So I'm finally here! :D
This is a good opening chapter, I'm very intrigued! :D
It's a bit strange that Vess' mother gave her alcohol but I guess that's why she was such an awful mother.
I really liked this! I'm going to add this to my favourites and therefore you must update soon! Muhahaha! :p
I will be returning very soon. >:)
10/10! :D Report Review
Hey there! It's Courtney, here for your requested review:)
This first chapter has huge impact. From the very first sentence I knew this was going to be something different, something I wanted to read. It was very fast and to the point, and I mean that in the best way possible. I was immediately hooked and just wanted to keep reading more!
Poor Vanessa! What a horrible childhood she must have had! I can't believe her mother gave her Firewhiskey, just to get her to go to sleep! I am already asking so many questions about what Vanessa is like now-about what type of person she has turned into and about what her life at Hogwarts is going to be like, which is fantastic!
I like the fact that you get straight into the story. There's no mucking about, no pointless rambling (I do this a lot, in my stories) and it has a very powerful effect on the reader. I think the pacing is perfect for the style of this chapter-it's to the point and simple, which I like very much. But just make sure, in future chapters, to add a bit of detail, etc. Though I'm sure you already know that-you seem like a very good writer!
I think these: 'Over time, my dad and I became less and less like strangers, and more and more like family. In the end the other was the thing we depended on the most' were my favourite two lines. I find it really sweet that Vanessa's father, even though he was an ex-death eater and didn't seem like the best of fathers, rescued Vanessa from her horrible life and, in the end, everything worked out for the best. I must admit, I am very curious to see what is going to happen in future chapters-will Vanessa's mother make another appearance? And if so, what will happen? I am also looking forward to finding out more about the personalities and characteristics of both Vanessa and her father.
I am really looking forward to reading more of this, so please feel free to re-request! Oh, and I thought you ended this chapter perfectly with the; 'He chose me.' I just felt so happy for Vanessa that, after all she'd been through, her father really cares. Great start, thanks for the read!
Courtney:) Report Review
Hi it's patronus_charm with your review!
I really like how you just went straight into the story and immediatly grabbed people's interest. You said in the summary that Vanessa didn't have any answers and I can see why now. It left me wondering was her Dad just Marcus in disguise and he actually is a death-eater we know or he is just Marcus. Also her mother was a very interesting character as you're left wondering whether muggle or not, and how she can give her own daughter firewhiskey.
I'm guessing the 19 years later is significant due to the last chapter of HP being 19 years later and that's the year Albus and Rose start Hogwarts. I'm interested to see how you get to that part and how Vanessa deals with her Dad being a reformed death eater. It definitely does make you want to read on:)
The pace was fast as so much happened in that chapter with her parents and then her Dad taking her around Australia!
At a times I felt it a little awkward to read as I felt the sentence structure and choice of words could be improved, but I think you could fix that easily:)
I can't wait to see what house she's sorted into, so feel free to re-request at any time:) Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your (very late, as always) requested review.
Oh my gosh, what a horrible and chaotic introduction. I honestly mean that as a compliment. I can't believe her mother slipped her Firewhiskey to make her sleep--and the father character seems very interesting. I just feel like a pureblooded, ex-Death Eater would not have a name like "Mark" when considering the others of similar heritage were named Lucius, Alecto, Amycus, Severus, Narcissa, Bellatrix, Fenrir, etc. JKR always chose mythological or otherwise esoteric names for such characters... I think you should take advantage of it! Plus that would show a serious juxtaposition between he and his ex-wife if her name is something simplistic and non-pureblooded like Abigail (though a beautiful name indeed).
Also, why did they not use magic on one another? Is her Mum a Muggle? The story almost feels like it isn't an HP fanfiction without it. In fact, if you take away the mention of him being an ex-Death Eater the chapter would have no allusions to HP at all. I believe you did a really great job with the dialogue and the action, and explained a lot of their past with very minimal narration. Consider now adding some scenery description, physical descriptions, time of day, time of year, etc. to really embellish the story :) Also, how old is Vanessa? We don't have any idea until we read that she gets her letter to Hogwarts, which means she has to be younger than eleven. But readers really need to know specifics like that. :)
The paragraph beginning with "In the months that followed..." you say that she and her father became less and less like strangers and more like family. But you don't explain how; give us a specific scene in which there is a turning point for them. Also, where is he working exactly? Doing what? How does Vanessa spend her time?
All in all, I think your location and storyline and the dynamics between Vanessa and her father are wonderful. Your ending was particularly touching and foreboding all at once. I really, really think that you have something great here. Just please, please, please, go back and embellish with some detail! Clearly you're a talented writer and this chapter could use some more content anyway. I want to know all about Vanessa and her father, and what they look like, and how they spent their time and where exactly. I'm adding this to my favorites because I really do think that this is a unique and well-written beginning! :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review :)
When I come back and edit this chapter, I will be changing some names and include more details, including the fathers. It was after this chapter was validated that I realized 'Marcus' didn't fit. I didn't think it was important to have magic in this chapter than highlight the hardships of a man who does what he can for his family.
