Well I'm glad that it's not just me that sees that there is something amiss here! I'm glad I have James and Remus on my side, and I'm totally with Remus, I think there is something very weird about this girl. I dislike her entirely. Especially the way that she is trying to dig into his past, about his family and his brothers. What on earth is going on with this creepy girl!
I especially don't like that no one has seen her before and yet she's just hanging in with the school. I wonder if the administration knows anything about her, to be honest. It might be hard since classes haven't been going on but surely they've noticed that there's this extra girl? Although she does say in the last chapter that she has a class with them but I don't know if I believe her.
I don't believe anything she says!
Again, like I said in my last review I think you've done a great job building intrigue around her, and I think you've also made a great job of making her completely unlikable. Clearly Sirius is under her spell, but I think to everyone else there is an air of danger around her and you write that very well.
I think that the flow is good and it of course leaves me wanting more because I want to know what the heck is going on with this creepy purple eyed girl.
Marvelous job, and Merry Christmas!
Slytherin Secret Santa 2012 Report Review
ok before I ever read this chapter I have to say: your chapter image is so creepy :P I was just looking at something, not paying attention and then I was like WAIT. Did that CI just look at me?!
Ok so I've just finished the chapter and I've got to say, I do not like this annabel character. To me, it just sees like there is something off about her. She is creepy. Sirius is following her almost like a lost puppy dog, almost like he can't remember what he's supposed to be doing.
I like that you started the chapter off with a little bit of marauder issues over Lily because I feel like they are always so close in so many stories, and here you've given a little bit of drama between them over Lily. I find it very interesting that she took off after Sirius when she was in the hospital wing, and it makes me a little nervous as to what her intentions were.
All I know is that I don't like what's happening here and I just want to scream out to Sirius STOP IT. hahaha!
And these purple eyes, I don't know what to think about those haha.
Great second chapter, you're really building the mystery and the suspense well and it makes for a very exciting story! :)
Slytherin Secret Santa Report Review
I really like the way this story starts out with the description of the snow, and how great it was until he realized it was blood he was looking at. That was very cool, and I liked the way that you jumped right into the mystery/action of finding this person who was bleeding so severely everywhere.
I also liked the way that you didn't reveal right away that the narrator was Sirius. For some reason I thought that the narrator was a girl at first so it was a pleasant surprise to see that it was Sirius.
And this poor girl who seems to be bleeding horrible. She seems to have her head about her, which is good. I would think that if someone was chasing her and hurt her that badly that she might be a little more afraid, so that makes me wonder if there is something a little fishy about her to be honest. Especially since Sirius had never really noticed her before and it's not generally like Sirius not to notice a pretty girl :P
But she seemed to get back to the infirmary alright, and Sirius certainly seemed bewitched by her. But I'm definitely detecting something a little odd about this girl.
Great first chapter, love the descriptions of his fear as he is in the forest and I thought you could really feel his overall confusion throughout this chapter.
Slytherin Secret Santa 2012 Report Review
So I think that this chapter does a great job of setting up your story, it creates interest, wondering who the girl really is, and if the fact that she has purple eyes should be a tipoff about something. I could feel the bit of suspense in the beginning with him wandering around and following this path of blood and then the fear that ran through him as he tripped. My one suggestion to make this chapter even better than what it already is (which it is good), would be to add in more description. You do a good job with it as he wanders through the forest but than once we get to her we know nothing until the end of the chapter when you say that she has purple eyes. How did she appear to him when he first saw her? Adding in more description here and there would really help. Other than that though, I thought this was a great first chapter! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Hi, it's Molly from the forums, here with your requested review. First let me apologize for the delay. Secondly, in your request you said that this chapter was your primary concern so this is one I'll be addressing, so if anything I say in my review has been covered in the previous chapters, well, I apologize for that too.
Anyway! I will say that this has intrigued me. I'm very curious about this Annabel character - there's something off about her, that's for certain. What it is, I can't quite say, all I know is that it's a little unsettling how completely fascinated she is with Sirius. The Marauders are right to worry after their friend.
Talking of the Marauders, I thought you handle their characterizations pretty well. Some of the traits we know about them were a little over exaggerated - such as Remus being such a big bookworm and James being oh so in love with Lily - but it didn't detract from the chapter. What little we saw of them was nice and their willingness to do whatever they can for their friend was very in character to me.
From what I've seen, there were not many grammatical mistakes. The only one that stuck out to me was this:
...You’re family, and you, Sirius, are so much more interesting.”
