Reading Reviews for A Dangerous Influence
  
10 Reviews Found

Review #1, by confusedlover 2. Draco Malfoy

11th September 2011:
very lovely.

Another superb chapter! Your pace for this story is simply fantastic! I am truly impressed how you aren't revealing too much or too little in each of your chapters. That takes talent, and you certainly have it!

As for characterization, I really saw it shine through during this chapter. Astoria's conversations with Draco, Leo, and Mr. Handsome all had different components, but some of the same as well. I love how Astoria looks up to her sister's beauty and confidence while all along she has nothing to be shy about. It's a plot device that is giving Astoria lasting character traits that I think are wonderful as this story progresses.

Daphne, although still not a lot was revealed, is very interesting to me. She seems to always possess a motive for her sometimes strange behavior, which isn't a bad thing at all, but will certainly add some interest to her character later on. Her ability to attempt to lead Astoria to certain men was amusing. Very amusing.

I believe this story is very good so far, and other readers will agree with that. There isn't too much going on at once, but there is enough to enhance characterization and plot interest, all the while having a great time reading. Your descriptions add a lot to the text also. I personally love description and you are not disappointing me with it in the least.

Overall, this is wonderful so far! Per my review thread, I only read two chapters per story but feel free to re-request for the next chapter or whatever is posted and I will gladly read and review it for you. Have a great day and keep up the amazing writing! (:

Author's Response: I really want to introduce the circle of friends early on, as all of them have a role to play. I think each new charcter will have different traits and Astoria might adjust her mannerisms to suit them, but ultimately she'll be just Astoria too.

I'm really glad that Daphne's the one that interests you, it kind of surprises me, but I like it. I spend so much time worrying about Astoria's characterisation that Daphne gets a little neglected :P

Your reviews have been really helpful and extremely kind too. Once my next chapter is up I will definitely drop by for a review of chapter 3 and 4. Thanks again :)


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Review #2, by confusedlover 1. The Beginning

10th September 2011:
very lovely.

First off, I wanted to compliment you on writing such an eye-catching opener to a story. This wasn't a traditional prologue, but it wasn't so much a complete plot devoted chapter either. It was perfect! I loved the little bit of insight we got but the fact that it wasn't enough to really take a lot out of the story right away. That is what I believe great chapter openers possess and you certainly pulled it off in my opinion.

So far, there isn't a lot of plot as I mentioned (which is a great thing for a first chapter) but I do believe your story is extremely interesting so far. There is a lot of development left for Astoria as a character and that should/is definitely intriguing as a reader. Character development is essential to any story and is sometimes undervalued. You have a lot of room for it here and I have a gut feeling that you will use it very well! (:

The other characters (which was just Daphne so far I suppose) also seem to be on the right track. I really enjoyed how Astoria and Daphne were so different from one another. It's natural, yes, but their differences really seem to hold them together and offer many additional possibilities. Both appear to want to be more like the other, which could cause some interesting character conflicts later on in the story. It's a wonderful and efficient base to work off of, for sure!

Just a quick note, your flow seems to be well intact and so far your writing style seems to really compliment this story. It's difficult to really pick out problems after only reading a first chapter, but even so, I couldn't find anything that I could offer constructive criticism on at all! This was well done. Overall, I think you have a great story started here and I am eager to see where you take this.

On to chapter two! (:

Author's Response: Thank you so, so much for such a lovely review. I really appreciate it a lot!

I'm so glad that you thought the first chapter was a good opener. I'm worried that it doesn't have enough to capture the readers attention, but I did mean it just to set the scene, which I'm so happy that you picked up on :)

I don't mean to be too cheesy, but I feel like you've completely understood what I hoped the reader would get from it :D Everything you've said about the characters was what I was aiming for. Everything. This review has totally made my day. Thank you so much :)


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Review #3, by Atomic 3. Truths and Rumours

10th September 2011:
Hello!!

