I love this chapter! Report Review
I'm so sorry that it has taken me this long to get to your review, but alas I am here.
In my review thread you asked me to focus on characterization, plot, pacing, and in general what I thought of this chapter. To start off, I thought that your characterization was great. I loved seeing a different side of Rose, someone who loves her brother so much and feels so bad for what happened to him and blaming herself for it. I thought it was really original to have Hugo as a werewolf so that was great as well. I felt so bad during the flashback when she was so scared she couldn't get herself to move or do anything. I thought that it was very in character and real. As for the plot, being only in the first chapter I can't make a big call on that but I do feel that this is original, having the two off looking for a plant for a cure to being a werewolf. Pacing, I also can't make much of a call on other than what I saw in this chapter and I thought it was great. It wasn't too fast or slow, and as an adventure it was great, the action had me going a bit and hoping that nothing bad would happen. I really enjoyed it! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Sorry to not be able to offer a review more helpful, but the latin saying is actually "per se" rather than "per say". "Per" means "though" and "se" means "his/her/its self". So "per se" translates to "through itself". Report Review
Why haven't updated yet?? :( Report Review
Hey there! I'm going to ask you to think back in your memory a bit here, but quite a long time ago (four months, I've I'm utterly honest) you requested a review from me over on the forums. Having been bogged down with exams and general life I... well, obviously I haven't got round to it until this point... but, here I am!
First I'm going to go through the small picky bit of the chapter in a beta-esque way (as you've been waiting for four months, I might as well make an effort). so, this line Not that his sister would ever bother to admit they were lost though. felt a bit awkward to me and I thought let down the lines before it. I think it would be better if you took out the 'though' at the end - it makes the sentence feel clumsy.
...stared down at him with coffee tinted eyes, centers of which were a very scary dark chocolate.
I think you just need a the before the word centers for it to make sense :)
apparited its apparated, I believe.
Okay, enough of the nitty gritty stuff. So this is a really interesting set up here and I'm certainly interested about a lot of points. I really liked the characterisation of Rose in this actually, her dogged single mindeness and stuborness - definitely could see bits of Ron and Hermione in her. Same with Hugo, actually. Him not working well on an empty stomach really amused me - usually when authors throw that in when referencing Ron or Hugo it seems a little forced and overdone, but this felt just right to me.
Also, although I like to think Malfoy changed a lot from the end of the last book... well, I thought he sounded a lot like Lucius does in some of the books. That was very believable too and, altogether, I was really impressed with the charactersiation in this!
Plot! Ack. I'm interested on this front defnitely. You've definitely got me bloody curious. So many questions to which I would gladly have you answer slowly and probably in a shocking and incredible order. There did seem to be quite a lot introduced in one chapter (so this would be boraching the gap towards talking about pacing too, I suppose) which was good as it really pulled my interest in. But, saying that, there can be too much for a good thing. The think with first chapters (and even prologues) is that they need to be finely balance: nothing happens and I'm not interestedl, everything happens and I'm overwhlemed. For example, I didn't think the flashback was needed. I liked the idea of dark magic needing a sacrifice (nice) but, well, for one i thought it was a bit illogical for her to let Malfoy knew she was aware of that and I thought you should have left the section at 'She would know' and not included the flashbacks.
Flashbacks are really helpful, but I thought it felt a bit heavy handed - especially in a first chapter - and I thought it's inclusion was quite a crude way of relaying the information. I prefered hearing about Hugo's werewolf bite (ohmygosh, I loved that by the way) through Malfoy being like 'HE BIT ME' and talking about the plant - leaving the attack to imagination, I think, would have been more interesting at this point.
I also though this was quite long for a prologue but, at the same timme, it was interesting and engaging and entirely readbable and I really enjoying reading it. Couple of errorrs, but nothing majour, and I love your characterisation, your dialogue and the plot itself.
Feel free to rerequest if you so wish.
Thanks for writing!
-AC Report Review
Finally finished what you have!
I like your storytelling. It has a very natural flow about it and you wrote some great lines of dialogue that call back some funny points (Rita's article). Like I said before, I think you characterize Hugo and rose's relationship really well and I find their back and forth to be organic and natural. I'm also very fond of Urban and his character. Cold, hard, and ambiguous, Urban has an air of mystery that makes him a compelling OC.
As far as the plot, you have a lot of gears going but I don't think you want to drag the mystery out for too long. You leave a lot of helpful hints about what the trio were trying to do but I'm having trouble focusing on the scope of the story. How large do you want to make this? What are everyone's goals? It's good to have mystery but sometimes it seems like things are just happening without a cause.
I think the flashbacks work a lot better here and flow better into the story. Whereas, before, they would jar me out of the setting, they now explain things that need to be known.
Keep up the good work and feel free to rerequest' Report Review
Me again. Wow, I'm flying through my reading today. :]
Characterization: I think you kept both Rose and Hugo really consistent in this chapter. Rose, I actually felt bad for! She's going through something really difficult. But I actually understand where Urban's coming from in his reasoning. I don't think imprisoning people is a good idea, but I understand what he's going for--the situation isn't as easy at it seems. And Rose needs to learn that. Hugo, on the other hand, is almost TOO trusting...and Snape is alive! I'm interested to see where his character will go.
