Hi! It's Chocolate_Frog form the BvB review battle. :)
I thought this was a very sweet one-shot. I haven't read the story that this is accompanying, but you provided enough details for us to infer what happened... I'm guessing 'the Incident' is either her and James's breakup, or something along those lines...?
I'm so glad that James gets a bit of non-Lily love in this story... very cute. You did a great job of expressing Lisa's feelings, though I thought that the way people treated her seemed a bit too harsh for students only in third year... It seemed to fit a much older time slot. But eh, maybe that's just me.
I loved your descriptions of hope as well. The two quotes you used fit the story really well. Overall, it wasa great peace. Well done! :)
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hey! :) Thank you for reading and reviewing!
I'm glad you liked it! Uhm..the incident wasn't their break-up or anything, he doesn't even know she likes him. She actually did a terrible thing; she purposefully made James and Lily break-up (yes, you feel less sympathetic now, don't you? :P)
The people who teased Lisa aren't only in their third year, they are older as well, and they aren't actually saying anything to /her/, more like whispering amongst themselves, as is so common. Lisa feels bad enough, nevertheless.
Thank you! :) Report Review
I really like this story.
Everyone generally seems to overlook the idea that James could have had other admirers which I think you address really well in here.
I think the way you look at her feelings and the way she feels more invisible compared to Lily Evans is just so cute and I really want to know more about her :D
GinevraMollyPotterAuthor's Response: Thank you :).
I actually wrote this as a companion piece to another story that I've long since given up on, and more of her feelings were focused upon in that fic.
Thank you for reading and reviewing. :) Report Review
Sorry this took so long xD
This was so beautiful, I feel for Lisa. Poor girl, she is almost like Severus, in love with a person who will never love her back :( For the first time in my life I think I hate Lily! How dare she take James away from Lisa HOW VERY DARE! As you know from my review I loved 'An Invisible Reality' and I loved this one also!
Still cant wait for chapter two of An Invisible Reality though but this was a nice read to take my mind off of waiting (because im impatient :P)
xAuthor's Response: Sorry I took so long to respond. :P
Aww..thankyou for your kind words. I feel so great that you felt for her- that's the nicest compliment somebody can give to an author. :) I'm so glad you loved both of my fics, though I must admit, it might take a while to get the second chapter of A.I.R up as I'm planning on writing down at least 20 chapters before updating it.:)
Nevertheless, thankyou for reading and reviewing! It means a lot to me. :) Report Review
I love this one-shot and it goes really well with An Invisible Reality!!
Speaking of which, where did that go?? Did you take it down? For like the past week I've been coming in to check for it and see if there was an update for it, but it's not on your page...at all...it just up and disappeared :(
I sent an email about the fact that it was missing to the staff but I haven't gotten any reply so far :/
Did you maybe take it down on purpose? For editing or something?
Please reply to this and reassure me it will be back!! I LOVE it.
Anyway, what I really like about this one-shot is how it makes you sympathize with Lisa more. When you find out what she did it's hard to like her, but here she seems really sweet. And loving and passionate and innocent.
You also did a great job with the organic imagery!
And since you did this one-shot so well, I was wondering if maybe sometime you could do a one-shot from Jatin's point of view? Right now (and for most of the story) his thoughts and actions are really mysterious and I'm thinking you probably want it that way, but once we know more about what's all going on with...I don't want to leave spoilers here for prospective readers, so let's go with The Thing In Chapter: SPARROW! Where Lisa Learns Something About Jatin And She Gets Sad (lol. I'm hoping you know what I'm referring to)...do you think you can write a one-shot?? I would LOVE that =]
Please update An Invisible Reality soon =]Author's Response: Okay, what you're going to hear might really upset you :(. The thing is, I scrapped the idea.
I know, I know I'm a really bad person, but I couldn't help it! I had almost abandoned it- you would know, I hadn't updated it in more than a month- because I felt that Sirius was becoming more and more OOC as the fic progressed. :(
So, I decided to start afresh. I'm really SORRY. You know, it feels really nice to know someone liking my story so much- I really, really appreciate your sticking to this fic -you don't know how much this means to me.
Which makes me feel terrible. I know, I'm a pretty rubbish author. Again, I'm sorry, and I hope you aren't too mad at me...
As for the new fic I started, it's going to be pretty different. And slow. I don't know whether you would read anything by someone as untrustworthy as me, but I hope you've forgiven me. :(
Thank you so much for all your reviews so far and for sticking up with An Invisible Reality! I'm really glad you liked this one-shot. :) Report Review
I think writing a thirteen/fourteen-year-old girl is incredibly hard. There are a lot of social expectations and since I haven't read An Invisible Reality (I actually didn't see this on your author's page?) I'm not quite sure what "The Incident" is to which you refer. I am curious though as to why her peers are isolating her though, it seems pretty cruel for a young teenage girl to be going through. You definitely make me feel for her though and I really like her character, how she's trying to be strong and ignore all the jeering but inside, she's still a human with hurt feelings.