Instead of 'you are' it should be 'your'. Other than that small mistake, which was more likely a typo than anything else, I didn't see any glaring mistakes.
Overall, I think you did a really good job with this chapter. And for someone who hasn't read the first two, I feel like I have at the very least a good grasp at the characters and the plot.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Hello! I'm True Author with your requested review! =]
I must say you have a really interesting plot. The first chapter is breathtaking from the very first paragraph; I mean I was so shocked when you mentioned "red snow". I thought it was a mistake, but then I realised what it was, so just forget this. ;) it's just my silly mistake. The point is, this causes a sudden effect on the reader.
The way you have created the background of your story, without even describing Sirius is brilliant. The mysterious night, the fear rising in Sirius's mind, the scenery, the blood trail everything is just perfect. I must say you're a great describer. ;)
Still, Annabel needs some work. If Sirius says, "I couldn't hurt anyone as pretty as you,", when he never paid much attention to girls according to JKR; you must just describe how did she look when Sirius saw her. You're writing from his PoV, and I think he must've told how pretty she looked. Don't you think so?
Otherwise, you have a good plot and writing style, so go ahead! =]Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Congratulations on the baby! Aww thats awesome.
Ahh! So I'm assuming this is the part where you said you haven't written in a year. Because of the baby and all? Hehe sorry for not understanding that in earlier chapters.
But yes I went on to the third chapter. I couldn't resist the temptation. It's pretty short but it does add some little fillers.
There is definitely something wrong with all of this &I'm determined to find out haha. I'm glad his friends can see that there is something awry. &Are going to try to fix it. Though I can see that going hilariously wrong.
I really wonder what's going to happen when school starts back up? That's going to be interesting to see.
You're a wonderful writer hun, don't give up! You've got a great story on your hands. I'd love to see what happens next so do let me know when you've posted the next chapter =)Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Okay. This story is getting more and more interesting as I go on. Is Annabel not human? Per se. Or is she even a student?
I'm so intrigued right now. She didn't actually go see Madame Pomfrey but I'm assuming she is healed. In the woods she paused when she asked is he was a student. And he's never seen her before in the castle and yet she's so mesmerizing. Also the bit where she sensed him behind her. Gah!
Also there was one little bit that stuck out. Where you said "Let me as you a question" It should be "ask" instead of as. =)
You've got me hooked! Hun, you've really done an amazing job so far. I love mysteries and you've done a good job of that so far. &I take back what I said about Sirius. I like seeing the effect she has on him. It really shows a lot!
I wish I could expand some more about what I thought but I'm kind of at a loss for words. I just want to know who Annabel is!
Keep it up!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Hey hun, sorry for the bit of delay here.
But I've got to say I sympathize with you about not writing in so long. My story is still kind of on hiatus. So kudos to you for coming back and writing again.
I can tell you are a very experienced and talented writer though. I loved your descriptions in this chapter. It felt as though you were watching Sirius follow the trail of blood into the forest. Very suspenseful.
I was half expecting something to jump out on him. I do wonder what happened to Annabel and why Sirius was out so late by himself lol.
As far as grammar and things, nothing caught my eye. The only thing that got to me a bit was how demure Sirius was. I would expect him to be more confident in that situation. Other than that this was a great first chapter.
You did a good job. I don't think you have to worry about being out of touch!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Hey there, I'm here with your requested review. :)
First off, I really like your descriptions. You've done well with the dark settings of the cold snow in the forest - so well in fact, that I'm starting to feel a bit chilly in my well-heated room. Seriously. Your descriptions are short but effective. Well done. You're definitely not out of shape in your writing skills.
Plus, it helps to create a lot of mystery surrounding your characters; how did they get here? Poor Annabel. That can't have been a fun night.
The only thing that I'm not too sure about is your characterisation of Sirius. He seems a lot more quiet and introspective here than he appears in canon (and in fanon, for that matter). In fact, if I were to attempt to guess who the narrator is, I'd probably guess Remus.
That said, I'm willing to chalk it up to the fact that it's the middle of the night and he's far too tired to be the crazed ball of energy that is Sirius Black. :P
You've also got a few misplaced apostrophes and full stops, so you may want to double-check that or get it beta read.
Anyway, this is a good start, and I hope this goes well for you. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Hello! This is SapphireatDawn from the forums with your review!
I think that you’ve got a fairly good base to work on, here. You’ve got a good vocabulary and a good grasp on spelling and punctuation, though I did question your word choice at times... things like ‘layers upon layers of clothing’ should be ‘layer upon layer’, using ‘farther’ instead of ‘further’, and sometimes your word choices were a little bland, which leads me onto my next point.
