Wow, Char. This was the most true to genre horror story I have read in fanfic in quite some time. I think you did a superb job with the second person, it really added to the air of unreality in poor Astoria's recollections since the reader is not sure, by the end, what was real and what parts of her memory may have been modified. It was actually very touching in some ways how the Malfoys did modify her memory after the attack, but I can see that having psychic repercussions far down the road.
Tiny technical notes: a few instances of "you're" being used in place of "your". A few of the sentences are a little bit long and could possibly use some splitting and / or use of semicolons to break the rhythm a bit. Then again, the longer phrases add to the breathlessness and panicked feeling, so it could be a stylistic choice.
You have the beginnings of a very scary and tragic multichapter here if you ever wished to continue! (I for one would like to see Astoria get revenge!) Great job and I hope you did really well in your challenge!Author's Response: Hi Mary, I feel very reassured on this point being fitting for the horror genre. I'm glad you were able to get connected to her. The Malfoys did have to modify her memory or just live with an insane Astoria.
I did edit out my 'your' and 'you'res' so I just have to get that posted. I don't know if I'll expand on this because, to be honest, I got pretty scared myself :P
I am not at all a fan of second person POV, so I find it slightly amusing that I seem to be reading a lot of these lately. I guess I've come to appreciate those who can write this point of view, and write it well. I do understand its use and find it works really well when writing something more intimate - in that way that you really want your reader to connect with your main character.
You've certainly done that here. I was so thoroughly creeped out, right along with Astoria. The anticipation, the dread, and fear, a chill running down my back. I was on edge the entire story.
And then, Pansy! I never saw it coming. I just..wow. That whole scene is just crazy intense, I don't even know. What a crazy witch. I was just so scared for Astoria at that moment, felt her fear and her fierce protectiveness towards her unborn child. I felt my heart break for her when Pansy used that curse, and gah, the description about her baby being ripped from her womb. Just wow, so vivid.
And then the ending! I didn't even see that coming at all either! Just her not really remembering, the nagging at the back of her mind, the feeling of her flat stomach and then thinking that there should be something there. Everyone treats Astoria like they're wearing kid gloves, so that's really interesting to see. She's obviously repressed some memories, but another part of me wonders how much of it was actually real. It's very intriguing the way you've written it, and I like that a lot.
I'm not really big into the whole horror genre, probably why I've avoided this story in the beginning. But your stories are actually some of the only horror fics I've ever read. I can't say that I'm still a fan, but when it's written really well, I love the grab and pull of it. How it sucks you in and is so gripping, it keeps you on the edge of your seat.
Oh, and the dialogue between Astoria and Pansy, just the words that Pansy used. It's very jarring, sharp - not in a bad way, just shocking, you know?
I'm still a little creeped out by this. I hope I won't have nightmares. I kind of want to go read something fluffy and happy now after this. Thanks a lot.Author's Response: I'm glad that you're branching out into the different POVs! It's really an interesting exercise.
I did mean to scare you so I'm kind of sorry and kind of not. I hope you didn't end up having any nightmares. The chilling effect is something I hoped to achieve so I'm smiling now because I can see my goal was accomplished.
I like leaving the ending to the reader's imagination. Not knowing if something happened or not is part of the pull, I think. Astoria has had something terrible happen to her and the family has done something to help the rest of her life be "easier" but not.
Thank you for this! :)
xChar Report Review
Woah, you can write some seriously dark stories. I thought "Lofticries" was dark, but this is even more intense. I think the use of second person definitely helped to emphasize an emotional closeness between the reader and Astoria. And that makes the action all the more shocking to the reader.
Seriously, Pansy is pure evil. I don't care how scorned she was--her reaction is insane. She sounds almost like a younger Bellatrix in how she responds and takes her revenge. Twisted, crazy, uncontrolled.
I think the ending is even sadder, because she is unable to remember what happened. That, either caused by a spell, or just repression, really draws the story to a more horrifying, if possible place.
Great job with the genre you were going for. This is definitely horror/dark. I'm impressed with your ability to write such intense pieces such as this one.Author's Response: Thanks! I enjoyed writing the 2nd person POV and I'm glad to hear it came off well. Pansy was just a character I felt would make sense to the situation and someone I didn't like at all from the books, thus she became my crazy villain.
As it is a horror story, there isn't any truly happy ending and so this is how it ended up being that way.