Again, thank you for reviewing and giving me some solid feedback to work on :) Report Review
Hello, Laurenzo7321 here with your requested review :)
I thought this was an excellent start your story! It definitely made me want to keep reading! You have given Vanessa a really interesting start and I look forward to seeing where you go from there.
The first part where she explained about living with her mum was particularly well written. You didn't hold anything back and made such a good job of the particularly sensitive issue so well done!
It will also be interesting to see where her dad goes from here - having been on the run and coming back.
Is the nineteen years significant in this? Will she be going to Hogwarts with the next gen Potters and Weasleys? I wasn't sure if this was going to be completely detached from that or not... either way you have still set the scene for a great story!
Well done again!
LaurenAuthor's Response: Thank you for you review Lauren, it is greatly appreciated.
I'm stoked that you think the part where she lives with her mum is well written seeing as it does deal with such sensitive subject matter. I needed it to be as raw as possible so that in later chapters, it's still in the readers mind.
There will be quite a jump in time from this chapter to the next as the story takes place in her 6th year, so yes, she will be attending at the same time as the Next Gen students.
Thank you again! Report Review
Hello! Siriusly89 here with your requested review :D
Before I begin, I must warn you that I review as I read, so it can get a bit disjointed at times :P
So much drama in the opening scene! A runaway father, a mother running an 'undesirable service' and giving her daughter drink? And then to cap it all off, the fathers an ex-deatheater as well! Seriously, this girl kind of has everything going against her!
Awh! The Dad really is a good guy :D And I liked this little back story :) It really gave us a flavour for what kind of person Vanessa is, and what she's been through! Even at the tender age of eleven she's already been through the ringer! I hope her mother reappears at some point in the story, you know at the point where you think everything is going hunky-dorey and then BAM! She's back and all up in her life, messing up situations :P
If you ever need another review, you know where I am :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review, it's great hearing what you think.
I feel sorry for Vanessa a little bit, but then again, I know what she's like later on. As for her mother turning up, you'll just have to wait and see ;) Report Review
Ooh, this looks like it's going to be sooo good.
Sorry if this review sounds frazzled, all that Christmas turkey means i've lost the ability to be coherent.
I love how you've cunningly left out the main protagonist's name. Makes me feel like there is so much you can develop with her. Also, it's a lot different from stories that start with the name and then subjectively explain their horrible family life.
Although there are some cliches like having horrible parents, I feel like there is a lot of potential for you to go into detail on her relationship with her parents and who her father is and how she feels about everything.
I must say that I like the ending when she's like "He chose me" sounds so good. It makes me think that her father has some redeeming characteristics. I can't wait for fatherhood to change the hardhearted father and for the protagonist to develop in later chapters.
If i could give you any constructive comments at all, it would just be to spend more time describing events/settings so that we understand how the protagonist reacts to different situations/likes and dislikes in later chapters.
Can't wait to read more :D
peanuts11Author's Response: Hey peanuts11,
Thanks so much for your positive feedback. It's good to know that I'm doing something that readers like but I will definitely work on the things you mentioned in the coming chapters.
I didn't want her to fall into the 'cliche of having horrible parents' (as you put it), so I needed something different to grab the reader. Her relationship with her parents is going to be a major plot point in this story. The question is, will it get better or worse?
sweetlovelygirl here from the review thread with your requested review. I think this chapter gives the readers a good image of what Vanessa's background is. I would have liked to see more of Vanessa's personality, but since she was only a child in this prologue I can understand that she doesn't do or say much.
There is only one error I saw somewhere, but your grammar is pretty good.
Maybe you could have given us a hint about where the story is heading because now I have no idea what is about to happen in the rest of the story. You told us it's going to be emotional, but what will happen? Is it going to be something between her and her father or between her and more people?
I really wonder in which house Vanessa will be placed and I'm looking forward to read more!
You can always ask me for more reviews.
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review.
The prologue was definitely meant to let the reader know Vanessa's history and also plant a seed of resentment towards her mother, and also her dad. The first chapter will start at the beginning of her sixth year and will definitely delve into the issues and hurt from her past. This includes the toll on her relationships with both parents, friends and romantic interests.
I'm currently holding out for a beta to flush out those few mistakes that slip through the cracks. But I'm glad that there weren't too many.
Again thank you, I really appreciate your feedback and look forward to future reviews from you. Report Review
This is a really interesting story so far and the plot seems to be really unique. Even though there isn't that much revealed about Vanessa yet, I think that your characterization of her is really good though.
As I was reading through I found a few spelling and grammatical errors as well as several words that you capitalized and that shouldn't be capitalized. One of them was in this sentence here, “What in Merlin’s Beard have you given..." Merlin's should be capitalized as it is a name, however beard does not need to be capitalized.
In your areas of concern you wanted to know if it makes me want to read on. And the answer to that is yes, I'm really intrigued into Vanessa's life and about her father. Overall I really liked this chapter. However I would recommend getting a beta just to read over and fix the spelling/grammatical errors and any capitalized words.
I hope that I helped and feel free to request when you post another chapter.
CharlieAuthor's Response: Hello Mystique,
I'm glad that you found the plot interesting and unique as that was definitely what I was going for. I shall certainly follow your advice and chase down a beta to help with grammar and spelling.
Thank you for taking the time to review and the advice you have given me, I really do appreciate it. Report Review
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