I think you need a little more descriptive emotion in this. Things that connect the reader to the scenery and inspires a little more excitement, for example here:
‘It was blood, and there was a lot of it leading straight into the Forbidden Forest, along with a set of footprints.’
It’s all very blandly stated with phrases like, ‘there was a lot of it’. Try coming up with something a little more interesting than ‘a lot’.
It’s interesting that your main character turns out to be Sirius, because a lot of my notes while reading this say things like, ‘why didn’t she do this’? Until you mentioned his name, I did think the character was female. Sirius appears fairly frequently in canon and has quite a recognisable character, but I couldn’t really connect this character with the one I read about in the books. You make attempts, for example the fact that he follows the blood trail, but it doesn’t really go far enough. Yes, I really can believe that Sirius might want to follow the trail of blood, but your explanation of him just being curious doesn’t go far enough. Perhaps if you mentioned his name earlier in the text, it might lend itself to explanation. This way, you could have mentioned why he was out of the castle (practicing Animagus transformations, perhaps?) and other ties to canon, such as his friends. Where are they at this moment? Will they miss him if he goes off?
So, onto your OC. We don’t really see much of her in this for me to make an informed analysis of her, so really she’s like a blank slate here. What I am a little wary about is the mention of her unusual coloured eyes. Be wary of falling into the Mary-Sue trap here! I have to add at this point about the amount of blood she appears to have lost not really matching up to her state of alert. If someone is bleeding that badly, if it’s enough for someone to notice, not just drops of blood, but that snow is red, they’re going to be in no fit state to make small talk. They’re definitely not going to be able to climb a tree or walk back to the castle unaided. I also think it’s horrifically shallow and insensitive of Sirius to be hitting on her when she’s in such a weakened state, and I do think that his attraction seems to have come out of nowhere. At that point, and in that scenario, I wasn’t really a fan of the romance. It felt very superficial that at a very serious moment that characters start noticing how attractive each other is.
But while I think you do need to work on this, it should be fairly easy to fix and, like I said before, you’ve got a good base for improvement. Work on your word choices and expanding your description and you’ll be improving in next to no time.Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. :)
You seem to have a good story that's off to a great start here. You really did begin the entire thing very well. I enjoyed your descriptions of the snow outside and the entire evening.
You really did a good job with your descriptions of things. In everything within this first chapter, the way you structured your sentences and the words you chose gave off a real magical or whimsical feeling I should say. I had a good vibe while reading just by the way you structured everything. If that makes sense. :D
So well done with that!
I like Annabel's character. She seems very sweet and kind, and I like that this is the kind of girl Sirius has crossed paths with. I also think you have done a fine job with his character. He doesn't seem too cocky in the way so many people over write him, and he doesn't seem too much of anything. He seems like a wonderful Sirius Black who also has a soft side, a side we knew he had but people tend to forget. You did a great job with this.
Excellent opening chapter. I can't wait to see where you take this. :)
DrueAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Hello! This is psychee from the forum, leaving you the requested review. :) I'm so sorry it took so long, I've been incredibly busy lately and didn't get the chance to read and review this story sooner.
Your banner is lovely and I really really like the chapter image of this second chapter - Taylor Swift opening her eyes is a very nice touch. I haven't seen a similar chapter image yet, so you're very original.
The things I liked - The fact that it's written from Sirius's point of view. For me, it's easier to write from the girl's perspective, because I find it hard to put myself in a boy's position. I admire every writer that manages to write a boy's point of view so realistically. It's also refreshing to see the whole story through Sirius's eyes, and not the girl's. However, to get the chance to understand your original character better, reading things through her eyes once in a while would be quite nice as well.
Apart from this, I like your dialogue and description - the dialogue flows well and is realistic, the description manages to paint a clear picture of your characters and of this world. I didn't notice any grammar/spelling/punctuation mistakes, apart from a few words that lacked letters, but that's just a typing mistake.