Thanks for your compliment!
xChar Report Review
Oh my gosh…I’m speechless. That was just…just amazing. I don’t have words to put to it. I wasn’t really sure where it was going when I first started. I was just like, okay, cool, a Draco/Astoria in second person. And then I got totally absorbed into it and things started happening and I’m in awe.
To start, the second person was fantastic! I have not read many stories in second person, but I find them entirely fascinating! It’s such a different view, being on the outside looking in and telling someone else’s story. But it also gives a different sense to the story. And the really impressive thing with this is, you don’t make it sound like someone is stalking Astoria to tell this story, but Astoria is being stalked, in a sense, by Pansy. And I don’t think there are necessarily too many you’s. At first it was a little distracting, but as soon as I got into the story, I didn’t really even notice them. So maybe see if there is a way to re-work the first paragraph or two? I’m not quite sure how, because I don’t know too much about second person, but that’s the most I can really suggest.
The next part I must mention is the end. You go from this horrifying scene, this scene in which Astoria even has problems recalling, to a point where Astoria seems lost. She has no idea where she is, why she feels so foreboding and why everyone is so kind towards her. Even me, myself, must wonder if something actually happened or not. I mean the blood stain? The shadows? *shivers* It gives me the creeps just thinking about it.
And that is good, that creepy feeling you gave. It just means your characterization of Astoria was spot on and strong. I felt like I was her, like I was struggling to remember something. It really was great!
And now I have a really small nitpicky thing, and another thing I noticed within the writing.
“Your decision made you run into your room next door and grab the first coat you can find before flying down the stairs to the front door, pulling your arms through the sleeves as you go.” –A comma is needed between made and you. Really small and nitpicky, but really, it is the only thing I really found grammar wise that needed fixing.
The next part is something plot wise I noticed. When Astoria is by the front door, you write this, “You raise your wand to unlock, blast, set fire to the door when it flies out of your grasp and an unwitting scream is torn from your throat.” Well, she goes from there, running into the kitchen to the back door. She realizes that door is locked too, leaving her with the killer. And that text there is, “You’re standing in your kitchen wandless, with two dead house elves and no one else in the house other than the killer.” You never mention her putting down her wand, or dropping it or anything.
Other than those things though, this really was great! I really enjoyed reading this. I’m happy I got the opportunity! Great Job!
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: (OMG, this is like the third time I've tried to leave a response to your review and it hasn't saved. If it seems short, it's because I've written the darn thing a few times.)
THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING THIS!!! I LOVE YOU!! You have actually been so helpful about this and I'm very grateful you took the time to do this.
All your lovely words and praise had me squeeing!
On the comma, can totally fix that. On the wand - Ă˘Â€ÂśYou raise your wand to unlock, blast, set fire to the door when [it] flies out of your grasp and an unwitting scream is torn from your throat.Ă˘Â€Âť - [it] refers to the wand. Hopefully that makes sense now.
It makes me feel so warm and gushy that you felt drawn into the story and that you loved the ending. That was a particularly (and yes, it is going to sound egotistical) brilliant move on my part and I enjoyed writing it.
Thank you again for this!
xChar Report Review
I'm not even kidding, you had me so entralled by the first paragraph, I kind of didn't what it to finish. If you wrote this as a novel I would love you forever lol ♥!! Also can I just say that, I knew it was going to be Pansy, she seems like the crazy stalkery type lol.
I'm not really used to reading second person, and I can't really write it myself but for your experiment of 2nd person you did a really good job.
I thought that this line describes pregancy so well and it was very unique way of putting it - 'to that the fact that your baby is making herself known in small fits against the walls of her confinement.'
Your pace was very good, you didn't rush to tell us who the person was, but you didn;'t drag it out for ages which is great. You made Astoria face her 'demon' head on, which I thought was very dignified of her, even though she was cowering inside. You still in a way gave her a sense of (pride? I'm not sure if that is the word that I am looking for but I hope you can understand what I mean :D ) 'You run your hands over your face, erasing as much as possible the tears you’ve just cried because if you’re going to be murdered, you’ll do it as a Malfoy and you’re not going to let some criminal have the satisfaction of seeing you broken.'
I thought it was sad that they had obliviated her afterwards, but I guess they thought it was for the best as she wouldn't have been able to handle what had actually happened to her. I would hope that she managed to find a sense of wholeness and that the sense of something was wrong, was not permanted.
I really adored this one-shot! I love a good dark story!
