Reading Reviews for Charmed
  
47 Reviews Found

Review #1, by salimahv In which they drink tea

28th April 2013:
Just stumbled upon this story and I must say that it is AMAH-ZING :) seriously, its really good and I am totally hooked so pllleeaassse update soon!

 Report Review

Review #2, by Grace In which they drink tea

21st March 2013:
I'm really quite fond of this story. It's a shame it hasn't got more reviews! Andy is lovely and Sirius is lovely and all your characters are lovely. It's refreshing to see a Sirius/OC story that isn't obnoxiously quirky and love sick and just...blah. This is really great!

 Report Review

Review #3, by Sawyeer In which they drink tea

2nd January 2013:
This is amazing, can't wait for your next update!!

 Report Review

Review #4, by Pretense Of Perfection In which they are reunited

25th November 2012:
Wait, Em, Em, what did you say? I cry, chasing after her. But she refuses to say anything until she has trapped myself, Lily, Evie and Em in a compartment and locked the door. Theres barely time for us to hug each other before her speech begins.

Did you mean to write Leah where you put Em the third time? Because otherwise, the sentence doesn't necessarily make sense..

Anyways, I must admit that after reading the past few chapters, and my incredibly long-winded review(sometimes I just love seeing myself type..or reading my own words...or whatever? You get the point I'm sure) that I was one hundred percent correct about your writing abilities. This chapter is everything I have been expecting from the quality of what I see you capable of. While I imagine teenage girls would have more to say about their summers, not to mention it's improbable a sixteen year old girl would lose her virginity and be able to wait to tell her friends, I think that we found out so much more about a few of the characters, mainly Andy...

I adore her bucket list. I see now how Stephen sort of ties into things(although I must reiterate my previous review, I think it could've been done in one long prologue chapter, or several more detailed chapters about Andy as a character, along with her friends and her relationship with Stephen) and I can't wait to see what else is on Andy's bucket list. I think this chapter would have been the perfect place to give us a glimpse inside of her life outside Hogwarts a bit more, although we do find out she has a younger sister. I could have missed it, but I'm not sure we as the readers know her blood status, which is certainly crucial during the war.

I really enjoyed getting to know Sirius through Andy's eyes as well. I like how she notices how different he looks and acts, as well as the rough edge to him that she noticed wasn't there previously. I personally contradict your point in thinking James would be oblivious to it, as he is closer to anyone else than Sirius, and the two live together. Remus and Peter I can see being in the dark..but from what we know from canon I'd say it's sort of unlikely. But hey, this is your story to tell, and I love seeing the different relationship dynamics people come up with to elaborate on things of which we can only guess.

I did notice a few spelling and grammar errors, but nothing too major, and definately worth overlooking to get to know Andy as a character a little better.

Lastly, I'd like to commend your general awesome use of brit-lingo. I'm hazarding a guess saying you are from the country? As an American it is one of the things I personally struggle with, and I'm green with envy :)

 Report Review

Review #5, by Pretense Of Perfection  In which decisions are not made

25th November 2012:
I must commend you on your writing skills again..it is very evident based on the past few chapters I've read that you have loads of talent and potential.

With that being said, it could maybe just be me, but I find myself being incredibly confused, and having to re-read things more often than necessary. I understand as of this chapter(although it wasn't necessarily clear in previous ones) that you're sort of just offering a brief glimpse of their fifth year before moving on to sixth I'd assume, but I feel that in the process of trying to to be brief yet informative, you may have slightly missed the mark. The OCs provide a tremendous amount of confusion for me. I can't seem to keep Em and Evie straight. Furthermore, the excessive use of everyone using different nicknames, then last names, then another nickname, and then a given name certainly doesn't help the situation. Like I said, it could just be me being daft, but I'd try sticking with using only one or two names for each character until they all have distinctly established identities to your readers.

