Reading Reviews for Spectrum
  
10 Reviews Found

Review #1, by NadineS Chapter One

17th April 2012:
Okay, since you already have some pretty long reviews, I'm gonna put is short. Great story so far. You opened up a few interesting questins, especially implying that Dex was cheating on her and that look between Sirius and him at the end of the chapter also made me quite curious :)
I hope you are going to decide to continue with the story some day :)

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Review #2, by MyMyMiss Chapter One

22nd June 2011:
Constructive crit? Sure, ehehe. FORGIVE ME! I know this is long overdue, as you requested it nearly a month ago, and I am a terrible person and I hope you will forgive me :) *Hands plate of choc chip cookies*

Anyway, I loved your prologue, It did actually get my attention as you asked for in your request form. I liked how you used the Mother Teresa Quote, Although you should probably credited it pet ;) just for copyright issues, I like how you portray her Mother and Father, Victor, as I should call him in this.
I like Wintra, I think the name is very unique, very indeed :) I didn't notice many grammar issues, and You did a brilliant job of slipping in from age to age.
Just one question though. How come you placed your Chapter one story in with your Prologue?

Keep it up :) x

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Review #3, by CrazyForYou Chapter One

19th June 2011:
Hey, it's CrazyForYou from the forum. Sorry it's taken me so long to review; finals week was brutal.

I like your banner, I think it's great that you made it yourself!

I think you're off to a fine start plot-wise. I like the little allusions you make to things, such as the blond Hufflepuff. It makes it interesting when there is the clear cut storyline to follow but also little other questions that are (hopefully) answered or expanded upon later on.

You had a couple of word choice/spelling mistakes, but not a big deal. Some of the ones that stood out to me were:
Our area had always been quite humble - I think I understand what you're going for here, but contextually, humble isn't the right word. I'd say poor, or if you're trying to use a euphemism, say our area has never been well off.
The majority lacking in medical insurance - The majority lacked medical insurance
To stay out of the brewing war. - This works when spoken, but in writing its harder to accept fragments. I'd maybe use as semicolon and make it an independent clause and then attach it to the previous sentence to keep the same feel.
unknowledgeable of the competition. - unknowledgeable of feels awkward. Say clueless about or never knowing about.
boyfriends’ - unless she has multiple boyfriends, this should be boyfriend's
henceforth was usually on the receiving end - thus works better than henceforth in this sentence.

I like the drama building up in terms of the prank war and also the alluded to war at the beginning. I'd be careful about not letting Rom and Dom become copies of Fred and George, but other than that, I think you're doing great!

I look forward to reading more about the individual characters in future chapters; feel free to request another review when you update again!

Well done
~CrazyForYou

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Review #4, by Fionnuala Chapter One

8th June 2011:
Hey! Quite liking this story so far and I'm looking forward to seeing where it's headed. The only criticism I have is that when you wrote from Wintras point of view when she was eleven she seemed a lot younger. That is only a minuscule criticism tho and everything else was great! :)

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Review #5, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter One

7th June 2011:
Hi there, LMW from the fourms with your requested review and I was just curious about something from the get go. Your banner is lovely, but the chapter image--who is that supposed to be on the chapter image? Characters for your story, I mean, not models.

Anyway, moving on to the major story and you had a few sorta specific concerns you wanted me to address--spelling and all that, good opener, grasp my attention, etc.. Mmkay, well I can start out with the easier parts, address how I feel about opener, and then add the other things I noticed.

I didn't see any major grammatical issues. I envision though that other reveiwers may have caught stuff. It's late where I am and I'm on a sleeping pill so I'm slowly beginning to lose my sharp focus. So for now, we'll say nothing of major consequence. If I find something glaring later, I'll PM you.

Okay, for an opener, it hooks me because I loved the prologue. I think that the prologue was made of some powerful writing and created some easy to understand psychological issues for your OC to have. Which I think is very smart of you.

I also liked the idea of Wintra continuing on for her mom and I thought you were really going to build off that idea. Maybe you could include her having some of her mom's RN books at school. She could still incoporate some Muggle beliefs into her education.

As for the transition, it is abrupt and could be fixed easier. I think you hook me in with the kind of lighthearted nature of the banter between all the characters. I just wonder if its going to stay that way. And I think that you do a good job creating mysteries with Dexter.

Now, just for some minor things, Eli would pronouce ya'll in fact y'all because it is you all abbrevated into y'all. And there were a few other minor things I would consider addressing with just characters and how they refer to classes. I know the class names are long but leaving them like COFC could confuse the readers and sounds very casual.

