This has a unique storyline, pleasant characters and a good overall atmosphere.
There are no speech marks! Speech marks are essential to all punctuation ("they look like this") and help to show readers when a person is talking. You can't not have them.
Go over, edit and repeat. I'm going to check and see if your other chapters have them, but if not I can't continue reading this.
Luckily, the spelling and paragraph structure is well done, which makes it relatively enjoyable to read.
Byeee Report Review
your time line is off!!! is it after 7 years or 5???
is she is in 6th year or 7th???Author's Response: she is in her 7th year . Report Review
ahhh nice nice Author's Response: thx for the response Report Review
shaheen , read a bit of ur story and it seems wow! and i am sure this credit goes to u and ur frnd who insisted and helped u to right the story :) anyways"case" keep writiing stories and hope to see more stories from u :) Report Review
I read the first chapter of your new story. It was absolutely awesome.
Eagerly waiting for the next chapter.Author's Response: thanx alak. Report Review
Ugh! So I wrote you another review yesterday for this chapter but when I check today to see if you responded it showed that I didn't write one!! Goodness so take thee:
I really enjoyed this chapter it answered a lot of questions I had concerning Sara and her wonderful father.
I think that this could be made so much better if you added more descriptions in the first and second part. Maybe develop Harry's reaction more, show me his facial expression or perhaps how his hands move to show nervousness or stress. You could also do the same when he meets Sara. Show me what she's wearing how she reacts when she meets Harry, how Harry looks at her, how she looks at Harry ect.
I also was a little lost in the last bit. The flow was a little sketchy. Maybe rework the conversation so its not broken up by the Quidditch explanation.
But yeah, good job! Keep it up
Lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: thanx for the absolutely great response . I am already working on the changes you pointed out. Report Review
macadamianwonders here from the forums. AHH. I'm terribly sorry for taking so long to get to this, but I got here. :)
The plot is interesting so far; I think you wrote it well. Since this is rather short, it works how you didn't give too much information away. I definitely want to read on.
At times, I thought McGonagall was a little OOC. She was a little bit too, er, excited? I'm not sure if that's the word I'm looking for. But I guess I don't know what's happening here, so I can't exactly judge if her reaction is suitable. I thought Dumbledore's characterisation was good, and you even captured his speaking style.
I picked up a few things that could be fixed in there.
'If only she could be that way either...'
Would this be, If only she could be that way too?
-Dumbledore just smiled and said:
-Seeing a look of doubt on Minerva's face, he added:
Normally a comma is used, not a colon. The dialogue also doesn't have to be on a separated line.
'...scrutinized her, his long silver beard bobbing slightly...'
Scrutinized should be scrutinizing so your tenses are consistent.
Otherwise, good job! :)Author's Response: thnx a lot for the review.It mens a lot Ill definately make the required changes Report Review
Your "so called best friend Romona" might have helped you a lot in your writing and I really appreciate her for correcting your grammatical mistakes.
.but I think that the basic thnx goes to our BG group for tolerating your nuisance all the time especially Jhanvi who guided you a lot, may be better than Romona.
Please donot fail to recoginise her and your other "best friends" contribution who would always be with you .
Think of a good story and have a good day.
A keen reader and a cautious friend'
hariAuthor's Response: hey when did you join hpff . so how are you . tnx for the reply . check out my other story with ramona "too much is nothing" Report Review
Good to see you blooming in your favourite subject. You have already written 4 chapters with an astonishing series of suspense.I have really admired your stories and am now waiting for the outstanding series of romance.
.Have a good month with you and your harry potter.And a thing worth noticing is that now you both wear specs.
What is the name of the other story that you are writing with Romana.Please post it soon.Author's Response: posted the story .
thnx for the response
ya I know we both wear specs. Lover bird thing , you know
I also watched the trailer of WOMEN IN BLACK
it was awesome really... Report Review
A happy go lucky story.with an outstanding suspense.
Eagerly waiting for the next chapters.
.I'm loving itAuthor's Response: thnx a lot for your kind words . The next chapter would be up soon. Report Review
Hi there! It's me off the forums with your review :)
I think your idea for this story so far is great, and while it could've been massively cliched, you've presented Voldemort's daughter in a very clever way; she never knew her father, and has effectively been brought up by Narcissa and Harry. She is also very normal, and although she seems to shout a lot (:P) she is pretty non-Tom-ish.