I find it slightly strange that Remus and Andy have never been introduced to one another, despite the fact that they are in the same house and year, and would subsequently share all of the same classes. It also seems that the Marauders sit beside them during meals, and that they have a fair bit of interaction, so it just seems..unrealisitc perhaps? I daresay as well that even if they had a conversation or two here or there, it's sort of odd that they would have a conversation as personal as Andy's love life and whether or not she should break up with her boyfriend. Andy seems to have had pretty much the same conversation with her little clique of friends, and then again with Mary, and then again with Remus, so unless it has some crucial point later on in the story, you could certainly stand to lose one of the repetitive conversations.

I think mainly the issues I've encountered reading the story all come back to one isse; pacing. It's sort of...quick, for lack of a better term. We start off meeting three or four OCs in the first chapter, yet learn very little about them aside from their names and that they are all friendly toward one another and Lily. I'd like to learn more about them..see them fluffed and jazzed up a bit, and really get a feel for each one of them as individuals with seperate identities. Being completely honest, if any given one of the OCs introduced so far were to have something horrible to happen to them, it probably wouldn't have much of an effect on me as the reader. Again, I understand that you are trying to sort of just provide an overview of their fifth year, but I firmly believe that slightly longer chapters, or even a rather long prologue condensing the past few chapters would solve every single one of my criticisms, which again, I think are all tied in to the pacing of the story, and then you could really begin to dig into the heart and soul of the story, and fully develope each of your characters. We know virtually nothing about Andy, Evie, Em, Stephen, Mary or Leah. Aside from Mary, who despite her brief appearance, made more of an impact on me tham anyone else(mainly because of the little backstory about her cat), I feel as though any one of the others could be sort of interchangable. We know virtually nothing about their families, life, morals, values, beliefs, or anything of substance aside from their general views on school, classes, and the Marauders. Perhaps dig a little deeper into one or two of the conversations the girls have before going to sleep? I know us girls love to talk about boys, but I'm sure these five girls have more going on in their lives than Stephen, James, and I honestly can't even remember the name of either Evie or Em's current boy toy...

Anyways, I really don't mean to be harsh, and I'm sorry if it comes across that way at all. I fully plan to continue with this story, as anyone with eyes can tell you have incredible talent, and the imagery you create has a sort of raw power to it. I know tying everything in together can be difficult, especially rounding out good OCs, but I feel that you are literally almost 90% of the way to having a truly epic story. I've noticed virtually no spelling, grammar, syntax, or punctuation errors, and I can tell that you as the author(who I'm sure knows each charrie inside and out), truly care for the story you are telling. Again, sorry if I seem harsh..I'm sort of known for my brutally honest and unsolicited reviews, but I love reading and watching authors grow and learn with their passions. Can't wait to read what's in store for the next few chapters.

Oh, and it's completely adorable how you give your readers a little tease of what's coming up in the next chapter, I love it :)

 Report Review

Review #6, by Pretense Of Perfection In which the force is disturbed

24th November 2012:
Just started reading this, and I think it's a very promising start. I'll be keeping up, and I leave horribly lengthy reviews as a rule. Fair warning :)


The very beginning sort of confused me a little bit..I'm not sure if it was two of the characters names being so similar(Evie and Em), or what, but I found myself re-reading this first bit over again to really understand what was going on.

Secondly, have you read the Georgia Nicholson books? The jammy dodgers reminded me of her writing, and I'm just curious.

I think Lily's character is pretty much spot on..I love how she seems to loathe James, although we obviously all know differently. I still haven't really gotten a "feel" for any of the other characters yet, especially your MC. I feel like the chapter could have been a bit longer, or perhaps contained some sort of insight into who she is or what she's all about. I look forward to seeing you develop her more as the story goes on, but I have to be honest and say as of now I just feel sort of -meh- about her. Her name gave me cause to worry at first too...as this is eventually a Sirius/OC ship, and she seems to be the main character, when I realized her name was Andy, I hoped against hope that you weren't writing about Andromeda Black. We all know they're cousins, although back in the day I did see someone write a fic about the two of them..hopefully not knowing that little fact, and aside from the fact that if you stick to canon they wouldn't have been in school together during his fifth year.