LMW

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Review #6, by wenderbender Chapter One

5th June 2011:
'Lo there! wenderbender here from the forums with your requested review.

My general thoughts are that this is a good start to your story. You manage to provide a complex and slightly heavy back story for your main OC, as well as introduce a string of fun and likeable minor characters to play with, all within one fairly succinct chapter. I like the plot--you've got me anticipating lots of pranks and humor, but, at the same time, our narrator Wintra keeps dropping dark hints about the future. I kept feeling a sense of foreboding, which provided interesting depth to the humorous scene. I also thought the suggestion of Dexter's infidelity (and the fact that he's hiding something) added a great touch of mystery to the end of the chapter that'll keep readers coming back for more.

The overall flow was a little awkward--personally, I like reading prologues in a separate chapter. You might consider splitting them up, I really think it'll make the time skip seem much smoother if it begins at the start of a new chapter. That or perhaps make the prologue a flashback scene instead? That might work really well, it would also temper the upbeat humor of the first chapter and the heaviness of the prologue, keeping them balanced. However, it's not like the time skip is unclear, so other readers might not be bothered by it.

There are a few grammar mistakes and typos--for example, "Mother Teresa one said that..." should be "Mother Teresa once said,..." Also "...too much later and all of ..." should be "...too much later that all of..." The grammar problems are mainly missing commas and such, not really a big deal but worth reading over (I would suggest getting a beta to pick up on those little mistakes).

The other issue is that the NHS provides universal free healthcare in England, so the low-income, no-insurance picture doesn't make much sense. Perhaps you could change it just a bit to say that in this poor working class neighborhood, people couldn't take off from work to wait to see a NHS doctor--so they would go to Allora for quick cures instead? Well, my experience with the NHS is contemporary, so the situation might have been a bit different in the 60s and 70s...worth doing a bit of research on wikipedia.

Hope this was helpful! Like I said before, it's a good start. Feel free to rerequest when the next chapter is validated.

xoxo wenderbender

Author's Response: Hi there waterbender! Thanks for taking the time to review! I'm gla dyou like the start to the plot, as you can probably tell characterization and plot are typically my main focus when I'm writing so I tend to neglect other aspects.

I see what you're saying about the flow. I'll see what I can do about fixing it. If I split it up into separate chapters I'm going to want to drag out chapter one longer. So I don't know what I'm going to do right now. haha I'll figure it out though. :] I appriciate your honesty! And that you for pointing out the typos and my grammar issues!

Yes I've recently just heard of NHS and I need to go back and fix that. After a quick trip to Wikipedia I found out that the free healthcare in England has been that way since WWII. So basically I face-palmed and decided that from now on I wont neglect my research. haha Thanks for reminding me!

Thank you for the incredibly helpful review darling! I'll make sure to re-request for chapter two whenever I get it finished and validated!

Alex


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Review #7, by leannemariesnape Chapter One

4th June 2011:
Hi! Here with your requested review.

So I'm going to start with the criticisms because I'd like to get them over and done with. So, the first thing that I noticed was:

"they're symptoms and illnesses before deciding whether or not to schedule a doctor's appointment. The majority lacking in medical insurance, they didn't have the money for a visit to the doctor if all they had was an ailment that could be treated over the counter"

You used the wrong there- it should be their. Also, I thought that I should point out that in the UK we have the NHS. This means that there is no medical insurance. Everyone can access medicine, operations and Doctors, regardless of wealth, and has existed sinse ww2. Occasionally, you seem to have a few typo's, so i'd suggest reading it over and giving it a quick edit.

Apart from this, there is not much to criticise. Your OC seems very interesting- I'd like to know more about her, and I think that overall this is a very good start to the story. You also end the chapter at a very good place, making us want to know more about what Dex isn't telling her. Good start to a story :)
Leanne

Author's Response: Gah, probably should've resurched a bit huh? I'm face-palming. In any case I'll have to go back and see what I can do to keep her mother's selfless nature with the use of her medical knowledge. haha Alright I'll give it a quick edit pretty soon, I hate when I have little typos, they bother me as well as you! D:

I'm glad you OC seems interesting! :) I have a knack for ending my chapter at a cliffie. Haha, I think leaving readers hanging like that makes them want to come back and read more to find out later. haha

Thank you very much Leanne, I'll be fixing those errors within the next few days!

Aligiah


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Review #8, by NaidatheRavenclaw Chapter One

29th May 2011:
Hi! Naida here with your requested review!