The layout of this story, dipping between Harry's memories and the present day, works very well for explaining Sara's past whilst keeping the story moving forwards, and while the present doesn't seem to be moving very far apart from train banter, it's actually setting down the foundations very well for other plotlines, like ScoRose and James stuff. I hope we get to meet more of the Potters later on!
I loved your prologue because it was all very mysterious, and your had McGonagall and Dumbledore down very well until the end where they went a little OOC. Rose and Sara's relationship is great too, because they are so used to each other and just argue back and forth... although Sara does seem inclined to moan about her situation to Rose.
Grammar-wise, I think you're not bad, but slip up a bit. Eg, 'ironical' instead of 'ironic', your formatting is a bit irregular, and '10 years old' instead of '10-year-old'. But the first and last are a bit nitpicky! You could always get a Beta on the forums to help you out? It often helps improve my grammar :)
Overall, I love your story's direction; keep it up!
~TGKAuthor's Response: thnx a lot for the review. It was very nice to know that my story is not cliched as you have put it . I already have a beta-reader and SHE IS AWESOME . Report Review
Ahhh!!! Dun Dun Dun.
Just a couple typos, like only two! So good job there. The dialogue was much better in this chapter so props to you, whatever you did worked great and I didn't get confused one time so I made you cookies *passes a plate* I wonder if you noticed that the whole thing is in bold? Just wanted to point that out. I think you should describe what's going on a bit more. Show me what Sara's wearing when she walks in the room. Show me how the atmosphere changes when McGonagall realizes it's Voldemort's daughter. Describe Rose's excitment about hearing that Scorpius likes her and what not. Just keep bringing on the details and the little things that make a story come to life!
You have a brilliant story idea, just keep bringing on the flames!
I hope I wasn't too cryptic in my last little note there, I really don't know how to say it any other way. Keep it up!
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: thnx for the review I 'll keep in mind what you said and try to improve. Report Review
I like where this is going! I noticed there was a bit changing between first person and third person near the beginning ish, right after Sara first began speaking in points. You went from third person to first person and I got confused momentarily.
I would suggest writing out the numbers instead of listing them when Sara talks in points, it's easier to tell who's talking. I also noticed in the conversation between Harry and Dumbledore, Dumbledore speaks twice in a row but you didn't note that, so I got tripped up over who was talking.
And I'm also going to mention again what I said in my last review about labeling your dialogue. You don't have to every time, just when someone speaks first, or twice in a row, when another party enters the conversation and for emphasis!
Hope this wasn't too much to take in!!
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: thnx Ill keep it in mind Report Review
Epic beginning here, you captured McGonagall and Dumbledore very well. I'm anxious to see what happens next!
One little thing here: You used the word replied a whole bunch in the dialogue. I kind of found that just a little destracting. Also it was a little redundant a little (the second a little was on purpose) when you used 'she said' 'he replied' 'she proposed' after almost every line of dialogue. Once you already establish the flow of the dialogueyou don't need to keep repeating who said what. And most of the time we can tell if it's a proposition or a question. Use those words to add an emphasis on the sentence, because over done, they're meaning less.
Okay well there's my little schpeel on the prologue. I hope I didn't crush your hopes and dreams, I can't wait to really figure out what the plot is about! Oh and the last part of my little thing about your dialogue was just my personal opinion (and my Sophomore English teacher's opinion) about dialogue, so you can take it or leave it.
lemonpeeps oxAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the review Report Review
Hi there! I'm here with your review as requested. I normally don't do anything other than one-shots, but I saw that you were a new user, and thought I'd take a look anyway. This was very good. I can see that this is your first fanfic, and I just wanted to say that it is a very strong start.
I like that you have not given away much information, as I think that it keeps the reader in suspense and makes them want to read on, so well done for that.
I wasn't sure about the characterisation of Dumbledore's portrait. I thought that maybe, he would be a little less sarcastic, and sound a little wiser. However this is just my opinion, and I'm only saying it to help you progress as a writer. :)
As I have already said, it is a very strong start to this story and you have ensured that the readers stay interested in the story. I couldn't see any grammar or spelling errors, which was good. I look forwards to reading the next chapter.
Well done! And welcome to the wonderful world of HPFF! :)
Leanne :) xAuthor's Response: that was quick!
thnx for the response , I will keep in mind what you said Report Review
Well, I really liked the chapter. Honestly, I would have also thought of Bellatrix due to her unstoppable love for Voldemort, but you were right: Narcissa was the best of mothers, so the best of choices.
