to know in a cafe (at first I didn't like the fact that Theodore didn't remember her name - then it twigged that they'd have been in different years and houses so I guessed that was probably fair enough) I might very well sit down and start talking about vampire parties and witch doctors, but I do not think I would kiss that person.
And if I was Theodore I'd be like 'what the hell are you doing?!?' - it's just not a normal thing to do to kiss a randomer. I think it's largely a fanfiction thing, because I've seen it an awful lot - but a piece like this, which had so many merits and I really really enjoyed, I felt slightly cheated by it. I think it would have been a better conclusion of things if she'd slipped him a note with her name and address or something and a little write to me note, or maybe even set up a date? Anything but a kiss.
I hope you don't take that the wrong way or anything, I just thought you were way better than falling back on a cliche like that. I really enjoyed this and I'm really glad you entered my challenge. Looking forwards to reading your next challenge piece! :)
-AC Report Review
Theodore Nott. I like this version of him. It proves that not all of the Slytherins were going to turn out as Death Eaters and he seems perfectly nice.
The fact that he shares a place with Seamus is definitely different but I like it.
The girl that was described reminds me a lot of Luna but the description of her makes it clear that she isn't. I was wondering is she a character we know from the books or an OC?
I liked her argument when she was trying to explain to Theodore that just because you can't see something doesn't mean it isn't there. It was really cute one-shot and was just the right length.
Is there going to be a sequel to this or is it just a one-shot? I think that's it.
-jess Report Review
That was very sweet and well written. I loved it. :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here from Review Tag :)
The justified-ish formatting here is neat. Hmm.
I really like the interplay between Theo and Luna. It's neat that he barely said anything until late in the piece, because who really knows what to say in response to Luna, anyway? :) I liked the flow, too - I feel like one-shots are designed for this one-magic-moment kind of plot line.
Characterization was good as well. I like that Theo is a little more shy than his old Slytherin schoolmates. I thought Luna was appropriately whimsical, too - perhaps a little more forward than I would have estimated, such as when she drank from his cup, but I don't think anything was completely outside the realm of her canon self.
Nice work! :)
-Amanda Report Review
I love both Luna and Theodore as characters - although I can't think why I came to love Theodore because he's so minor - so, obviously, seeing their names in the summary grabbed me right away. I love the way you've characterised Luna! About, you know, her going to the party and getting bitten by a vampire, haha. It's so her - so fearless and inquisitive.
'Just like dragons, who only have one mate,' she said. 'And silk spider females, who after mating eat the males just to ensure they'll never have another female.' / She grinned. 'It's extreme, but I do believe it's a romantic concept.' - haha, I loved this little bit!
Luna's little philosophy about love :3 that's so sweet and adorable. And I love that line - 'You're kind of like an orange snail, aren't you?' - it made me smile and it fits so well with these two.
Also, that last line was jdshldfkjshl wonderful. This was such a lovely little piece and I'm so glad I read it ♥ Report Review
interesting, love the pairing. Report Review
This is a great story and I am really impressed with the way that you have caught Luna, it really is her and all the details with the silk spiders and orange snails are make her just as I imagine her to be.
I dont know much about Theo, escept that he's a slytherin, but he definitly has a character and flaws which makes him seem real and anchored to the ground in comparison to Luna who is air and magical.
Your way of writing gives the story dizzy edges and that makes the whole every-day-thing magical despite none being performed at all.
I really like the way Luna asks him if he can see love and how she makes him realise that you don't always have to see to believe.
Lovely story 10/10
CheeringCharm HufflepuffAuthor's Response: Thank you for the lovely review. I'm glad you think Luna was Luna. It hard to write her. Harder than I thought!
Really happy that you liked it! ;) Report Review
Hey! here with your requested review, I apologize SO much for the delay!
This was quite a unique and interesting idea for a story! ^^ I enjoyed it, was refreshing to see a different pairing and read some good ol' Luna. I did like Theo's personality, and I think you do a good job of giving us a good idea of what he's like in the first few paragraphs of the story. Luna was her lovely and quite eccentric self, though in my opinion I'm not sure she'd keep talking quite that much with no response? The dialogue certainly was her sort of sayings, though. ^^
'To proof his point' - I believe that should be 'prove', and
'But if you cant see it,' he suddenly said 'how do you know its there?' He grinned. 'Do you smell it?' - I wasn't sure if perhaps one of the he's was meant to be a she, or is Theo speaking both lines?