Sirius/OC. Oh, how I love it. Such an interesting ship, but so riddled with cliches. So my first bit of advice is to stay away from them at all costs. Not that I think you would go into the land of cliches, but I'll say it anyway. So please no, "I can tame bad boy Sirius" or "I hate him so much, but then I go snog him and fall in love with him." Again. I don't think you would, but I'll say it anyway.

Okay, should I do good news or bad news first...? I think bad. I like ending on a good note. So here's what I didn't like about the chapter.
1. That twins with the last name Frederick were some of the big pranksters. I'm sorry, but that just really bugged me. I would say to either make it two friends, or change the last name, because that bothered me all the way through. Just my opinion, though.
2. I think your dialogue was a bit off. And this is strange, because usually when I comment on dialogue, it's because it's stiff, but yours was the opposite. Just too much yelling and too many excelmation points for me. I think that most people don't really talk with that much expression most of the time, so I found the dialogue to be unrealistic.

On to the good stuff!
1. Your spelling and grammar. Flawless. I didn't spot a single mistake, which makes me want to jump for joy.If there were any mistakes, they didn't detract from the story. I hate having to struggle through petty mistakes like this, so I'm so glad you didn't have any.
2. Your writing style. It's very basic, and not all fluffy, but that fits this story like a glove. It's already giving me a lot of insight to your OC. It's funny, light, and joyful, but you still wrote the funeral scene well, so you have a lot of range.
3. Your OC, so far. With her, I'll just say that I'm interested to see how that selfless nature of her mother shapes her own character. It's really unusal and I hope we some of that come through.
4.Your originality. It's an original premis for a story and I like how she's a Ravenclaw who already has a boyfriend. I really want to see how she ends up with Sirius in the end.
5. The interest. It definitely pulled my interest, especially with the slight cliffie at the end. Really good start to a story, and I think this will be amazing when you get further into it!

Author's Response: Wow, flawless you say! Doing mental dances. I self-beta all my work because I don't trust thrusting my writing in another writers hands before it's out there to be read. I'm happy to hear that there were no terrible distracting mistakes!

My writing style has been shaped and molded through trial and error over the past seven years. Ha ha. I've been writing since I was twelve... I just now realized that. Anyways, I've gone a long way in my "walk with words" and suffice it to say I'm proud to know that it's showing. :]

Ah, the OC. Like I said at the opening at my chapter I write OC's, and I'm proud of that as well. haha Not all people can write them without turning them into complete Mary Sue's. To be quite honest I know that Wintra is going to be selfless about some things but she'll at least know when she NEEDS to put her foot down, otherwise she's going to be getting into a little bit of trouble that she doesn't want. haha She's like her mother, but has some of her father's traits which will show once more background comes to light in later chapters.

As far as originality goes: I can't stand it when the "Gryffindor prefect with blond hair, blue eyes, perfect body, excellent grades, and muggleborn!" tames the bad boy Sirius. Arg. Sirius isn't even necessarily a bad boy, that was never specified in the books. haha :]

Now, the interest is one of those things that ALWAYS worries me when I write a story. I don't want a bland 'typical' story. haha

Thank you so much darling you've helped me a lot and I'm taking every bit of what you've written into account! You're a magnificent reviewer! haha

Alex


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Review #9, by webeta123 Chapter One

29th May 2011:
Alright, first can I say that I love your idea? Since I was going to anyway, I can say it now.

Second, I can't wait to see where you go with this. I love the twins and Dex and well all your OCs. I'm interested to see why Sirius is so jealous and what the Marauders retaliation will be. Basically I'm gonna be a follower to the end :)

And your story is definitely up for consideration :)

~webeta

Author's Response: Haha, well thank you!! Geez, make me blush. lol

Too be honest I NEVER have ANY idea where I'm going with any story I have ever written. I just go with the flow and typically ends up fine. haha I just now decided what I wanted Sirius' stare to be all about.

Glad to hear you're going to follow it! I'm always worried about how people are going to feel about my first few chapters. Because I don't want to have the wrong impression.

Thanks SO much! And I'm doing little mental dances right now. :]

Alex.


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Review #10, by smilinsteph Chapter One

29th May 2011:
this is realy good id be extremely proud i tend to ramble and i don't do well with my stories so a
yours is amazing i realy like it
im now your biggest fan
cant wait for the next chapter

Author's Response: Awe, thanks so much! Ha ha :] Brightened my day right up! Making me blush, geez! I'll try to get the next chapter in validation before it goes down for their yearly break, which is coming up soon!

Thank you so much for reviewing!


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