Hi! magnolia_magic here with your review!
First off, I just want to tell you how much I enjoyed reading this. It's not the kind of story I usually gravitiate toward, but I'm so glad to have read this one. It made me smile :)
You asked me to look at characterization. I love what you've done with all the characters, especially Petunia. I think it's great how she empathizes with the "evil" characters in fairy tales, seeing the good in them where most children probably wouldn't. It's a side of her we don't see when she's an adult, and I liked getting a glimpse of what she would be like before life's disappointments made her bitter. And I think her attitude towards Lily is hilarious--even at eight years old, she sees herself as so much more mature than her little sister, which is probably how most big sisters see themselves :) The interaction between Petunia and Lily feel very real--your dialogue really rings true throughout this story.
As for the flow, I thought it was good except for a few minor grammar things. I'm sure a beta reader could help you polish those things up a bit, if you wanted, and that would improve the flow even more.
And finally, I have to gush about the ending! I LOVED it! Even though I know Petunia never becomes a real witch, this ending was filled with so much hope and anticipation that I thought it might be possible too. I really wished she could have gotten what she wished for. So it was sort of bittersweet (but mostly sweet, I think), and it was awesome.
So, this review is pretty long...sorry about that! But again, I'm really glad you asked me to read this, and I really enjoyed it :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Wow! Thankyou for this review! Haha, long reviews are always appreciated. :D
I'm really glad you liked the characterisation of Petunia and I'm thrilled that you thought the dialogue was realistic!
Yes, my grammar is terrible! I will consider a beta at some point in the future. Hopefully when I'm done with writing Black Sheep (my novella) I'll get a beta to look at this! :D
Yes, that was what I was aiming for. To leave Petunia feeling hopeful about what could happen in the future. I suppose her instincts are correct, but she's attributed the very early sign of magic as her own, when soon, she'll find out it's not her, but Lily.
Thank you for such a kind review! :D
Leanne Report Review
Honoraryweasleyy from the forums here with your review! :)
Firstly, there are a whole bunch of grammar and tense errors. Just proofread a couple times, and maybe find yourself a beta, and that'll all get fixed up, though. :)
This was a really interesting story to read. I've always wanted to read more about Petunia and Lily's relationship, and Petunia's life especially. Secretly, she's one of my favourite characters, because I feel so sorry for her, and it was nice to be seeing things through her eyes. And I think your strengths in this story are really how realistic it is, and how moving, too. The foreshadowing was heartbreaking - it was awful knowing that Lily ends up as not just a princess but a witch, too.
Oh, and I really liked how well you portrayed the girls' ages - especially Petunia's proud and dignity in being eight. One of my favourite lines was definitely "Now she was eight, she had to cope with grown up things, like serious relationships and her acting career", because it is so definitely something an eight year old would say (I have experience with them, trust me :p).
So, yeah, in conclusion, great job! The length was perfect for a one-shot like this one, and really, I have no criticisms except about the grammar, which I've already mentioned.
x JAuthor's Response: Aaah! Thanks for such a lovely review! I'll definrately go over and get rid of the grammar errors (When I have the time, lol). I'm glad you thought it was realistic- I was worried it would be really unlikely. Thanks again, I really appreciate it! ^_^ Report Review
Hey it's princessOFparis with my review for your challenge entry!
There's a few grammatical/spelling errors, but hey, everyone makes them, right? Just remember to proofread a couple times, and you should be good.
I really like your creativity in incorporating the quote I gave you; also the excellent way you portrayed a different side of Petunia they never really show in the books. I noticed a good use of foreshadowing that came through quite well in this ironic insight into the Evans girls' childhood. The flow is excellent (although running through the house is quite exciting in itself, really)
I think an epilogue would be an excellent way to give some more closure to the story; also more narrative would give more insight into how Petunia saw Lily and magic in life at her age. However, I like the narrative you've got there; I think it really shows how a typical Muggle girl would view things at her age: the slight arrogance, the nonexistent acting career, and trying to distinguish between reality and fantasy.
Good work! 9/10Author's Response: Thanks very much for the review! I like your suggestions, so I'll take them into account!
Thanks again! ^_^
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Char from the Forums here with your review!
I already like the title, itís just so classically a fairytale type statement and itís cute.
Oh, itís kind of sad to read about how Petunia liked witches and felt like being one, just knowing that she isnít the witch in the family but her sister and that she, Petunia, instead will grow to be a bitter old maid :( or, er, matron.
There are some punctuation and grammar errors present throughout the story that can be easily taken care of with a beta.
Ok, now Iíve read through the whole thing. How bittersweet! Here is a first taste of Lilyís magic and Petunia in her innocence. How this sweet little girl becomes something so not what is shown hereÖ
Really loved the concept of this story. General flow and characterization were great.
xCharAuthor's Response: Thanks! I hope to edit soon, so I appreciate the review! :)
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I love the irony of it all- Petunia being the one with magic, Lily calling her sister a wicked witch. THE IRONY
I thought it was really sweet and cute- loved Petunia acting all high and mighty in her eight years of wisdom, and Lily was just adorable. It was just the right length, too- short and sweet, perfect for an one-shot like this. Lovely job.Author's Response: awww. Thanks very much :) I appreciate the review! :D Report Review
Wow... This was great... Very moving...
10/10Author's Response: Awww... Thanks very much :D Report Review
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