Descriptions: I think you caught the essence of the chase in this chapter, and how upset Rose was, but I didn't get too many other descriptions. There was something brief about Snape, but that's about it. I would have liked more on the setting.
Emotions: This was on the fence for me. I liked that I could tell that Rose hated what she had to do with her job, but I almost felt like she would have been more sad. I liked her anger with Urban, though. It made a lot of sense for what was going on.
Plot: Okay! Well, I was surprised to see Greyback in this chapter! He would be like...ninety! He's definitely really old, that's for sure. And I just thought of the fact that Dawlish is getting really old too...huh. I liked that something action-packed happened in this chapter, though. That was cool. :] And I think things are really moving along. Now we've got something going on with Snape! I wonder what the heck that is. And I'm still curious with where Harry is and how Scorpius is going to end up in this story. We'll see as I read on.
Interactions: Well...it's still very obvious that Rose isn't really "one" of the Aurors, even though she's part of their group. She's still an outsider. And her anger with Urban made for an interesting scene. And, of course, her relationship with Hugo is still good. I completely forgot she was supposed to be with Scorpius until this chapter...I wonder when he'll show up! And good job with the Snape scene. I wonder why he's acting so nice...he never liked Harry...
You're doing well. Rose is still a little annoying to me since she's so off-her-rocker, but that's all right, I suppose. I'm very interested in the plot at this point, though. I'll read more soon!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Snape become VERY important but I won't say anything on him now. He was pivotal to the actual series and is now to this story as well. I love him and he's got a lot fo secrets Rose and Hugo have not uncovered yet.
One the most difficult things for Rose as a child was watcing her brother be taken away and imprisoned so she has a LOT of rage for her occupation and Urban (and the world in general maybe) and a lot she needs to grow, overcome, and accept. She has to do a difficult thing and now she feels very torn about whether it was right and that there are no easy answers ;). I know she hasn't come full circle, but hope atleast she's less of a Mary Sue at this point.
I won't say anything about the mystery as to not spoil it. Everything will be explained eventually. Scorpius shows up in the last chapter I have out now...at the very end, and it's not pretty ;) Rose doesn't exactly tend to make the best first impression with people.
I was wondering if you could hold off reviewing on the next chapter because I've submitted a revised version and it'll take a few days for it to be validated. The old one is not that different, but I've added some scene stuff.
Thanks again! :) Report Review
Hey, it's me again. I think this is definitely your best chapter so far!
Characterization: I really liked how protective Rose was in this chapter, and I love that we got the flashback to explain why she became an Auror to begin with. She's strongwilled, and I like that. :] Hugo's also very well-written in this chapter. He's still a kid and you show that. That's good! Also, I like Tabor. ;] But maybe only because I see him as having potential to make Rose a human being, haha. Draco was better in this chapter. I thought he would have been more haughty, but perhaps things have changed...
Descriptions: I think you did a great job of describing a lot of things in this chapter. The flashbacks were very vivid. I could see Rose struggling to be the best at what she was doing, even though she was grossly under-qualified. And I really liked the descriptions while Hugo was a wolf. Great job.
Emotions: Okay, I liked that Rose felt guilty about leaving Hugo, that makes a lot of sense. I'm still a little confused as to why she's so distant from her fellow Aurors, though. She just writes them off, whereas I would think she would have some form of comraderie with them. Odd. I liked Draco's frustration with the Death Eaters being in his house. Draco is one of my favorite canon characters, so I'm glad he got his "moment" in this chapter.
Plot: Well! A lot happened in this chapter. We've got Rose's flashbacks, which I mentioned that I liked. I think it was actually good for Urban to push her that much. He needed to be sure she wanted it enough and for the right reasons. The determination that it flared in Rose is really important, in my opinion. Then we've got Hugo's transformation--not as important to the plot, but important to his character. I liked that you mentioned that he was embarassed by the whole thing. And we've also got something with Draco! Yay, Draco! I think you did better with his character in this chapter, though he wasn't as angry or arrogant as I would think he would be. I liked that he threw out the Death Eaters. And I'm interested to see what he was talking about with Harry (who, as we know, faked his death). Really interesting! And, last but not least, we've got the Aurors chasing after a werewolf. That's bound to complicate the story. I'm glad you have so much going on, and I just hope I can keep it all straight as I read on. I think you're developing an interesting story.
Interactions: Good job with the sibling relationship between Rose and Hugo, again. They're still very good in that department. I also liked Tabor's hopeless flirting. I hope Rose gives him a chance! And I LOVED Draco throwing out the Death Eaters. I wonder, though, why he didn't fight harder against crazy Aunt Bellatrix...hm.
I think you're starting to give us a very interesting story. If readers can accept the unlikely premise of such a young Auror, I think their interest will be captured if they can get to this chapter. Good job! I'll read more soon!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Things are finally beginning coming out in this chapter and I'm glad Rose is becoming a little better for you. I get that she's not exactly likeable but I hoped it would be percieved as a flaw and not as a Mary Sue. I really did not want her to be a Mary Sue. She'd nowhere near perfect hopefully, cause that'd be boring.
