Hi, I've been enjoying this story so far. I usually don't enjoy reading OC characters, but I haven't been bothered by it in this story. There was enough interest in the first couple of chapters to keep me reading. You did a really nice job describing Liam's family, and differentiating Liam and Patrick in the early chapters. You also gave the reader a brief glimpse of Cyrus' personality, and showed us some of Patrick's insecurity. The other kids, however, are not nearly as well-defined in my mind, so some more character development would be good as the story progresses with all these OCs. I think the writing, dialogue, and pacing of the story are all good. Even chapters about ordinary Hogwarts school days are perfectly appealing to me as long as they're well-written, and I haven't minded that the story has some repetitive elements from the books in describing the start of another first-year class at Hogwarts, and with the usual bullies vs good kids. I also enjoy that you're giving the reader a good sense of Hufflepuff house. I thought the scent of Jasmine Heather was a nice original idea, and I'm sure there will be more originality in your plot as the story continues.
The only thing that felt a little 'off' for me was how much magic the kids could do without any magical training yet. They all struck me as being just a little too prematurely skilled, but maybe you have a reason in mind for it. It certainly hasn't dulled my enjoyment of the story. As a really minor point, you've also got Gryffindor and McGonagall mispelled. But I think you've done a nice job so far in writing this, and I look forward to reading more of it.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! You're pretty early on in the story at this point. You'll find there's more insight into the other characters as I get going . . . There's very little in Philosopher's Stone about the First Year cirruculum, particularly with DADA. I was having to make a lot of it up . . . Yes, I know about the typos . . . I'm digging deep into the Slytherins right now. Will have some new stuff posted by June . . . Be sure to check out more of my original fiction on Amazon. Thanks again for the review! I really appreciate the feedback! Report Review
Loved the story. Didnt realize just how little rowling wrote on the other houses til i read this. My only disappoinment is that you are going to pack all the other years into one book, im starving for more.Author's Response: Thanks very much for the positive feedback. Writing is a lonely business, and rejection is a regular part of it. I love it when I read that I'm reaching people . . . That's one of the things that drew me to this project - the chance to go deep into the other Houses. More is on the way - I have started drafting "The Witches of Slytherin." I will post as soon as I have a few chapters typed and polished. Report Review
handing over for free(?)
Go leave my first year be(?)
Jumpin' Bronco's it's Shaky reincarnate!Author's Response: Are you trying to find the blank verse passage? It comes from the mouth of Edward DeVere, of course (one of the little jokes that no one seems to get). "For golden silence and for golden brew . . ." Unrhymed iambic pentameter. Report Review
I'm reading this for the second time. Still remember alot of it from the first time but I enjoy it very much.
Thank you for writing such an excellent book.Author's Response: You're welcome! Thanks for reading it again! . . . I have a couple of novels on Amazon, if you're interested. They're under the same pen name. They're not fantasy, but they are for teens and pre-teens. "The Trouble With Girls" and "Missy Baker is a Band Geek." Report Review
liam wren both parts are my favorites outside jk rowlings herself. may we have more please.Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'm busy working on another project, but I plan to circle back at some point. There's plenty of material. In the meantime, spread the word! Report Review
A court room scene. Great! This can't be the end! Need more!Author's Response: Sorry, but there is just one chapter left. It should be up in a few days . . . Near the end, I felt I was showing off a bit - a sports story, an action story, a court room drama - I really can do it all. Rowling showed the same range in the Harry Potter books. I'm glad she's getting the opportunity to go in a different creative direction, and glad too that her new book has been a success. Report Review
Very exciting. Love this chapter Report Review
Excellent. I enjoyed all the game strategy. Great job Report Review
Nice cliffhanger ending to this chapter. Makes me stay up late reading :)Author's Response: Wait til you get to the end of "One Day Pays for All." Don't read that one late at night, because it's long, and you'll have to keep going. Report Review
Great detail and conversation. I am enjoying interactions between liam and others Report Review
Another great chapter. I would like more detail about why umberto is involved, but I am sure more details will be revealed in future chapters. Report Review
I like the interaction between students and teacher, and the solving the mystery sequences in this and rhe past few chapters Report Review
Another exciting chapter. I like how you pulled in characters from original HP to remind us of the world they are living in. Interesting how the slytherins protected and escorted liamAuthor's Response: Berto's motivations are not fully explained until the last chapter. As Pemberton will say, "These are Slytherins we're talking about. Loyalty is not their strong suit." Report Review
Best chapter yet. I enjoyed the complex interaction between the characters, and hoe Liam is feeling about everything Report Review
Loved this chapter, very entertainingAuthor's Response: There are so many plot lines here that I just had to leave for another day - Liam's heat spell, and it's effect on girls; Stacy, her personality, longings, fate, etc.; Sadie's relationship with Gillian; Morwena's Coven; the Gryffs, including the Roycester brothers. All of it got a little mention, and then I had to move on. Report Review
Cute! Nice banter between the kids. Great to get more detail on Liam's issue. Would have liked to know more how he felt about what happened...his fatique, frustration that he may have to wait several months to get a new wand, interest to hear how a wand chooses (since I think this is the first time it is brought up to him).Author's Response: The battle with Lucy only solidifies the notion in Liam's head that he doesn't really need a strong connection with his wand, that his "Juvenile Magic" is strong enough to see him through. It's not until much later does he realize his error. Report Review
Interesting! I like the mystery of the red dragon and the wand, which may be related. It is exciting to see what will happen next. Report Review
Mugle instead of Muggle.