I really enjoyed the introduction of the relationship status between Harry and Sara and Sara and James. Geez, but James sounds so immature! How old is him? Also, can't wait to see how the other new characters will develop through the story. :D
GryffindorAuthor's Response: tnx a lot for the review Ramona and also for encouraging me and helping me. Report Review
I like this story. Can't wait to see where you are going with it. Lurve it. 10/10. update immediatlyAuthor's Response: thnx a lot for the review . i am already working on the next chapter :D Report Review
Hey, dear! Finally, I'm here with your review. Phew...
Honestly, I really got to like Sara. She's a lovable character, really. And who would have ever expected that Narcissa Malfoy was her mother? Me, never. I think you had a really interesting idea of how Narcissa got to have Sara. The stories about Voldemort's possible kids are always intriguing from that point of view, because it's really hard for us to imagine a Voldemort having any romantic connection...
I loved the scene between Narcissa and little Sara. It was really emotional...
Waiting for next chapter to come...
Your faithful friend,
RamonaAuthor's Response: thank you Ramona you are really my best friend but I dont understand what is a muse ? Report Review
I like your idea so far. I clicked on it because my story's main character is named Sara Riddle. Haha. Yeah, you have some grammatical errors, so you may want to try to get a beta. To get one, you go to the forums (and you have to be a member) and put a post in beta reading offered/wanted. Good job so far though!Author's Response: what a coincidence?
actually i already have a beta reader and her name is Ramona:) Report Review
Hey, darling! Sorry, I know you sent me a message on the forums the previous days, but I couldn't neither read it nor answer because I'm...coughsuspendedcough...
Well, the suspension ends tomorrow, but, until then, I thought of getting to check the first chapter and stop by to also leave a review on it.
As the first time, no comment on typos or anything. Those are cleared in the word I'll be sending you...
So, plot! The story is going well! The big mystery starts to be revealed and I do like the Rose/Sara relationship. They're a pretty funny pair, aren't they? There are also some things I'd like to ask you to clear for me, but I'll be waiting for that until I check the last posted chapter, too - hoping to have that done by tomorrow!
~BetaAuthor's Response: thnx.
you know what .
you are the best beta reader ever.
:D Report Review
It's getting better! Maybe try the punctuation and the quotation marks, but I like the plot of the story! It's better!Author's Response: thnx very much .
it all goes to mu beta reader ramona.
she is the best. Report Review
i really like where this story is going. I thought it was great!Author's Response: thnx very much. it feels gr8 when someone likes it.
please continue reading next chapters too.
:) Report Review
Hello, here's Ramona from the forums.
You've been already told that there are some issues, so I will just go on further.
Don't be so worried about the 'dreamy' inspiration. Don't you know Stephanie Meyer has written her books based on a dream she had? Well, I'm not a huge Twilight fan, but, starting from a dream, she has written a bestseller! Isn't that good enough?
Inspiration is everywhere. The thing is that when you see it, just catch it and glue it on paper. Attention, it might just try to resist, but you must be stronger. ;) That's what being a writer means.
Taking in count you're a new writer, I'd like to add a "Keep writing - never give up!". I recall the period I started writing fan-fiction here... That was just a year ago, but could you believe it seems like an eternity since then? You have no idea how much things you could get to learn here, so don't give up on us, especially on the forums! :D
Well, now, after the introduction (which was kind of huge, I can add) let's get back to your story. I think it was a good prologue and that it does have potential. And know what? I like "my head buzzing with questions". I wouldn't ever enjoy reading a story that doesn't have that effect on me. So let's see what's coming next!
~RamonaAuthor's Response: thnx you are a friend to me now an inspiration.
please continue reading the story and dont fail to point out my mistakes too:D Report Review
Good job! Very interesting! Just, you might want to consider getting a beta reader to check the grammatical errors. :)Author's Response: actually I AM a new member and am really confused maybe you can suggest someone please,if you don't mind. :) Report Review
Ummm... You might want to reread this, there are a ton of grammatical errors. Not to be harsh or anything, but it is quite confusing to follow, not because of the plot, but because of all the errors. If you fix it, it will be much more enjoyable to read. Maybe pick up a book or something and see how they write diolouge, things like that.Author's Response: OK I'LL TRY TO IMPROVE MY GRAMMAR .THANKS ANYWAY:)
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