29 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Pen2Paper Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

6th May 2012:
This is really beautifully written I'm so glad I stumbled across this story. Sirius/Oc's are my absolute favourite and I already love this one.
Ben Barnes? Oh my absolute favourite choice for Sirius.Your descriptions and details, emotions everything is so beautifully written. Well done I can't wait to read on. Do update soon.

Author's Response: Wow, thanks! So glad you like it ^_^ I'll try to update soon. Thanks for the review! They make my day!

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Review #2, by nitenel Awkwardness, Trouble and Detention to be.

25th April 2012:
Better late than never...

I liked the last two paragraphs. It made me smile

Update within the next month por favor! :)

Author's Response: Haha thanks! :) I'll try :D Glad you liked it.

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Review #3, by loony_lovegood101 Letters, Flashbacks, and Stupid James

8th April 2012:
why wont you updateee? please this story is great and i hope you havent given up on it!?

Author's Response: I'm so glad you like it! I'm trying to update, but I've just been so busy!

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Review #4, by SexyDoorFrames Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

5th September 2011:
Heya! This was really good! I think it did everything an opening chapter should, it gives you a good idea of the characters you have presented (but not everything so some mystery is still there) and you've managed to hook me right in! I really like Hilary! She's really interesting so far and seems to be a well rounded, thought out character. I love the way you've wrote the Marauders as well! The banter between them is perfect and very believable between friends that have known each other for years. In all, I really enjoyed this! It was amazing!

- Keely
xxx

Author's Response: I am so glad that you think it was really good! This review made my day! Like really really made my day :D Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #5, by Manga_girl Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

26th August 2011:
Requested Review

Hello, I'm mangagirl from the forums for your review!
So, initial thoughts, this is good! I like it, it has great potential for a great story!

The characters are great. Lets start with Sirius. He is so cool! I mean he is funny like Sirius should be and he reacts with James and Remus well which is good. He is a good character and I cant wait to see more of him. Though It would be cool if he and Hilary did kiss!

Hilary now! I like her, I can imagine how scared she feels and sad because she lost her brother. I like how you have written this and how you portrey her. I think she has potential to be a really lovabel character and I can see her with Sirius well. Your description of her looks is great and I can imagine her as a real person, well done!

Another thing I picked up on was the way you started, its so effective and good. It was so cool and it would engage the reader to continue. And I just love it when people link their fanfiction to the canon in subtle and effective ways like you have, so cool.

So, you asked me if it flows well? Yes I think it does, especially how one event links into another. And I just love it how James saw them about to kiss, priceless!

And descriptions, they are very good and work well with this peice. I like the way you describe Hilary and the word choice you use is good.

There were a few minor error's I picked up on:
-Missed a commar
-Missed a capital letter
-Grammar
Maybe you should get a beta?
Apart from that I think this is a great start to your story, well done,
Emma

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad that you think my characters are great :D I'm glad it flows well and the descriptions are good. Yes, I am thinking about getting a beta. thanks for reviewing! :)

-Levana


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Review #6, by Its Obvious Letters, Flashbacks, and Stupid James

14th August 2011:
awww i really liked it u really have to write more, everytime i log on i cheak my fav stories and no one updates iz so unfair!
but i did really love the chapter! XXX

Author's Response: Awww thanks. I'm glad you liked it. I'm writing right now actually, but not on this story. I'm working on my other one, but I'll right this next chapter soon I promise! :D

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Review #7, by MarauderMist Letters, Flashbacks, and Stupid James

10th August 2011:
Good story so far! I'd like to here more (: But there is ONE thing that I would like to say... You're means you are, so in several instances you were using the wrong you're. For example: '“Your stupid,” answered Lily.' It should be "You're stupid,". Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: MarauderMist,
Thank you for reviewing. I'm glad you like it so far. However, the first chapter is going to be different soon. Upon request for better descriptions I added more descriptions to the first chapter, the plot is still the same though so yeah that's fine. Thank you for pointing out that mistake. It's really helpful. I'm going to request for a beta soon, so hopefully I won't have many mistakes anymore. Anyway thanks so much! :D

-Levana


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Review #8, by forsakenphoenix Letters, Flashbacks, and Stupid James

8th August 2011:
You started off really good with adding more description and then the rest of the chapter just became mostly dialogue again. I would really like to see more prose to balance out the excessive amount of dialogue, and maybe make your chapters a tad bit longer.