This chapter was so cute!!! I'm glad Draco ran into Astoria at the cafe. It was really sweet of him to pay for her coffee, too. You're doing a great job characterizing him. I think the way you portray him as confident and witty is beautiful, and I love how you alluded to him having some issues because of the war.

Really, the only thing I would like to see is longer chapters. They're really interesting and it's just such a shame that they end so quickly!!! I just want to keep reading!!!

Otherwise though, you have a great story with a good plot, good flow, great characters with wonderful dialogue and imagery. Definitely keep up the good work and feel free to re-request!!

Author's Response: I just love writing Draco, so any excuse to drop him in there :P But, I did want to build the relationship up between Astoria and Draco and especially, her feelings towards him. Hence the encouter in the coffee shop :)

I will definitely re-request once the next chapters up, your reviews have been a real confidence boost. Thank you so much :)


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Review #4, by Atomic 2. Draco Malfoy

10th September 2011:
Hello again!!

This was a great chapter!! I love how social Astoria is and how protective Daphne is. I think the whole incident with Leo was definitely funny.

The dialogue and imagery in this chapter was amazing! I really felt like I was right there at the party. You do such a great job at setting up the atmosphere.

I really don't have any critiques for this chapter. I thought everything flowed really well and that it was great that you introduced Draco without making it a "love at first sight" type of thing. Great job!

Author's Response: Hi again! Thank you so much :) I really appreciate all your praise. Leo is a bit of a peculiar character so I wanted to introduce him in a funny way.

I really enjoyed writing the party, especially introducing Draco. I was so excited to finally start writing about him! Haha.

Again, thank you :)


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Review #5, by Atomic 1. The Beginning

9th September 2011:
Hi there, it's Atomic from the forums with your requested review!! I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond! College and whatnot >_<

So, I just want to say that I love your descriptions! They're so detailed and vivid. You did a marvelous job setting up the tone and setting for the story. I really got a feel for Astoria right in the beginning.

While you did a great job with the setting, there wasn't a lot happening in this chapter. While this is extremely well written, I worry that you might lose readers because it was such a short beginning that didn't really allude to anything exciting for the next chapter. I might suggest leaving off with a cliffhanger or something of that type.

I feel that you're characterization is pretty good, but it's a little early on to tell. You've done a good job setting up the whole sister rivalry thing though with the parents. I really like it. I really like Astoria, too. She seems like the typical pureblood daughter, but with a little more jazz to her. She seems really interesting and I can't wait to read more.

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for your review :) And don't worry about the wait, I certainly know what that's like.

Thank you so much for your kind words regarding my decriptions. I love good description and I tend to go a little overboard with it sometimes, but I just love reading a story where you can completely imagine the scene due to good descriptions and that's what I aim for :P

I understand what you mean about not much happening in this chapter. That's really my main worry with this chapter. I'm reluctant to add anything more to it though because I have each chapter planned out and I know how the story is going to pan out.

Again, thank you so much for your review, it was really helpful :)


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Review #6, by wit_beyond_measure3 1. The Beginning

13th August 2011:
Hello! Phoenixflames19 here from the forums with your requested review. Sorry it's taken so long!

Anyways, you said you wanted to know if there was enough here to make a reader hang on for the next chapter. I think so. You said you don't think there's much drama, and I agree, but you sort of left of on a cliffhanger there by saying "this was the beginning of her life." I'm certainly willing to keep reading.

As for general feedback, I like the way you've characterized the girls. I've never given Daphne or Astoria much thought, so it's nice to see what you think. I have a feeling this will be interesting as it develops.

wbm/pf

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :) And I'm sorry its taken so long to get back to you, my internet broke for while there.

I'm glad you think there's something there that makes it worth hanging on for the next chapter. The whole story will contain many dramatic moments that to include one in the opening chapter may have made it all a little overwhelming!

