I hope you continue this :)Author's Response: Life has been crazy during the last few months. Thank you for the encouragement - nice to know someone's still reading it :) Report Review
I like this story! I love your description and how you write this across the whole chapter and I didn't notice any gramattical errors! I like how you describe the characters. It got a bit hard to follow in points but apart from that, a great chapter!
Merry Christmas from your secret santa!Author's Response: Oh, I really need to go back to this story, I had such detailled plans for it! Thanks for commenting, I really love the Secret-Santa thing :D Report Review
Hm...interesting. I wonder what is up with Felix, and I wish we could hear a little more of Narcissus's thoughts. As in what he hoped to accomplish the next time he and Roxie talked...and basically just any thoughts that would give out a little more on his personality. Anyways another good chapter...keep it up!Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback :D I'm glad you like it, and it makes me go back asap and continue (as I've been shamefully neglecting my fanfics those past few weeks).
Best, Leo Report Review
OOO fiesty. I am glad he finally got a chance to share some of his thoughts and feelings with someone..though I wish he had defended himself a little more, enough to put Roxie in her place...but definitely an improvement. I love the little quirks we are beginning to see in Roxie..like how she talks to her pygmy puff..helps develop the character and make her more lovable to us readers. Well keep up the good work!! and thanks for the good read!Author's Response: I am so, so sorry it took me so long to respond! Life's been crazy those past few weeks :(
Nevertheless, I've read the review, and it's amazing how much something as a positive comment can cheer me up!
Thank you, and I really enjoyed plotting and writing this!
xox Leo Report Review
Last review for Jonquil ;) Let's make it count!
'The little rut with Carissa and Sarah had already been forgotten, because Roxie had other things on her min and they proved invaluable to her.' -mind
'She considered gibing Sarah a medal as her friend swooped in every time John appeared' -giving
(I definitely suggest reading your story aloud before submitting to catch these little errors ;) )
'"What?" she asked, and barely caught herself because she'd just noticed the irony of that statement." –the irony of what statement? She made an observation in her head, no statement from what I read.
' concomitantly' –I definitely just learned a new word here haha!
'"it's not too late now. We could still run away." -It's
I have two big comments that I want to make that are purely constructive criticism. One is on the flow and progression of the story. The second is on your writing, even though I know you wanted me to focus on characters :)
First, the lesser one, your writing. You really are a good writer and definitely get most of your points across very clearly and consistently. I do highly suggest reading your chapter before you post it in order to get that polished finish for your readers. The occasional typo, which I'm horrifically guilty of, is fine, but there were a bunch in this chapter that became annoying after a certain point. Also, again you are very clear with what you are writing, but I know you can put in some more description and scenery to bump up the volume of your series! I've read your more descriptive stuff and it's lovely, don't hold out on this story ;) Examples: I have no idea what Neville's office looked like or where the characters were in the beginning of this chapter alone until food was mentioned. I think adding in some more detail would really thicken up each chapter too because they are typically short and always end on a rather random/summary note.
Which brings me to general flow and progression of the story. Everything seems to be progressing in the plot, but it's taking awhile (in my opinion) for the story to get deep and more insightful, which is something that I look for as a reader. AKA: other readers may feel differently, but this is how I feel about the story's progression thus far. The chapters are on the shorter side (which is fine honestly), but there is a little bit that happens in each chapter when I feel like you could easily combine chapters to boost what's happening in your story up a notch. It's just that I don't feel too strongly about the current events to keep my attention all the time. I'm sorry :/ As in, I think there is excitement for a bit but then it quickly goes away with some summary comment along the lines of: 'it will all pan out if Roxanne ignores it' lol.
And because I feel like I have been more than critical enough, I wanted to commend you for your characters and characterizations. Your plot, thus far, is also strong and realistic. As someone who is looking for jobs and graduating I definitely empathize with Roxanne and totally get the stress about jobs and trying to ignore "the future" as long as possible. Her problem with juggling her schedule always makes me cringe too and reminds me of college and trying to do it all. It's tough. I feel for Roxanne here and with her relationship issues (not her fault grr Alan lol). All your other characters are clear cut with their interests and that helps separate them and make them individuals in my mind. They are realistic and good secondary people next to Roxanne.