Silverstarletworld!!Author's Response: Wow! Thanks for this!! I'm so glad I could enthrall from the start :)
Yes, this experiment seems to have been pulled off well
I totally understand what you mean in terms of Astoria getting some backbone before she faced Pansy. I think "pride" is apt.
The oblivation was necessary for Astoria to be able to move on. And as we can see in the canon "epilogue" she did! She had a little boy we like to call "Scorpius"
Thanks so much for this lovely review! Report Review
First thing, I found this... just a little error...
All that’s there is a quiet arrangement of flowers on an antique side table.
Secondly - homg. This was like so horrific I wanted to cry a little. You perfectly got the whole creepy suspence and tension thing going. I was hypnotised a little bit, but it was also really horrible. Poor Astoria, poor poor Astoria. Bless her cotton socks.
The worst thing was the abortion spell. Eurgh, that was horrific. Honestly. That's so sad and horrid.
AND THEN WHAT A TWIST. She doesn't remember it D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D:
I loved the characterisation of Draco, btw. It was so good.
I loved it and the use of 2nd person was excellent - it worked really really well. Brilliant!
-ACAuthor's Response: Um still not quite catching the error...I looked a few times but maybe I'm just hungry...
Secondly! Yowz!! Sorry for horrific grossness and lack of care for people's intestines :P I'm glad that I was able to evoke the nature of Horror/Dark for you.
Yes! Twist! I'm all about twists! I'm like a pretzel.
Thank you on Draco's characterization. I do so like to characterize him.
Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
I like your story, and it is a good attempt on a 2nd person pov, But I think it would be better if it had been told in a 3rd person pov, the horror would have been more intense, But I really like it :)Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Wow. Just... wow. I honestly have no idea what to say, except that it's amazing. The second person works perfectly with this and everything is just so perfect - flow, characterisation, everything. So powerful.
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! :) I'm glad it seemed perfect to you! Report Review
I always think that second person lends itself well to horror/dark, and this was no exception. The narrative was so direct and moving because of the link you create with the reader through the POV choice. I find that's one of the most important writing techniques to consider when writing this genre, because there's a really delicate balance between too personal and too impersonal. You got that balance just right and that meant that every word was delivered perfectly through this narrative perspective.
You really bring Astoria's character to life - I feel like I know her just from the way she moves, how she holds herself and how she reacts to the unknown intruder in her house, where she presumably normally feels safe. The way she calls out to the house elves really reinforces the fact that she was brought up in a wealthy pureblood family, or at least it does to me. It's little things like that that really flesh out what we know from canon.
Your sentence construction is really superb - they're mostly short, which always does well for this genre but you mix the short and long so it's not repetitive. Every so often you include a stand-alone sentence, and I found those the most chilling, especially the last line. I get this sense of fear from her right up until the very end and the atmosphere is perfect.
One thing I noticed was that towards the beginning, all your paragraphs started off in the same format, which was a little repetitive. Try re-ordering the sentence and playing around with the structure to vary the paragraph structure a bit.
This was a really good piece. Thanks for entering my challenge, too :)
MarinaAuthor's Response: Wow, thanks so much for the detailed review!! You even slipped some cc in there without hurting my feelings :) (it's a problem of mine)
I'm glad that I subconsciously got all them little details right that brought out the character in the piece. I have to admit that I was a little pulled into her story as I was writing it. Had to write it in a very bright and busy place filled with friendly people.
I looked back at my first paragraph and could totally see what you were pointing out! I hate being redundant and repetitive (hee hee). I'll fix that!
Thanks so much for the well thought out review! And I loved entering your challenge--it got me to think outside my normal box :)
xChar Report Review
I have to admit, second-person POV is not my favorite: it always screams Choose-Your-Own-Adventure to me, and I just can't take it. This is a fine example of the second-person style, I just can't ever really say it's something I enjoyed. So, I'll just pretend it's saying "she" and then I can be happy ;)
Okay, I am totally sure this is going to be a slasher-film story; I want to hide like I do in scary bits of movies (I'm not a horror fan, what can I say). Horror is not my thing, and you are VERY good at writing it (which is good, I'm just easily scared). You did really well building up the suspense as Astoria walks through the house. Great job naming the house-elves too, those are totally believable names and that's actually pretty rare. Normally house-elf names annoy me.
Grammatical error: "you're baby will never" should be "your"
The end is so sad, I think it takes it past horror for me and leaves it full-on tragedy, that she's lost her baby and forgotten what happened. The end paragraphs are my favorite part of this story, it's so emotional: sad and tragic and impossibly horrible and she doesn't even know it, really. Very affecting.