And I'm glad you liked the way I characterised the girls. Many people don't give them a thought, and if they do, they're usually not reflected as being very nice. My characters may not always be nice, but I'm hoping I can make them realistic.

Thank you again!


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Review #7, by forsakenphoenix 1. The Beginning

8th August 2011:
I really enjoyed this first chapter. It was a bit short, but it introduced us to your main character, Astoria. You managed to convey a lot about her as a character in such a short amount of time which is commendable. I love the contrast between the two sisters. How Astoria was the perfect daughter, the one who did as she was told. She seems like a people-pleaser. I especially love your characterization of Daphne - how loving and kind she is, but then you allow us to see her thoughts and there's more darkness and resentment there than she lets on.

I noticed a few errors that I hope you don't mind me pointing out:
"She started suddenly hearing a roar behind her, twisting to face the room she saw the fire come to life in flames of green and from it a girl spun into focus"

If you read that sentence over it sounds a bit awkward to me. This is just my opinion so feel free to ignore her. I think it might sound better if you wrote:

"She started suddenly, hearing a roar behind her. She twisted to face the room and saw the fire come to life in flames of green..."

"Like Astoria she had high cheekbones and a regal look, but her eyes weren't as bright as Astoria's, her lips a little fuller." -> I think this should read, "Like Astoria, she had high cheekbones and a regal look; but her eyes weren't as bright, her lips a little fuller." Something like that.

In dialogue, when your character is doing something other than speaking, like smiling or nodding, you want to use a full stop rather than a comma and capitalize the first letter.

So for example:
"Oh, I'm so glad you're here Astoria," she smiled,
This should be "Oh, I'm so glad you're here,[comma here too] Astoria." She smiled... the comma implies that you're using a dialogue tag (i.e. he said, she replied, etc.)

You did this a couple of times so just a head's up. Other than that, grammar and spelling were good.

Your descriptions are wonderful and really paint the scene well for your reader. The excitement and wonder that Astoria feels finally being in London is palpable. I think that while your story isn't as action-packed as most, I don't think it'd be hard to garner readers who are fascinated with a new, fresh look at Astoria Greengrass.

I guess I might have liked a little bit more background on her days at Hogwarts, though. Maybe give us more of a contrast between the sisters and how they behaved.

Pacing seems good so far but be careful not to make things to slow. I think you've got an interesting first chapter, and the summary is definitely intriguing enough so hopefully you'll pick up some more readers soon.

Good luck with the rest of your story! I would say feel free to request but with school coming up, I'm not sure how much free time I will have, unfortunately. If you get a second chapter up before August 22, I wouldn't mind reading and reviewing it. :)

forsakenphoenix (Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! And I'm so sorry for the delay in getting back to you, my internet broke for a long three weeks.

I'm so glad you liked the differences between the two sisters, I wanted to ensure that none of my characters became Mary Sue's, so I worked hard on making sure they were each their own person. I also thought that since we know so little about Astoria and Daphne, it would be a fun experiment to build upon the tiny snippets we do know.

I really appreciate you pointing out the grammatical errors too, I'll go back and fix them as soon as I've replied to this!

I actually hadn't planned on going into too much detail about Astoria's days at Hogwarts. I guess this was because the story is about Astoria's new beginnings. I've tried to include little snippets here and there so that the readers can at least notice the difference between her life then and now, but overall I think it may slow the pace of the story a little.

Thank you again! I'll maybe check your review thread sometime soon, and if you're not too busy, request again :)



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Review #8, by academica 1. The Beginning

6th August 2011:
Hey there! academica here with your review :)

This was a great first chapter. I really loved your characterization of both girls, but especially Daphne. Her sugar-sweet attitude combined with her more sinister inner feelings made for a very interesting dichotomy. The story flowed well and I didn't see any grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes, which is always good. I am a little surprised that you put the Greengrasses' home in Godric's Hollow; care to explain why you made that choice? Other than the fact that it's a good example of a small town, obviously.