I'm not sure I understand what it is about the Prophet that caused her flashback so maybe it would help to write a little something about that in? With the flashback, you wrote that Michael died earlier in the week so why would Hilary be receiving a letter the same day it's printed in the Prophet? As his sister, she should've been one of the first to be notified of his death, I would think.

Again I noticed that you didn't capitalize canon words that are usually capitalized (Dark Mark, Auror, Muggle, etc.)

I don't think Lily was being harsh at all. It's not like she yelled at Hilary or smacked her around to knock some sense into her. She was being reasonable. She was friends with Michael too, so she understands the pain of losing him, and she wants Hilary to think about things rationally. I think losing sleep from the nightmares has caused additional stress to her life and she's just lashing out at the easiest person to blame for his death. Lily understands that and she's just being a good friend. Nothing harsh about that. :)

Keep writing and work on finding a beta - I think you would really benefit from having one. I love my betas. :) You have a great story idea so I'm excited for you to continue writing and develop your story and characters.

Good luck!

forsakenphoenix (Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm still working on my descriptions. To me it's way harder than it looks.

As for the Prophet causing the flashback. It's just another muggleborn killing. That coupled with her nightmares is what caused the flashback. My thinking was that first it would have taken about a day or so for the story to make the Prophet.

Also the Ministry would have too busy modifying the muggle's memories to have told her. Also, the fact that she gets the letter will later spark the reason she blames Ashley... I hope that answers your questions. Glad you like it! :D

-Levana


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Review #9, by forsakenphoenix Nightmares, Memories, and Awkwardness

8th August 2011:
Poor Hilary - I would be terrified if I kept dying in my dreams too. She needs Sirius to come hug her again. Based on Sirius's dream in the first chapter, about when he falls through the veil and is finally reunited with his life, I have a terrible feeling that her dreams will be more like a reality. But I'm hoping that's my overactive imagination and it won't be true! *fingers crossed*

Once again, I really liked the banter between your characters, especially the Marauders. I chuckled when Sirius said he liked Moony's idea better because it came from him even though James had said it first. Typical boys.

Again, a lot of errors. I really suggest getting a beta reader! They're awesome and a huge help. I noticed a few times you didn't capitalize Slytherin and once you didn't capitalize Lily. These are all proper nouns so they should be capitalized. You were missing periods and commas again. You also called James 'Padfoot' rather than 'Prongs' in one of Sirius's lines of dialogue. These are all simple fixes that a quick edit will clean up.

I can't wait to read about Sirius and Hilary's trip to Hogsmeade together. They seem like they'd be a cute couple - I love how awkward they are together when they both know they have a crush on each other but they aren't sure of the other's feelings. Hopefully they can figure things out between them and stop dancing around each other!

Things are progressing nicely and I can't wait to read the next chapter. :)

forsakenphoenix (Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: I know! I'd be so scared too! I think I will get a beta if I have all these mistakes! Yeah I'm excited to write about their trip to Hogmeade. Thanks for the review and help! :D

-Levana


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Review #10, by forsakenphoenix Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

8th August 2011:
Interesting first chapter! While it's sad that her brother died, I'm glad Hilary has some kind of past that is the root to her nightmares. I was a bit confused at first when Sirius was so willing to comfort her but I quickly realized that they must be close friends through Quidditch, at least close enough to the point that she would go to him for comfort.

I really enjoyed the banter between your characters. It seemed natural, light and teasing, especially between James and Sirius. I like how Hilary isn't afraid to be vulnerable around Sirius but in front of everyone else, it's like she puts on this tough exterior and she's witty and not afraid to get dirty with the boys.