Anyways, I'm starting to ramble. I'll be reading through the rest of the chapters tonight, and I must admit I'm excited. Overall, your writing is incredible, I love all of the adjectives, and the "little things" that really make a story a good read.

Keep up the good work!!

 Report Review

Review #7, by thebakerwhowouldntcook In which they drink tea

16th November 2012:
Yay, I'm finally all caught up! I love the development that's been going on. JP is a cutie too! Can't wait for what's to come

Author's Response: you're lovely! thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #8, by Voldy Needs a Hug In which the force is disturbed

6th November 2012:
I wanted to start off my review with apologizing for my tardiness. Now that we've gotten that aside, I really enjoyed this chapter, and I thought it was an excellent start to the fanfiction.

Plot- I was impressed by the ease at which you managed to introduce readers to the characters and their circumstances, while still keeping the plot interesting and moving along. You jumped right into the story, instead of spending the first fourteen paragraphs describing Lily's hair, as some authors tend to do. I found the events enticing and captivating as a reader, which compelled me to continue reading. This is, in no way, a reflection of your writing, rather my own stupidity, but I just realized as I began typing this review as to why the chapter is entitled "In which the force is disturbed." That's embarrassing.

Flow- The events flowed very smoothly, in my opinion. Introductions are often the hardest portion of a story to write and often have a choppy flow. You, however, do not fit into this category. I must applaud you for the smooth transitions from one event to the next.

Grammar- I didn't find any spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes, so great job!

Characterization- Of course, this is the first chapter of the fanfiction and a reader will not know every last detail about every character who is mentioned. You indirectly portrayed quite a few personality quirks in the first several paragraphs, making your characters both believable and relateable. Although, I would have liked to know a little more about some of the main characters so I can picture them more clearly. This may very well be revealed in the next several chapters, and I apologize if it is. I did like the exchange between the characters at the beginning of the chapter and the scene at breakfast. I couldn't stop laughing after the "Potty" reference.

Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter and you did an excellent job. Keep up the fantastic writing!

9/10

 Report Review

Review #9, by Hedwig_Pie In which the force is disturbed

4th November 2012:
i really like the way you write, i shall forget my homework momenterily and continue reading!
be proud. proud i tell you.
so far, i love it:)

Author's Response: this is so nice! thank you for reading. you're lovely.

 Report Review

Review #10, by Wistful In which the force is disturbed

13th August 2012:
ohmygod.
I'm just so sorry.
I shouldn't have taken so long to review.

This is Wistful with your long requested review *sorry*

Alright, Julia, here we go ^_^ *waves glittery baton*

Wow. Great first chapter. I just love how in the beginning you wrote about the friends interacting. To be honest, that is how friends should act and you wrote it incredibly well! You could tell they got along well and they really were rather good friends. Good job with that. I love your characterization so far. I'm getting a glimse into each of their persona's and thumbs up for you. Lily definitely seems like Lily, same with James. Very canon. I can't say with the OC as they're well OC but you've got a good start in developing them.

You opened the chapter pretty well, though I usually don't like when it starts with dialogue, you pulled it off. Now ot the even more important part. It was hilarious. At one part, I ended up giving my mother a fright when I bursted into laughter randomly while I was reaidng it. I just ove tis chapter so far.

Plot, plot, what can I say about plot? Nohtn really, as you just started and I don't have a clear idea of hwere you're going with this so far. Still a good start though. Flow? I can definitely ramble about flow. You seem to have good word choice and no awkward sentences which is always brilliant. Its flows... epicly *nodnod*

Brilliant start, Julia!

-Wistful

 Report Review

Review #11, by luciusobsessed In which the force is disturbed

13th August 2012:
Hey there! Let me start off by saying I LOVE Marauder fics. They're some of my absolute faces!

I love your OC's! They're witty, humorous, and remind me much of myself in so many different ways. Your writing style really engrossed me in your story, and your descriptions are great!