Other than that, it was good! I really, really liked what she was saying about love and I think this was an adorable idea for a story. The fact she kissed him and left seemed very Luna-ish. ^^ Leaving a long lasting, odd impression. Good job overall! =D
-Caiti [Cappie/Hufflepuff]Author's Response: That's all right. I'm slow as well, with my internet being down and such. It's either the neighbours or my phone, which both isn't that handy.
Anyway, thank you for the review. I was kind of worried about Luna's character, but I thought, hey, she's a bit older. She's still odd and says weird stuff, but I guess it can't hurt making her a bit more talkative.
So happy you liked it and thank again for reviewing! Report Review
Hello there! ilharrypotter/Polkadot from the forums with your requested review.
Right away, I'm super excited to see a Theodore/Luna story. I absolutely ADORE weird pairings. I'm still trying to write a weird pairing, other than Hermione/Oliver, but reading them is just so much fun. So I'm looking forward to this.
(Your banner is beautiful, also.)
Anyway, time to get down to business.
You asked about the characters. Immediately, Theodore is a humorous character, and he seems realistic as a person. We don't hear too much about Nott, anyway. So you can kind of make him your own. It's nice, and you seem to do it well.
The story seems to flow very nicely - the beginning intro was a little bit long-winded for being so minor to the story, in my opinion, but that's all that I can think to say about the flow. Everything else moves like you want a story to move. Very well done there.
Oh, you did Luna so well! She talks and talks, without Nott even responding - it's hilarious, and so very Luna! She acts so much like herself. You wrote her wonderfully!
I find it hard to tell who's talking at times. You break into another paragraph, but the same person is talking. Luckily, Luna's dialogue is so distinctive that I don't stay confused for too often. In other cases, however, that could pose a problem.
It's a beautiful little piece - and I love that it doesn't have a perfect happy ending, and he doesn't even know who she is. It's lovely. I adored it. Great job. :)
-Paige.Author's Response: OOh, so happy you think I did Luna well. She's so hard to write, though I had a bit freedom, since she's older in this story than she was at Hogwarts. If she's OOC, I could easily say, 'hey, she older!' :p
Thank you for reviewing, by the way. Almost forget that ;) Report Review
I like the way you wrote the story, especially since Theo/Luna is such a rare pairing (one of my favourites, though). The only thing that I thought was kind of weird was Seamus being a ladies man. Never thought I would see/hear of that; most of the fan-fictions with Seamus in it make him, apparently, gay.
Otherwise, it was really great.Author's Response: I don't know. Since I have a major teenage crush on Seamus - which is pathetic because I'm way out of my teenage years ;) - I always imagined him to be a ladiesman. With a couple of freckles, Irish accent, lopsided grin; a smooth operator :p
Thank you for the review! Report Review
Honoraryweasleyy from the forums here, with your review. :)
Well, this must have been odd for you to write - it sure was odd for me to read. But somehow, after a while, it seemed to make perfect sense to me, which is ridiculous. Your writing is putting insane ideas in my head, lady.
Theodore Nott. You know, I'm sure that it's more than possible that he and Seamus ended up together. I'd like to hear that story, but I think it would make sense that after the war (the Battle of Hogwarts, especially) all the students would grab onto each other, if you see what I mean. Theo wasn't given much of a personality by JKR, but maybe he's one of those people who just doesn't have much of a personality :) Anyway, how you portrayed him fits together perfectly, fits in with the story perfectly, and does fit in canon, too - so I wouldn't worry.
The main thing is Luna, who fills in all the gaps for him. She talks, and she doesn't mind when he doesn't, and all the things she does and says sound so distinctly LUNA - a slightly aged Luna, though.
You also mentioned the flow - I wouldn't worry about that at all, either. I do know, and maybe you do too, that many of the lines that you put on separate lines would traditionally share one (if you know what I mean by that?). I like how you did it, though. It keeps the flow, keeps it simple, keeps the mood up.