And on a side note, I'm pretty sure I validated this, cause the bit about Pansy was really familiar.
WTM - RavenclawAuthor's Response: :P OK, I can have you pretending "you" is "she" since it got you through the story.
Thank you so much for saying I'm good at writing it! First time try here... Very happy I built up the suspense and that it was believable.
I find that naming house-elves is a specialty of mine :)
OK, I can fix that error.
The end was my favorite too. I felt so Alfred Hitchcock-ish writing it.
I've had the idea rattling around my head for awhile and wanted to do a short story but the horror/dark challenge came by and I somehow fit it into a one-shot!
::bows to the validator:: thank you so much!!
xChar Report Review
I came from the review thread in the Ravenclaw Common Room and wow! is all I can say about this one-shot.
I'm not going to lie to you, reading this, I was a little freaked out, but in the best way possible. You definitely made Horror/Dark work and that's not something everyone can say, but combined with second person, it's a real rarity. Both of them are two things very rarely tackled, but you wrote them both very well in their own right and I like how even after Astoria wakes and feels somewhat safe, she still has the overwhelming feeling of something being off but then the overwhelming desire to deny anything being wrong, which in the end overpowers the former.
This was great, very well-written. I'm definitely favoriting it.Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm both sorry and not for scaring you :)
I'm so happy it worked (horror/dark and second-person). Thank you so much! Report Review
Oh my God. Oh my God. -shivers- You said it was chilling and it most certainly was. Still trying to calm down after reading this - it had my heart racing. Holy Hippogriffs. Didn't help that I was home alone reading this... thanks a lot. :P heh. I jest.
(Although I am actually a little freaked out now. oops!)
You did a really great job with 2nd person, which I think can be tricky. It's sort of cool not knowing the character at first, but it was also good because I figured out that it was Astoria early on. Her characterization was great; you successfully showed the mother-to-be side of her and it was easy to feel her joy about her daughter. 2nd person was definitely the right choice for this piece, I think, and it really added something to the way it was read.
And you captured the essence of fear oh so perfectly. Dark/Horror challenge entry? Yeah, you've got the genre down. I repeat: holy Hippogriff. The paranoia was so real, so vivid, and I could actually feel my heart speeding up along with Astoria's. I could completely relate - I'm super paranoid when I'm staying home alone (for instance, our downstairs toilet randomly flushes. Do you know how scary it is to hear a toilet flush when you're the only one in the house?) and believe me, I was right there with Astoria.
You did a masterful job with the suspense. I could feel a sense of dread start to come over both me and Astoria, like when you realizd you're trapped and there's no way out. "Mind-numbing terror" is an apt description.
There were a few little grammatical things I noticed, really just mix-ups of you're and your. "...you're going to die and you're baby", for example, should be your baby instead. But honestly, those were just some little things and didn't get in the way of the reading experience at all.
Pansy is an evil bitch in this, and completely terrifying, too. People who have lost their minds and have nothing left to lose... those are the scariest. I swear my heart stopped when I heard her say that spell. And watching Astoria go crazy: my heart broke for her. This poor, poor woman. She didn't deserve any of this.
The icing on the cake was that ending, when she's had her memory wiped, but it's still haunting her... When she mentioned the whole flat stomach thing, that's when I realized what had happened. "You feel as if you've just escaped an impossible situation. And you have no idea why." What a strong, haunting note to end on. Oh, my God... gah.
Haunting seems to be the best way to describe the ending. Sort of surreal and terrifying in its own way, because to be lost in your own mind might be one of the scariest things of all...
This piece had a huge impact on me. I'm so glad I got to have the chance to read it. You've done a breathtakingly frightening job here. It's absolutely wonderful, really and truly.
Now I think I'm going to go lock the windows. yikes. Why did I read this home alone? haha :) Amazing job!
-Snapdragons (fellow Claw!)Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for reviewing this story and I'm sorry (sort of ) that you ended up a little freaked out :P Maybe I should add to the warning "DO NOT READ IF HOME ALONE" :)
Yes, I had some mix-ups of "Your" and "You're". I will have to fix that.
I'm very happy I was able to pull off the suspense and thriller aspect of the whole thing. It was something that I'd just sat down to write and pretty much did in one sitting but it was an idea that had been knocking around for a few days.