*Sniff, sniff* the much delayed reviews are done now. So I hope that I have helped any with my reviews and I'll be sure to read in the future! I am kind curious to see what happens with Alan, Roxanne, and Fudge in the future ;) Please let me know if I was too harsh or if I could improve as a reviewer in any way! Thanks hun!
EllieAuthor's Response: Okay, the cc is duly noted! There will be edits, and I'll definitely heed your pointer regarding the description..As for flow and progression, I will definitely have to work on them. I'm generally good with one-shots, and this is something I can work on for novel-length stories.
You haven't been too harsh, sometimes it is best someone who isn't as involved with the story as the author to read through it.
You've done an amazing job as an reviewer, and I've taken some inspiration from them. Thank you for doing this, and I am glad I can take some tips and improve my writing, and my English ;)
Thanks again, and I'd be happy to see you back!
Cheers, Leo :)
'Out after curfew and insubordination. toward a prefect. Make it fifty points from Slytherin." He said in his usual detached voice.' -no period after insubordination. Also, it would be towards
'"And what do you know about my family, he?' -he?
'her former irritation and...towards that particular classmate had turned into full-out anger.' -...?
I love that little Pygmy Puff ball of cuteness! Too bad I completely forgot that it was present during the whole exchange with Fudge, maybe he could be mentioned at some point?
Roxanne has showed more personality in this chapter than she has through most of the series, which was a very nice change from the past chapters! She definitely seems to hate when her future and her namesake are mentioned. Though I like that she both uses her last name to her advantage, but also is wary of how people view her as a Weasley. I especially like this because of the contrast with Fudge, who also seemed more passionate/alive in this chapter. I think that this passion and aliveness needs to carry more throughout the series so far. In comparison to the other chapters, this one is less stagnant and has more plot than the more mundane (harsh word, I know) scenes of classrooms and Roxanne being passive in response to Alan. So, I hope this sparks some more exciting things in Roxanne's story! :)
EllieAuthor's Response: Oh, it does! I kind of had this chapter in mind since the beginning, but it's taken me so long to get there :(
Thanks so much for doing this :D
Cheers, Leo Report Review
Hi Leo! It's me, notreallyblonde44, again to finish up these reviews I promised you.
Chapter 6 of Jonquil was going to be my long nit-picky and complete review of the series thus far, but I saw that you posted two more chapters, so I will hold out on such a review until I finish all you have posted :)
'"Hey! Have you seen Alan Hayes?"" she asked, her voice as neural as possible.' -neutral? Ooof she just had to ask him? Bad news bears. I bet Alan's cheating...can't wait to find out!
Overall thoughts about the chapter:
Poor Roxanne, might have to change her position. I do wonder why she became Captain also, because it seems to me that she isn't as dedicated as John is. Interesting...I also wished she was paired with Fudge, but it would have been too obvious of a tool to put them together. So *sigh* I understand why they aren't paired up. I prefer them much more over Alan. You've really made me unsympathetic to him. Excellent job if that was your intent!
Otherwise, nothing much is happening, in my honest opinion, for me to comment on :/ Sorry...so next chapter!Author's Response: No need to be sorry,, I know the chapters are pretty short. I've decided to go through them again and flesh them out some where needed.
Yay for more reviews, so nice to read through them again :)
Thanks, gracias, merci und danke! Report Review
Lalala reviewing some more! Will finish what you have thus far today; horray!
'It was usually a tie who slept tighter, making them usually late for breakfast.' -tighter?
' She hadn't intended to spent any more time in there than it took to grab the book,' -spend not spent
What happened to that boy's hair? Lol.
You are doing an excellent job of showing how busy Roxanne is and how much time she doesn't spend with her boyfriend. My only suggestion is that she spends more time with the reader. I find myself more than sympathetic for Fudge and just following Roxanne along because I have no other choice. Also, her response to Alan seems rather under developed. I feel like I can guess all her reasoning for everything, but I want to get them all from her. She's so passive; it's truly frustrating me lol. Obviously this is her character and again I need to be patient with her :P
Onto the next chapter where I will give a longer, more detailed and opinionated review ;)
EllieAuthor's Response: Lovin' the feedback :)
Okay, Roxanne definitely needs some work, although I think her passiveness should be her most annoying trait. As I said before, I didn't really plan for that, but it might just work. And you can claim that idea, haha.
