HarryPotterFanfiction.com :: 80,000 Harry potter stories and podcasts

Reading Reviews for The Girl Next Door

2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by NymphadoraLupin

Traintracks

23rd July 2011:

More more more!! This was wonderful

Report Review

Review #2, by sidlicide

Number 11 Grimmauld Place

15th July 2011:

This story has a lot of potential.

It's clear and well-written, the plot - although common - has started somewhere unique, and overall it has the beginnings of something that could become something quite good.

However, I have a suggestion which would help to improve the flow of the story. You should try to stick with just one point-of-view, especially in chapters that are short or mainly dialogue. I know you may have wanted to convey to us how uneasy Nora's parents were about Sirius' family and upbringing, but there are ways of doing so without needing to change the point-of-view.

And another little thing that bothered me was that 'is' in the last sentence. You generally shouldn't change the tense within a single chapter, much less within a single sentence, unless you are doing so for stylistic reasons which I believe you may have been doing here. It's distracting, though.

Sorry if this sounds kind of harsh, but I really do believe this has a lot of potential and I just want to help make it better. Keep writing, and good luck!

Report Review

If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login