I'm very happy that I created an impact. I mean, that's basically what writing is all about, no?
Thank you very much for this review!!
xChar Report Review
This is Faux of fauxthefox's reviews on the forums! :)
First of all, I have to say...ohmyGod, the banner is so cool!!!
I love the second-person narration. It makes it so creepy and cool, as if someone's watching the subject...which I guess might be the point? :)
Your grammar is mostly good, but there are a few sentences that are slightly unclear, such as: "One of those dark flitting movements that you’re never too sure if it was your hair or if it was someone actually standing there." If I may be allowed to submit my humble opinion, you might rewrite that to something like "...moments in which you aren't sure if it was your hair, or if it was actually someone standing there."
Wow, evil-Pansy was so scary. 0.0 I love the atmosphere that you've created. You do a really good job of describing Pansy's emotions!
Thank God it was all a dream! Poor Astoria - why is her brain cooking these things up?! I love the cutesy little Draco/Astoria at the end. :)
Feel free to request another review! I really enjoyed this!
xoxo, fauxAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing! Yes I definitely love the banner.
I like what you put there for changing the sentence and I just might steal *ahem* use that.
Yes Pansy was certainly evil.
And it wasn't a dream. o.O
I was so glad you enjoyed this because when I took the time to read everything you wrote in your topic I saw you liked fluff! *hand to head*
xChar Report Review
Hi :) So I thought I'd checked this out, and OH MY GOD I'm so glad I did! This was so beautifully written, truly I think I'm in love with this POV. It's so refreshing. Moving on, your descriptions are superb, and I haven't read a good Draco/Astoria piece in a long time so I really enjoyed this ^^. Anyways, the piece as a whole was just breath taking. This has to be one of my favorite one-shots of all time! Wow... I envy your writing skills... bend or break and now this?!
Yup... so... I'm glad I checked out your other work :)
That's all (:Author's Response: Hey! There's something about 2nd POV and horror, huh? And one of your fave one-shots of all time? HOLY SMOKES! YAY!
*blush* Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
This is psychee from the forums, with the review you have requested. I'm sorry you had to wait so long for this review, I've just been incredibly busy as of late and had no time to leave this well-deserved review. Your story is lovely. I love your summary, it caught my eye as soon as I saw it. Your banner is breathtaking as well, very eye-catching and pretty. In my opinion, a good summary and a lovely banner are the things that matter the most to a reader, followed by the first chapter of a story. You seem to have these two aspects covered and I'll now move on to the third one.
Your story. I love the pairing, I was pleasantly surprised to realize that Astoria is actually the main character. I first thought this story to be a Draco/Original character story but I love the fact that you added Astoria to the mix. Ever since I've read the last chapter of Deathly Hallows, I've been looking for good Astoria/Draco stories but most of the stories I've found are Draco/Hermione ones, so I'm so glad that I had the opportunity to read your wonderful story.
Your description is breath-taking. I was holding my breath while I was reading this, wondering what will happen to her and who's in the house. I love the fact that you managed to involve the reader into the story - I could feel what Astoria was feeling, the fear, the paranoia. It's all so realistic and your choice of words is beautiful. You explained every aspect of her paranoia, you even gave the reader an insight into her and Draco's relationship and I especially loved the ending - they obliviated her, didn't they? Made her forget about her lost child, fearing her going mad if she were to have that memory. Also, Pansy was quite a surprise but it makes perfect sense for it to be her that wants to harm Astoria. I'm curious as to Draco's reaction to everything. Perhaps you could write another one shot or even a longer story about Draco and Astoria. I would love to read it, if you were to write one.
If you do, feel free to PM me with a link once it has been posted. :)
I've got no complaints, I simply loved this story and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to read such a wonderful story. It's one of my favorites!
Good luck with your future stories.
-psycheeAuthor's Response: WOW! Thanks so much for this review!!! Such awesome words for a writer to hear (as I'm sure you are well aware of) :)
Yeah, banners and summaries are sometimes hit-and-miss with me so I'm glad to have nailed this!
I have the same thought about Draco/Astoria--not many stories about them that I've seen that I've particularly liked. For some reason, I see more Astoria/Pansy ones, which is just weird to me.
You got the story nailed! I couldn't go into much detail on it in the story obviously (just because of the POV I was taking). I'm sure that you, knowing Lucius, would guess why that was the route taken.