The best thing about writing Rose and Hugo is that they're opposites to write but always manage to find some common ground. Hugo tends to bring out the best in her, or the 'soft' side. She'd very cold, and harsh and sometimes downright mean and arrogant but she needs to be to survive in her setting. And she's been though a lot so she'd kind of closed off and stoic at times. Not the nicest girl :). I like Tabor but I don't see Rose giving him a chance anytime soon sorry. She's too self important heh. Well...maybe, we'll see.
I'm still working on Draco and will try to summon his haughtiness better as it goes. he turns worse (or better, i guess) as the chapters go but you also get more backstory into why he's doing what he is. He's one of my favorites too ;) Report Review
It's me again!
Plot: Okay, so this was an interesting chapter! The plot is really moving along. I'm interested to see what's going on with Harry. And this new guy, Tabor. Hmm, seems he likes Rose. We'll see where that goes. And I liked that we got more information about Draco and Scorpius. I, for one, LIKE Draco. So...we'll see where that goes too.
Characterization: Okay, so Rose is consistent. I like that she's still going against authority, even though if she gets caught, she'll probably be in trouble. Though, from what I've seen so far, she never seems to get in trouble...Hmm. And I like that Hugo is more...human, than Rose. He misses his parents and he tries to keep her in line, even though she's a very free spirit. That's a cool contrast. Let's see...I liked Tabor. I thought he was really sweet. And Urban is consistently obnoxious, haha. Well done. Draco, though, wasn't too believable. At one point, he says something like, "Gee, son" which just sounds ridiculous. And his excuses weren't very believable. He's a Slytherin, for goodness sakes! They're known to be cunning.
Descriptions: There was a lot happening in this chapter, so I'm not positive what was and wasn't described. I liked the description of that giant room with the files, but I didn't see much of a description of Tabor, if I remember correctly. If you could just balance things out by describing things in detail, it would help a lot.
Emotions: Okay, so I saw that Hugo missed his parents which I liked a lot. He's still a kid, and he's very believable. Rose is very stoic, so it's often hard to see what she's feeling, but that's not a completely awful thing. Draco seemed a bit too panicky.
Other Plot Points: I thought it was very interesting that Scorpius wants to meet Rose and Hugo. He calls them "heroes," though. Why on Earth would they be considered heroes? And how old is Scorpius supposed to be? Shouldn't he be Rose's age? He seems much, much younger the way you're writing him...
Interactions: Of course, we've got Rose mouthing off to Urban. Not surprising, but well-written. And Rose and Hugo. They're always good, it seems. I like the way you write their sibling relationship. Draco and Scorpius were a little awkward, though, as I mentioned. Scorpius seems like a little kid, and Draco seems nervous and jumpy around his own son. Weird.
Overall, this was a good chapter. I think you've got things down-pat. We'll see what the next chapter has to hold ASAP.
--EmilyAuthor's Response: I'm sorry about taking so long to respond. You always have a lot of insight so I really like your reviews :)
First I want to say I started writing this like last august and then there was a pause in updates and now I'm back, so I will probably go through and edit quite a bit because my writing style as improved since these beginning chapters. Sorry for the rant :)
I'm surprised that you didn't like Draco in this because my intent was to show a 'caring' side to him, I figured if there was one person he would be soft hearted with it'd be his son, but maybe I fudged that up. It was supposed to be a little awkward as Draco's horrible at lying to his son and Scorpius kind of acknowledges he'd being lied to but never says anything. It's kind of a awkward understanding and bound to lead to complications later. I didn't mean to make Scorpius sound so young, but he is relatively naive about what's going on at this point. He doesn't officially enter the story until a few chapters on so I didn't say much about him but he does later become important. Also I'll try to do a better job on Draco. I like him too ;)
Also, don't worry. Rose definitely gets into trouble..and already has (but eh, that's spoiling (; ) I'm glad things become more interesting now---the beginning chapters were abit boring anyway. Report Review
Incredibly sorry for taking so long! But the mystery in this chapter is intriguing. Hm...Harry alive? We shall seeAuthor's Response: it's totally fine. It's summer ;). Everybody should get to relax.The story's only going to get more mysterious from here :). Thanks for reading though! Hope I hear from you soon! Report Review
Hello there! It's me again. Sorry for the delay between chapters.
Continuity Issue: When Rose is getting the books from the shelves, you say Hugo is eight years old, then a few lines later, it says he's seven. :P
Plot: I really want to start off here in this review. I'm finally seeing something really distinctive coming together. Obviously, there's more to this story than I thought at the beginning. This chapter has really sparked my interest as to what's happening in Rose and Hugo's world and why. Great job here. I finally have a framework to see where we're going. :]
Characterization: Okay! Well, I'm starting to understand Rose better. It's interesting to learn that she never went to Hogwarts--that Hogwarts has been shut down! And I'm starting to see how she's learned so much, so fast. She is Hermione's daughter, after all. Now, there's the only problem I had with this chapter. Hermione is a fighter. She's brave, not a coward. It's very uncharacteristic for her to want to hide her magic and run away from the world that gave her so much. And I don't think that she ever would have wanted that. I think she's much too strong to hide that part of herself away. Hm. :/
Descriptions: I've mentioned my detail-rant before, haha. Remember--how do things look, smell, sound, and feel. It'll bring things to life, I promise!
