Hi there! Congrats on taking the brave plunge and writing your first fan fic! It's an interesting idea, and I'd like to know more about your Louis, especially since he's ended up a Hufflepuff, so unlike the rest of his family. I think you've got a good start, but I do want to give you just a couple words of advice as you continue writing.
Introductions and first lines - it's always good to grab your reader with something eye-catching or interesting in the first line or two. Beginning with a pile of books does tell us something about your character, so that's good, but on the next story you write, you can also think about what might really grab a reader, or make them wonder where you're going. The first thing that pops into my head is something like, "Louis Charles Weasley was the first member of the Weasley clan to ever be sorted into Hufflepuff (or you can put a date, like - in the last 40 years or something...)" Or "Louis was quite a shock to his family when he, as the youngest of the entire Weasley clan, turned out to be its only Hufflepuff." Or you could start with the mention/description of Louis listening to his quill reading the essay back to him. That was really interesting to me, because we've seen those kinds of recording quills, but we've never seen them, in canon, reading something back to us, so I liked your technological advancement! Anyway, I'm not suggestion that your change or re-write the beginning, but trying to give some ideas for next time, when you open a new story. (o:
Talking to your reader - using side notes and parentheses, while some authors do this, can often distract your readers from the story you're telling or how you're telling it. It becomes unclear to us whether there's a narrator, or whether we're directly in Louis's mind, hearing about Alice's history from his thoughts, or from yours. Shifting these kinds of narration can be really jarring, unless it's done really well for a special effect. Another way to write that bit about Alice, for example, can be something simple. Instead of, "(Now would probably be a perfect time to mention...)" which makes the reader unsure of whether this is you or Louis talking, you can simply put in something like, "Louis had known Alice since they were 15 years old / had been flatmates for 8 months, and her dad was none other than Neville Longbottom, Professor etc..." OR "Louis had first met Alice in second year when her father, Professor Neville Longbottom had embarrassed her in front of their whole second-year class... etc"
These are just ideas or suggestions, for other ways to do story-telling, but the most important thing is to write, write, write, and always to write what's fun and interesting for you. Good luck, and well done on creating an interesting character that makes a reader want to know what your plans are for him! Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your review, as requested. I'm so sorry for the delay. I have a bad habit of not checking the thread!
I thought that this was actually very well written. I like your style of writing, and I never would have guessed this was your first fanfiction.
I could not see any spelling or grammatical errors, so well done for that :)
I like the character that you give Louis, too. To be honest, I dont think there is anything to give a criticism on. Except that it is a little bit short, however, this did not take away from the story. :)
Very good start
Leanne :)Author's Response: that's okay, everyone's forgetful.
thank you so much for such a lovely review, i'm amazed that there's nothing to give criticism on really. the shortness is really because nothing really happened in this chapter apart from setting everything up. Report Review
Hi! BrightStar here with your review!
Really interested in your story and where it goes! When chapter 2 goes up I'd like to review, if you'd care to rerequest :)
Coherence: General writing such as spelling and grammar were great, thats always important. The flow was only interrupted by your input, for example (by the way... or this is irrelevant background). I didnt think these were neccessary, but then you could say they add a certain playfulness to the story, it depends on your own tastes and preferences.
Characters: I like Louis, its hard to imagine why you wouldnt - seems nice, thoughtful, friendly, etc. I also feel sorry for him because of the pressure he's under. I like Alice, and hope to see her more!
Context: This is a biggie for me, and you certainly didnt disapoint. Louis is a "next gen kid" - as the name suggests, hes defined by the generation before, and you dealt with this excellently with the house differences and everything else.
Credibility: Very believable, especially because you put it into context really well.
A very enjoyable read, and a very impressive first attempt. Just trust in your ability, thats the only advice I have. The potential is already there :)Author's Response: thank you!
the brackets thing is a bad habit i've picked up from roleplaying and one that i'm trying to break.
i'm glad you like Louis and Alice, unfortunately she disappears a little over the next two chapters but she'll be around :)
i'm so happy it all came over to you (and i'll be sure to re-request) Report Review
Hey there! Here to review ;)
I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter! It has the beginnings of a great story I would love to read more of!
You have a brilliant intro, the description and deetail of the explainations were divine and lovely to read. A lot of authors forget we need detail and it was lovely to see that for a change!
I love Alice :) she's such a great character and you write her really well here :)
You're flow is wonderful, I don't know what you were worried about if I'm totally honest! In fact, it flows so well you actually pull the reader through the chapter and leave them not wanting to stop!
There's only one thing I would change in this story and that has to be that there would be another chapter waiting for me! Please update and then come to re-request reviews! I really like the way this story is going and would love to read more :)Author's Response: thank you so much, you've made me so happy reading this!!!
i'm glad you like Alice, she's so different to her parents that i was a little worried about her.
the second chapter's almost ready so i'll be sure to re-request once it's up.
thank you (again) Report Review
This is quite good for a first fic my only note would be for things like this
(But all of this is really by-the-by and not really all that relevant so Iíll leave the rest of the history at the wayside.) I think it distracts from the story a bit, if you want to make family history clearer you could put an authors note at the beginning of the chapter ;)
other than that I really liked it. I shall be watching this to see where it goes.Author's Response: THANK YOU!
also i do know what you mean about that, I've got in a really bad habit of breaking the fourth wall of late and I'm trying to get out of it - in the next chapters I'm much better at resisting the urge Report Review
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