Keep up the writing and feel free to re-request :)

Author's Response: thank you for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #12, by daretodream In which there are sequins

8th August 2012:
Since it took me so long to get around to reviewing your story, I figured I might as well make it an even four chapters. I hate making people wait, it makes me feel sad.

I adored the way that Andy broke up with Stephen. She wanted to be in a relationship where her passions could prosper, hilarious. But he was certainly not expecting that, not from what he apparently thought getting dragged into the Entrance Hall was going to mean for him. Stupid boy, never liked him.

I also laughed out loud when Peter told Andy that he thought she was worth dating and she responded with "Acknowledged Pettigrew". Poor Peter never gets the birds, huh? Then again, is this surprising when he is friends with James, Remus and Sirius?

I also felt bad for Lily having to deal with all of her friends after that party. Everyone knows there is no way that could have been a fun like experience.

I really enjoyed reading your story! Keep up the good work!

~Cassie

Author's Response: That's so nice of you thank you! Actually, as demonstrated in later chapters, Pete does get his fair share of the ladies ;) Thank youu so much for this, it was lovely to hear what you thought ♥

 Report Review

Review #13, by daretodream  In which decisions are not made

8th August 2012:
I LOVE your Mary McDonald. She is unbelievably awesome and I wish she was my friend. Seriously. We need more people who just tell it like it is in the world.

And Remus! I'm pretty sure if I absolutely had to pick a favorite Marauder, nine times out of ten it would be Remus. And I also think that you did a really good job writing him. He is sweet and in character, and I loved it.

I'm beginning to really not like Stephen. There's just something about him, maybe it is the fact that he is boring. Or maybe it's that he just makes plans for other people without consulting them first. Or that they always hand out with his friend's but never with Andy's.

But SERIOUSLY, Mary was my favorite part of this entire chapter. I think that she should make cameo appearances much more frequently. And thanks to her Andy is going to break up with Stephen! Which will set up the relationships that need to happen!

Great chapter!!

~Cassie

Author's Response: Yay I like Mary too! (That's probably more obvious in later chapters when she starts popping up every ten minutes just for fun) ♥

 Report Review

Review #14, by TenthWeasley In which the force is disturbed

8th August 2012:
Hello -- TenthWeasleyWriter here with your requested review!

This was a really cute beginning to your story! Normally most of the Sirius/OCs I read are, I admit, a bit overworked and dry (that is the unfortunate pitfall of writing a fairly popular pairing), but already yours seems very fresh. There are a few of the common themes, i.e. an OC's annoyance with the Marauders, but I don't say that to criticize. Good writing trumps all common arcs, and honestly, I've used them myself, so far be it from me to judge. ;)

I'm very curious as to how Andy's assocations with Sirius will work out into an actual relationship, and I think you've already laid the foundation for that well. And again I'll commend you on avoiding becoming a dime-a-dozen story just by making your characters seem real. There's nothing forced about them thus far; they seem genuine, and that's fun to read! And another thing that makes good reading is your ability to write. Spelling and mechanics and grammar -- all are really, really well looked-over here, and I can't thank you for that enough. There was nothing to distract me from the story itself, and as a reader, I want to be able to read instead of stop every time a misspelling catches my eye, you know? So fantastic work there!

You've got great humor here, too, before I forget to mention it. ;) Several lines, especially tossed out among the girls, made me crack a smile. Like the Star Wars reference! :3 And I think you've got the perfect humorous voice for a light, funny romantic fic, and as long as you keep writing thus, there shouldn't be any qualms in that department.

The only thing I think might need a bit of work as far as this first chapter goes is fleshing out your characters just a bit more -- especially Andy. If she's going to be the main character in your story, we want to be there with her, feeling the things she feels, being angry at the people she's mad at, etc. We've got a good sense of her voice, coming from the first person tense, but we don't know her, or, really, her best friends (apart from Lily). You've made me want to know them, so let your readers in!

Other than that, though, I honestly can't find anything else to criticize. You've really got a good start to this story with this chapter, and if you're in the mood to re-request for the second chapter, I'd be only too happy to oblige. :) Keep up the fantastic work, and thank you for stopping by!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for stopping by.