Emotions: I'm glad that I could see Hugo's fear and panic and sadness when he and Rose left their parents behind. That was very poignant to me. I was surprised Rose was as strong as she was though. She's only eleven in the memory! But overall, I think you did a good job showing their curiosity, and later Hugo's panic.
Interactions: I liked that I could tell that Rose was always the dominant personality between her and Hugo. She was the one urging him on, being the older sibling. I liked that. And I thought the conversation between Rose and Ron was really good. He knew what was happening, but he made sure she would be safe. QUESTION: why didn't Ron and Hermione just take the kids and run? Rose and Hugo would have been FAR better off with their parents than alone...
Pacing: It's interesting to me that now is the time we get this back-story. I almost feel that more readers would be grabbed by this story if this explanation came earlier. I'm glad you've finally helped me understand what's happening, but I almost feel like it's happening too late.
Flow: Good job working the memories into the plot of this chapter. I really felt like the present day and the flashbacks meshed well. I'm interested to see what happens next.
I'll read more soon. Keep up the good work!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: I'm glad it's sparked your interest :). It was never really just about werewolves and finding a cure. There is a very important mystery involving the Golden Trio and the past, which I kind of brought up in this chapter. I'll go through and fix the contnuity issues.
I don't think Hermione was being a coward in this chapter, she just wanted to protect her kids and family. But it is extreme and there is a reason why she behaves this way.
Your question, hmm...I can't answer at this point but I bet Rose and Hugo wondered the same thing ;). Don't worry, everything will be answered eventually. Thanks for reading again! Report Review
The writing is very good, and I like how you've formed the characters. Originals stick well to how J.K. had them and Harry's development is cool. The clue dropping is good, it's not obvious or excruciatingly slow. There are enough normal scenes to balance out the suspicious plot, but they aren't overpowering. I like it, but I really want to know more. And kind of would prefer more Rose and Scorpius than Rose and Tabor. Keep writing!Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it and it's keeping your interest. Don't worry, there WILL be ScoRose. Like, Starting next chapter. Which I will have up soon. :)
Hope you take the time to review again! I'd appreciate it :) Report Review
Hello there! It's me again. :]
Grammar/Spelling/Formatting: Okay, so, I noticed a couple of comma errors, but nothing awful. Commas are hard for a lot of people, don't worry. :] As for formatting--in the beginning of the chapter during the flashback, you separate the memory with these things: ~~~ But there are several times when they aren't necessary and they just break up the flow. You aren't changing setting or time or anything, so they're just disruptive to the memory-scene. Just a thought. :]
Characterization: Okay, so I'm taking your advice and just giving you the benefit of the doubt with the premise of this story. So, let's assess Rose from that angle--she's actually all right. I understand her motivations. She wants her brother to be cured. That makes sense. And she's headstrong, which isn't a bad quality. The only thing in this chapter that I really had a hard time accepting was the fact that she learned to cast a Patronus at seven years old...that's crazy! So...as you know, her basis is still pretty unbelievable, but that's the last time I'll mention it. :]
Descriptions: Okay, I think you could still amp these up. I'd like to know how things look, sound, smell, feel, etc. It will really help bring the story to life.
Emotions: I think you did a good job when Rose was trying to defend Hugo from the Aurors. Well done! And I'm really upset that the Trio is dead. :[ I wonder what happened to them. There had to be some SERIOUSLY powerful Dark wizards to take out the three strongest fighters of their day. I was surprised that Harry was dead as well. Wow...sad. :/
Plot: Okay, so now we're gonna see what Rose's next plan is. You're keeping intrigue up with readers wondering what Bellatrix is planning, so that's good. I'm interested to see where this story goes.
Interactions: I was surprised that Rose was so disrespectful with Urban. He IS her boss, after all, and he did give her the chance to be an Auror, despite her young age. I thought she would be more grateful towards him. Hmm...
Okay, things are moving along nicely! I think you're doing a pretty good job. I'll read more soon.
--EmilyAuthor's Response: I'll fix the patronus bit. Yeah, I get its ridiculous and I agree. Sorry, been a while since I've visited this chappie :). I'll also go through and remove the unnecessary breaks.
With Rose being disrespectful, well, they have a complicated relationship. I don't want to say much about Ron and Hermione because there are a lot fo secrets in their story and I don't wanna give anything away, but you're on the right track. I appreciate the review again! Report Review
Hello there! It's me again.