At one point you called her Haley instead of Hilary though. I also noticed a lot of errors, especially with commas and dialogue tags. Commas are your friend! You also seem to have an aversion to periods. Here's one example I found:

“Thanks Sirius, you always make me feel better” Hilary glanced at his shirt and added “Sorry about your shirt”

This should read: "Thanks, Sirius, you always make me feel better." Hilary glanced at his shirt and added, "Sorry about your shirt."

I noticed those kinds of errors throughout the story so maybe have a beta read through it and fix those up for you.

Also, your fic is very heavy in the dialogue, and I'd like to see more descriptive prose. You should be able to set the scene with your words and give your reader something to imagine while they're reading. Your dialogue is excellent but a story just with dialogue can get boring pretty quickly. So maybe think of that for future chapters.

Like I said before though, you have a great start and I'm interested to see what's in store for Sirius and Hilary. :)

forsakenphoenix (Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: Thank you! Yes, I have a friend editing my story. I didn't realize that I had called her Haley. That is the name of the main character in my other story. I'm also working on my description skills. Descriptions are one of my many weaknesses. *Crosses fingers* I'm hoping my fourth chapter will be a lot better. :D Glad you like it though and thanks for the help It means a lot to me when reviewers point out mistakes.

-Levana


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Review #11, by Bookworm045 Letters, Flashbacks, and Stupid James

4th August 2011:
This was a really good follow-up to her nightmare last chapter. She was just stressed and upset and she threw a mini fit and it was a really realistic reaction. I don't think Lily's being too harsh, I mean, she lost Michael too, right? She has the right to say that Michael wouldn't like Hilary being upset and blaming Ashley.
This is really good, I loved it! Update it soon, Magster, or I'll be upset! :)

-Katherine045 (Slytherin!)

Author's Response: Yes Kathy I will update haha! Glad you like it! :D

-Levana


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Review #12, by Bookworm045 Nightmares, Memories, and Awkwardness

4th August 2011:
This was like on the complete other side of the spectrum--it was really depressing. But there were the bits of humor in it, so that as really nice that you could do that without sounding obnoxious.
I really loved the: "It sounds better when he says it."
James and Remus and Sirius have such a loving friendship. XD
But in all honesty, I love their relationship, they seem like brothers in this already, and that's so great! And Hilary, poor, poor Hilary. That was a really awful nightmare to have. D:
Great chapter though! :)

-Katherine045

Author's Response: Yeah, I wanted to add some humor to lighten it up a bit but not drastically. I'm glad you like it :D

-Levana


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Review #13, by Bookworm045 Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

4th August 2011:
Aw! Sirius is such a sweetie pie! I love him in this, I want to hug him because he's so cute and cuddly like. And Hilary. She's awesome--I loved that conversation, it was so bloody hilarious. I just wish she wouldn't hide the fact that the nightmares are affecting her, that's not healthy. But they like each other *starts singing* they liiike each other! :D
Really cute first chapter! :)

-Katherine045 (Slytherin!)

Author's Response: Thank you! This is my favorite story that I am writing! I actually got the idea on the way to the bookstore haha. :D Glad you like it!

-Levana


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Review #14, by Celtic_Dreamer7 Letters, Flashbacks, and Stupid James

4th August 2011:
I like the idea of her being mad at her sister-in-law. I hate to act like a broken record but I really would love more details, lol. I also think Hilary might not be so quick to change her mind at the end. I think she would have still been a bit angry. What did she read in the paper that caused her to have a flash back? My only major complaint is I wish it could have been a bit longer. Update soon!

~Celtic~
Slytherin

Author's Response: It's fine I welcome constructive criticism. Without it I can't get better. I'm working on my descrption skills so *crosses finger* hope my next chapter is better about that. Maybe Haley isn't so quick. She may or may not change her mind...you never know ;) Glad you like!!!

-Levana


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Review #15, by Celtic_Dreamer7 Nightmares, Memories, and Awkwardness

4th August 2011:
Ohhh. I like the details in her nightmare. I would be frightened too!! Overall its a good chapter. I do wish for more details but other than that, I really want Sirius and Hilary to confess their true feelings. I'm glad you are including all the Mauraders. Remus is my favorite!