Thanks for everything!
xox Leo Report Review
More reviews for you, as promised and long awaited :)
'Okay, Iet's do some research, I'll have to write it too.' -let's
' Your grandfather wanted you to ask Professor Slughorn has received his letter.' -if he has
'His eyes frantically swept over the Common Room, and then he caught Weasleys unbelieving,' -missing apostrophe and unbelieving what? Stare?
''They were silent for a while, each girl busy with their own thoughts.' -I would like to see their thoughts; especially Roxanne's. This is a crisis moment for her and the first big "event" in the story and it got brushed away, which was slightly frustrating to read. It's not that this tactic is bad or anything. It seems to be Roxanne's personality to not let things bother her. Honestly, she seemed so shocked by Alan and anything to do with him, even when he hurt her feelings, that she doesn't stand up for herself. She just ignores it! I'm frustrated with her, but she is being who she is so argh I can't do anything. (And the fact that she's not real doesn't help lol, but I hope you understand what I mean.)
Aw, this Narcissus thing (ewww the name! But I know it's a reference to Daffodil and Jonquil, but it's still not cute lol) is developing well. I like his parts the most honestly because he seems to have the most depth thus far. Alan is coming across as quite deranged and jealous, isn't her? Sheesh. Cool down, buddy. This little jump has piqued my interest in the story more so onto the next chapter!
EllieAuthor's Response: Yes, Roxanne is annoying, isn't she? It wasn't planned like that, but I think I might play with that for a little bit.
Lol the name stuck with him. I don't know why; Narcissus and Fudge sound weird to me on their own, but they somehow fit together. Or maybe that's just me :)
Thank you! *hugs* Report Review
Chapter three! *waves to Leo*
'Problem was, she had found another potential Chaser, but they hadn't been looking for a Chaser, but a Seeker.' -two buts in one sentence seems awkward to me structurally and doesn't read to well. I would suggest changing the sentence around to say something like but they had been looking for a Seeker, not a Chaser.
'Roxanne commented drily, regretting it immediately when she saw her friend's brief wince.' -dryly
My General Thoughts:
I wonder why she was chosen as captain too. Anywho, I had no idea Felix had a girlfriend...who and what? Alan is coming across as very sketchy :/
Uhmm the character breakdown with their last names and everything seems to be misplaced. I already know the characters from the last two chapters and feel that this paragraph was a repetitive gesture. I would have put it in the first chapter if at all.
FUGDE? I should have known with the description of the his grandfather with bowler hat and the fact Scorpius wouldn't be this old, but OMG FUDGE? Interesting last segment with his thoughts. Wonder how "being normal" will go if he tries it lol.
What's Alan's deal? It's driving my crazy not knowing lol.
The development of the plot is moving, slowly but surely and I can see some tension and such brewing, which is nice to see/read. I'm curious how the plot will continue to develop. I'm semi-invested in your characters' lives, but Roxanne could be more personal and developed with the readers. She's getting there for sure, I can tell ;) Next chapter!
EllieAuthor's Response: Okay, it becomes clearer and clearer my characters need some 'more'. More development, more life. I keep falling back into that trap, because I know what's going on and where I want it to go, but my readers don't. Especially Alan! And yes, sorry, Felix' girlfriend was kind of a last minute idea, I need to include her earlier.
Capslock? Haha, yes he is Fudge's grandson. I was torn between giving him the last name 'Fudge' or that of the previous owner of Zonko's.
There'll definitely be some edits, and your opinion is very much appreciated!
Best, Leo Report Review
Second chapter to review!
Aw little Lucy got into Hufflepuff; I think that's really adorable. It makes me wonder what the ages and ranges you are going with for your Next Generation kids. Also, Scorpius (I would be shocked if I was wrong lol) is such a insufferable thing telling Roxanne to be quiet! Rats. I write that he's insufferable and than you dip into his mind and make me pity him lol. Great. But his character makes sense. Aloof and arrogant tend to go hand and hand. I feel bad that he doesn't seem to have any friends :(
'"Come on, you don't want to go down looking like that, don't you?" the blonde asked.' -do you
'No take a seat next to your fellow Gryffindor here' -now
My Other Thoughts:
Hmm nothing too much to comment on. We see the same things occurring in this chapter as the last. Alan missing. Forth Prefect boy being hated. Felix being fantastic and hot lol. All your characters keep their same behaviors, which keeps them consistent characters. But in the next chapter I'm definitely going to be looking for more character development from at least Roxanne since she's our protagonist. I'm curious about her thoughts on life, her future, Alan, and her personality more -other than being an average Gryffindor teenager. I guess I'm waiting for some drama too haha. But that isn't too necessary :P I also like how you designed the DADA position and classes with more teachers. I think that's an excellent idea and something Hogwarts would have done sooner if the position wasn't so cursed. Next chapter!
