I think you have a really great idea here, and with the other chapters it's obvious to see you are very dedicated to this story.

But, I do find it a bit confusing. I feel like maybe actually describing what is happening as opposed to listening what Al is doing would help make it feel less like a step by step and more like a sink into me story. For example:

-When I think I’ve written just about all I can, I decide to read it over one last time before going to bed.

There's nothing *wrong* with that sentence, but it also doesn't make me feel like I'm reading story. Finding different ways to talk about what he's doing without actually listing what he's doing will go a long way, I think.

Another point of CC that I feel like I should point out is Al's level of internal maturity. The way he talks and processes is mature, but I've seen a handful of young teenagers seem to be much older than they are - but I haven't come into contact with a thirteen year old that is so self aware in such an adult way.

Most thirteen year old children know they want to be different, but couldn't exactly articulate that in such an adult manner. The part when he writes that he cherishes the physical different, that's the kind of maturity that not even an adult would be able to master. So, if Al does continue like this, I think my piece of advice would be to have direct reasons, obvious proof he's always been an old soul.. that kind of thing :)

I really like how you've set your characters up, because it makes me want to care about them and see Al finally be happy with himself, so I think in terms of knowing the people you're creating, you're doing a great job.

Thanks for being a lovely Gryffie!

Jami

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Hi, there! Thanks so much for doing your part to help Gryffindor take the cup! Here is your review.

I basically want to split my review into two parts: idea and execution. I think it's the best way to explain my thoughts on your story.

The underlying idea of this chapter is excellent. It makes all the sense in the world, and I feel like it's probably an under-appreciated aspect of Albus's character in most Next Gen tics. It can't be easy growing up as the child of the famous Harry Potter and his almost equally famous wife. Doubly difficult if you're shy. And the trifecta is the fact that you're a dead ringer for your father at the same age. I get every bit of Albus's existential crisis.

The sense of disaffection and resentment that he feels really resonates with me. It isn't anger directed at his father, per se, but rather at the entire world that can't see him as anybody else. You did a great job of creating that and building on it as the chapter moves on.

The execution of the plot, I think, could use a bit more work. I felt like a lot of the dialog sounded too mature for a 13-year-old. The essay, in particular, sounded like something that a high schooler would write, not a rising Third Year.

Overall, a nice start. I think with a bit of refinement, you have a really great idea here!

-- Dialog sounds too mature

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your a great writer but i though underaged wizirds and witches couldnt use magic out of school?

Author's Response: You are correct, underage wizards and witches aren't supposed to use magic outside of school.

However, the Ministry can only detect that magic was used, not who actually used it, so children in Wizarding familes like Albus can occasionally get away with using magic at home.

Ary has special permission to use her spell from Professor McGonagall, so she may use magic only to cast her hearing spell while she is at home, even though her Mum is a Muggle.

Thanks for your review! I'm so glad you are enjoying my story!! :)

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you are losing so many readers by not updating.

Author's Response: This is an interesting comment because I am currently reading several stories by fantastic authors who sometimes don't update for months, and I stay with them because I enjoy their stories so much. Plus, I understand how real life can get in the way of fun.

I sincerely hope that the people who enjoy my story will continue to read it even if I get delayed in submitting my chapters. For those who give up on it and stop reading, well.they'll just never know how it ends, I guess...

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Great sory keep updating

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying it! Chapter 10 is in the queue and should be up soon! :)

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Hurry up, I have been waiting so long. Please, please, please update!

Author's Response: Chapter 10 is in the queue and should be up soon!! :)

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Great story, please update

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please, please, please update. I have been waiting like forever

Author's Response: Chapter 9 validated today (13 JUN)!! I hope you enjoy it and continue to enjoy my story!
Thanks for reviewing!! :)

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I love this story, this chapter is my favorite. Please update.

10/10

Author's Response: Thank you!! I'm glad you are enjoying my story! Chapter 9 is in the queue waiting for validation and will hopefully be up soon.

Thanks for the review! I hope you continue to enjoy!! :)

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Hello...Are u going to update! I have been waiting for 2 months.

Author's Response: My story was last updated when Chapter 8 was validated on 13 May, which was less than a month ago. I am currently editing Chapter 9 and will put it in the queue tomorrow. It should be up in a week or less depending on the wait time for validation.

I'm glad you are enjoying my story! Thanks for the review! :)

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Cool story, love it. 10/10!

Post another chapter

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Chapter 9 validated today! I hope you enjoy!


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I love your story it is such an awesome story.

P.S please, please, please update

Author's Response: Thank you!! Chapter 9 validated today. I hope you continue to enjoy!

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UPDATE! please love the story (:

Author's Response: Thank you!! Chapter 8 has been validated and I am almost finished with Chapter 9. I hope you continue to enjoy it! Thanks for reviewing!! :)

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Are you going to update! because do it quick, else you are going to lose readers.

Author's Response: Thank you for reading and posting a review!

Sorry for the wait, life as a single mom keeps interfering with my writing time. :/

I have chapter 8 in the queue right now and am already well into chapter 9. I'm hoping to post chapter 9 soon after chapter 8 is validated. :)

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Cool story, update please.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying it!

Chapter 8 is in the queue now, waiting to be validated. :)

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Cool story, update please.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying it!

Chapter 8 is in the queue now, waiting to be validated. :)

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Cool story, update please.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying it!

Chapter 8 is in the queue now, waiting to be validated. :)

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Great story where the *Love*

Author's Response: Thank you!! I have the next chapter waiting for validation. I hope you continue to read and enjoy! :)

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Love the story 10/10

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying it! I'm having a really good time writing it.

Chapter 8 is in the queue now, waiting to be validated. :)

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great story, love how Albus and Aryela are going to bond.

Author's Response: Thank you! I hope you continue to enjoy it! :)

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I usually don't read OC stories, but this is really good.

Author's Response: Thank you!! I hope you continue to enjoy my story!! :)

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The story is getting me hooked but where is this story going to?

Author's Response: I'm glad you are enjoying my story. You'll just have to wait and see where things go! It will be worth the wait though!! :)

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nice story
ur a good author

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you like it! :)

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This story is really nice! I really want to know what happens next and how Al and Ary become better friends. Update soon! --Nadia

Author's Response: Thank you!! I'm glad you like it! Chapter 6 is posted and I'm submitting chapter 7 today. I hope you continue to read and enjoy! :)

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Great story, post another chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you!! I am working on chapter 5 right now! Hopefully it will be ready soon! :)

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