Okay, first off, let's hit some continuity issues: the first sentence of this chapter doesn't make any sense...Also, Hugo wouldn't be "petrified" and have to have a mandrake draught from being hit with a petrificus totalus spell. That's one of the easiest spells Harry learns in the Sorceror's Stone. So...he would be able to be un-charmed VERY easily. It's not the same as being actually petrified. :]
Grammar/Spelling: I saw a few errors in the chapter that I'm sure you could catch if you read through. They weren't awful, but they were there. :]
Characterization: Okay...well. I'm still having a very hard time accepting the "sixteen-year-old-Auror" plotline. And now it's been revealed that she's been an Auror since she was THIRTEEN. Even Harry-freaking-Potter was of age when he became an Auror. She never would have had the skill-set to pass the entrance exams, and I'm fairly certain there's also training she had to go through...and, well, it's just not very believable, to be honest. Additionally, the Ministry wouldn't have sent Hugo to AZKABAN for being bitten by a werewolf when he was like...eleven. That's not a crime. :P
Descriptions: I think you covered Rose's recovery pretty well. I also liked that you threw in details about where Draco went after the attack.
Emotions: I can tell that Rose is protective of Hugo, but I didn't really see that she had any sadness about her parents being dead. I don't think it would be that easy to handle loss at such a young age.
Plot: Okay, well, I was surprised that Bellatrix was alive, but I can handle it for this story. I wonder what she has up her sleeve! And Ron and Hermione are dead? Wow. I wonder what happened to them. I hope that's explained soon. I've mentioned above that the premise of this story is a bit unbelievable, but maybe things will make more sense as the story goes on.
Interactions: I thought it was interesting that the other Aurors treated Rose like a comrade, even though she's...probably half their age. I would think they would be more realistic and treat her like a child, and one that doesn't belong there at that.
Well, we'll see where things go from here. I'll read more ASAP!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: GAH! I can't believe I didn't notice the petrify-spell mistake thing! THANK YOU SO MUCH for pointing that out. I will definitely go back and fix it! :)
Premise, as I said, will have to be taken with a grain of salt. Rose is very good at magic and yeah she did go through training which is shown/referred back to in...chapter 4-5ish.
The Aurors do pick on Rose like a little girl probably but they've also been with her for 3 years so they have also gotten used to her :).
They are still very upset about their parents and a lot fo things and I realize I didn't cover them all in this chapter but there is definite sadness. and both Rose and Hugo have different ways of dealing with them.
Thanks for pointing things out. It's been a while since I read through the beginning chapters and I need to edit them a lot. Hopefully will get to it this summer :) Report Review
Hi DistantGalaxy with your requested review!
You've got a really interesting start. You write really well and in a way that captures the readers interest. And you also have a good ability of describing the scene well.
I think you should consider italicizing the quote at the very beginning and also placing it in the center.
The spacing is quite odd between your sentences. I think that a lot of your phrases can be grouped together in proper paragraphs rather than being spaced apart as separate paragraphs for just one phrase.
You've certainly developed the characters nicely, their characterization is awesome. I already have a sense of wheat they are like and how they interact with each other.
I'm really intrigued as to where the plot is going to take us! Great job and an awesome start :)Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review and yes, the prologue needs ot be edited quite bit.
The spacing is SO annoying, but yeah, I will go back and do that.
Thanks again! Report Review
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D It's actually been quite a while since you requested these reviews, but my slots were full, so I had to delay reading this until I had spots open. Anyway...let's go over things:
Characterization: Okay, so you've got Rose who's hell-bent on curing her brother, and Hugo who's still a kid and shouldn't have to deal with any of this anyway. Now...I'm already seeing an issue with Rose. She's treaded into Mary-Sue land. She's an orphan or something? And she's somehow an Auror...at sixteen. Which is impossible. And she can do magic that's too advanced for her age. AND she is somehow able to apparate...under age. And just...you see the trend? Mary-Sue land. :/
Descriptions: I think you definitely did a good job describing the marsh and the fight scene. Great job.
Emotions: I got a real clue-in with Hugo's youth when he was getting frustrated and upset about being in the swamp. Good job with those little details. They help with the emotionality of the chapter and the characterization.
Plot: Well, I've seen a few stories around where Hugo is a werewolf; we'll see if yours is unique! I'm not too fond of the Mary-Sue aspects listed above, but maybe they will become believable in the future. And what on Earth is Draco doing in this chapter? Death Eaters no longer exist, sooo?
Interactions: Well, I was a little put-off by how confident Rose is as an "auror" (even though she's a child), and how she interacted with Draco and the people who were trying to kill her. She was confident to the point of cockiness. I wasn't overly fond of that.
So far, you aren't doing poorly. I'll read more soon and we'll see where this story goes. :]
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hey there, thanks for taking the time to do the review. I do appreciate it. A lot of what you mention is the implausability of the premise, which I suppose I understand but...its fan-fiction? Nothing in the Harry Potter series is really based on realistic events on anything near (a boy having magical powers?). I agree the plot is pretty out there but as fantasy, I reckon stranger things have been written ;).