EllieAuthor's Response: Still the Scorpius thing. Lol. I'm hoping to provoke some more reviews with this :D
The more I think about the-boy-I'm-not-going-to-name-yet, the more I like him myself; and I think the others' development, especially Roxanne's, stood back behind his.
But as you said, nothing much apart from him to comment on, and I think I should definitely touch up on that. On Alan's disappearance too.
Thank you for the review, it helps so much!
xxx Leo Report Review
Ello Leo! I am going to attempt to review each chapter of Jonquil for you ;) Let's get the review party started!!
Minor Surface Errors:
'He'd filled out even more, having grown into his tall built, and the appreciative looks of the females around them attested to that.' -tall build
''She'd started seeing one of her friends last year, only she hadn't brought him up yet at home, safe with her mum and her older female cousins.' -This sentence made sense until 'safe'...what's safe and brought him home with her or brought him up in conversation. Try for more precise language here ;)
'No go, older sisters and pets are embarrassing' -now
Scorpius has to be "that Gryffindor prefect" lol. Wonder who got Head Boy then hmm. Also, where did Alan run off too?? Seems sketchy.
Okay, so what I like about this piece is that we get an uncommonly used character as our protagonist for the next-generation. So I love this already about your story. It's fresh and exciting, without being all James or Albus love-interest centered. Also, for some reason, I could distinguish each of your new characters with ease. They all had something easy to associate them with. Sarah Prefect. John Quiddith. Alan boyfriend. Felix best friend. Carissa Blond. Lol. It's always better when new characters can be categorized and distinguished early so that as the story progresses we readers won't be tripped up over their names instead of the plot, etc.
So what I'm saying is, so far so good :) A short chapter, but you didn't try to make the train ride into something that it wasn't, which I appreciate. Onto the next chapter!
EllieAuthor's Response: Phew, time to get back into Roxanne's mind, and what better way to start than answering the reviews for the story ;) Finally, I know!
Lol, when you mentioned Scorpius, I had to grin. I didn't want to give it all away in the first chapter, and avoided introducing him in this chapter. Though I know you found out already :)
Thanks for the feedback, all the chapters will be undergoing some editing, and I'll include your pointers.
Leo Report Review
Interesting...I like where this is going and I can completely see the prompt in what has happened so far...your characters are each very distinct and wonderful, though felix is by far my favorite...can't help it :) keep up the great work! I want more of this story!!! also what does the title mean?Author's Response: Hi! *waves*
I've had some trouble answering reviews during the past days, but it's all good now :)
Anyway, I really appreciate your feedback on the characters, and that they come acroos as I wanted them to :D Felix seems to be pretty popular, lol
There'll definitely be updates, I quite enjoy writing this. Thanks for the prompt!
Oh, and the title? You mean Jonquil? I stumbled across the word when doing research for the Language of Flower Challenge, the second challlenge this is for. My clue was daffodil, and narcissus and jonquil are kind of synonyms.
Thank you so much for your review :D Report Review
Aaah, she finally admits it. Sarah's in love with Felix.
Is the prefect really Cornelius Fudge's grandson?Author's Response: it'll be a little longer until that's going anywhere. And yes, he is :) How do you like him? Thanks for the feedback! xxx Leo Report Review
I dislike Sarah. I don't know why. She just doesn't seem to fit with the group. But hey, there's always an odd on ;)
Do love Felix though. By the way, where's Alan going all the time?Author's Response: Okay, thanks for letting me know, lol. They're coming across like I wanted them to. Alan's behaviour will be explained in a few chapters ;) Thanks again! Report Review
Nice first chapter. I'm not sure where this is going yet, but I like it so far. On to the next then ;)Author's Response: Thank you for that lovely review! I hope you enjoy the rest as well :) Report Review
I really like this a lot, and I can't believe that I just now started reading it. I can't wait to see how it plays out :)
-JessAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I hope I can keep you interested :) Report Review
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