This is fauxthefox from the forums with your requested review! :)
I love the idea and the execution!
All of your characters (especially Louis and Lysander, as they're the main ones) could use a bit of development. I do like Louis, though!
In terms of grammar/etc, you have some weird comma placements. You tend to sometimes put a space between the comma and the letters..? Also, you've misspelled "straight" at some point.
Also, there's a bit of tense-confusion. It's okay to use present tense when you're writing out Louis's thoughts, but in the first paragraph of the second scene, everything should be past tense (narration, as opposed to thought).
FauxAuthor's Response: I was sure I'd fixed the "straight" in my last edit... Oh well ^^' Other than that weird comma's aren't surprising for me... I do that often.
I see what you mean about character developpement, I'll try to see if I can work on that!
As for the tense I'll fix it so evrything is in present. That was the effect I wanted to create (I know it could sound a bit odd) but I think I messed up and wrote past tense in a few places...
Anyways, I'm glad you liked it and thank you for the helpful review!! :) Report Review
Hi, WeasleyTwins here with your review. I would like to apologize for the extended delay.
Okay then, right to it. I think you should get a beta - the typos/grammatical errors weren't overly distracting, but a beta would sift through this piece and sweep them away, so to speak.
I like the concept. Not everyone in such a large family like the Weasleys is straight. I loved, loved Louis's inner dialogue during the Quidditch tryouts - absolutely hilarious! I also liked the idea of the raindrop/eye/thing, but I wish you had fleshed it out a bit more; it was a good section of description and I wish you had added to it to ramp up the intensity.
Some of your dialogue was a bit wonky[unrealistic], but it wasn't something I was too concerned about. Overall, I liked your take on the Next Gen. challenge.
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Thanks for your review! And don't worry about delay, I'd be a hypocrite if I complained! ^^' I'll try to get a beta once I stop being overly lazy... and I'm a little suprised that people keep telling me they liked Louis' inner dialogue and thought it was funny, I thought I,d messed it up majorly! Although I did have fun writting it! And thanks for the tip on the raindrop, I'll try to work that out next time I edit! And thanks agin for reviewing!^^ Report Review
Oh this was such a cute story. I really liked it, from begining to end, it was really good! I also really like the tone of your story. Teenage Louis was really well characterized and I asolutly loved his thoughts when he was flying! That was hilarious and impressive as well (I mean, he did follow three different train of thoughts at the same time!!).
I really like the boys relationship. How it began as a frienship that didn't even grow through time; it just burst at the right time. Lysander is pretty good to have waited all that time (especially considering Alice knew back when they were 15).
I have a question for you though. You write :
"Now, why exactly, with the pressure of three cousins, a sister, and two uncles on my shoulders, did I decide to make the team?"
My question to you is : 2 uncles? I can think of at least 5 uncles and two aunts that were big quidditch freaks (Charlie, George, Fred, Ron, Harry, Ginny and Angelina) and whose pressure he could feel.
One other little thing is the dialogues. I am not talking about the content because it's brilliant right now. It's more the presentation. The way you did it in this piece makes it a tad confusing because you open and clsoe the dialogue in different fashion (eg : -I… I… I broke up… with Lysander…”). You open it with a (-) and close it with ("). Personnaly, I don't mind either even if it is more usual to see (") that both open and close the dialogues. but it's up to you wether you prefer ("), ('), (Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!^^ And did I really write two? Oups! I can't even remember who I was thinking of when I wrote that...Unless I was thinking of seekers then it'd be Harry and Charlie? I'll have to clarify that!^^ As for the (-) that was a little phase of mine, I thought of editing but decided to just let it be :P Cookies for such a long and awesome review! :D
~LL Report Review
oh, this was cute. undeniably cute.
there are a few minor grammar issues in this, but pfft, they didn't really affect the overall story - which was adorable. i loved the fact you didn't have an instant fix to the Alice/Lysander thing and instead jumped ahead almost twenty years. the little flavouring of Louis' cousins and their relationships made me smile as well - i love learning about that kind of thing!
Louis was a real sweetheart - he just seemed like an average guy, and Lysander wasn't a ridiculous character by any means whatsoever - they were just two average blokes, and i loved that about this story. stories where everyone is beautiful and snarky and witty get old fast, so this was just sweet and refreshing.
Hyenni101, Slytherin (:Author's Response: Thank's for reviewing!^^ And yeah, I've never heard of anyone getting over a breakup very fast, and I really wanted them to be older so my "little" jump in time was mandatory lol!:P I'm really glad you liked it! I had a lot of fun writting this story so It makes me very happy when i hear positive comments about it!^^ Report Review
Awww this was so sweet(: I loved the ending. Interesting pairing but you did it well. I loved that even though Lysander wasn't quite as odd as Luna, he still had some odd tendencies and you showed that(: I also loved the quidditch scene and all the going back and forth between qudditch and watching the break-up scene.
Great one-shot(:Author's Response: I'm glad you like it! And the quidditch scene was so fun to write, you have no idea! Thanks so much for reviewing! :D Report Review
Wow. This was really good-and I'm not usually a fan of slash. At all. So for me to actually like this is pretty special xD.
I like how it was from Louis' POV. You don't see him a lot-he isn't a very main character in most Next-Gen stories. He seems to be forgotten a lot-I have to admit I'm guilty of that too. I liked your take on him though. And loved how you portrayed Lysander to not be all dreamy and head in the clouds like Luna, or exactly like his brother. I mean, I know they're twins, but when they are *exactly* like each other it's annoying. I really do like how you brought out the lesser used characters-it makes me want to read more on them.
I loved the little raindrop flower. I've never heard of anything like that, and it was so sweet and simple, yet played practically the most important part. Great job on this story-I'll defintely be looking at your other stories now. This story was simple, yet amazing. It wasn't overdramatic, but it wasn't plotless. I could imagine this happening in real life! Really great job! 10/10
puppyluv242 (Gryffindor)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! :D It's one of the favorite things I've written so I'm really glad you liked it! I have no idea where I got that raindrop idea. It just sounded like Lysander. :)
~LL Report Review
Awh, this was adorable. :) There are quite a few grammar/spelling issues and typos, which could be cleared up with an edit or maybe a beta.
Thanks for entering my challenge, and I'm sorry I took so long. I'll be announcing the winners within the week.Author's Response: I`m glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing and for making this challenge, I had a lot of fun writting it! :D
-LL Report Review
Wow, normally me and slash are not a good match, but this made me smile, cause it was only a minor part.
I really like the way you diverted from Fifth year back to age 32, I tihnk that was really nifty ^.^ (is that even a word O.o)
Anyway, I think you should further this story into a short story ;)
I really enjoyed reading this, and the thought pattern Louis gave us when Lysander and Alice where breaking up was just funny ^.^ Hunger status: Feeble, :P lol, thank you for an entertaining story >.< xAuthor's Response: Thanks for the awesome review! You really think I should make a short story? I'll think about it!^^
LOL! Yeah that was so fun to write you have no idea!!
~LL Report Review
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