I'll think about writing a Draco version. I really like how this story left it open for the reader to put together and I'm not ready to break that trust yet :P
Thank you so much (again) for the review!!!
xChar Report Review
Wow!!! Breathtaking, absolutely breathtaking. You had me completely on the edge of my seat and I couldn't tear my eyes away form the story, I had to know what was haunting her and you had me gripped from the very first paragraph.
the 2nd person narrative worked really well for this story. It was like you were there but also slightly detached from the whole thing. You could sense all of Astoria's fear and really get into her character, but it was like you were watching her form a distance rather than seeing it from her eyes. All her emotions were incredibly vivid and I could almost feel the shadows creeping up behind me.
The tension through the story was brilliant. It slowly built, layering mystery and suspense and fear upon each other until the final threat was revealed. What Pansy did was so horrible, no wonder it drove Astoria mad.
I love the last scene with Draco and how Astoria was sensing another time and place but yet couldn't quite place it. I knew you weren't going to end with the 'she woke up and it was all a dream' crime. It left the story with the lasting mystery of what happened between Pansy and Astoria and what is the full extent of the cover up by the Malfoys.
The story was beautifully written and I kind of felt like I was in the house with her and feeling her fear and then her pain and blinding rage. Grammar and spelling were really good, as was the imagery you created with you well crafted sentences and use of descriptive terms. Absolutely A-Maze-Ing!!!Author's Response: I'm glad you were gripped! I was hesitant as it's my first 2nd POV but it seems to have worked!
I would never do the "she woke up and it was all a dream"! How cliche can we get? Besides, we have all this magic at our disposal, let's use it!
Thank you so much for this great review! Report Review
*NINJA STALKER POUNCE!* Did I scare you? Because I am afraid that this one-shot is going to scare me. Horror/Dark challenge. Yeesh. I have a feeling that I’m going to need some cocoa. And a hug. Possibly some therapy. Excuse me, I’m going to go to the bathroom and get a munchie before I attempt this. *tiptoes away*
Okay! One For a Challenge Review Sandwich with extra general feedback sauce coming up!
Title: 10/10 It’s an allusion! And Foreshadowing! And Scary! Whooo!
Summary: 10/10. Wow. I literally shivered (partly because I’m going through all of this so slowly and thinking about it way too hard. Lol.)Okay. So this is going to be about murder by said scorned woman. In second person. Holy Crow, I am excited to read this.
Graphics: 10/10 Are scary. The end. ;)
Comments (as I read): Oh. Did I mention that it’s very dark here? And I am alone? Gosh, this is already scary.
“HELL HATH NO FURY.”
-Yikes. I like that you put that there. It’s like a warning, or something. Anyway…
“You can feel the goose bumps on your skin, see the little hairs of the back of your hand standing up, feel a prickling on the back of your neck.”
-Gosh. So this is going to be from the victims POV? Ouch. And she’s pregnant. And alone. Slappings for Draco.
“Seeing that there’s nothing there, you expel the breath you just realized you were holding.”
-Suspense! Gosh, this is intense.
“the fingers of anxiety that trace your spine.”
-Ooooh. Beautiful words! You get a million bonus points. When I looked at this at first, I was worried that it would fall short of what was advertised. I was wrong. It has exceeded my expectations already. Amazing job so far.
“There is no moon tonight.”
-For some reason, that line struck me. It’s oddly foreboding for such an innocent statement.
“It’s during one of these moments when you’re not quite asleep but you’re also not really awake when you sense someone is watching you.”
-It’s moments like these that explain my love/hate relationship with horror movies. Gah!
“your back towards the window and that presence is behind you, standing at the edge of the bed.”
-This made me cringe. I’m going to have to stay up watching fluffily fluffy cartoons for a while before I can sleep.
“And find you are about to cast a spell at your own reflection in the glass of your window.”
-Gah! Dang it, I knew that was going to happen. Murderer, you are a ninja. *headdesk*
“You wake up to warm sunlight filtering through your eyelids and an almost-silent double knock on your door.”
-Oh, no. This is going to be a multiple night thing, isn’t it? I’m terrified and thrilled.
“There is no reply.”
-Yeesh! Are you going to attack in broad daylight, Murderer? Have you no shame? And, I am forcefully reminded of why all people in horror movies are dumb, even though your character hasn’t done anything extremely stupid. Yet.