You mention that Rose is a Mary Sue and I must say that had NEVER occured to me while writing. She is very good at magic at her age but really, (hopefully), I think that's about it. She does have flaws (like her cockiness and attitude, which you noticed and several other things that will have a significant effect). Hopefully as you read you may change your mind about this but if it pertains, maybe you can give me some tips on how to make her less MAry sue? :)
Most of what you're wondering is answered in upcoming chapters and I really do appreciate you reading this and offering INSIGHTFUL advice. :) Hopefully you might like it more as you read? If not, I still appreciate the read. It's been a while since I've written this story and I do need to go back and edit things. Report Review
Hi there! Kwan with your review request.
I'll be dropping off a review at the end of the 11 chapters (or a chapter where I feel the need to say something urgent). So far, I like the characters of this story. Rose and Hugo are well defined and the mystery surrounding her dark magic to revive Hugo from the werewolf attack. Your opening scene as they stomp through the bog is particularly well done, capturing their characters in just a few keystrokes. Your action scenes are also well written and you're not afraid to use unconventional fighting methods (Hugo biting Draco) that suit the character.
The parallel story line of Draco is always interesting as it ties in remnants of everyone's past (Bellatrix). I hope she's not trying to resurrect Voldemort! That was my first thought since she wanted Rose and Hugo. Perhaps she wants to know how Rose brought Hugo back.
The minor problem I have, and it's especially evident in this chapter, is the use of flashbacks. It's difficult to create a concrete timeline in my head as it jumps back and forth like this. Little details and character developments, especially to Urban, are helpful, but it becomes confusing when there's so much jumping around. It might be preferred to just write it in past tense instead of inserting the reader into the flashback.
That's all I got for now, reading on!Author's Response: You're definitely on the right track with the dark magic stuff, but NO magic can bring someone back to life. Even Dumbledore said that. Rose used it to 'save' her brother from the clutches of dead and that will become more and more important as the story goes on. However, there's more going on than is evident as this point.
I see what you mean about confusing flashbacks. There's just so much backstory that it was hard to get it all out. I will look back into revising those. Hopefully the next couple chapters read a bit easier though.
I'm not usually much of an Action-fic sort of reader, but this was enjoyable. I think you did a good job of setting up the plot of this story --Rose on the hunt to cure her brother, Hugo the Werewolf (which I have to say I haven't seen done often), some dark past of dark magic, and of course a Malfoy antagonist. Your sense of describing a scene is pretty solid. I felt that when they were splashing through the mud that I was there in the lagoon. That being said, there were some inconsistencies that popped up as I was reading. The first is in the age of you characters. Numerous times you referred to Rose's job and her boss, but then you mention that she's 16. You have her performing magic in the middle of the lagoon even though she's not of age, and you have her do something drastic as an 11 year old. All of these things are fine and dandy if you have later explain them, but from what I've read in this chapter alone, it seems a bit incongruent. Stylistically, I think I want to point out that the tone of this story meshed with the description is great until you try to lighten the mood with a funny thought by one of your characters. I just want to let you know that it's okay not to be funny. What you've written here is a pretty dark, action intent scene and you write that really well!! Don't feel obligated to include the currently popular pop!quirky humour.
I think you have the makings of an interesting, well written story here. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks for the review and I'll certainly take your advice into consideration :) Report Review
Haha I was wondering when Scorpius would meet Rose. I have to say again, this story is amazing. I love all the action and mystery, it's not just some romance story and I can't tell you how much I love that. Not many Rose/Scorpius stories that are out there have as many plotlines like this one. I LOVE it. I miss the Golden trio of course, and I'm anxious to see where Harry is. I want him to redeem himself. GAH. Please update soon!!Author's Response: Aww thanks so much! Your review means a lot to me! I'll try to update as soon as possible with finals and all.
hehe it took 11 chapters for Rose to finally meet Scorpius. I'm excited to write how their relationship develops from this point on. There are a bunch of surprises along the way which I hope you enjoy. As for Harry Potter, well, we'll see about that ;)
Come back next chapter to review again! Report Review
I am so intrigued by this story. My heart breaks that the Golden Trio is gone, and the fact that Rose and Hugo are left on their own. Though I'm left wondering where are the rest of the family? Dead as well? But I'm so glad to see the family bond between Rose and Hugo. I've been wanting to see a story that has something like that. Anyway, I'm about to keep reading! I just wanted to stop for a moment and mention how well written and amazing this story is so far!Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm really glad you like it! Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ): Also, since slots weren't technically open at the time--you were request number nine, I believe-- technically this shouldn't be on my reviewing list, but what do you know, I'm a sucker for next-gen. ^^
I think it was a good decision for me to decide to review, because honestly, I thought your story concept is one of the most unique I've seen.
However, with all unique stories there comes the danger of being *too* strange that it passes the border between quirky and interesting in a good way, and just plain hard-to-believe. This story, I think, seems to be a bit AU with Bella and Snape still being alive and Draco still a Death-eater, but those are points that can easily be dealt with; they make for interesting plot twists. However, there are some points that can make the normal skeptic look twice; for example, if the flashback happened two years ago when Rose was eleven, does that mean she was a sixteen-year-old Auror? This seems highly unlikely, since even the great Harry Potter, who defeated Voldemort countless times, had to wait until he was of age. Also, it is noted that Harry Potter is Head Auror while Albus and Rose first started Hogwarts, and yet you mention another name. Though it's possible that hemight have quit sometime in the last few years, it seems unlikely, especially with folks like Malfoy and Bellatrix still at large.