I found it cute when she ran into James and she got those butterflies in her stomach and how she wanted to hold onto his hand forever. There's something sweet and innocent about a young love, even if it's unrequited. I love how two words ("It's okay") can mean so much to one person. I'm glad she got the absolution.
It's somewhat sad how she watches James and Lily interact, knowing he loves Lily more than he could ever love her. But then she grabs hold of that tiny spark of hope and she holds on tight. I love your descriptions of what hope is, by the way. It was wonderfully described and it was something I could actually feel, you know?
I really enjoyed this one-shot. I think it was simple and to the point. You didn't use any unnecessary words which is nice (I'm prone to this myself, unfortunately) which made it a short, enjoyable read. I also didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors which is awesome! My favorite part of well-written stories. ;) Nicely done!Author's Response: I agree! It's doubly hard for me to write any person that's not my age (though that might be because I'm a terrible writer, but ahem... :P). My other fic got scrapped after I wrote this, but I decided to keep this one-shot to remind me of my first.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm so glad you enjoyed it- I understand that it might've be confusing to read without any previous understanding of the setting, but I'm still happy you liked it! :)
Yep. I wanted it to be short and simple (though my lack of vocabulary might have been a reason :P). Thanks again so much! :) Report Review
Eee, I loved this! :) It sort of made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
What I enjoyed was how you didn't make it bitter and all angst filled (even though I am an angst writer!) and rather innocent and... well, hopeful! ;) I am a pretty diehard Lily/James fan, and I don't generally like James with an OC, but I did like this. I think part of it was born of the fact that they were in 3rd year, you said. It was simpler, less dramatic than it might have been in 7th year. Does that make sense? haha. Anyways, I did quite enjoy it!
I loved Lisa. ♥ I just felt like giving her a hug! It was so sweet, the way that she felt when James helped her up - I think most of us can relate to that feeling of butterflies.
"I don't want to morph into what they tell me I am; however tempting it may be to not feel the pain." That was one of the lines that really solidified my liking for her! That and when she mentions that she's not unbreakable, she's human, and she feels pain too. She felt very real to me.
The way you wrote this was excellent, too - sort of simply, not super long sentences, but effectively and with beautiful word choices. It was great!
And I loved that quote from Emily Dickinson - it's one of my all time favorites. :)
A sweet, lovely one shot! I might need to read An Invisible Reality now - I searched for it on the archives but I couldn't find it. :( Wonderful job!Author's Response: Hey! :)
I'm glad you did! :D Hehee...I wanted it to be angst-y when I started writing this- but it turned out that way :P Oohh..I'm so flattered that you liked this even though you don't like james/OC's!
I'm so glad you liked Lisa too because it took me a lot of time to develop her character. I love that Emily Dickinson quote too! :)
Uh...actually I'm going to rewrite An Invisible Reality- but I'm flattered, in a big way that you liked this so much! :)
Thanks again for reading and leaving such a sweet review! :) Report Review
Aww this is really sweet. It's nice that even though she knows that James loves Lily, she can still hope. And that's enough. Aw, I feel really fuzzy and warm now haha.
I liked how simple this was - no external fuss, no unnecessary detail. What made it for me was the lack of angst - it's so easy to fall into angsty territory with unrequited love, but you kept it light and simple and hopeful. There such a good vibe about how you finished this that it was sweet and cute.
I loved it :)
MarinaAuthor's Response: Hey! :)
Thankyouu! :) Yep, I didn't use any fancy words (though my lack of a vocabulary might have been a reason :P)- I tried to focus more on her feelings than anything else. :) It feels devoid of angst, doesn't it? But the character later realises (in the other fic) that hoping is completely useless- and just results in shattered dreams. So, it was a sort of prelude to that.
Thanks so much for such a sweet review! :) Report Review
adorable banner = i have to read this!!
I like the idea you've presented, because I think it's something not a lot of people like to think about--not, I mean, being a real person behind the rumors, because that happens to everybody!--but, I mean, that it would be so much easier to give into people's expectations than to hold out. Especially as young people, when expectations, for whatever reason, run rampant. Although I think it might just be because people don't realize at a young age that people don't really fit into categories in real life.
Unless they give into them...for whatever reason. Because your MC decides not to, I've decided I like her. I think she gets a bit caught up in when James helps her up, but it's nice to think about--a warm hand, butterflies in the stomach, feeling, like girls often do, that the moment of right now could extend for forever.