“You don’t know what’s happening to you but you just know that you have to get out of the house,”
-Oh, no. Have you seen the Strangers? I am getting flashbacks. This is normally where I’d be funny and chastize Murderer (it’s her name, now) for breaking things…but I’m to freaked out. *Yipe*
“Your hand closes around the handle of the front door and you’re almost elated at the thought of freedom but as you pull, the door refuses to budge.”
-Murderer! How canny of you! (That was a feeble attempt at my normal wit. I am scawered). Yikes. I am having sympathy freak-outs over here!
“there is nothing and no one but you and your gasping breaths and the loud and innate reaction to run.”
-Eek! This is like Jaws, where the movie was made better because the shark was not always present when they originally wanted (due to mechanical problems). Murderer, you are scary.
“Your two loyal house elves are dead, their blood running green against the white tile.”
-*whimper* At seeing that this is half over, I am torn between terror and fascination toward how you are going to allow this to carry on that much longer. Must read more now!
“And you have no way out.”
-Argh! Askdjfhakwhjdf! I am scared. And vaguely incoherent!
“though it says your name with sweetness, there’s an edge of negativity to it, like the bitter bite of vinegar.”
-Good description. I can picture all of this so vividly. You rock. And you scare me.
-This is normally when I announce I KNEW IT!!…but I didn’t. I was too caught up to attempt to deduce this one. It probably wouldn’t have been the most difficult game of ‘Who Dunnit?’, though, so I forgive myself. ;)
““Merlin, how I hate you. Panting after Draco, stealing him away, impregnating yourself.”
-Hmmm. Entitlement issues, much? *ahem* Pansy=A few fruits short of a loop.
“You realize you’ve been staring at her in morbid fascination as she’s delivered her monologue and you remember that you left your bedroom window open a crack this morning and that maybe, just maybe, you could escape through it.”
From one Stalker to another: You were the best Creepy Stalker Ever…until you actually got screen time, then you were scary in more of a pathetic, ‘Oh, it‘s *you*, *You* Are Crazy!’ Kind of way. That doesn’t give you much street cred, dear.
P.S After reading further, you suck at life. A wounded wandless person just dropped you. Your street cred is in the toilet, madam.
-And the monologue? Awesome. All villains deserve a monologue.
Okay! This review is officially too long to fit withing the required word count. I shall send you the rest in a PM.
To Be Continued *dun dun dun*,
10/10Author's Response: Lucky!!! *holds trophy up* for LONGEST and LMAO-FUNNIEST review EVER! You are some crazy, caffeine-injected reviewer, you are!!!
Everything you wrote in this review (and your PM, which I unfortunately got to read through only ONE time due to site issues and time travel and a lack of a TARDIS to correct such errors *weeps*) was just what I needed--several times over in fact. I've been having a rough couple of weeks and I seriously just come back to this review and laugh my head off.
I am evilly happy that I scared the shitake mushrooms out of you!!! Mwahahahaha! At least that means that I created the effect I wanted to. *stands in dark lair and laughs madly while stroking a fluffy and fat kitty*
Yeah, once Pansy got some face time she turned into a crazy loop whereas prior to getting onscreen she was scary as the photo on my banner! I loved how you described how she lost her street cred--completely!
(I loved her monologue. All villains want and need a monologue, it's true.)
P.S. I'm going to get to your own review FYI so no wuckers there!
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They say? Specifically, William Congreve said. From the play "The Mourning Bride" --- never read it, but I do know it's usually attributed to Shakespeare.
Onto the review! First, I must be honest. I dislike second person as a POV, but I understand that it has its merits and things of the sort. It's the notion of distortion that must be the appeal. The idea that you must make a conscious decision to take yourself out of the story, because the narration actually throws you into it, but it is not you---and so on and so on. That's the appeal, that's got to be why writers choose this POV. To create a link between the story and the reader, extremely artificial, but at the same moment completely natural (since we are not the you literally).
The story itself is firm. It's quality. From the early paragraphs onward I'm interested in who this woman is and what might happen. Fury? It's such a peaceful and serene scene in the beginning, and we are in the middle of it. I feel calmer, but, to be frank, I'm a man, so the idea of me being the one who is pregnant is, again, a little disconcerting---but that's what's to love about this POV. A story is being told to us about us. What wonder!
Halfway through (whereabouts) I feel like I'm in a mystery! But I am... well, I'm not---she is; this woman. I'm nervous!... Onto the rest...