Another thing that sheds some doubt is that Hugo, who is at last two years younger if you looked at the epilogue closely, was even attending Hogwarts, and in the forbidden forest, with eleven-year-old Rose. I know this sounds extremely nitpicky, but every great story is comprised of small details, and it's best to keep with consistency. Even if you would still like to keep these, I thought I'd bring them to light as further explanations are needed to keep the level of believability, whether it be in this chapter or the next (as I understand that in prologues, us writers don't like to reveal much ;) ).
I really liked how you portrayed the close relationship between Rose and Hugo, and her sense of protection towards him. This revealed a lot about their characteristics. I thought the humorous aspects provided a nice bit of comic relief, too.
And the way that you threw us into the action instead of just listing introductionsalso earns brownie points since it makes the prose more interesting and less mundane. My interest is really peaked to know more about those Death Eater delinquents and the answers to my questions. xD
You didn't specifically request grammar/errors, but by now I'm going into a more general overall review, and since I'm so much of a grammar Nazi I thought I'd point out a few mistakes I saw anyway:
+ "Rose" Hugo whined (This is an incorrectly-formatted dialogue tag--there should be a comma after 'Rose'.)
+ There was a weird little smudge in the distance she thought looked like it could've been a tree. (This is a run-on sentence; you could seperate the two clauses by either putting a semicolon or period between 'distance' and 'she'.)
The mistakes weren't too major, but they occured frequently enough to disrupt the flow of the story, so perhaps you should consider an edit or enlist the help of a beta. :) Another thing that disrupted the flow was the awkward formatting, which a quick edit should fix up in no time.
Overall, this was a great read. Unfortunately, I'm closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but thank you for requesting your story. ♥
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
Thanks for another chapter! There were quite a few developments in this one. I don't think Draco is ready to give in yet, since he still has Scorpius, so I'm trying to figure out his master plan. Also, I'm not sure I think Hugo's hatred of all things green (save Mint icecream) is entirely believable but certainly funny. What's the age difference between Tabor and Rose, because I'm definately a ScoRose fan but I'm torn between laughing at Tabor or feeling sorry for him?
It was a really good twist with Scorpius since the readers knew who he was, nice use of dramatic irony there. I hope Rose and Hugo get more interaction with people there age as it's interesting to see how Rose reacts to nopeople her age and her and Scorpius in the lift was priceless.
Once again I loved it; nice blend of suspense and humour and I can't wait for more!
TaniaAuthor's Response: Yay! You reviewed again!
Everyone's got a master plan, don't worry ;), it just depends on who'll win out. Tabor, he's an absolute blast; Rose...poor Rose. Or should I say poor Tabor, he just can't say no to her. I'm glad you feel sorry for him, seeing as Rose certainly doesn't (he's 19 btw, 3 years older than her).
Rose and Hugo will definitely be seeing more of Scorpius around and people their age (although there's still a LONG way to go before anything takes a turn for ScoRose).
Be sure to review again next chapter!
Hey! Apocalypse here with another review!
I'd like to start off by mentioning the fact that there was a LOT of improvement in this chapter. This was way more organized than your previous chapters. The paragraphing was very well done. You established just the right balance between the flash backs and the present and you didn't go overboard with the weightage of either one of the aspects. I could see much more material in this chapter as compared to the previous one. Good job! =)
My interest was maintained throughout the chapter. I think that your writing quality has improved a lot; practice makes it perfect, after all. =) I really liked the details regarding their past; the time they'd spent with their parents. And I'm glad you didn't drag it much; you just mentioned the parts which had a certain relation with the present or your plot. Or else it might have gotten a bit boring and irrelevant.
Both Hermione and Ron's characterization was pretty good. Even though you didn't reveal the entire truth; I could totally understand why Ron and Hermione would react the way they did. I loved Hugo and Rose's relationship briefing so far. The tiny bits of humor you add to make your story light and calm; its working for your story very well. Keep up the good work. =)
The scenario of Rose's eleventh birthday was very well written. However a bit more details would've made it have the impact that it SHOULD've had, considering it was the highlight of your chapter. Hugo's feelings were well described but I'd expected more focus on Rose's thoughts and feelings; considering she's the one with all the pressure at the moment.
The ending line was something that is ure to keep your readers hooked and come back for more. You've done a really good job with this particular and I was very happy after reading this. So good job! Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response: Thanks for your kind review! The story's still just building more at this point; we haven't really gotten to the 'meat' of the conflict. I'm glad you see improvement in it from here and I hope you take the time to review again once I request. :)
I will have to disagree on Rose's 11th birthday scene; as much she is the main character, Hugo's thoughts and feeling s are very relevant to this scene, and even more so as he's younger and knows even less of what's going on; you'll see soon afterwards it switched back to Rose and when they see the broadcast of their house on fire and parents dead, it's HER emotions that show through, her breaking down.