I won't deny that this is a story absolutely teeming with cliches, and my pairing is probably a bit overworked and dry, but it's fun to write and hopefully to read! I also spent a lot of time working on the dynamic between Andy and her friends, and I'm really pleased to hear that you find it realistic.

Thank you again for this -- your comments are genuinely very helpful! I'll be by to rerequest ;) ♥


 Report Review

Review #15, by daretodream In which there is honking

8th August 2012:
Hello!

Maybe it's because I write the same way, but I didn't find the scene jumps distracting. It always seemed pretty obvious where each scene ended, and you blended them well.

Again, I thought this chapter was hilarious. I love all the inner dialogue, I do find it to be rather funny.

My favorite comments were easily all about Stephen. I have a friend who we do something similar to, and so it was hilarious to me, though by the end of the scene where they really made fun of him I did feel bad for Andy. Still, usually when all of one's friends adamantly dislike a significant other, it's not a good sign, no?

Andy had a crush on Sirius in third year? That's so cute! But she's grown out of it now. I LOVED you comment about her secretly finding some of the things he says amusing, but not wanting to show it. I do that quite often.

All in all I think this was a really good chapter! Good work!

~Cassie

Author's Response: I'm actually really pleased to hear that about the scene jumps - I'd been worried about it - and to hear that you find it realistic! I read a lot of fics where the dialogue isn't really believable for sixteen year olds. Thank you again ♥

 Report Review

Review #16, by daretodream In which the force is disturbed

8th August 2012:
Hello! I'm so sorry it took me so long to get over here; usually I'm much more prompt, but my life has been a little busy the past few days.

Marauders stories will always hold a special place in my heart :) I haven't read one in a little while, so I'm glad you requested a review! It was time to get back to my roots!

I really really liked this first chapter. It was humorous, plus a really good start to get the reader interested. I think you introduced just the right amount of characters so that the reader didn't get confused.

Your main character seems sassy and smart and I like it. I was so happy she wasn't afraid to stand up to the Marauders and remind them of who she is. One of my biggest pet peeves are weak OC main characters.

I'd also like to give you a pat on the back for writing in the present tense. I always have the hardest time with it, so to me it always seems like that is worth some extra recognition.

Oh, and before I forget, I'd like to comment on how much I love your story summary. It's adorable.

Great first chapter!

~Cassie

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for the offer and for popping by - don't worry about the delay at all.

I'm glad that you noticed and appreciated Andy's sassiness (I think that's the only word for it)! I don't want to give anything away, but initially she was very timid - until I realised that wouldn't fit with the plot at all. Thanks so much for your comments! Really nice to hear that you enjoyed it ♥


 Report Review

Review #17, by thebakerwhowouldntcook In which they are reunited

8th August 2012:
I am in lalalalove with this story. First off, and this may seem kind of a strange thing to compliment, but you have a gift for naming OCs I think. Like, everyone's name just fits together so nicely and I adore that. Also, I can't remember for sure or not if I ever clicked through this story before it was in present tense, but I totally love the change and it's refreshing (for me anyway, maybe I don't read the right stories?) and lovely :) This story is just so likable and I really look forward to reading more! Cheers!

Author's Response: Naming OCs is a good talent to have -- I will not only take that compliment but I will put it on my resumes and possibly on a sash.

Thank you so much for reviewing, this was lovely to come home to! aaand the new chapter is in the queue ♥


 Report Review

Review #18, by SLJack  In which decisions are not made

26th May 2012:
This story is amazingly terrific :)

The characters are believable and the dialogue is entertaining. Your writing is unbelievably filled with genius, and humour. The witty lines always succeed, knocking out the boredom and bringing in that sense of realife scenes.

The main character is incredible, she's not some floozy flouncy little girl, but an actual character that shows promise--which undoubtedly shows promise to this brilliant story of yours!

