Reading Reviews for Ade's magical awakening.
  
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Sheriff who am I????

6th September 2011:
Hi there - review, as promised. As requested, I have looked through for pointers to flesh the story out: the basic idea certainly seems a sound one and I look forwards to seeing where you take it.

First up, I like the factual accuracy using real geographic minutiae. I know a lot of people aren't bothered by things like this, but I hate stories that talk about Britain in geographic terms and then talk about Scotland being near London, so a big tick on that account.

Not knowing the first thing about the Yoruba Tribe or Kwara State, however, I'm a little short on mental images for what happens next. Is his village near Lagos and therefore not unlike a shanty town? Is it in the oil-rich section of the country? Is it Sahel/Sahara? I assume Ade's black, but is he tall, short, fat, thin, athletic, gangly... what's going on? I find that when a character is in peril whom you really don't know much about, it's difficult to care for them. If Ade were, say, retrieving water for the family from a well several miles away, immediately the reader is a bit more bothered about his welfare.

I like the use of Ade's thoughts as semi-narration, although perhaps you could have used this a little more in the section where you discuss his fear. "Ade had lived in Kwara long enough to know that..."

This brings me on to the next suggestion, and I think it's something I mentioned on "Son of Bellatrix" - consistency of perspective. This piece is generally all from Ade's point of view, but a few times it does rather drift away into a general narrative, when it would have been more interesting (but admittedly harder to write) to keep it with the boy. The line I'm particularly thinking of here is "just after Ade had been thinking those thoughts the lions suddenly stopped their snarling and slowly approached Ade". There is a great that you can do with Ade's emotional state here, but you skip it with a single line and the fear/peril is instantly diffused.

Your spelling and grammar is generally good, although it's "independent" and not "independant", and I'm not a big fan of brackets in narrated prose (unless they're for an off-topic aside, like this): there are usually better ways of adding these bits of information into your sentence flow.

Overall, I like the overall plot arc that you're developing and I look forward to seeing how you extend the potential that your ideas have got: personally I can't bring myself to submit chapters that are below 2,000 words as it generally means I'm not describing things in sufficient detail.

Finally, I can't read the name "Ade" without thinking of Ade Akinbiyi, possibly the worst footballer to have ever been bought for 5m. That's probably just me, though.

Author's Response: Many thanks once again for the review and also many of the suggestions you suggested, which will be fully implimented. It is after all how writers improve.
The name Ade has particular meaning throughout this (as well as Son of Potter) story, and also in the sequel I have planned. Google it under Nigerian names and you'll get what I mean. So I,m sorry about the footballer thing.
Many thanks once again for leaving the comments and keep reading.


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Review #2, by mugglemania who am I????

2nd August 2011:
Oh, I feel stupid. I thought the first chapter of Son of Potter vs. Son of Bellatrix was the prequel because I noticed I hadn't left a review or anything. Then I went back to your page and saw that this was was the real prequel. SO now I feel dumb.
Anyhoo, this is so interesting. I was wondering about an African in an English school and hopefully this prequel will explain a little more and shed some light on this interesting character.
~mugglemania

Author's Response: Thank you my fellow muggle friend. I thought (like yourself) that some people might be of a similar puzzlement. So I decided to include a short story to try and explain how his magic came about. There is still some work to do since I wanted to get the basic outline posted and work around that.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and review.

Magicmuggle01


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