I think Liam's final words in this chapter should more strongly represent his personality. Boys, let's get going, seems too generic.
We are finally getting a sense using a finger instead of a wand is special and unusual, and that Liam looks after others and is loyal to his new friends. I was afraid he might have actually hurt the bully on accident, not knowing his own strength. Report Review
Boy's should be boys'
I like how Liam's character is unfolding. He is independent and studious. It seems Patty is quicker to pick up on magic and seems to have more enthusiasm and curiosity. It almost seems his character is being fleshed out faster than Liam's. Report Review
A few typos/grammar points:
Annie was nearly "passed" it. Should be "past"
Repeated "good" 3 times within 2 lines.
"Scampered" repeated twice within a few lines.
Several places where the parenthesis was outside the punctuation.
All right, said the clerk "reluctan*t*ly...forgot a t
"Spider barely smaller" doesn't really convey the same feeling as "spider almost as big as" the kittens
pouched was used instead of pounce Report Review
7 typographical errors in this 2nd chapter. Enough to be concerned that the errors could be distracting from the story. "I don't know why I did. It didn't seem right too" should be to.
2) There was a worn sofa overlooking a plate glass window, showing a view of the front yard and the walkway up to the "t" door. The t shouldn't be there.
3) "No style at all, that one,"said Patrick, referring to the car "at the car" than the man. Extra words are here.
4) Patrick opened the door just "just" as the man pushed the bell. Too many justs.
5) No, I'm from (the) Ministry.
6) You're in "the" file. Not necessarily a typo, but probably clearer if it read "our" file.
7) ...fancy sports car would (be) out of the question. Missing a word here.
I would like a little more sense of what kind of kid Liam is here...respectful, loving towards his mom, protective or annoyed by his brother, etc.Author's Response: A new reviewer! Excellent! Yes, this is a rough draft, and there are typos here that I may not ever go back and fix. Most of my published stuff has been polished to a bright shine, but this novel was posted as I was writing it. Report Review
How can I "hand" my son off to these people. It accidentally says "had". I like the pace the story is unfolding. I like that it is only set 7 years from the last HP book. It wasn't clear what Liam thought of his dad, only what he thought his mother thought of him. I would have thought loyalty or craving acceptance from his father would have been conflicting with his strong desire to go to Hogwarts.Author's Response: My fear was that the scenes in Biggleswade were, if anything, too long. I wanted to give the readers a feel for Liam's home life, and contrast it with that of Harry Potter's, but I was as impatient as anyone to get Liam on the train . . . Liam has a complicated relationship with his father. It's a natural instinct to idolize one's father. Sean Wren, however, is a terrible father, and he has been a great disappointment to Liam. It is Uncle Charlie who is the role model for Liam and Patrick . . . Also, I have a firm rule, that the adults in my stories, especially parents, are to be of no help whatsoever. It's up to the kids to figure out the answer to whatever problem they are facing. Report Review
Nice. Everything is drawing together. The climax can't be too far away! I liked the pace, flow and structure of this chapter that developed the story subtly and off-camera as well as in the text.
I look forward to the finale!Author's Response: My first review since May! Thanks very much for your loyalty. Yes, we're near the end. Thirty-eight chapters ought to do it. Thanks again for reading! Report Review
This was just posted today! That's some luck right there!
I can't believe you are still writing...kudos for still being inspired, I envy that :p
You've updated so much since I last checked, it's amazing. You just keep getting better and better as time goes on.
Can't wait for the next chapter, hopefully I'll check up sooner rather than later this time. :)
RipleyAuthor's Response: Thanks for your loyalty and encouragement. I really appreciate it . . . Inspiration definitely helps, but it doesn't last long. I schedule time to write each week, and during those times, I write, whether or not I am inspired. I work from my outline and push forwrad, even if it's just a page . . . The novel is like a marathon, and like a distance runner, it takes determination to finish. But, at the end of the race, the runner has only his memory of the effort, and the intrinsic sense of accomplishment. At the end of my marathon, I'll have a book to read and share with others . . . It's the positive feedback I get from you, Sherrif and others that keeps me going . . . The Finale awaits! Fondly, KJ Report Review
... and the plot thickens.
I am still intrigued as to how the separate plot lines and subplots are going to find a way to weave themselves together... It feels like we are getting closer to the truth with the revelations about the Madagascan Red, but at the same time finding ourselves several steps behind the Slytherins (who are, as always, adept at playing the long game). I cant help but feel we are one major revelation away from a showdown...
SheriffAuthor's Response: Yes, the plot thickens, and threads from all over this book are slowly coming together . . . one of my main objectives (besides telling a good story) was to highlight the differences between the houses, particularly the scheming, manipulative Slytherins, the brilliant and inquisitive Ravenclaws and the sweet-natured and intensely loyal Hufflepuffs. I think these chapters definitely show that . . . I don't want to give any plot away, but there is an answer! Beware the Eaves of the Forest! Report Review
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