I was a little surprised when this was Marauder's James (I am bad at reading all the details of stories in the summaries :P), but again I applaud you for making him nice :D For your first one-shot this is an awesome job! I might read back through it and give some points a bit more explication--instead of maybe saying what hope is (her only companion), say more than that--how it makes her feel, how she comes to the conclusion that although it's tiny, it's her only friend.
Something that I find powerful enough to think of whenever I read a story about hope is that when Pandora opened her box and all the evils of the world were released, a smaller, none-the-less forceful thing followed the bad into the world...and it was hope. I feel that'd be appropriate here :)
Good job, hun, YAY FOR RAVENCLAW and keep writing!!Author's Response: Hey there! :D
First off, I'm glad you seem to like my OC! Creating an original character, and yet making people like her is a really difficult task- in fact, I've had some reviewers tell me that they don't like this OC much.
I think when I wrote this, I was barely thinking. I was having a really bad day and I wrote down whatever I was feeling. So yeah, I've never edited this and don't want to either, because this will remind of my first attempt :P. But thank you so much for that critique- You're absolutely right, and I'll be sure to remember that if I write something similar again. :)
I don't really know the story of Pandora (what can I say, I've a low IQ :P), because we aren't really taught Greek mythology in this part of the world, but I agree it's pretty fitting.
Thank you so much for such a lovely review! :) Report Review
Eep! That was really beautiful writing. Honestly. I am jealous of your ability to convey emotions, because this was good. Real good. Bravo.
brithewriter (from the review swap) :DAuthor's Response: Aw...really? That's so nice of you to say! :D Thank you so much! :) Report Review
nice i haven t seen any friend of mine writing so beautifully . well done miss woodrowAuthor's Response: Thanks. :) Glad you thought so. :) Report Review
Oh god, this is such a beautiful one-shot! I came here for the review battle and I picked it, but I think I'll now have to read your full other story!
It's just so lovely and sad at the same time. You made me instantly connect with Lisa and feel for her. It must be so so sad for her to watch the person one loves being so unbelievably in love with someone else like James was with Lily. :(
Your writing suited the feeling of the story really well, too - it gives out both melancholy and at times the short phrases give out Lisa's feelings and excitement. And the quotes you picked for the fic suit it greatly too - I've never heard the one about hope being a universal liar and it fits Lisa's situation perfectly! Poor thing indeed!
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this! From this short one-shot, you really made me like Lisa and I'll definitely return to read the rest of her story in your other fic.Author's Response: Aww...thank you! I'm glad you found it so! :)
Yes, it's incredibly sad- and let me let you on in a little secret (sort of). I wrote this when I myself was feeling very melancholy; so it all came out quite easily. I'm a very melodramatic person and the fic suited my mood :P
I stumbled upon that quote, and found it perfect for the story! Glad you thought so too!
Thanks, thanks, thanks for the lovely review! It seriously made my day! I'm sincerely glad you enjoyed it! :) Report Review
Aww, this was really sweet, yet also heart breaking at the same time, knowing what we know develops between James and Lily. I like that Lisa holds onto the hope, it gives her and endearing quality and stops her falling into despair. She doesn't seem to be well liked, based on the insults that she hides from, yet she still somehow keeps a positive thought within her.
It was beautifully written and I loved love all the descriptions throughout. In some ways it was almost poetic with your use of punctuation and variations in sentence lengths. I could really feel Lisa's emotions when I was ready. Awesome job, it was a really enjoyable read.Author's Response: Hey there! :)
I'm happy you thought so! Yes, Lisa holds onto hope, but even that is sort of ironic. See the quote in the beginning of the chapter?- that hope is the only liar which never loses its reputation for veracity. Yes, it must not have been very clear- this was actually meant to be read after reading my Sirius/OC novel- it's much clearer then. :)
Thanks so much for such a lovely review! I'm sincerely glad you enjoyed it! :) Report Review
Hi! I didn't know this was a prequel (or sequel, or whatever it is) to one of your other stories. I just may have to go and read that, like, right now xD
This is amazing. You portray her feelings so vividly, and I was surprised when I discovered it wasn't Lily; I've never read James with anyone other than Lily. But I think you do this so well! The description and prose is beautiful.
Great job!Author's Response: It was a sort of prequel; only, it's quite difficult to understand the setting and the plot if you haven't read my other novel.
Aww..thank you! I'm glad you liked it! :) Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
This was an incrediable piece of writing. I generally hate on-shots but this was really well done ^_^ - I only say I hate them though because I can't write them >.<
Anyway, the pain that this girl felt I was actually really feeling it. My gut was turning at the very first line, which is really good and captures a readers attention ^_^
You have a creative mind, and I think i've told you before to do Poetry :/ But I can't remember ?? :D So If you don't do it !!! xx
Love ~Karni. xxAuthor's Response: Aww...thankyou! :) You hate one-shots? haha...but you've written a wonderful one-shot yourself that I read yesterday :P
Creative, really? I've never thought of myself like that; it's a wonderful compliment! :D Umm...I don't remember either...nobody has told me to do poetry before. I tried when I was like, twelve, and i always sucked, so... :P
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :)
~Vanya Report Review
This was a nice little one-shot. Quite deep - I liked it.