The first chapter had me hooked and I just HAD to read on, and let me tell you I usually give up after the first few chapters. But not you miss, you have real talent, the story flows perfectly.

You are intelligent and a very talented writer. I look forward to reading more of this story :D

Thank you!!

P.S.

I love the name Tilden Toots hahaha

Author's Response: Thank you so much my dear! Coming back to HPFF to this review was lovely, and I really appreciate it - eee I'm blushing and things. Thank you!

 Report Review

Review #19, by slytherinchica08 In which the force is disturbed

4th September 2011:
Hey I think this is a good beginning to your story. I really like this era as well as dramione so this was a fun read. I like how you have it set up and the way that you wrote this chapter. Also I liked the title of your chapter I found it to be kind of funny. I didn't spot any major mistakes throughout the chapter, I think there was one instance where you had an s at the end of a word when you didnt need it- here it is- "Listen, Evans, James continued, leaning forwards in his seat.

Really though this was a good beginning it gave me a little idea of who the characters are and what they are like, maybe just expand on them a little more in the next few chapters. Also i must say I liked how you started it out in the library and such. Great Job!

~Slytherinchica08~

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, and your comments. Hopefully the characters will expand in the next couple chapters - and I double checked the forward/forwards scenario (my way is fine, apparently, but thanks for mentioning it).

 Report Review

Review #20, by lemonpeeps In which there is honking

18th August 2011:
Good, full, chapter you had here, plenty of stuff to talk about!

I kind of felt that this chapter went all over the place, I followed along pretty well but some transitions between the common room/Hogsmeade/common room/Andy blast spells over her shoulder would be nice and make it much easier to follow. I'm really impressed with your writing, though, is rich and you put a lot into it (at least in this chapter) props again. I find though that I really don't understand Sirius, I don't know if you mean it like that or whatever, but I really wish he'd come to life a bit more. Also the same for Lily. She and Andy are best friends I think Andy should include her a little more in her thoughts, develope their relationship a little more.

Again I hope this is what you were looking for, and I hope I didn't sound too hard on you, because I really enjoyed reading it!

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: I think I'll work on descriptions - I think that's what you mean about transitions, right? And I agree, that should help. And yes, I was thinking about Sirius just yesterday; I'm going to have to give him more character. I suppose that because Sirius is in canon and featured so much on HPFF, I kind of just assumed that everyone would understand how I perceive Sirius... embarrassingly bad mistake, that is. And I will be giving Andy's feelings about Lily a little more attention, hopefully.

Thanks for two really helpful reviews! :)


 Report Review

Review #21, by lemonpeeps In which the force is disturbed

18th August 2011:
Okay!! How you doing? Good I hope!!

First of I give you props because you wrote mostly in dialogue and that's my personal favorite style to read/write and that you did it correctly!! I know you said in your A/N that you didn't really like introductions, I normally love introductions but it worked here because you were able to introduce almost everything as the chapter progressed. Even as I say that maybe when you talk about the girls add a little more information about them like what kind of a person Em is, why Evie makes fun of people. I kind of found that I got them mixed up because I just had a name to remember them by.

Hope this is what you were looking for

Happy Writing
lemonpeeps ox

Author's Response: Yay! I tend to write primarily in dialogue because when I don't, everything comes across awkward.. I'm glad I've done okay with it. *phew*

Thank you for your comments! My intention is to kind of define the OCs further in the next couple of chapters, and give some more insight. I think I'm going to be building up the setting and the characters and their relationships steadily, as I build up the plot.


 Report Review

Review #22, by DracoFerret11 In which there is honking

17th August 2011:
Hey there! Me again. :]

Well, this chapter was very long, haha. But I liked it quite a bit. I think it really kicks the plot off well.

I loved the characterization that you put in for all the Marauders, as well as Andy and Lily. It definitely seems like they're real people which is very important.

I'd still like to see some more descriptions. For instance, I wasn't even sure we were in the Gryffindor common room when Lily and Andy are writing their essays together. Until Andy was leaving, I thought they were in the library...