I will definitely re request as I find your reviews very helpful and insightful. The story will really begin to pick up from here :) Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review.
I think that this time I'll skip the characterization since I've talked about it in one of my previous reviews and talk about some other areas that require concern.
I could see some improvement in the paragraph formatting. I'm glad you decided to work on it; it sure gives the chapter a better look than the previous chapters. However I'm afraid it still requires more work. The material in your paragraphs was not enough, I mean some parts gave an impression of a summary or pointers rather than proper, complete paragraphs, if you know what I mean. My point being: come up with elaborations for your point the paragraphs about. Fill in your readers with as much detail as possible. These details will help your readers picture the scene the way YOU want them to; it will further strengthen their interests as well as give your chapters a complete look. I hope I'm making my point clear. =)
Also, I've noticed that the story's flow is sort of disrupted by the lack of links between the scenes. The paragraphs don't feel like they're connected together smoothly. I mean the transitions between the present and the past, the flash backs were very abrupt. I was reading the story and I realise all of a sudden, it's in italics and I'm in the past reading and entirely different scene; it just didn't turn out that well. I think there's a lack of direction; planning in the order of the scenarios. Before writing I'd like to suggest you to spend some time thinking as to how you want to move the story forward and plan your chapter. Decide how you want you chapter to end up and then write it in detail. It helps a lot. =)
I'm sorry if I went a little overboard with all the criticism; just trying to help. =) Now towards the things I liked.
The dialogues: You've done a good job with dialogue so far. It definitely has a complete look and makes me enjoy the story a lot. I think that the humour you add in the dialogue and the sarcastic tones you use are amazing; they compliment you characters very well so good job there! =)
My favorite part was: 'You ever get the feeling history tends to repeat itself?' I loved this part. I'm super curious as to what happened to Hermione and Ron. The suspense of this story is going great so far; you've done a good job in maintaining the secrecy. And if that's the concept you plan on following then I guess I'll be looking forward to finding out how you reveal everything =)Author's Response: Sorry for taking so long to respond to this life has been so hectic. I have to say I do agree with everything you've mentioned here; this particular chapter was not my favorite. I know that it is choppy and I think your advice on elaborating will hopefully fix this one up.
It is disoriented in this chapter but the flashbacks are important, or atleast become important as things go on. I will try to rework them better so that they flow more smoothly. I appreciate the honesty here and I will defintely take your feedback to consideration. :) Report Review
Hello. I'm here for your review.
First off, I just want to say that you might want to fix the formatting on this chapter. It's rather distracting. Try to get rid of those white highlights. And also, you don't need so many spaces between each line. There's also a point in the story where you have something inserted with dashes (--) and it goes to a new line, that's unnecessary. If these problems are a computer issue, try to use the simple editor to fix them.
I have to admit I was a bit confused at time during this chapter. You say that you made some minor changes: Snape and Bellatrix are still alive. Those really aren't minor changes at all. I think you might want to explain them more, so as not to cause confusion. How did they survive, etc.
Also, in the five-years-ago flashback, Rose is eleven. So now she's a sixteen year old Auror? How is that possible? Wouldn't she still be in school?
I was a little bit confused by Hugo's attitude. I mean, he might not like going through the swamp, but he seems too annoyed by it. If they find the plant, after all, it would cure him. And he wants to be cured. I would think he'd be more tolerant because of it.
While I think that what you've set up could become interesting, I think right now, you're assuming the reader knows things that they don't. Try to really establish characters consistently, so as to make a strong base for your story.
Another suggestion I have is maybe to get a beta reader. There some grammar/punctuation mistakes I noticed and some spelling errors and typos.
I think this chapter would be much more appealing to someone who clicks on it if you fix those things. And that's what you want, of course, to excite your readers. :)Author's Response: Err...yeah...formatting problems. I guess I probably should go back eventually and fix those. I'm not a big grammar person either but I guess I better take a look at that as well.
I'm afraid I might have to disagree with the Hugo thing though. He's annoyed because he's a kid. He wants to find the cure naturally, but he's upset that they've been looking for so long and thinks they might have been given the wrong directions. He provides a rational foil to Rose who's somehow got it in her mind that the plant MUST be there. Apart from that, there are spiders. And we all know how well Ron was able to tolerate spiders. I don't exactly understand what you mean by establishing characters consistently. I thought I did a pretty good job at that. They're both kids after all, and they're going to be silly and foolish and do things like whine and complain.
I didn't neccessarily try to give away all information in this chapter. There's a good reason they're not at school and that Rose is an Auror. I'm not assuming that the reader knows anymore that I've told them , but that they would WANT to find out more. When I was setting up the premise for this sotry, there was so much background information that there was no way I could put it all in one chapter and so I reveal a little of the past and future concurrently in each chapter as it relates, so that events tie in together. This chapter's purpose really was just to kind of give a glimpse of what the story's going to be about.
Thanks for reading and providing constructive criticism though. I didn't get the sense you particulary liked it (which is all right, of course) so I probably wont rerequest seeing as I don't want to bother you. I will go back and fix some of the problems you mentioned. Report Review
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