What I didn't like: This actually comes from my preference - I always thought that romance stories that have more of a build-up are more realistic and more.. epic. I like stories that take everything slowly, where the characters fall in love with each other's personalities and have the chance to interact for at least a few chapters before either one of them shows a romantic interest in the other. Sirius is smitten with this girl and for me, it seemed a little unrealistic and rushed. I love Sirius as a character and it seems unlike Sirius to rush into things. Also, wouldn't he have noticed Annabel before if she's so beautiful? He's seen her once and he's already smitten with her. However, I feel the need to stress out the fact that this is just a personal liking of mine. It isn't a flaw of the story or anything similar and there are a lot of readers that like to read stories about love at first sight. I just like the more realistic romance stories. Also, I'm not saying that you can't be smitten with someone without even knowing him/her, especially when you're a hormone-driven teenager. I'm just saying that I would have liked to see more of a build-up.
However, you are only two chapters into the story and there is a lot of room for more exploring and character development. Your story holds a lot of promise and I enjoyed reading it. I wish you good luck with your future chapters.
-psycheeAuthor's Response: This isn't so much a romance novel as it is a mystery novel. The OC, Annabel, isn't what Sirius thinks she is. I tried to subtly add that in, but I might have to go back and make it clearer. In fact, I think it's safe to say that Annabel isn't a student at all. She says she is... but you can't always believe what people say. ;)
So there's a reason why Sirius has never seen her before, and why he's so taken with her all of a sudden.
Just thought I needed to explain that. :)
Thank you for taking the time to review! I really appreciate it! Report Review
Okay, first things first...your chapter image is AWESOME. And giving me nightmares. Who knew purple, animated eyes could be so freaky?
Moving right along, the mystery in this story is really drawing me in. I don't trust Annabel one little bit. She's sneaky, she's sly, she's powerful...frankly, I'm still supporting the theory that she's not a student at all, but some kind of imposter. I retract my initial view that she cast some spell on Sirius though. It seems like whatever power she has over him works all the time, so probably not a Confundus charm or the effects of legilimens...
I really don't have many suggestions, I think this chapter is just about perfect. Don't worry for a second about making Sirius more believable--you've done a great job with him. We're catching him at an unusual moment, when he's all confused and tangled up because of Anabel, and I think you capture his dazed state perfectly. You also do an excellent job of having him and his friends compare him to his "normal" self, so reader has a pretty clear idea about what he's like the majority of the time too.
My final point is that I'm curious about your little subplot of Sirius having a crush on Lily. It's a great detail that adds a lot of depth and realism to Sirius' interactions with his friends.
Looking forward to the next chapter! Again, please rerequest!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Haha, I had a lot of fun making that image! I'm glad I've got such a positive feedback on it!
I like hearing your theories. I actually haven't worked out that part yet. I have a couple ways I could go with her character. I'll probably make a last minute decision when I get to that point. :P
Thank you for the review, once again! I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hi, WeasleyTwins here with your review as requested.
You mentioned in your request that it's been over a year since you've written anything, yes? I can tell that you are an experienced writer or have written in the past. You've given a nice mix of dialogue and description. But I have to wonder if you've tried to rush yourself a little bit. I know what it's like to come back to writing and feel the need to put something out there. Anyway. Your description is great. With such good description, readers need more, more! There is such great potential with the description throughout the piece. I'm talking about sensory details [sight, sound, taste, touch, smell]. The emotional descriptions/inner dialogue is spot-on. At the very beginning, I was actually hoping you would describe the coppery smell of the blood. It seemed that you were well on your way to several amazing sentences of description, but you began to move through the scene quickly.
I would like to also comment on your characterization of Sirius. I like the take you've got on him. However, I have a small suggestion. From what we see in canon, Sirius could be considered 'manly.' Not overly so, where he's got bulging muscles and he's 6'5, but I would say he would be a bit more...confident. There are canon descriptions of his confidence and haughty attitude. I picture him with a bit of confidence in his outwardly persona. I really think just a tad bit of cockiness would solidify your characterization of him.
As to your grammar, I did see a few mistakes here and there. They aren't easily noticeable unless you've got a trained eye. I would suggest an experienced beta who is perhaps an English major [or just plain awesome].
You're well on your way to a good fic here. Please feel free to re-request anytime!
ShelbyAuthor's Response: I try not to rush! But I get so antsy. :P
I'll have to go back and look at my description and add to it. :)
I think Sirius (and all male character, for that matter) like to put more of show on. They're confident on the outside, but I was trying to show what was really happening on the inside. It was sort of an odd situation for him, something he wasn't really expecting. I'll have to go back and really try to solidify that part!
I'm too proud for a beta. :P Or maybe I'm just too lazy to find one. Ah well!
Thank you for the lengthy review! Very helpful! Report Review
Oh! A very intriguing opening chapter!
You're description of everything is lovely, and makes it quite easy for a reader to get a clear picture of the scene you're setting. ^^ I have to admit I didn't realize it was Sirius until he gave her his name!