Good job on plot. I think you have a really solid story and I'm sure you're going to keep up the good work!

Well done!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Author's Response: Uh-oh, if you think this one is long... I'll keep an eye on the length from now on though - don't want to tire you all out ;)

These reviews have been hugely helpful; thank you! And I'll be sure to pay more attention to description (it's been pointed out to me a few times now that I tend to neglect that..) :D


 Report Review

Review #23, by fauxthefox In which there is honking

16th August 2011:
Oh dear. I love this.

I think I'd have given you a full 10/10 just for your paragraph on Peter and your description of Stephen as "the commitment ring type." And also James's line, "if he's corrupting your youthful spirit." But I'll go on.

We're finding out more about Andy as time goes on, which I like. "Not my scene" isn't the most 1970s-English phrase, though (as far as I know). Also, I don't think Purebloods like Sirius would know about preschool, but that's your call. You usually do a pretty good job of writing dialogue that's believable for the setting, though.

This is a little bit awkward: "I didnt stop to witness the effects or to have to yield a Shield Charm to repel retaliation jinxes but clambered out and jogged towards our arranged meeting space at increased speed." You might want to fix the "to have to yield a Shiled Charm" bit; it stumbles over itself.

Cheers for being imaginative and changing the dorm rules for the Ravenclaws. That was a believable twist.

Adding this to favorites; I'll definitely keep an eye on it. Feel free to request again if you'd like more reviews in the future!

Author's Response: You know, I hadn't even considered the preschool line - thank you for pointing that out! But after some thought I've decided that Sirius, coming from a privileged society, would be familiar with the concept, since I'm sure that some children from wizarding families did go to preschool! I'll also be sure to keep an eye on the language from now on, and I agree with you that the sentence you pointed out could use some simplification (:

Thank you! Will be sure to rerequest.


 Report Review

Review #24, by fauxthefox In which the force is disturbed

16th August 2011:
This is fauxthefox from the forums with your review!

You have a really great start here - there are just a few things that I think you can clean up and polish a bit. Overall, I really liked the atmosphere and the characters (especially Leah. She's bloody awesome). I think it's great that you haven't taken the cliche route and defined your characters with stereotypes ("the shy one," "the smart one," etc).

I think that you could use a bit more description - you don't have to go into a lot of detail into how characters or rooms look, and you don't have to describe them immediately as they're introduced, but I'd definitely suggest that you gradually give your readers a sense of their literary surroundings :)

Also, I hope you won't go to far with the "James asks Lily out every day and she viciously turns him down" thing, because it is a bit overused in fanfiction!

9/10, and on to the next chapter!

faux

Author's Response: I like Leah, too - in future scenes I've been including her in an enormous number of scenes and giving her all my favorite retorts :'D And I hadn't thought about the stereotyped character thing much, but I guess it's true and can probably be attributed to how I just think that people are more likely to be drawn to each other if they're similar. In each school clique, there is not a set role (the leader, the smart one, the shy one) that has to be filled, right? (:

Thanks so much for your advice, and I'll keep both of those points in mind. :D


 Report Review

Review #25, by DracoFerret11 In which the force is disturbed

16th August 2011:
Why hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here with your review!

Well, first off: I think you have wonderful characterization. Your OCs are very solid which is great. And the canon characters all seem very believable.

The plot seems like it will be very interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next. One thing that I always remind Marauder-era writers of is this: DON'T FORGET PETER. I know, it seems simple. But if you're going to have the Marauders in a story, you have to have all of them and you have to give them all equal credit, INCLUDING Peter. Bummer, I know. :]

I think a few more descriptions might be really helpful in fleshing out your story. For instance: we don't even know what Andy looks like...which isn't great.

Good job on most things, though. I can't really say I have anything to complain about. :]

On to chapter two!

--Emily

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the offer, and for the review, and for your comments - especially for reminding me of Peter's existence ;) Never fear, Peter will be included as much as the other Marauders! And I'll work on description; that's been pointed out to me a couple times now. (:

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>