Now, I agree with you that this one is lacking action and drama. It could benefit from a slight alteration that adds a little bit of a twist or a cliffhanger. I'm going to assume from the story summary and ship listing that Pansy is the one to try to take Astoria down. While I understand completely that you may not want to introduce your villain quite yet, it might be good to twist Daphne's feelings just a little more, just as a way of firmly establishing the contrast between her and her friends and sweet, perfect Astoria. You could maybe expand a little on Astoria's school years, for example, showing how she never associated with Daphne, Pansy and the others. These are just a couple of ideas, and believe me when I say that the story is not bad as is. For me, it just lacks that little bit of a hook that really makes me hungry for the next chapter.

Your writing is really beautiful and the descriptions are great. I really did enjoy reading this and I think you've got a great concept for a story here. I mean, it's hard to think that evil Pansy Parkinson would take someone stealing her man lying down, right? I do love some good Slytherin girl drama :)

Thanks so much for requesting a review. I hope my comments are helpful to you, and feel free to re-request in the future if you'd like more feedback. Great work here!

academica (Slytherin)

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for reviewing so quickly, I really appreciate it :)

I'm glad you liked Daphne. Although Astoria is my main character, I was eager to ensure that the other characters stood out on their own, such as Daphne. So I'm really happy you liked her.

I thought about different places to put the Greengrass' actually. I decided they wouldn't have been as rich as the Malfoys to have a manor or own any substantial amount of land. I also wanted where they were situated to fit into the plot with Astoria moving somewhere completely different. So I chose Godric's Hollow due to its contrasts to London, not only the difference between small town to large city, but a completely magical town with so much magical history, to a place where witches and wizards are more secretive and have to mingle with Muggles.

I completely understand what you mean. I didn't introduce these elements so early on because (and I've probabaly thought too much into this) but I believed Astoria would have been too excited by the prospects of her new life to have paid attention to any potential drama or inner conflicts. Therefore, I might have had an issue trying to convey these issues to the reader if my main character didn't recognise it.

Thank you so much for the review! It's really nice to recieve a review thats so helpful and constructive :)


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Review #9, by TheDoctor 1. The Beginning

12th July 2011:
Hello, Astoria Viana from the forums here. First off I am so sorry for how long it took me to review this. I was away for a while and when I got back I was really busy but here's the review! (with extra detail to make up for the lateness.)

Alrighty, plot:Well I can't say much yet since you only have one chapter but I do like what you do have. The idea of Astoria being the, well, goody two shoes of the sisters is great.I love her open attitude towards London. I love your writing style, it flows really well and gives a cheery outlook on everything. You give great details and even in a chapter without any high action or drama you still keep your reader engaged.

As for characters I just have to say how great it is to see a characterization of Astoria as not a snobby little... well anyway it's nice to see her with such a bright outlook. I like Daphne too and the relationship between the two is great and very believable.

All I can say is be careful of Mary Sue syndrome, I don't think either Astoria or Daphne have it but Astoria has potential to catch it. Since it's only the first chapter it's hard to tell but just a warning, though from what I've read in this chapter alone you have the writing talent to steer clear of Mary Sue-ism.

Overall this was a great chapter and I like where your story is going. You have a great writing style. Keep going and update soon!

~Astoria (not Greengrass)

Author's Response: Hi, I'm so sorry it took me a while to reply to this!

Thank you so much for the compliments on my writing. As there was no high action or drama, I was a little worried that there would be nothing there that would entice the readers back for chapter 2. I'm glad Astoria's cheery outlook came out through my writing, and as for Astoria being the goody two shoes, I'm especially glad you picked up on this as that is integral to the plot of the story.

Anyway, thank you so much for the review, I may be back to request again :)


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Review #10, by ava_w 1. The Beginning

7th July 2011:
love it! can't wait to read more! just from reading the intro and this chapter it sounds like this will be an awesome fic!

Author's Response: Aw, thank you!

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