How horrifying. I must say that is quite the scene. Horribly dramatic too, but I assume an abortion through curse (I feel the incantation is adequate but possibly unimaginative), you've captured my attention with that whole ordeal. I feel it is intensely difficult to do what you did in the second part, get us to understand that it was not a dream yet have the character version of us (the 'you') mosey about thinking that things were no different than they usually were.
I liked this piece. It was a fun read and I am encouraged that you requested me. Overall, the story was horror/dark and in first person. I had to like and care for the character because, well, I was the character. The closeness of the characters to canon, however, caused me not to care all that much about what happened, but from a story standpoint, again, I enjoyed reading it.
BinxAuthor's Response: Yeah, never knew where the quote came from, just always heard it around so "They" fit quite nicely for me.
I have to agree with you about the 2nd person POV at times. Before I embarked on this endeavour I looked around a bit and found that your viewpoint on the downside of 2nd person is a prevalent one.
I think that 2nd person can hold for a one shot. I don't know if I'd be able to read a whole novel set like that. The only book that I'd read like that were the "Goosebumps" books of my childhood.
Hey, sorry about you not being able to connect with being pregnant :P
Yay! Things are mysterious for you and it got horrifying. Yeah, it may have been an unimaginative spell but I wanted it to communicate and I was in a rush. So there.
Whew. After reading through some of the review, I wasn't sure what your overall opinion would be. Glad you liked it and understood on the canonness of the the characters. That's one of the things I liked about this though; the fact that I could slip it in between Chapter 36 and the Epilogue and still have it come off.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review this!
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Wow, I kind of loved this. I think second POV was the perfect choice for this story. It really pulled the reader in and heightened the sense of suspense and fear. I could feel my heart begin to speed up when Astoria was trying to get out of the house and then found the house elves. :( Poor house elves.
The descriptions were absolutely beautiful. I liked that the scene with Astoria and Pansy was a little vague. There was enough to let us know what was going on (and you didn't try to use ridiculous flowery language) but not too much to make it seem gory and over the top. I don't know if that made sense, but I mean it as a compliment :P
I love the ending. Her childlike reliance on Draco, the haunting reminders of what has happened, but her inability to make connections. It was just amazing. Totally and completely loved it.Author's Response: This was such a lovely review to read. I get a thrill reading how something I wrote actually CREATES a reaction in someone else!!! There must be something about being able to affect someone!
Yeah, didn't want to make it gory but also because it was supposed to have been told from "your" point of view, I don't think "you" would be thinking all this flowery gobblety-gook while you were being destroyed.
I hadn't thought of it as childlike reliance and when you wrote that I had to go back and look at that part. Such an apt description!
Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
(And yes, I could've just said damn but daayum fits this so much better.)
That was really creepy- in a good way, as this was written for the Horror and Dark Challenge. I actually didn't mind the use of second person- I don't think first or third would've had quite the same effect.
It was wonderfully twisted and dark and I loved it. You could've done a bit more foreshadowing - the vase and the thing in bed was awesome, but when Astoria just had to get out of the house, it took me by surprise. Though when she was rushing towards the back door, with the two house-elves there, I was feeling exactly the same sense of dread and fear as Astoria.
I /loved/ that Draco erased her memory- it just added to how perfect it was. Because really, there's not much else to do in that situation. Well done.Author's Response: LOL. Ah. You made me laugh.
I'm glad it was creepy. I actually LOVE that it was creepy.
I probably could've done more foreshadowing but now that it's done and written, the thrill of it is gone...*sigh* I'll have to write another one to get the art fully down.
Yay for loving the ending!!
Thank you so much for this great review!! Report Review
Wow, this was amazing! I normally find second person POV really distracting and hard to read, but this wasn't like that at all. The second person really worked in your favor and added a lot of emotion to the story. It put me in Astoria's shoes, so I really felt what she was feeling.
The story itself was also great. I loved the idea, even if it was morbid in some ways. The descriptions in this were beautifully terrifying, if that makes any sense whatsoever XD It was a great read and I really enjoyed it!
Just one thing: You mixed up "your" and "you're" every now and then. Very minor, and since there were so many of them, it's only natural, that some would be switched.
Other than that, an excellent story! Good luck with the challenge, because this is an excellent entry!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: I'm so happy it wasn't distracting at all!! I was a little worried because someone else who'd read it gave me a lot of flack for the "you" and "your" etc etc. I know that I prob mixed up "you're" and "your" at least a few times even though I read this story through a gajillion times.
Loved that you thought the story was great and I love the term "beautifully terrifying"!!
Thank you for reviewing!!
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