And finally- I love the very last sentence, "Just somewhere." That was great.
x JAuthor's Response: Actually, I'm working on that story. It has something to do with Lee Jordan, a magazine and a medium-sized rural island which is slowly but steadily being taking over by sheep (otherwise known as Ireland).
I'm glad you liked my Luna - she's hard to write! respect to JKR - and the story overall. Thank you for the review. Report Review
I really enjoyed this. One thing I don't understand, however, is how Seamus and Theo came to live together. They're Gryffindor and Slytherin; outgoing Irishman and quiet son of a Death Eater.
I do feel like you've captured Theo well. I don't picture him as the type to get along with a roommate, let alone one who has people over all the time. And I think he handled Luna true to character as well.
Luna was fantastic! You got her character spot on. The balance between her spacey words and meaningful thoughts was perfect.
(I adore the fact that Matt Smith is in your banner. I love Doctor Who!)Author's Response: There's a story behind them living together, involving Quidditch, Lee Jordan and a new sports magazine called "the Quip". That story is in the works ;)
Thank you for your review, by the way! Glad you liked it. I wasn't really sure about Luna - she's so hard to write - but it's good to hear you liked her.
And yeah, Matt Smith is love. Report Review
Hello there!! My alter ego on the forums is phoenixflames19, and *da da dada!* here is your review!
First, you wanted to know about flow. I think it flows very nicely. You did a good job making the flashbacks seem like they were actually happening. They weren't even really flashbacks, now that I think about it. I liked listening to Theodore think. His thoughts are interesting. I never really thought about him before.
Second, his character. He doesn't really have one, and I think that's okay. Luna is nutty enough for both of them. You did a good job with her, I love how you talk about her trip to Africa (good idea, by the way). Anyway, I think Theodore is just fine the way he is. I like him a lot more than I did in the books.
Good job with this, and good luck!
wbm/pfAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review. This was written in half an hour or so and I'm not one for proofreading so I was a bit worried about the one-shot ;) Report Review
I think you did an amazing job with my challenge here, you got all the right ideas about the song. I really liked how you used Theo, you don't know all that much about him but you carried his quite nature very well. And I love how you ended the one-shot : Just somewhere. :)
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: So glad you liked it! Than you for the lovely review. Report Review
Hey, it's Roots in Water here with your review!
First let me just say that when I saw the pairing I was intrigued- I've never heard of this pairing, let alone read about it. Now I'm glad you requested a review- it's really good.
I feel that you got the characterization of Theo right. He doesn't speak at all in the novels, and you kept on with his silence in this one-shot. As well, I could definitely imagine him as a neat-freak.
One thing, the very first two sentences, "Theodore Nott wasn’t easily perturbed. But right now he was frustrated.", could be combined into one sentence. I think it would help the flow in the beginning.
As for the flow, I thought it flowed really well. Luna carried the majority of the conversation, as is natural, and said some very Luna-ish things. You didn't overload the story with details or conversation- you had a nice balance.
The only other thing I wonder about is how Theo came to live with Seamus, and why he still lives with Seamus. Theo and Seamus were in different houses (Gryffindor and Slytherin) and (to me) had clashing personalitites. Futhermore, why doesn't Theo just move out if Seamus' dirty habits bother him so much?
Other than that, though, the whole plot was wonderful. I especially love the fact that Theo can't even remember who Luna is- the radish earrings struck a bell, but no hard enough to remind him. Nicely done!
I really enjoyed reading this!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad you thought it flowed well. Things always flow in my head but once I read them again it just doesn't sound that good anymore, so I was kind of worried about this one.
As to why they're living together; it's all in my head ;)
I'm planning on writing a couple of one-shots about their "adventures" while living together. But I can reveal that they were "forced" to live together due to circumstances and in the process have become good friends.
Besides, when you live together there will always be tension. I love my housemates, but sometimes I just want to murder them. And they me ;) Report Review
This was so lovely. You did and excellent job getting a backstory and a introducing a character that was realistic and clear right at the start, a rare feat. And Luna was simply fantastic, rather perfectly in character. I wish this weren't a one shot. Sigh. It was excellent anyways though! 10/10
-Elle :)Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review. I'm very happy you liked it. I'm actually thinking of writing some more one-shots about Theo and Seamus living together and I'm sure Luna will feature in a couple of them ;) Report Review
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