There are 2 grammar errors I spotted:
1) There is line where it says "a lump rise in my throat" - it should be "a lump rises in my throat".
2) "His face his lit up with ecstasy" - it should be "His face lights up" or "His face has lit up" =D
Apart from those I didn't see any mistakes that distracted me from my reading. I think this was a beautiful one-shot, the emotions came across very nicely. Your scene setting and description was good as well.
There is still room for improvement though - I think you could perhaps add some flashback incidents or something that led up to this, a brief memory flashing through your character's mind - it will give more substance to the story. Otherwise this was a wonderful piece.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm glad you liked it! :)
And thankyou for taking time to point out those mistakes. I appreciate that a lot and I'll be sure to correct them! :)
Thanks again! That's so nice of you to say!
I understand your confusion. This is actually a mere snippet from my other novel; so if you read that fic first, the scenario is a lot clearer. :)
But thanks for reading, nevertheless! :) Report Review
This was gorgeous! I'm usually not a big fan of OC's in love with James Potter, but you wrote this so well, that I couldn't help but love it! The words flowed beautifully, and the imagery you put into it was perfect. I felt so bad for the girl, and the ending was perfect. It tied everything together, and made me want to go and read your other story!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Aww..thankyouuu! :) I'm flattered you liked this even though you don't like OCs :) I hope you didn't feel too confused as this was actually a companion piece; but it's nice to know that you felt that it was good!
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! =) Report Review
Aww, that was sweet and sad at the same time. I really like that James forgave her, and he treated her like a real person. And it makes things a little more clear in the story. I loved it! :)Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you liked it! I know, James is so sweet. I loved writing this.
Thank you! :D Report Review
i love the emily dickinson quote! its one of my favorite poems.
and i love this story, and the pairingAuthor's Response: Thanks! Glad you liked it :D
I love the quote too! :) Report Review
This was SO brilliant. I LOVE James. You write his character so wonderfully. He is so nice to Lisa its such a perfect contrast to the way Sirius treats her. Amazing one shot :) I hope you write more of them for an invisible reality. Cant wait to read them
Randomgirl :) xx 10/10Author's Response: Hey,
Brilliant, really? thanks! You're so nice. I'm glad you think so. Yep, James is a very nice character in this fic, I always felt sorry for him because of the 'Evans situation'.
Thanks! :D I'll try to write more snippets, but most probably they will be a part of the main story itself. Report Review
Hi! BrightStar with your review.
What a beautiful quote you picked - I recognised it and it made the story richer. A lovely banner too, it really drew me in!
Apart from these external things, your writing was excellent. A lovely description at the start (the wind) and the end, watching James and Lily - so poignant! Unrequited love is done so much, but you really used it beautifully. It flowed nicely, though the end is a little choppy - still good though, because it emphases your point! I really felt for your character, despite my lily/james obsession! also i adore how you wrote james - it made me fall in love all over again.
please feel free to request your other pieces, i really enjoyed this :)Author's Response: Hey, BrightStar!
I'm glad you think so. Thanks! I know it was difficult to connect to the main character, what with not knowing the back-story and all that, but I'm happy you felt for her!
Thanks for the nice review!
:) Report Review
Hello, Char from the Forums here with your review!
That first quote made me LTM (laugh to myself) because it is so true! I think you chose both quotes quite aptly!
So you're right, because I hadn't read the companion piece, I did feel a little off kilter reading this but how about I just tell you how I found it as a reader?
I simply loved the words you chose for this one-shot! The descriptions and the simple staggering thoughts of Lisa communicated well. More so in the end when she holds hope tightly to her.
The general flow and pacing I found to be fine as it is just a snippet of a time from this girl.
I may not feel as connected to her just because all I've read is this one shot, not the whole story but what I do know of her from your writing communicates someone who has been a pariah (for some reason) and possibly hurt James in some way but that he seems to be a good guy and therefore an object of her affection. So if that is what is basically is, that means your one shot has communicated!
xCharAuthor's Response: Aweee...
Hehe, it made me laugh too, it was totally apt! ;)
I'm SO glad you liked it. You've literally made me sigh out in relief. Now can think that this one-shot wasn't some incoherent babbling.
Loved the words? wow, that actually makes me feel so happy! :)
You are spot on in your observation. That is exactly what the story-line is. I'm glad you think it communicated! I'll be able to pick up the courage to write more one-shots now.
Thank you! thank you! =D Report Review
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