~Celtic~
Slytherin

Author's Response: I was a bit scared myself while I was writing it haha. Yes I think my next chapter has better detail. Same here! Remus is my favorite Marauder too! :D

-Levana


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Review #16, by Celtic_Dreamer7 Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

4th August 2011:
A great start to what looks to be an interesting story. I like the relationship between the Mauraders you have going. I also like how your OC has a past and a reason behind her nightmares.

My only suggestion is to add more description. There seems to be more dialogue and not enough details. Overall a great start. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

~Celtic~
Slytherin

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you like it! And you're totally right about that. I've been trying to fix that whole problem...I always seem to have an excess of dialogue. Though I think I'm getting better. Thanks!
-Levana (Go slytherin!!)


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Review #17, by ETM Nightmares, Memories, and Awkwardness

2nd August 2011:
I'm sorry I didn't answer you sooner. I could have sworn that I sent you a review as soon as I was done reading it, but apparently not... I liked this story and I'm pretty sure I already emailed you corrections? I glanced over it and everything is good except for Hilary's dream. You're missing some commas in her quotes :D The story is really good just like all of your others. It is funny how you didn't realize who I was until you really had to think about it. I thought using my initials would be pretty easy to figure out! Lol.

Author's Response: It's okay...Also the things that I fixed won't have showed up yet because the capters are back in the validation queue. And Emma, since when have I been able to spot the obvious??

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Review #18, by ETM Letters, Flashbacks, and Stupid James

2nd August 2011:
I loved it. There especially weren't as many punctuation problems for me to fix as the other stories. Your doing a lot better! You should know that you forgot to switch from the flashback to the real life. It's all italicized in the end but it should have switched when James is asking Hilary if she's okay. keep up the good writing! I emailed you the corrections to the stories :D I wish I could think up these great story lines.

Author's Response: Aw thank you! I'm glad you like it! I'll fix the italicized problem. :D

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Review #19, by nitenel Letters, Flashbacks, and Stupid James

30th July 2011:
Yes! Some Lily action!

I liked the banter between the marauders. I feel like that's how they would've talked. However, I don't think they'd be joking around at the present moment... That's just my opinion...

Well anyways, I enjoyed it!

8/10

PS I love shoutouts! :D

Author's Response: Glad you liked it. I guess I would agree, however they actually didn't know what was going on. I also wanted to add some humor just to lighten the chapter up a bit. I mean it was a bit sad...I thought so anyway, with the flashback and all so yeah. Glad you like shout outs! People only get them if they deserve them hahaha like if they help me out! :D

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Review #20, by Lies Nightmares, Memories, and Awkwardness

24th July 2011:
I very much like this story. ^^ I hope to see more chapters (:

Author's Response: Thank you! glad you like it! I put the next chapter in the queue yesterday. :)

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Review #21, by ToReleaseMe Nightmares, Memories, and Awkwardness

24th July 2011:
I'm beginning to really like this story. Do update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you! I just put the next chapter in the queue yesterday.

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Review #22, by ETM Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

24th July 2011:
Hey! I loved this story. I couldn't help but notice though that you don't like punctuation very much :D I sent you an email fixing the mistakes if you want to look at it. I swear you could make a whole book out of your short stories. Don't stop writing!

Author's Response: Thank you thank you! I'm glad you like it and thanks for the email about the mistakes I thought I had fixed that. OMG I feel stupid I just realized who you are lol HI! :)

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Review #23, by fairytalelover3 Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

12th July 2011:
I like it. Aww Sirius is so sweet to her and i like the part about her eyes changing. Also i liked how they were arguing and about to kiss.

Author's Response: Aw thank you! I liked that part too!

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Review #24, by Hello Nightmares, Quidditch, and more Nightmares

11th July 2011:
Tis good!
Keep Writing!

Author's Response: Thank You! I also plan to keep writing.

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Review #25, by Its Obvious Nightmares, Memories, and Awkwardness

29th June 2011:
Wow its really good PLEASE keep writing its a really good story ! :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it, and of course I will keep writing it. I'm working on the next chapter now. :)

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