I like how they've met, and I am definitely interested in who hurt her and why. You seem to be heading in a good, right direction! You've set up a good plot, with an interesting OC and loads to do with why she was hurt, by who, etc. It's an excellent start.
-CaitiAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you! :D
I always fear that I'm either too descriptive or too vague, so I'm glad to hear that it gives the reader a clear image!
Thanks again! I really love to hear feedback like this! Report Review
This is soo sweet. I just love the way you have written Sirus. He is my favourite marauder and I am just so glad you managed to write him this good. I must admit I have never really liked the James/Lily/Sirius thing, but it worked here. I also love the way you describe the feeling that Sirius have, and I loved the part where Remus is talking to Sirius. He just acts all suspicious and it was funny. I could imagine that happening. I also love how Pettigrew is almost invisible. I mean, I hardly remember him after this chapter, and that is funny. Its just how I would have imagined it to be. Good job :)Author's Response: I'm so glad I'm not completely butchering this story! :D Thank you for reviewing! I so so so appreciate it!
Keep a look out for the next one, I plan on posting it very soon! :)
Hello! wenderbender from the forums with your requested review.
Okay, so my first thought after reading your author's note: thank goodness I'm not the only one who starts writing without a plan! Your opening is very catchy. I was interested right from the get-go, and I was surprised that Sirius was the main character (for some reason I thought it was a female OC...). It threw me off balance, which is a good thing to do to your readers...keeps us on our toes, and no one likes a lazy reader!
You have a great talent for description. I especially liked your description of the cold as "suffocating." I had never thought of cold that way, but after reading your description, I completely agree! When it's really cold, it's harder to breath for some reason. I also liked that you didn't provide a full description of the girl in one big paragraph. You dropped hints here and there, a much more subtle and interesting way of describing a character.
The one thing that bothered me was the fact that the girl didn't seem too pained by her stomach wound. Given the amount of blood on the ground, it seemed to me that the injury must've been more than superficial...and if so, things like walking without help more than a few feet and climbing a tree would be simply impossible. Perhaps while running away from an attacker, the adrenaline would do the trick...but going back to the castle with Sirius? He would probably need to carry her. Unless this is part of the mystery? Maybe she's only part-human or something? (I mean, how many people do you know with purple eyes?)
What I did get from her behavior was A. she's stoic B. she's logical and fairly even-keel (emotionally), and C. she's very mysterious. I even wondered, given her weak excuses and the fact that she seemed not to recognize Sirius at first, whether she was an imposter just pretending to be a Hogwarts student...an interesting start to an OC, to say the least. I liked the fact that Sirius is described as "dazed" after the encounter. That could explain why he doesn't ask more questions about her injuries and obviously weak story...or perhaps suggest that he was subjected to some magic. Maybe the mysterious OC has some Veela in her? Or, just maybe, she IS an imposter and used legilimens to extract enough info from Sirius to play the part of a student?
This story could go in so many fascinating directions...I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll do! Definitely rerequest when you've got a few more chapters validated.
P.S. I didn't really notice any grammar/vocab probs, just FYI! You have a very nice writing style, I don't think you need to worry on that count. ^_^Author's Response: "The one thing that bothered me was the fact that the girl didn't seem too pained by her stomach wound."
Ah-ha! I was hoping someone would catch on to that... Hmmm. ;D
Originally I wrote a scene from my OC's POV after being left at the Hospital Wing, and let's just say she didn't necessarily stay there once Sirius was gone. I might throw it in the next chapter just for fun.
My OC was giving me so many troubles. Her personality is so different from mine and from anyone I know, so writing her takes a lot of time. I'm very glad you thought she was 'mysterious' because that's exactly what I was going for. It is a mystery story after all. ;) I have to keep my readers guessing!
I am VERY pleased to read this review. You have no idea how many times I went to submit this story and then just stopped because I didn't think it was good enough.
I'm nearly done with chapter 2 and will definitely request from you again! Thank you so much! Report Review
really great :)
I hope you continue on writing this story!
xoxoAuthor's Response: Thanks!
I have chapter 2 written, I just have a few edits to make. :) Report Review
Wow. This was so exciting. I just want more right away :P
This was a good beginning, and I am looking forward to seeing more of this story. I have a feeling it will be a great story. 10/10 :)Author's Response: The next chapter is written, I just need to makes some edits. :)
Thank you for reviewing! I really appriciate it! Report Review
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